You Are Seen...

It wasn't until I personally experienced the elation of that first positive pregnancy test that I began to understand what it would mean to be celebrated on Mother's Day. After all, with my first-ever due date being May 9, 2008, I remember the joy I felt in thinking that I would get to BE celebrated that year... in addition to celebrating my own mom.

And so at 13 weeks, when it was discovered that we had lost that precious life, I felt as though I no longer belonged. I not only lost my child, but also my entry ticket into the club of motherhood.

To no one's surprise, then, when I learned I was pregnant again a few months later, my hope was renewed. I may not have had that first child in my arms to love and to hold and to cuddle on Mother's Day of 2008, but I would have another child whose life was being formed inside my very being.

And yet the unthinkable happened: between the joy of that second positive pregnancy test when we learned I was pregnant with Isaac, and Mother's Day of 2008, we learned that Isaac's prognosis was very, very poor. So poor, in fact, that we were given no guarantees of how long he would make it... either in the womb, or out.

So came Mother's Day of 2008. And to maintain a spirit of honesty, I will say this: I was dreading it.

I remember being in church that morning, and all of the mothers were asked to stand. And here's the thing: I didn't know if I should stand or not.

I had no evidence of my motherhood for the world to see. I had lost my first baby, and wasn't far enough along in my pregnancy with Isaac to be past the "is she pregnant or....?" phase. I didn't know where I belonged... other than this strange limbo of somewhere between motherhood and not.

The following year...Mother's Day of 2009. I am sure it goes without saying that this was one of the most difficult "firsts" since Isaac was born and passed away. My pregnancy and our loss of Isaac was very known my the members and attendees in our church; our pastor had even brought us in front of our congregation a few weeks before he was born to have them pray over us.

So once again, on Mother's Day of 2009, all of the mothers were asked to stand. This time, there was no confusion.

And I did. Knees trembling, tears streaming, and heart breaking... but I stood. Because to honor my son and acknowledge that he was born, and that he lived, and that he was here... how could I not stand?

It's not the picture of honoring mothers that we think of when celebrating Mother's Day. It isn't the situation whose sentiments can be nicely contained in a Hallmark card. Yet, it is often the situation that goes unacknowledged.

And so today, as I shared on my Facebook status this morning, I want you to know that YOU... you, whose situation doesn't fit the norm or can't me nicely summed up in a card... YOU are seen.

To the mommies out there who have every reason to celebrate today: I wish you the happiest of days. 

To the mommies out there who can't hold one (or more) of their kiddos because of a loss: I am missing them with you today. 

To the ladies out there who long to be a mother but have yet to see that dream realized: I am praying for you today. 

And to those of you who have a mother who is no longer here to celebrate with you: I am remembering with you today. 

Lots of hugs to each of you today, friends, whether your situation is celebratory and joyous, or if today is a day that brings up hurt and sorrow. You, too, are seen and acknowledged. 

12 (ish) Week Ultrasound and Consult

One of the strangest things about this pregnancy is that the timing of it aligns completely with my pregnancy with Isaac. So much so that the due dates are only two days off, and which consequently means Isaac's birthday and this baby's birthday will be within days of each other. And yes, that is hard.

Today I have my 12(ish) week ultrasound, nuchal fold test, and consult with my high-risk obstetrician. This is the same appointment, and the same high-risk doctor, at which we first learned of Isaac's prognosis. Almost to the day, five years ago.

To say it feels anything but odd would be false, and perhaps that's because of the timing of this pregnancy. It all feels so similar. In some ways it is such a gift because it brings to mind my sweet son so often; in other ways its poignancy is so much greater than my pregnancies with Eliana or Jacob. So what does that mean regarding today's appointment? I am a lot more nervous about it than I would have expected.

It is no surprise, however, that God meets me right where I am with it, and this morning's devotion was no exception.

"...Similarly, I give you sufficient Peace for the present, when you come to Me by prayer and petition with thanksgiving. If I gave you permanent Peace, independent of My Presence, you might fall into the trap of self-sufficiency. May that never be!... Approach My throne of grace with bold confidence, receiving My Peace with a thankful heart."    ~ From "Jesus Calling", April 18

So please pray with me today, for a great scan, that baby is looking good... and most of all for the Lord's perfect peace.

This Is {some of} Us

We had the pleasure of having updated family photos taken recently by a good friend, and this one happened to be one of my favorites. Eliana has gotten so big, and Jacob, well, is three pounds bigger than his older sister :)

 

** All images are personal property and may not be copied, used, altered, or displayed without prior consent.

An Open Letter to My Obstetrician

Dear Dr. D,

I wanted to thank you for the years of care you have personally provided for me and for my family, particularly during my pregnancy with Isaac. Many, many aspects of my care at *** have been great, and I appreciate the sensitivity you have shown us with regard to concerns that have come up in regard to some of the prenatal care I previously received.

Recently, upon hearing of my current pregnancy, Dr. B asked me in a phone conversation if I was going to continue my current pregnancy since she knew it was not planned. I had seen her on a Friday for my annual checkup, discovered on Saturday I was pregnant, and called her on Monday to talk with her.

Before learning of my most recent pregnancy, I had been contemplating switching practices out of convenience. Once I learned I was pregnant again, I wanted nothing more than to have you and Dr. B to once again provide my prenatal care and deliver our newest (and final) addition to our family as you had with our other three children..

However, Dr. B's response to my news came not only as a surprise, but with a lot of hurt. On a very basic level, I have a hard time understanding why a doctor would ask a married woman (and truth be told, anyone) that question. Based on the depth of my pregnancy history, though, I have an even harder time understanding why I would personally be asked that question when my beliefs on this are abundantly clear. What I have struggled to understand is this: If I didn't end a pregnancy with a child I was told was going to die, why would I end a pregnancy with a child simply because it was unplanned?

I know you all have numerous patients that you see because you are a large practice; but I, personally, am still your patient. I, personally, deserve the same support of my values and beliefs while being provided exceptional obstetric care. At this point, as much as I would like to feel otherwise, I believe it is in my best interest to switch to a practice that is, as a whole, more understanding, supportive, and respectful of my beliefs.

Thank you, Dr. D, for your personal support and care for our family... For being the brave one to walk into a waiting room filled with our family and close friends on the morning of October 7, 2008 to share with them the news that our sweet Isaac was no longer with us... For so sensitively cutting out portions of the discharge instructions pamphlet from the hospital because you knew that reading about them would be hurtful... and for looking Spencer and I straight in the face after Isaac's delivery and telling us you thought we were heroes. I do not at all think of myself as such; but I know that in saying that you recognize in us how much we love our son, and how deeply we treasure the lives of each of our children. I want you to know that we haven't forgotten these things... And we are grateful.

Best,

Stacy Delisle

Therein Lies The Miracle

I remember so clearly during my pregnancy with Isaac praying for that miracle... the one in which God would prove Isaac's diagnosis wrong... The one in which for no good medical reason Isaac made it... The one in which Isaac was healed on this side of Heaven... The one in which those around us who didn't believe in God at all couldn't help but then believe.

After all, the stage was set. The doctors had said he had no chance of living after he was born. And other doctors had said that his condition, though his genetics, brain, and heart were all just fine, could not be treated. It was the perfect story... one set up for a miraculous ending... the one in which God saves the day by healing our son and sparing his life.

And when it didn't happen that way... when Isaac's story was much, much shorter here on Earth that I would have ever hoped, I spent a long time wondering: "God, you are capable of miracles... where was it?"

It has taken me a long time to come to the place where I now understand this: I was only looking for one kind of miracle.

And because of that, I had been blind to the fact that the Lord HAD in fact performed a miracle... one different than that for which so many had prayed... but a miracle, still.

You see, when confronted with unthinkable tragedy, we only have two choices: fight or flight.

We can either go to the wrestling mat with God, like so many past heroes of the faith; or, we can walk away.

"God, you didn't heal my son..." Fight, or flight?

"God, you promise a hope and a future... where is it?" Fight, or flight?

"God, you provided Abraham a ram in the thicket... where was OUR ram?" Fight, or flight?

So while the miracle we, and so many of you had prayed for, never came to fruition, the Lord has still performed a miracle in our lives through our sweet son:

Even when the unthinkable has happened, we are still standing. We are still okay. And we still have faith, hope, and trust in the One whose ways are higher than ours.

And this is not of ourselves...

It would be easier to run. It would be easier to give up on a God who allows your son to die. But that is just it... even in our brokenheartedness... our questions... our frustration with Him... our lack of understanding, and even lack of trust because we just couldn't seem to reconcile our circumstances with the truth of who God is... God never gave up on us. He continued to pursue our hearts, to help us understand, and to bring us to a deeper level of faith and dependence on Him.

Countless people, particularly women I have encountered who have also suffered the loss of a child have asked me this: How in the world do you go through this and still remain strong in your fatih?

That is just it: I am not strong. But He is. And therein lies the miracle: that life's deepest tragedies can be suffered, but that one thing remains: His love never fails... it never gives up... never runs out on me. And so faith remains... hope remains... and love remains... Because He is the great I AM, and will never change... not even in the most painful of circumstances.

The Post in Which I Share One More Thing...

 

Got to see this little one's heartbeat flickering away yesterday:)



 

SURPRISE!!! Baby Delisle #4 is due to arrive in October :)

Too Long...

Oh it has been way, way too long again.

The holidays, the stomach bug, and life's momentum have kept me from here much, much longer than I had hoped. Lots going on in the Delisle house, lots for which to be grateful, lots that I have been pondering, praying over, and purposefully crafting into posts.

While that's happening, how about another round of questions... haven't done that in a while, and it will be fun!

So, please feel free to leave questions you have for me in the comment section below... questions about our walk with Isaac, our kids, our marriage, etc.

I look forward to reading them!!