Dear Dr. D,
I wanted to thank you for the years of care you have personally provided for me and for my family, particularly during my pregnancy with Isaac. Many, many aspects of my care at *** have been great, and I appreciate the sensitivity you have shown us with regard to concerns that have come up in regard to some of the prenatal care I previously received.
Recently, upon hearing of my current pregnancy, Dr. B asked me in a phone conversation if I was going to continue my current pregnancy since she knew it was not planned. I had seen her on a Friday for my annual checkup, discovered on Saturday I was pregnant, and called her on Monday to talk with her.
Before learning of my most recent pregnancy, I had been contemplating switching practices out of convenience. Once I learned I was pregnant again, I wanted nothing more than to have you and Dr. B to once again provide my prenatal care and deliver our newest (and final) addition to our family as you had with our other three children..
However, Dr. B's response to my news came not only as a surprise, but with a lot of hurt. On a very basic level, I have a hard time understanding why a doctor would ask a married woman (and truth be told, anyone) that question. Based on the depth of my pregnancy history, though, I have an even harder time understanding why I would personally be asked that question when my beliefs on this are abundantly clear. What I have struggled to understand is this: If I didn't end a pregnancy with a child I was told was going to die, why would I end a pregnancy with a child simply because it was unplanned?
I know you all have numerous patients that you see because you are a large practice; but I, personally, am still your patient. I, personally, deserve the same support of my values and beliefs while being provided exceptional obstetric care. At this point, as much as I would like to feel otherwise, I believe it is in my best interest to switch to a practice that is, as a whole, more understanding, supportive, and respectful of my beliefs.
Thank you, Dr. D, for your personal support and care for our family... For being the brave one to walk into a waiting room filled with our family and close friends on the morning of October 7, 2008 to share with them the news that our sweet Isaac was no longer with us... For so sensitively cutting out portions of the discharge instructions pamphlet from the hospital because you knew that reading about them would be hurtful... and for looking Spencer and I straight in the face after Isaac's delivery and telling us you thought we were heroes. I do not at all think of myself as such; but I know that in saying that you recognize in us how much we love our son, and how deeply we treasure the lives of each of our children. I want you to know that we haven't forgotten these things... And we are grateful.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Dear Dr. D,
Posted at 9:59 AM
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I remember so clearly during my pregnancy with Isaac praying for that miracle... the one in which God would prove Isaac's diagnosis wrong... The one in which for no good medical reason Isaac made it... The one in which Isaac was healed on this side of Heaven... The one in which those around us who didn't believe in God at all couldn't help but then believe.
After all, the stage was set. The doctors had said he had no chance of living after he was born. And other doctors had said that his condition, though his genetics, brain, and heart were all just fine, could not be treated. It was the perfect story... one set up for a miraculous ending... the one in which God saves the day by healing our son and sparing his life.
And when it didn't happen that way... when Isaac's story was much, much shorter here on Earth that I would have ever hoped, I spent a long time wondering: "God, you are capable of miracles... where was it?"
It has taken me a long time to come to the place where I now understand this: I was only looking for one kind of miracle.
And because of that, I had been blind to the fact that the Lord HAD in fact performed a miracle... one different than that for which so many had prayed... but a miracle, still.
You see, when confronted with unthinkable tragedy, we only have two choices: fight or flight.
We can either go to the wrestling mat with God, like so many past heroes of the faith; or, we can walk away.
"God, you didn't heal my son..." Fight, or flight?
"God, you promise a hope and a future... where is it?" Fight, or flight?
"God, you provided Abraham a ram in the thicket... where was OUR ram?" Fight, or flight?
So while the miracle we, and so many of you had prayed for, never came to fruition, the Lord has still performed a miracle in our lives through our sweet son:
Even when the unthinkable has happened, we are still standing. We are still okay. And we still have faith, hope, and trust in the One whose ways are higher than ours.
And this is not of ourselves...
It would be easier to run. It would be easier to give up on a God who allows your son to die. But that is just it... even in our brokenheartedness... our questions... our frustration with Him... our lack of understanding, and even lack of trust because we just couldn't seem to reconcile our circumstances with the truth of who God is... God never gave up on us. He continued to pursue our hearts, to help us understand, and to bring us to a deeper level of faith and dependence on Him.
Countless people, particularly women I have encountered who have also suffered the loss of a child have asked me this: How in the world do you go through this and still remain strong in your fatih?
That is just it: I am not strong. But He is. And therein lies the miracle: that life's deepest tragedies can be suffered, but that one thing remains: His love never fails... it never gives up... never runs out on me. And so faith remains... hope remains... and love remains... Because He is the great I AM, and will never change... not even in the most painful of circumstances.
Posted at 11:28 AM
Saturday, March 9, 2013
SURPRISE!!! Baby Delisle #4 is due to arrive in October :)
Posted at 2:00 PM
Friday, March 8, 2013
It has been hard to write an update.
That is honesty at its best.
I want so much to tell you that being at home is better than I have ever dreamed, that my kids are in a great routine, that we are well rested and happy and enjoying every last minute.
And I want to tell you that even on the hard days, I know better than to complain and know that I should wholeheartedly cherish every difficult moment.
That would be honesty at its worst.
What I do want is to remain authentic about where we are, how we are doing, and how the Lord is using all things for our good and His glory.
So how is it being at home? It is hard. Really, really hard.
If you have been reading a while, you know that we have been battling significant sleep issues with Eliana since she was about 15 months old. This past Monday, she turned 3... needless to say that is a long time. We have taken her to two different sleep specialists whose best advice was to: change her nap time, and put her on an adult-level dose of melatonin. Her pediatrician has chalked all of this up to tempermant and typical bumps in the road.
I knew in my core that it was more than that.
As I continued to watch Eliana, look for patterns, and tried to look for some sort of correlation between her behavior, her sleep, and her eating, I began to notice some things I hadn't intended on finding.
During my first two years of teaching, I had the pleasure of having "Bobby" in my class. "Bobby" was smart as a whip... he loved the color blue, knew the name of EVERY President in US history (in order, the dates of their term, their party affiliation, whether or not they were married, and their family members' names), wrote everything in all capital letters even in the 5th grade, and had a sweatshirt that doubled as a security blanket. He had a need for things to be perfectly even, and if they weren't he found some pretty creative ways to make them so.The sound of the fire alarm caused him panic, and any change in routine was enough to rock his world. He couldn't stand buttons or zippers, had to have socks where the seam ran across the top of his foot, and his mother had lovingly cut the tags out of all of his shirts. He had the most creative mind and the most endearing speach. "Bobby" had been diagnosed with high functioning autism.
And so has my daughter.
Little by little, I started noticing little quirks and idiocyncricies with Ellie that caused me pause, and made me internally say, "Hm. That really reminds me of 'Bobby.'" At first, I was able to chuckle and shrug it off and just think about how, like "Bobby", Eliana is so endearing. She has a vocabulary and way of speaking that makes her sound like she is 3 going on 30. :) She is amazing.... she makes us laugh, she remembers the funniest things that you or I in our busy pace would most often forget, and she is so, so sweet.
And she struggles. She struggles when things are too close too loud, too bright or too tight. She can't stand to wear certain articles of clothes because they don't feel "right." She has a certain way of putting on her coat that, if disrupted, will set you back significantly in trying to get out the door. And she doesn't sleep well. Still. After all, it is currently 4:34 am our time, and I am down here writing because after being awakened at 1:00am with a full blown tantrum that not only lasted for 2 hours but also woke up her brother... it's hard to get back to sleep.
So it has been hard... and that is honest. Some days I feel like Moses when God called him to go to Egypt to face Pharaoh. You know the part when he says, "LORD... Please... send someone else to do it?" (paraphrase mine). I feel that way sometimes.
Like Moses, I don't feel prepared or equipped to handle this role. And like Moses, God is with me... fully equipping me for each turn. Most days I have come to the end of myself... and the state of my laundry pile, dishes, and playroom would validate that.
And it is at the end of ourselves where grace is. Where strength is. And where our intimacy with the Lord grows. It is where we see all that we are not and all that He is and how without him... this parenting thing? How would it even be possible? It is at the end of ourselves where His power is made perfect in weakness and we can be patient again... just one more time. The Lord has been really working on my heart and my focus, convicting my heart to trust that he will enable me to be calm in the midst of a tantrum that lasts for hours just one more time. Not all the other times today, or tomorrow, or this week... we'll get to those as well. But this time... just one more time.
Do I love being at home? I do. I love it. I am so grateful that God has provided the means in so many ways for us to do so. I love that I don't have to rush out the door every morning, that on a whim we can change our plans for the day, and that I am the one who is home helping to mold the hearts of my kids. I love seeing the little ways in which they are learning and growing, how their personalities are developing. I love having random dance parties with Eliana, indoor picnics (although I can't wait for spring to get OUTdoors), doing crafts, reading books, and tickling little Jacob until he is laughing so hard little tears creep out of the sides of his eyes.
And I am grateful that I get to be the one to help my daughter through a difficult period as we figure out how to best meet her needs as a little one recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. It is hard. It is really, really hard. And God is faithful...
His "faithful" is immeasureably bigger than my "hard."
So, Ellie is 3, Jacob is 14 months, and their smiles make my heart swell :)
Posted at 8:33 PM
Friday, March 1, 2013
Oh it has been way, way too long again.
The holidays, the stomach bug, and life's momentum have kept me from here much, much longer than I had hoped. Lots going on in the Delisle house, lots for which to be grateful, lots that I have been pondering, praying over, and purposefully crafting into posts.
While that's happening, how about another round of questions... haven't done that in a while, and it will be fun!
So, please feel free to leave questions you have for me in the comment section below... questions about our walk with Isaac, our kids, our marriage, etc.
I look forward to reading them!!
Posted at 10:45 AM