He Will Carry Me

Jacob Spencer Delisle

2011-12-28T22:47:00.003-05:00

We are so grateful for the safe and healthy arrival of our precious Jacob! Thank you for praying for us. Enjoy seeing his sweet face!!

Meet Jacob...

2011-12-28T11:00:00.002-05:00

It is with great joy and excitement to announce the arrival of baby Jacob at 8:22 this morning! He is weighing in at a healthy 7lbs 4oz and 20 inches long. He has a head full of dark hair, just like his big sister, Ellie! Everybody is doing well!

Pictures and more updates to come :)

Auntie Kate

...Because Hope Was Born This Night

2011-12-19T17:30:00.001-05:00

During the Christmas season I am always reminded of how incredible the incarnation is. That Jesus... Emmanuel... God WITH us... came in the form of a baby with a mission of redemption. And because of the incarnation, this beginning of God's redemptive plan for humanity... for your heart, and for mine... there is great hope.

I know for many,though, the holiday season can sting. Whether it's the recent loss of someone dearly loved, broken relationships that weigh on your heart, effects of this economy that have hit harder than you could have imagined, or guilt or shame over choices that have been made, the hurts of this life can often feel magnified around the holidays.

Yet even in the hard and hurting places, there is great hope.

I love this song by Sidewalk Prophets... it was part of our church's Christmas Pageant Sunday morning, and I am grateful for the promise of hope that is offered here: that on Christmas night, HOPE was born.

You can listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fok1h3p1sh8 (cut and paste link into your browser). Be sure to pause the music below first.

Tonight I can see a star shine
And its splendor fills up the sky
It's the samethat appeared
And the wisemen revered
When Hope was born this night

Out upon the snowy fields
There's a silent peace that heals
And it echoes the grace
Of our Savior's embrace
Because Hope was born this night

Glory to God in the highest
Peace on earth
Goodwill to men
Let all of the world
Sing the chorus of joy
Because Hope was born this night

I can hear the Christmas bells ringing
As softly a church choir sings
It's the song used to praise
The ancient of days
When Hope was born this night

There are angels in this place
And my heart resounds in the praise
Like a shepherd so scared
I'll rejoice and declare
That Hope was born this night

Glory to God in the highest
Peace on earth
Goodwill to men
Let all of the world
Sing the chorus of joy
Because Hope was born this night

Gloria (x 4) (repeat)

Glory to God in the highest
Peace on earth
Goodwill to men
Let all of the world
Sing the chorus of joy
Because Hope was born this night
(repeat)

I know hope was born this night
Because Christ was born this night

You see, because of Christ... there is great hope. There is no circumstance too desperate or too far gone that He can't bring redemption. There is no person who has fallen beyond the scope of His love and grace.

I pray that you might know the great hope that is in Christ this Christmas season.

Family Update

2011-12-02T12:22:00.005-05:00

This past week I had the pleasure of meeting two blog readers... women who I have never met, yet who kindly went out on a limb when they saw me out and about, asked if I wrote a blog, and then shared a little bit with me about what this blog has meant to them. I am so grateful that they chose to say hello, and to say something.

And then I realized, I have not updated here in a LONG time. It's not for a lack of life that has been happening, but more for a lack of both time and energy.

This fall has flown by. Sweet little Eliana was a ladybug for Halloween...

We took a trip to the Baltimore Aquarium...

... and have spent a bunch of time playing outside on playgrounds.

Eliana has been having some sleep issues for the past few months that we have been trying to help her with, but without much success. We are thankful that our appointment scheduled with the director of sleep medicine at Children's National Medical center has been moved up two weeks to December 8. We would appreciate your prayers for this appointment, that our concerns would be heard and understood, and as we try to help get her into a pattern of being better rested, particularly before Jacob is born.

Speaking of Jacob, our little guy has followed in his older brother and sister's footsteps, and is quite an active little guy in the womb... particularly at night! Next week marks my last ultrasound, and second to last checkup prior to his arrival. This pregnancy has been flying by, and I can't believe we get to meet him in twenty-six days.

We are thankful that this pregnancy has progressed without cause for concern, and that Jacob continues to thrive and look healthy. We are grateful that Eliana continues to grow and thrive and flourish, and that she is excited for her little brother's arrival! We appreciate your prayers in the coming weeks as we prepare for Jacob's arrival and this next, exciting transition in our family!

How We Pick our Childrens' Birthdays

2011-10-26T21:03:00.005-04:00

A good friend recently asked me if it was a lot of pressure to choose your kids' birthdays.

The answer: YES.

Not in a stressful way, but in the sense that when they're older and they understand that Spencer and I actually got to choose their birthdays, I want there to be something meaningful, or a good story behind it.

When I was pregnant with Isaac, we decided on his birthday, October 7 by looking up all kinds of 10:7 verses in the Bible. None seemed to fit; but we came across Psalm 107 and in particular, loved verses 19-21...

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for man."

You see, we knew that apart from God's intervention, we knew the likely scenario. We knew that we'd be faced with the unthinkable task and heartache of burying our son. And in the midst of that, we clung to the hope found in these words... the fact that by His great grace... the grave would not be the end. We are still so grateful for that hope.

When I became pregnant with Eliana and knew that I would need a repeat c-section, we decided to continue the tradition of choosing our kids' birthdays based on verses in scripture. Her birthday, March 4, was picked based on 1 Peter 3:4...

"Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight..."

While I am not sure that I would currently characterize Eliana's spirit as quiet, she does have a gentleness about her that is simply precious. She comforts her baby dolls, is very tuned in to peoples' feelings, and even loves to give her little brother (aka, my stomach) kisses. It is so sweet.

Earlier this week I had a doctor's appointment, and tentatively scheduled my c-section with Jacob. (Did I even share his name with you all yet?!). We are hoping for a delivery date of December 28. There were a lot of 12:28 verses that jumped out to me, but our favorite is Hebrews 12:28...

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe..."

There is so much truth wrapped up in that verse, and it is our desire that Jacob cling to all of the truth and the hope that is found in these words.

So there it is... how we deal with the pressure of selecting our kids' birthdays. I hope that as they grow up, Eliana and Jacob would cherish the intentionality with which their birthdays were chosen and view them as incredibly special!

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remebrance Day

2011-10-14T12:04:00.004-04:00

As I have shared the past few years, October 15th is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Last year I shared some research on some statistics related to this and found the following...

-According to emedicine, the overall miscarriage rate is 15-20%. Some physicians believe this percentage may even be higher, as miscarriage can often occur before a woman even knows she is pregnant.

- Approximately 25,000 babies are stillborn each year in the United States, and according to the March of Dimes, about 19,000 babies die within the first month of life (called neonatal death).

- SIDS claims the lives of over 7000 babies each year nationally.

Many, many people are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. And if you are one of those people I want you to know this: your child matters.

So, once again this year, I would like to do a few things tomorrow, on October 15th.

First, I would like to pray for you. If you are comfortable, please feel free to share as much of or as little of your story in a comment below. Also, I would like to invite those of you reading to pray for the people who have courageously shared their stories.

Secondly, as the http://www.october15th.com/ site has announced, you are invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in your time zone to create a wave of light in remembrance of the child/children that you have lost, or in honor of someone else who has lost a child thought miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death.

So, I will start...

My name is Stacy. In the fall of 2007, we lost baby #1 to a miscarriage due to triploidy discovered at 13 weeks. On October 7, 2008, we met our precious son Isaac at 8:33 am. He passed away due to complications from a series of congenital birth defects 16 minutes later. He is deeply, deeply missed and so incredibly loved. In April of this year, we lost baby #4 to a very early miscarriage.

Isaac's 3rd Birthday in Pictures

2011-10-10T13:27:00.003-04:00

{Leaving a pumpkin for Isaac}

{Eliana at Isaac's "special place"}

{Sending the picture she drew for Isaac "up in the sky" on balloons}

{Feeding the ducks with Dad at a park that was special to us during my pregnancy with Isaac}

{Eliana and I at the park}

Happy 3rd Birthday Isaac

2011-10-07T07:42:00.004-04:00

It's not every day anymore that I think about the fact that we buried our son. Don't misunderstand... it's not that we don't think about him. We do. Daily. In one way or another, Isaac is mentioned in our home daily... often in the context of explaining to Eliana that soon she will have two brothers. It is so sweet to me that she recognizes Isaac's pictures, and when we remind her that Isaac is in Heaven, she replies, "With Jesus." What a gift that she knows that. Three years of after losing Isaac, most of our conversations surrounding him are filled with great joy and wonder as we marvel at the fact that Eliana seems to understand so much about who Isaac is in the tapestry of our family.

Yet every October 7th, the vivid reality of what we have experienced, and lost, resurfaces. The fact that we did bury our son; the fact that we did plan his funeral; the fact that the "natural" order of things feels completely altered and out of whack.

In the midst of it though, God has replaced our unanswered questions with a great sense of peace. And today, we celebrated Isaac's life as a family in ways that brought us great joy. This morning Spencer and I each wrote Isaac a letter and Eliana drew him a picture. We picked up some balloons and flowers (and Eliana wanted him to have a little pumpkin!) on our way to the cemetery. Once there, we let Ellie put the pumpkin down at Isaac's special place. We attached our letters and Eliana's picture to a few balloons and let them go. Eliana was fascinated by letting the balloons go "up in the sky for I-Kiss (Isaac)." It brought smiles to our faces to see her so interested in celebrating her big brother. Of course there were moments of tears... staring at your son's grave instead of his sweet face is never easy. But we know that we have been blessed by our son's sweet life, though way to short, and that his place in our family is not only something known to Spencer and I, but is something that Eliana is really seeming to understand as well. I am so thankful for that.

Sweet Isaac,

We miss you so much; but we know that you are in the most perfect of places. You have not been forgotten; your life and legacy continue to touch others... most especially your little sister. Please know that we think of you so often, and love you so much. I am so proud of you. Happy third birthday, sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy

The Days Fly By

2011-09-25T07:10:00.001-04:00

Someone once shared with me that as a mom of young children, it can feel as though the days move slowly but the years fly by. I suppose some days for me are like that, particularly if Eliana decides she doesn't feel like napping. Mostly, however, our days are full... not necessarily with huge plans or a jam packed schedule; but full of laughter, kisses, snuggles, books, songs, pretending, and the simple joys of getting to me Eliana's mommy. The years... or more accurately in our case, weeks and months... do feel like they're flying be.

How in the world am I already 24 weeks pregnant? I am one of those people (who some call crazy for this) who loves being pregnant. I truly do. And there's a part of me that's a little sad about the fact that this pregnancy is moving so quickly. I am eagerly looking forward to meeting Isaac and Eliana's little brother (whom we have named Jacob!); but I really do love the pregnancy part, too.

And how in the world did this little cutie get to be almost 19 months old already?

It amazes me that she has grown and changed and learned so much in what is actually such little time.

Most of all, how has it been nearly three years since I met my sweet Isaac? Has it really been that long? Sometimes it feels like a few weeks ago that we were holding him; yet at the same time, in some ways it feels like another lifetime. In less than two weeks we will celebrate his 3rd birthday... which in many ways is unfathomable to me. 2008 sounds like a long time ago.

There is so much about fall that I love-- the crisp cooler air, all things apple and pumpkin, football... I could go on. Yet this season is a poignant reminder to me of all that was lost... who was lost. I remember so clearly back to October of 2008, walking into the hospital the morning Isaac was to be born, and it still felt somewhat like summer. By the time we left to go home, leaving the hospital holding a picture of my boy instead of my little boy himself, it was as if the seasons had changed overnight... a seemingly fit metaphor for my internal state. And as the leaves fell that autumn, it was as if they were mimicking the the trails of tears that often flowed.

It's a strange thing to approach Isaac's third birthday not only with Eliana here, but also with his little brother Jacob in the womb... a juxtaposition of expectancy for this little life growing inside of me, and a longing for his big brother who is still so deeply missed.

This past week I had the opportunity to attend a MOPS dessert with other moms of young children... many of whom attend our church. I was sitting and talking with a few moms I hadn't met before, and as we got to talking, a few of them put together who I was... and one of them asked about Isaac. I am so grateful. It's not often with having Eliana here, and now being pregnant with Jacob, that I get to talk about him. Of course I love talking about Ellie, and about how this pregnancy is going; but like any mother, I love all of my kids and deeply appreciate the opportunity to talk about Isaac, too... especially this time of year as the missing becomes more pronounced.

I was getting Eliana up from a nap recently, and she pointed to my tummy and said, "Geebock!" (her pronunciation of Jacob). I said, "That's right, Ellie! Jacob is in Mommy's tummy!" I have explained to her that Jacob is her little brother, just like Isaac is her big brother. So she continues and says, "Geebock. Ellie's brother" and chuckles. Then she looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Isaac's brother, too."

And I fought hard to contain the tears.

I am so glad she knows.

Photography Special

2011-09-08T13:09:00.002-04:00

This post is for all of you local folks...

A good friend of mine has started a photography business, and is running a back-to-school special! If you ask me, the price is right, and I know you will love the images that Taylor will capture for your family.

Want to know more? Check out Taylor's blog by clicking here!

Ants

2011-09-05T15:54:00.005-04:00

This sweet girl, who turned 18 months yesterday, has developed quite the fascination for ants. I am not totally sure how this started... maybe when her Aunt Kate took her outside and showed her a little ant army crawling on the sidewalk? I don't know. But I do know that she spent the better part of yesterday's cookout, which had more kids than I could count, staring in utter excitement and awe of hundreds of ants scurrying back and forth along one neighbor's front steps. It didn't matter that there was a water table, or balls, or tons of kids to play with; she was captivated by these little creatures and what they were up to... pointing to them, laughing out loud, and exclaiming "FUNNY!" over and over again. It was a sight to behold... not the ants themselves, but the fact that my daughter was so enamoured by them; and the fact that they held her attention longer than any other kid or toy around.

I suppose this post should really be titled, "How We Made the Decision for Me to Stay Home." But that isn't nearly as fun as sharing about Eliana's latest fascination with ants. There's a connection... I promise. Hang with me.

A few weeks ago, I was out back talking to a neighbor who is also a teacher in the school system in which Spencer teaches (and in which I am currently on leave). She asked me, "How in the world are you able to make this work?" Clearly, she knows about how much Spencer makes since she works in the same school system. My honest answer to her was this: I really don't know.

You see, while we were able to prepare some financially for this year, the decision for me to take leave from teaching was less about the how, and more about the Who. And when that finally clicked (which, truthfully, was only a few months into LAST school year), the decision was totally easy... not because we have some hidden treasure in financial resources, but because we have a greater treasure than this world could offer... and that is a God who loves us and will provide for our every need. Not necessarily our wants... but definitely our needs.

We knew that foregoing my income meant that Spencer's salary wouldn't cover our minimum monthly expenses.

We knew that foregoing my income meant that we would no longer be able to save or accelerate mortgage payments.

We knew that foregoing my income meant that there wouldn't be a trip to Disney in our near future... or really any trip or vacation that didn't involve a free place to stay.

We knew that foregoing my income would be a huge sacrifice, that the numbers didn't totally add up, and that it was a huge leap of faith. We knew that it meant trusting in the promise of Matthew 6:25-33--

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Has God provided for us in practical, tangible ways? Absolutely. He has provided me with a part-time job which I can do from home while Eliana naps, working for a great boss. But what's more, is He has given me a heart of complete peace with this decision, particularly when it comes to our finances. Do we still wonder how we are going to really swing this? Sure. But we trust in the One who loves us and has a greater vision for our lives than we ever could. We know without a doubt that this is what God was calling our family to, and so we are more concerned with the Who.. with Him... than how this thing will all work out.

I also wanted to say that I recognize that there are some of you reading this who just may not be able to swing it financially to stay at home; I want you to know that you are no less of a mother because you are working outside of the home. I realize that for some, staying at home just isn't an option, and a recognize what a sensitive and divisive topic this can be. We just know that given all that unfolded in our lives over the last year, that this truly was God's desire for our family for this season.

So, as I sat and watched Ellie watching the ants, I marveled again at how those littlest creatures are cared for by our God; and how if even the ants are cared for and provided for, then how much more will we be, even if we didn't have it all figured out. He does.

I had to chuckle as I thought about how fortunate I am that I get to sit and marvel as I watch my daughter so engrossed by the ants... and learn to count... and sing the ABC's... and help me make pumpkin pancakes... and the list goes on...

Golf Tournament Recap!

2011-08-29T06:27:00.003-04:00

This post is without pictures, as I am waiting on the awesome photographs taken by two very talented photographers. But, I have been really excited to share about the 3rd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament. Pictures will be in a later post.

85 golfers and numerous volunteers joined us for a day of golf, dinner, prizes, and a chance to hear about the amazing organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know how special this organization is to Spencer and I, as well as to thousands of families across the country.

The weather threatened rain, yet the day of the tournament was warm and sunny... and just cloudy enough at dinner time that folks could better see a short video presentation about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep's mission and services to families. Golfers appeared to have a blast, for which we are grateful!

Two local photographers who volunteer their time with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep shared their experiences from their perspective... how and why they got involved, what it is like to share such a painfully intimate time with a family they do not know, and what they have learned or gained. A close friend shared about her experience of using Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep's services after the birth of her son, Henry, this past January... a particularly poignant moment of the evening for sure.

We are still finishing up the financials for the tournament, but it is looking like approximately $3000 will be able to be sent to this amazing organization to allow them to continue with the important work they are doing on behalf of bereaved families. We are grateful for the generosity of so many who made this possible!

Pictures to come...

What's Happening?

2011-08-14T06:50:00.006-04:00

A lot! Particularly since it has been well over a month since I last posted (yikes!)

We are excited to share that at last Tuesday's ultrasound (at a little over 17 weeks), that our baby not only looks healthy, but that we will be welcoming another little BOY in December. We are excited for Isaac and Eliana to have a little brother, and for some trucks and trains to invade our house :) And since one of you readers was the one who put us on to the name Eliana, which we obviously fell in love with and chose for our daughter, I would love to hear some of your not-too-common but not-too-random boy names! Feel free to leave a comment below if you have a suggestion. Bonus points if it has a really great meaning :)

Did I also mention that I know a bazillion other gals who are pregnant and are due within a month or two of me? Well, not a bazillion, but several... four of whom are close friends or family. I just think it is really fun to be pregnant with friends!

Eliana just turned 17 months and is just absolutely amazing. She is a ball of serious energy, loves to laugh, has a great sense of humor, and a pretty strong will. We traveled to the beach twice this summer, and she had a blast playing in the sand, running into the ocean and splashing in the surf. Ellie apparently has a great affection for sand crabs (her mother does not!) but doesn't quite understand that you aren't supposed to squeeze them. Since we have been back from the beach, she talks about "ocean," "sand," "toes," and "shovel" constantly. She loves to sing songs (Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Do You Know the Muffin Man are two of her favorites), and she is even learning to count! Ellie still loves her books... her lift-the-flap Bible and Oh Baby, Go Baby! are two that she loves. She talks up a storm, and I love that she is becoming more conceptual than just literal. Like right now... Paula Dean is on the Food Network, and she points to the screen and says "COOKING!" She is learning so much right now, and it is just amazing to watch.

The 3rd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament is THIS Friday! The details have been coming together, and we are excited to see what God is going to do through this event. We are grateful to be able to highlight and financially support Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that is extremely special to Spencer and me. We would appreciate your prayers this week as we work through a pretty extensive to-do list, that the details would come together, for good weather, and most of all that God would be glorified through this event.

I've started a (very) part-time job working from home. This job is not only an absolute blessing (I mean, who doesn't like being able to work in their pj's while sitting on their comfy couch??), but has been a really fun challenge. It has caused me to develop and utilize skills that are in some ways so much different from being a teacher, and I am really enjoying that change. The flexibility of my schedule is definitely an added bonus as well!

So that's the latest on us in a nutshell! It's been a busy month, including a trip to the beach, my laptop crashing, and all kinds of things, but we are grateful for some really exciting things coming up through the rest of 2011!

Let me introduce you to...

2011-07-07T09:26:00.003-04:00

Isaac and Eliana's little brother/sister!!!

Baby is due January 15, but will be delivered a few weeks early just like Eliana. S/He will most likely be here the week between Christmas and New Year's.

We are excited, and are grateful that everything looked wonderful with the baby at my ultrasound yesterday. I am 12 1/2 weeks along, and we are moving forward with the hopeful anticipation of meeting this little one in December!

Playground Dedication

2011-06-30T19:27:00.003-04:00

This past Father's Day was incredibly special for our family. After church, we had a dedication ceremony for the playground that was filled with much love, prayer, gratitude, laughter... and of course cake and punch. :)

I had thought for a while about what I would want to share on that day that would really communicate all that Isaac's Playground means to us... not just as a memorial of our son's life, but also as a testimony to who God is. Prior to church that morning, I was imagining all of the squeals of laughter that would be heard later that day as kids got to play on Isaac's Playground for the first time, and I was reminded of how several times in His word, God promises to restore joy, and to replace sorrow with gladness.

The end of Isaiah 35:10 reads, "Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

Jeremiah 31:13 contains a similar promise: "Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. "

It is our sincerest hope that as parents play with their kids on Isaac's Playground and hear them laugh with joy, that they would be reminded of this truth: God is so faithful to restore joy and gladness. We deeply desire that Isaac's Playground would be symbolic of that. Each one of us will at some point experience sorrow; every one of us will face loss. Yet God is faithful, even in the most unthinkable circumstances, to restore gladness and joy... simply because of who He is and what we have in Him.

I am so thankful for that promise.

And with that... here are a few pictures from the dedication ceremony!

It Is {Finally} Finished!

2011-06-13T12:17:00.006-04:00

Well, almost. We still need to install the safety fence, add some lovely shrubs, and plant some pretty flowers at the base of the memorial sign. But otherwise, Isaac's Playground is finished!

On the first Saturday this month, several men went out to the playground site and prepped the ground by digging lots of very deep holes. This past Saturday, over 25 people including family, friends, and folks from church came out in nearly 100 degree temperatures and worked tirelessly to install the playground. And it looks amazing!

We are so thankful for the kindness of numerous people who gave so generously of their time, talent, and treasure to make this happen. We are in awe of the fact that what started out as a vision nearly three years ago has finally taken shape. God's provision has been amazing. And while we would much rather have Isaac with here with us, we are grateful for the opportunity to remember him, to allow his life to continue to do good, and to glorify God in the process.

So to those of you who in some way helped this playground come to fruition... THANK YOU! Though, truly, those two simple words don't feel like nearly enough.

Enjoy the pictures...

High Five

2011-06-02T12:12:00.004-04:00

This sweet girl...

who turns 15 months old this week,

has developed the cute habit lately of wanting to give everyone and everything she sees a "hi-fi" (high five). Whether it's me or Spencer, the checkout lady at the grocery store, other little kids in our street, the characters in her books (which may or may not be human)... everyone and everything deserves a "hi-fi" in her book. It is precious.

Part of our bedtime routine with Eliana, after reading some books, brushing teeth, and saying our prayers, includes going into her room, looking at Isaac's picture, and blowing him kisses. It's so sweet how at this point, all Ellie needs to hear is, "Okay, let's blow Isaac kisses good night," and she immediately turns in the direction of his picture and does so with an enthusiastic "mmmmmwah!"

On Wednesday, though, when she was done blowing kisses, she looked at his picture and said, "Hi-fi? Hi-fi?" My heart melted... and my eyes swelled with tears.

I quietly explained to Eliana how sweet it is that she wants to give her brother a high five, but that right now, he can't give her a high five back. I told her, like I often do, how Isaac is in heaven with God, and that one day, she would be able to give him all of the high fives she wanted. And again, I felt that very real tension between the hope of eternity, and the reality of Isaac's absence on this side of heaven.

It's these little things, the unreturned high fives, that are subtle reminders of Isaac's absence, and how we still long it wasn't so. It's these bittersweet moments when I look at Ellie and am so thankful for the precious gift that she is, and yet am hit square in the face (and the heart) with the missing... even over 2 1/2 years later.

Some have asked me, "At what point do you just move on or get over it and be happy?" And I think this story is such a great response to this question, because it so delicately illustrates the constant balance between the joy that God has graciously restored to our lives and our family, and the missing that, in ever changing capacities, is there.

I don't really know if there are high fives in heaven... but part of me would like to think that maybe there are :)

Golf Tournament, Playground, and Packing... OH MY!

2011-05-26T14:48:00.003-04:00

It's been a crazy few weeks in the Delisle house, and looks like we are in for a few more busy weeks before things start to settle down. I sort of feel like I am in autopilot at the moment, trying to just keep chugging along until the school year comes to an end (which is in 14 school days... not that I'm counting!).

So what's been happening?

Well, plans for this year's Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament are underway, and we couldn't be more excited. This year, part of the proceeds from the tournament will benefit Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and we are grateful to be able to support such an incredible organization. We've been busy solidifying dates, holding organizational meetings, and starting to solidify hole sponsors, prizes, and giveaways. Things are really coming together already, even though the tournament isn't until August 19th. If you're interested in playing or helping in some way, please feel free to leave a comment or email me!

Also, Isaac's playground will be built at our church in the beginning of June! A week from Saturday, the groundwork will be completed, and on June 11th, we will be having a community build to assemble the structure and cement it into the ground. On Father's Day, our church will be holding a dedication ceremony as well... I thought it will be so special for Spencer to do that on Father's Day.

Needless to say, these to things alone have been keeping us busy, on top of wrapping up the school year, packing up my classroom, and chasing around a cute, busy, fast little toddler! She is just a riot these days, talking up a storm, running everywhere, and making her preferences known. Her hair has gone from straight to curly, and at her last doctor's appointment she finally broke the 18lb mark! At almost 15 months old. She's a peanut :)

Stay tuned for updates on the playground in the next few weeks!

Giveaway Winner!

2011-05-15T19:14:00.003-04:00

Thank you all so much for your advice on ways to save money! So many great ideas... from where to shop, how to make your own laundry detergent, and even how to grow plants upside down!

Blogger had quite a hiccup in its service at the end of last week, and several of your comments were deleted. Never a good thing in the middle of a giveaway. So, as promised, any comment labeled "duplicate," or that I recognized as a re-written comment if yours was deleted, was counted twice.

I had high hopes of my cute Ellie drawing a name from a basket. However, today included quite the nap-standoff. So.... I went with random.org instead. As I counted down the comments, each re-written comment was counted as two consecutive numbers. Random.org kindly generated for me the following random number when it picked something between 1 and 48...

True Random Number Generator Min: 1 Max: 48 Result: 39

Jeni V.

I have no idea how to do a screen shot and then import it into Blogger, or I would have. :)

Anyhow, congratulations, Jenni! Please email me at coolteacher79@yahoo.com so I can ship the Laura Story "Blessings" CD to you. Make sure you write "Laura Story CD winner" or something like that in the memo line in case your email goes to my spam folder. I want to make sure I don't delete it.

Thank you all again for your great ideas. They are so helpful!

Blogger Deleted Your Comments!

2011-05-13T13:18:00.002-04:00

Blogger has been having some technical issues the past few days, and somehow, many of your comments have been deleted :( I had been up to 53 (and read every one!) but now it is only showing 16.

So, if you have the time and are willing and able, please go back and check if yours is there. If not, and you could repost your lovely ideas, I would appreciate it so much!!

And, for your hard extra work, if you re-post a comment that was deleted, I will count that comment twice in your chances for the Laura Story CD giveaway. Just be sure to note (duplicate) in your comment.

Thanks!!!

Input Needed... and a Giveaway!

2011-05-11T09:36:00.006-04:00

This post is going to be fun... at least I think so! A solicitation for tips and advice, and a giveaway wrapped into one!

Since I will stop working at the end of this school year and we will be going down to one income, I would LOVE to hear your practical money saving tips.

We have been on a tight budget before... early in our marriage, we made it a priority to get rid of our debt. School loans, credit cards, car payments... we paid off everything but our mortgage (though there is a plan in place for that, too!). So being thrifty isn't a new thing. But, pinching pennies seems to be a lot harder when you have kids! :) And when you've been used to living on two incomes and are cutting that in half.

I am particularly interested about:

- How you are able to reduce your grocery budget while still eating healthy (and for me, this includes buying the organic versions of the "dirty dozen" fruits and veggies.) I already shop sales, plan my menus around them, make a list and only buy what's on it (usually :) ), and buy generic versions whenever possible. It's also important to me to use environmentally friendly cleaning products, and those tend to be more expensive. Except for vinegar... but I have a serious, serious aversion to the smell of vinegar and just wouldn't be able to clean with it. :(

- What things do you do with your kiddos that are fun, memorable, educational, and creative without spending a fortune? (Even the little petting zoo near us is $12 admission!!)

So here's how this will work. Feel free to leave any tips and pieces of advice in the comment section. For every comment you leave, you'll be entered into the giveaway. (So, if you'd rather leave 5 tips as 5 separate comments, go for it!).

And what will you win?

None other than one of my favorite CDs... "Blessings" by Laura Story!

UPDATED-- Several of you have mentioned planting my own vegetable garden. Great idea! We live in a townhouse with a hardscaped patio out back and not really any room to plant veggies. Our townhome is an interior unit, and with the way it is set up, our kitchen counters don't face the window. So... if you have any tips on planting a veggie garden given these restrictions, I would love to hear them! :)
Comments will close on Saturday, May 14th at 5pm EST. The winner will be announced on Sunday, May 15th, so be sure to check back!

The Unacknowledged

2011-05-08T21:24:00.005-04:00

I want to preface this post by saying that I absolutely believe in the spirit of Mother's Day... in a day to acknowledge mothers, those who are like a mother, and most of all God's divine design of motherhood. In some ways, hearing or reading the words "Happy Mother's Day" feels so good to me; and at the same time, it is hard ... because there is a little boy who I will never get to hear whisper those words to me. There is someone missing; the little boy who made me a mother first isn't here. And while three Mother's Days have passed since having Isaac, this particular day is not one that has gotten easier.

This morning in church we were encouraged to wish the moms out there a happy Mother's Day during the greeting... something I think is a truly wonderful thing. Yet at the same time, I thought about people who were likely to be in that room who were probably having a really hard time this morning. About the man or woman who recently lost their mother; about the husband whose wife recently passed away... the mother of his children; about the parents who just lost a child that they long for and love so dearly; about the couple who longs to have children and yet after months or years of trying to get pregnant just... haven't; and about the couple who has pursued parenthood through the beauty of adoption, only to have that adoption fall through.

For many, Mother's Day is an incredibly happy day; but for others, it can be a day that is also full of sorrow. And for them, that sorrow can so easily go unacknowledged.

So, I would encourage you... if you know someone who may go unacknowledged this Mother's Day because their situation is outside the scope of a card that Hallmark creates, acknowledge them anyway.

Acknowledge their hurt or sorrow; acknowledge that this day may be one that is difficult. Let them know that you remember them, too.

And what would a Mother's Day post be without pictures of my sweet kiddos...

Isaac and Ellie~

I am so proud of both of you and am so thankful to be your Mom. You are both incredible. I love you!

The Pregnancy Post I Hadn't Planned on Writing

2011-04-30T06:14:00.003-04:00

I know I still need to get caught up on an Easter post, too :)

But for today, this is the pregnancy post I hadn't planned on writing. No, I am not pregnant... at least not anymore. I debated whether or not to even blog about this, but felt that it was important to do so, mostly so that it might potentially somehow help someone else.

Earlier this month, I miscarried. Again.

I didn't start this blog until I was pregnant with Isaac and we had received news of his prognosis; but prior to conceiving him, I had a missed miscarriage with our first baby at 13 weeks. I remember that time so clearly... being pregnant for the first time and blissfully unaware that anything bad could happen. I do, though, remember asking my OB at a prenatal visit I had around 10-11 weeks what my risks were of miscarrying at that point, and he shared that since the baby's heartbeat had been detected on the doppler, the risk at that point was small.

Yet we found the narrow odds... and I was devastated.

I remember sitting in small group one night as we were watching and discussing the NOOMA video entitled "Rain." I just broke down and and started sobbing. Around the same time, my mother-in-law had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer (and she has been in remission for some time now! Praise God...). Things felt so hard and I was so ready for the rainy storms to pass. I wanted sunshine and rainbows again.

Little did I know what was a few months around the corner, and that Spencer and I would walk through what has unarguably been the most difficult circumstance of our life: losing Isaac.

Difficult trials and circumstances that we have walked through in the past certainly don't preclude us from experiencing them in the present or future; Job would certainly attest to that. And I know some of you would, too.

So earlier this month, I experienced another miscarriage. It was very early, and truthfully, I am okay. I suppose that for me, while there is some disappointment and frustration, I guess it all feels sort of relative to what we've experienced in the past. For us, having lost Isaac has caused this to not sting so badly; but I recognize that for some, an early miscarriage even at 4-5 weeks would be devastating... and I want you to know that it is okay to feel that way.

I hope that for those of you who have lost a child and desire to have more children, this post serves as some encouragement for you that you will be okay even in the midst of more hardship. God is so faithful in meeting us where we are, providing enough grace and peace for each moment, and I know He will do the same for you, too. It is in times like this that I look back on God's past faithfulness and am reminded that He will continue to be faithful in the present and the future.

Psalm 57:10 says "For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."

I pray that truth would encourage your heart today.

Hope in the Hard Places

2011-04-15T12:56:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to write this post in my head for almost two weeks, and to be honest, it just really hasn't come together! As I shared previously, I was fortunate to attend a women's retreat sponsored by my friend Erica's church the first weekend in April. Nancy Guthrie shared some poignant and challenging thoughts on the topic of hope in the hard places, and used the book of Job as the cornerstone of her series. When I came back from the retreat, Spencer asked me about what I learned and what stuck out to me. Truthfully, I had a hard time answering... not because I didn't know, but because I was still processing so much of what Nancy shared. And even still, I find myself challenged by what she shared as we looked deeply into the life of Job. While I was pregnant with Isaac, I found myself reading through Job quite frequently. I felt so drawn to his story, and even more so to the way in which he responded to his sorrow and suffering. I was particularly comforted by the fact that this righteous man grieved so deeply and so openly. He didn't just grieve inwardly and give an appearance of having it all together on the outside; he grieved outwardly, too... fully revealing the depth of his sorrow (Job 1:20). Nancy shared with us that, "Real faith doesn't minimize how much loss hurts, but magnifies how sufficient God is." And I would add that He is the only thing that is sufficient enough to carry you through deep sorrow. What I found particularly challenging was this: after Job openly revealed the depth of his sorrow... he worshipped God. Job 1:20-21 says: "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” I remember how hard it was for me to want to worship God. I remember not being able to sing songs in church, and I remember how the upbeat, cheery songs would almost make my stomach turn because I was aching so, so deeply. I think, though, that my view of what it means to worship when I first considered Job's response was a bit too narrow. Because truly, I believe that worship isn't just singing on Sundays. It isn't just singing along to Christian music in the car. True worship stems from remembering who we are in light of who God is, and we respond to Him in that proper place. And so those times when I cried myself to sleep, begging God to just be near? That's worship. The times when all I could do was open my Bible and read, yearning to find words of comfort and hope there? Countless times when even though I couldn't sing one word to one song in church because I was sobbing too hard to get any words out, but I stood up with the rest of the congregation anyway? That's worship. Nancy shared with us that as Christians, we worship because God is worthy, not because we feel like it... and in that, we find that God often then changes our feelings. I know that has been true for me. A few other great nuggets from Nancy as she walked us through the book of Job: - Genuine faith is revealed when we hold on to what is true about God, even when we suffer. - Goodness and godliness are no guarantee that we will not have to suffer. - The same circumstances that Satan uses to get us to reject God are often the same things that God uses to draw us closer to Himself. - God's love is an active commitment to our ultimate good and eternal happiness. - (In some cases), rather than providing healing, God will provide Himself. - Suffering provides us the opportunity to move from knowing about God, to knowing God in an intimate way. And she left us with this question: Has the suffering in your life allowed your faith to be proved genuine? It is my hope to be able to answer with an honest "yes."

Blessings

2011-04-04T09:48:00.005-04:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a women's retreat through my friend's church and was privileged to hear Nancy Guthrie speak and Laura Story perform. Admittedly, I haven't had time in a while... in a long while... to really sit and think and evaluate where I am at this point in my journey of a mom of two, one of whom is in heaven. I've been so caught up in the momentum of being a working mom and trying to juggle all that comes with that, that I haven't had a chance to sit and really ask myself, "How is your heart with all of this, Stacy?" This weekend allowed me that opportunity. And I realized, that while I can still rarely share about Isaac without tears (which I know is perfectly okay), that over the past year, God has really worked so much in my heart. I remember a while ago blogging about how I had so much trouble singing certain songs in church... songs like "Blessed Be Your Name" and "Mighty to Save" (both of which we sung this weekend, and the ladder being written by Laura Story herself). Even though both of those songs still evoke floods of tears, I find myself in a place where I can finally sing those words with a heart that is fully postured in a position of belief. One of the things Nancy talked about this weekend as she walked us through the book of Job and addressed what it means to have hope in the hard places, was the truth at the end of Job 1. Verse 20 reads: At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship... She talked about that even though Job was stricken with grief, and maybe didn't feel like it, he still worshipped God. Can you relate to that? I know I can. I know that there have been so many times that the best I could, do that my greatest act of worship in that moment, was to simply be able to stand up with the rest of our church congregation as they sang, and instead of singing myself, shed rivers of tears. Gradually, I was able to eek out words here or there during our time of singing. After Laura performed for us on Saturday evening, I had a chance to share with her about Isaac and how much her song "Mighty to Save" meant to me during my pregnancy and in the weeks and months that followed. I shared with her how during my pregnancy, I sang those words with such conviction, knowing that God was capable of healing and saving my son. I also shared with her how for a long time, I really wasn't able to sing that song, and would flip it off when it came on the radio because I felt so hurt that God's answer to our prayers for healing on this side of heaven was "no." And I shared with her how the words to that song played such an instrumental role in allowing me to view Isaac's life in light of eternity; the fact that God did save Isaac, that in Jesus's finishing work on the cross, He did conquer the grave and save Isaac for all eternity. Laura's newest album was just released this year, and on it is a song called "Blessings." You can watch the video for it here. (Be sure to pause the music at the bottom of this page before viewing it). It is worth the 5 minutes of your time it takes to watch it. I am just now getting to a place where I can say, "Yes... I get it. I understand what you mean" when I hear these lyrics. I hope this song touches your heart the way that it did mine, and for those of you who may be struggling in a hard place right now, that it would comfort your heart.

One Year Photo Shoot

2011-03-21T10:48:00.004-04:00

My friend Taylor treated us to a photo shoot to get some updated pictures of Eliana (and of the three of us). I hesitate to use the phrase "family photos" because I know that we are only able to visually capture three of the four of us. Despite Eliana not having taken an afternoon nap (and instead, just sitting in her crib talking and playing for a while!), Taylor did a great job getting all sorts of neat shots. Here's a sneak peak... Enjoy!

Taylor's photography website can be found at www.fieldsofgreenphoto.com.

To Know and Be Known

2011-03-18T13:10:00.000-04:00

One of my deepest desires in my relationships, be it my marriage, friendships, or relationships with family, is to know others and be known. Deeply. Authentically. And really, I believe all of us deeply desire for someone to really know us... to really understand. We know that is possible through a relationship with God; in fact, scripture tells us in Luke 12:6-7 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (emphasis mine). Psalm 139 is filled with a beautiful picture of how deeply the Lord knows us... each of us, who He has uniquely created. Yet I know that it is the heart of so many, particularly many women, who deeply desire to be in relationship with others here on Earth in a way in which we are also deeply known.

Being "known" in our immediate family has had some really interesting, and heart-warming developments. I've shared before about how it is our desire that Eliana always understand that Isaac is her brother... that from the start, he is part of her schema of who are family is. Lately, when Ellie gets up from her naps, she'll point to the picture of Isaac on the shelf in her room and squeal with delight. As we walk downstairs to the playroom, we'll often stop to look at all of the framed photos that we have hung on the wall. We point to Mommy, to Daddy, Auntie Kate, and to others. When we ask her, "Ellie... where is the picture of your brother Isaac?" She points to him. Immediately. She knows.

Most touching, though, is how Eliana will walk over to the bookshelf in the living room and pull Isaac's photo album out and bring it over to us. I'll sit her in my lap, and look through the pictures with her, carefully narrating each one. This past week, she started to lean over and interact with the pictures. Whether it is pointing to something in the picture and asking " This?" (her way of asking "What is this?"), putting her cheek against Isaac's picture and saying "Awwww.....", or bending over and giving his picture a kiss, it is clear that she now only knows who Isaac is, but that she knows that he is someone worthy of her affection. He is known.

My heart swells. With joy, with sadness that Ellie won't get to meet Isaac on this side of Heaven, and with gratitude for God's faithfulness in allowing Isaac's life to continue to hold a prominent place in the tapestry of our family as Eliana continues to grow and learn. I am so grateful that our sweet little one year old understands who Isaac is, even if it's in the most simplest of ways.

Birthdays, Decisions, and other Family Happenings

2011-03-15T09:14:00.003-04:00

As I'm sure you can imagine, this few weeks preparing for, hosting, and cleaning up after Eliana's birthday party have been nothing short of busy. It was such a joy to be able to plan and prepare for her birthday party... to have a house stuffed to the gills with family and friends... to watch her shove cake in her tiny little mouth and fling it all over the place... to catch up with out of town family... and to celebrate our little girl who is growing up much faster than I would like. Regretably, I don't have a ton of pictures of my own from our sweet girl's party, but am waiting on pictures that others have taken. I'll get a few of those up when I receive them.

Big decisions are being made in our house... most notably, Spencer and I have prarefully considered my work situation for next school year, and have decided that it would be best for me to take a leave of absence. So... June 17th has a whole new meaning, knowing that I will be packing up my classroom and will be getting to stay home next year with my sweet girl. Our hope is to max out the number of years of leave for which I am eligible, yet we are taking it one year at a time.

This was a big decision for us in a number of ways... and as you can imagine, reducing your household income by 50% can be a scary thing. As I was reflecting back on how I have made decisions in the past, I have always felt the need to look three, four, five, or even ten steps ahead so I could be sure of how everything would likely play out before making big decisions. And while I believe that it is wise to be prudent, I also believe that I have been more of a "Thomas" than I would like to admit...

Jesus Appears to Thomas (John 20)

24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

There are a lot of unknowns as we move forward... whether or not Spencer will get promoted to an Assistant Principal position for next year, how we will financially be able to swing this. And yet, we are trusting that because we believe this is God's desire for our family, that He will faithfully provide and allow it to work. We don't know what that will look like or how that will play out; but we are trusting God's words of Matthew 6...

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

And to say I am excited is an understatment. I am so excited to be with Ellie... I am excited to see God's hand of faithfulness. I am excited to take a break from the working world (as far as a career is concerned), to be able to spend more delving into my role as a wife and a mother, and to spend time further developing the Isaac Delisle Foundation.

So we ask for your prayers as we make this exciting transition :)

Pictures from Ellie's birthday to come...

Almost 1!

2011-02-21T09:12:00.006-05:00

March 4, 2010.

Truly, it feels like a blink of an eye since that day. And yet, Eliana has grown and changed so much! Has it really almost been a YEAR? It feels like yesterday that I caught my breath and held it until I first heard her little cry right after she was born. It feels like yesterday that they held her up over the blue curtain and I saw that thick head of hair and beautiful chubby little face.

Eliana is walking, trying all sorts of new foods, talking up a storm, and is still as sweet and silly as ever. She loves making all the different animal sounds when you ask her what each one says, gives a high five, and thinks that pointing to a person's nose is hilarious. She is truly amazing. It is really hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that in a couple of weeks, we will be celebrating her first birthday. Elmo style. Because, she, like many other kids her age, seems to have become obsessed with this red furry friend.

The funny thing about time is that it always seems to feel too fast or too slow... meetings that seem to drag on, yet only lasted forty minutes; a year in a child's life that feels like it flew by in a matter of days.

One of my favorite psalms says:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. ~ Psalm 90:12

Yet that can be so hard, can't it? Hectic schedules and too many demands can easily throw our priorities so out of whack... and that's when time flies, or it drags. To number our days, we need to be fully present, living fully in each moment, thanking God for both the little and the big things and knowing that each day is truly a gift.

Please Vote for Us!

2011-02-15T05:30:00.000-05:00

Last fall I entered us into a contest to win a photography session with the awesome photographer, Crissie Traugott, who did my maternity pictures and newborn pictures with Eliana. She is awesome!

The bad news: we didn't win.

The good news: she's holding another contest and we are entered!!!

Could you please vote and help us win?

To help, please visit Crissie's Facebook site and "like" her page.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Crissie-Traugott-Photography/92815980769

Then, please lave a comment on our photo! Simply "liking" the photo won't count.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=501441025769&set=a.501440670769.273831.92815980769&theater

For every 5 comments, we get 1 entry into the drawing.

Thanks for helping us!

How to Make Love

2011-02-14T07:30:00.000-05:00

In honor of Valentine's Day, I wanted to direct you to an incredible post written by the eloquent Ann Voskamp. So, hop on over to her blog and check out this post. You'll be glad you did :)

In Joy and Pain, in Sun and Rain, You're the Same

2011-02-09T09:54:00.001-05:00

Sitting here listening to Pandora, and on came one of my David Crowder Favorites... Never Let Go.

I love that line, the one that says, "In joy and pain, in sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go."

It is the constancy of God's character that causes me to still hope... to know that we can trust Him, not because of His activity, but because of His constant character.

These past few months continue to be filled with such joy as we continue to watch Eliana grow up. I am in constant awe of the miracle that she is... her amazing personality, how much she is learning, the way she laughs. How she is developing preferences for certain things, like sweet over savory (just like her Mama!) and like cats over dogs... for particular books over others. She is becoming a fairly proficient walker (video to follow in an upcoming post!), knows how to point to Mommy's nose, says several words (like purple, Isaac, and cheese). She is absolutely amazing.
It's incredible to me that a person has the capacity to envelope such joy, while the missing can simultaneously still linger. I often wonder what Eliana and Isaac would do if they had been given the chance to play together. I wonder if he would be as enamored by his little sister as we are.
I am just really grateful for the fact that God just meets us in that, and that the constancy of His character allows me to be able to trust Him, even though I don't always understand what He may be up to.

"...for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness..." ~ Psalm 26:3

One Thousand Gifts

2011-01-27T08:27:00.004-05:00

It's a gorgeous snowy day here in Maryland. Although, if you were one stuck on any of our local highways yesterday evening, you may not agree. As a household of teachers, though, we love a good snowfall... especially when it actually comes to fruition!

Other than playing with Eliana and baking, my other favorite snowy day activity is reading. A few weeks ago, Angie Smith mentioned a book on her blog entitled One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It turns out, this is also the new book Angie and Jessica Turner are using for the Bloom Book Club at (in)Courage. The tag line for the book is, "a dare to live fully right where you are."

Who doesn't want to do that?

Working full time this year has been hard, and I the subject of the book piqued my interested; so I ordered it. And between yesterday's snow day and being home again today, I am already half way through. I can't put it down. It is truly one of the best books I have read in a long time.

Ann is an incredibly artistic and gifted writer, sharing authentically about her desire to live a full life... a life of gratitude. She incorporates everyday experiences, a thoughtful analysis of scripture, and personal tragedy as she shares what it means to life fully in each moment.

You'll want to order this book. A hard copy... not the electronic version... because you'll want to mark it up. There is so much good stuff in there. So much so, that once I finish it the first time, I think I will need to go back and reread it to be sure I didn't miss anything.

A few nuggets so far...

With an expiration of less than twelve hours, what does Jesus count as all most important? 'And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...' (Luke 22:19 NIV)... In the original language 'he gave thanks' reads 'eucharisteo...' The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning 'grace...' but it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning 'joy.' (p.31-32).

As long as thanks as possible, then joy is always possible. (p.33)

Referring to Matthew 11, Ann writes, And then what does Jesus do, in the face of apparent failure, when no one responded to His teaching and things didn't work out at all? He lives out eucharisteo. (p.36)

We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks. (p.39)

A question that many of us have probably asked at one point, or several...

How in the world, for the sake of my joy, do I learn to use eucharisteo to overcome my one ugly and self-destructive habit of ingratitude... with the saving habit of gratitude-- that would lead me back to deep God-communion. (p.44)

On the next page, Ann accepts a challenge from a friend...

Could I write a list of a thousand things I love? (p.45)

But in this counting of gifts, to one thousand, more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life...life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time. (p.57)

And so begins Ann's process, a challenge to all of us read this book really, to become people who live a live full of gratitude in all things... for all things.

I'll wrap this up by saying that in no way am I receiving any sort of compensation for mentioning Ann's book here. I simply was made aware of it, became interested, ordered it, and am now engrossed in it ant deeply challenged by it.

It's well worth a read. Several reads, really.

Enjoy...

What's New?

2011-01-12T20:39:00.001-05:00

I can't thank you enough for praying for Sarah, Henry, and the rest of her family. I was able to visit Sarah at the hospital last Thursday and meet her precious son. He was beautiful. I was just captivated by his tiny features... including a cute little chin and perfect little nose... and was so grateful that he had some sweet fuzzy hair. Sarah really wanted to be able to get some locks of hair, and I am thankful that the Lord provided that opportunity for her. Please continue to pray for this family as they hold Henry's funeral this Saturday. I know she has seen the prayers that have been offered on her behalf, and I know she is incredibly grateful for that.

So what else is new?

Not much :)

Eliana turned 10 months old last week, and I can't believe that I am already starting to think about her first birthday party. People aren't kidding when they say, "they grow up so fast!" Ellie is still a little peanut... rocking her 6-9 month clothes (and even some 3-6 month clothes still!), swimming in most 12 month clothes... but her huge personality is in no way deterred by her petite stature. She has developed, quite randomly, a strong affection for Elmo, and for whatever reason, excitedly growls his name whenever she says it. She loves her stuffed Elmo, pop-up book with Elmo, puppet book with Elmo, diapers with Elmo... you name it. It is quite hilarious, actually. She's as curious as can be, loves playing with Grandma's kitty cats and our neighbors and friends dogs, and is so intrigued by the simplest things, like long games of peek-a-boo. She's finally cutting her third tooth (the first two came in right at 5 months), cruising around like crazy, and I have a hunch she'll be taking her first step quite soon. She is so incredible and brings us so much joy... and many, many good laughs!

She loves watching the snow (even though she doesn't love playing in it...)

She loves rooting for the Jets with Daddy! I'm sure this will be the scene this coming Sunday!

Such a big (little) girl at 10 months old! Walking with Mommy...

... and cuddling with Mommy, too! Sort of. This may be the moment where she decided she wanted get down and keep walking!

Reading is still one of Eliana's favorites! She's really into interactive books, like pop-up books, peek-a-boo books, booke that have puzzle-like pieces that come out. She's a great little page turner, too!

In other "news," my sleep issue has improved a little bit, but is still fairly unresolved. Medication wise, not a lot really seems to do the trick. I am still working with a neurologist at a center that specializes in sleep issues to try to find something that works well for me. Many of the medications help you get to sleep which, as Spencer will attest to, isn't my problem. Staying asleep is, and none of the medications have really helped with that aspect of it. Hopefully, as I continue to meet with them for follow up, we'll eventually figure out something that works. Until then, my one trusty cup of coffee, and more importantly, the confidence in knowing that God really will enable me and strengthen me to still function in the day-to-day, are getting me through.

This weekend I will be flying to Atlanta for the wedding of my dear friend, Kim. Kim and I met when she was in high school, and I was her Young Life leader. We have so many great memories together... from Bible study and breakfast before school, to trips to Ocean City, NJ. I love this girl's heart, and her fiance, Andrew, is one very lucky guy! I am so excited to celebrate with her this weekend. At the same time, I am incredibly nervous to hop on a plane and leave Eliana. She will do great, I know, at home with Spencer. I would appreciate prayers, though, for safe, quick, and uneventful flights. I am normally not scared to fly; this time, well... I'm slightly nervous.

Things with Isaac's playground are still moving along. The equipment has been ordered, and I am so excited for the community install that is going to take place this spring. More on that as details roll in.

I wish we were more exciting... this is such a boring, and random, update for the most part! So maybe it's better to ask... what do YOU want to know? Anything you're wondering about? Something I've blogged about previously you're curious to hear an update on that maybe I forgot about? I hope that 2011 is off to a great year for each of you. I know we are looking forward to what this year holds in store!

Another Update

2011-01-06T08:32:00.002-05:00

I received a text from Sarah that Henry passed away at 8:00 this morning. My heart is so heavy.

Please continue to pray for them, particularly now as the grief of losing their son really begins to set in.

I am planning to visit Sarah this afternoon. Please be praying for that time. Please pray that God would equip me with the words, or the lack of words, that would be of the greatest comfort to Sarah. Please pray that my ministering to them would draw them to Christ. That is my deepest desire... that they would find the peace and comfort that comes from knowing Him. I cannot imagine going through this without my faith in God.

When Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter, he said, "The only thing scarier than going through this with my faith, is going through it alone, cursing God." That resonates with me so deeply.

Thank you for continuing to pray for this precious family, especially now...

Update

2011-01-05T10:57:00.003-05:00

Thank you all so much for praying for my friend, Sarah. With her permission, I am posting the update that I received in an email from her this morning...

Henry was born yesterday at 8:38am, weighed 2.4 pounds and is almost 15 inches. He has made it through his first night and has been doing so well. He's been eating formula by dropper, talking to us, and even opened his eyes the tiniest little bit. Everyone is surprised by what a fighter our little guy has been. I'm loving every moment, bittersweet that it may be.

I am so thankful for the time this family has had together. I am so thankful that God graciously has provided time for their family member to meet Henry while he is still alive.

Please continue to pray for this family. I know that they are grateful for your prayers.

Please Pray

2010-12-31T08:51:00.005-05:00

Over the past several weeks I have gotten together with another mom who has found herself in the position of being given a fatal prenatal diagnosis for her son. This mom's precious baby has been diagnosed with triploidy, a lethal genetic condition. She bravely chose to carry her son to term, and is scheduled to deliver him on Tuesday, January 4th, 2011.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be walking with this dear mom on this most unthinkable path; I am grateful that she would allow me into her place of pain; and I am trusting that God is using our experience with Isaac to bring some level of comfort to this family.

I am asking that you would please pray for this family... for this mom, her husband, their two young daughter, and their precious son who is about to be born. Would you please pray for comfort, for peace. Would you please pray for the staff who will be caring for them (which includes my friend, nurse Kathy, that helped deliver both Isaac and Eliana). Would you pray that their time with their son would be precious, and that somehow a lifetime of love would be squeezed into such a finite time? Would you pray for a restful night's sleep the night before for this mother and her husband? Would you pray for wisdom for them as they continue to try to explain this to their two young daughters? Would you pray for a miracle?

One of the things I love about having a blog is being able to write posts like this, and confidently knowing that others will be praying. If you desire to do so, feel free to leave your prayers in the comments below and I will forward them along to this sweet family.

Thank you for joining me in lifting them in prayer...

Joy...

2010-12-27T19:31:00.006-05:00

Christmas day was a bit hectic with lots of running around a family to visit. Our day started like it has the past three Christmases... with a trip to the cemetery. It's a strange thing to begin Christmas there. I am not sure that I will ever get used to that; yet at the same time, it wouldn't feel right to NOT be there. We made the Baltimore "circuit" after that, with stops at my Mom's, my Dad's, and my aunt's house with all of my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins...) on my Dad's side of the family. We were supposed to head up to Manhattan for a few days to visit Spencer's family, but decided against driving right into a blizzard and inches upon inches of snow. Enjoy taking a look at Eliana's first Christmas!!

Eliana checking out her new chair!

My Pal Violet!

Reading her new butterfly book...

With Grandma and Grandpa Jim!

Reading with Grandpa Jim

Presents!

Hangin' out with Dad by the fire...

Checkin' out Auntie Kate's new bag...

Reading with Pop-Pop!

All smiles :)

The obligatory (and fun!) annual cousin photo!

I pray that your Christmas was filled with unspeakable joy as you celebrated the birth of Jesus, the One whose presence was the greatest gift of all!

Big News!!

2010-12-17T10:16:00.002-05:00

No, I am not pregnant. Just to put it out there :)

I am incredibly excited to share that Isaac's playground is going to be built very soon!!! The construction of our new church building was delayed due to some permit issues. However, those were resolved, and we moved into our new building this fall.

Over the past few weeks, a committee from church has been meeting to discuss Isaac's playground, select equipment, and decide on colors. The distributor we decided to go with was even having a sale on equipment that allowed us to order a structure larger than we had anticipated, which is awesome!

Below is a rendition of what the playground will look like. We are going to order a customized sign as well, and are hoping to add a few benches and maybe a couple of those springy ride-on creatures.

I know it goes without saying that I would much rather have Isaac here than have a playground built in his memory. But... we are so grateful for the generosity of so many people, including many of you readers, to be able to make the construction happen. We are grateful for the opportunity to give something back to our church, and to see it bring joy to so many children, including our precious Eliana, in the years to come. God's provision in this project has been abundant, and we are so thankful!

So Small

2010-12-11T20:33:00.003-05:00

This past week on the way to work, I had one of those moments. You know the ones. Maybe you've had one yourself. Those times when a perfectly timed tune renders you clown-faced because your freshly applied mascara is now smeared down your face thanks to the many tears you suddenly started to shed. This time, I have Carrie Underwood to thank.

A few years ago, I first heard her song "So Small" and used it for a lesson with my 6th grade English students at the time. I thought I had come up with this great, creative, high-interest lesson that my students would totally love. After all, who didn't love Carrie Underwood? Apparently the 6th grade boys. And my lesson flopped :)

I hadn't heard the song in quite a while. When I heard it this past week, the lyrics themselves would have been enough to trigger my response. However, this time, snippets from parents whose children were battling, or had lost their battle with, cancer were superimposed as the song was playing. I quickly realized that this radio station was holding a fundraiser for St. Jude's. So as I listened to this song, which was somewhat consoling to me after I miscarried our first baby at 13 weeks back in late 2007, I was flooded with emotions... emotions of that time as I remembered going in for an ultrasound and being told my baby no longer had a heartbeat; emotions of our time with Isaac as I listened to these parents talk about how they were praying and pleading for their child's life. And the flood gates opened.

You may not be familiar with the lyrics, and if that's the case, you can find them here. While so much of this song has to do problems that feel huge, our perseverance through them, and looking on the bright side. I will be the first to say that I truly know that some of life's struggles really are huge... that it's not necessarily just a matter of a perspective shift, but that it's a deep, deep struggle. A struggle of grief; a struggle of making sense of it all; a struggle of reconciling tragic circumstance with a God who is truly good, but yet still allowed it to happen.

What struck me differently this time was the refrain, which talks about how when you figure out that love is all that matters after all, it makes everything else seem so small. And while this was never intended to be a Christmas song, this sentiment sure reminded me of it.

Because you see, many of us, myself included, face so much stress around the holidays. Stresses of overcommitment; stresses of family gatherings and the good, bad, and ugly that can sometimes come along with that; stresses of maybe not being able to "afford Christmas" this year because of the economy, but yet not wanting to disappoint. And yet, what really matters most, particularly during this Christmas season, is love.

To borrow some of my own words from last year, "Over 2000 years ago, God began his redemptive plan for humanity... for your soul and for mine. On this night, Love came down... leaving His heavenly throne, and made his way humbly into our world as tiny baby in a manger whose name is Jesus...to walk among us sharing a story of hope and redemption, and to ultimately give up his own life for the sake of ours. "

That is love... and that is the spirit of Christmas. When we understand this, it really alters our perspective and helps the stresses of the holiday season to not occupy the space in our minds and our hearts that they don't deserve. This love makes everything else seem so small in comparison, when we truly remember what Christmas is all about.

It is my hope and prayer for your family that this time of year would be filled with great joy and a sense of wonder as you are reminded anew of God's redemptive plan not only for all of humanity, but specifically for your heart and for mine. That your time with our family and friends would be rich, but that your time with your Savior would be richer.

I need to wrap this up (no pun intended!), but I would love to hear what your favorite Christmas tradition is with your family... whether it is something from your childhood and growing up, or something that you started once you got married or had your own children. I love getting this peek into your lives, and hearing your ideas! I thought this would be a fun thing to share, and that perhaps many of us could find new ways to celebrate this Christmas!

Thanksgiving

2010-12-05T12:56:00.004-05:00

Better late then never, as the old saying goes, right?

This year, we packed ourselves up and headed to Atlanta to visit Spencer's sister and her family. Spencer's dad, brother, and other sister flew from Manhattan and met us there as well. It was great to introduce Eliana to her aunt and uncle, as well as her cousins that she had never met. I was able to meet up with a few friends while we were there as well, one of whom I have known since she was a freshman in high school and I was her Young Life leader.

While the weather didn't fully cooperate for a lot of outdoor activities, we spent some time playing board games, going to the aquarium, and just being together. Admittedly, I was a little nervous about flying with a baby for the first time. All in all, Ellie did a great job... and even getting through security at the airport during one of the busiest travel weekends of the year proved to be pretty easy!

Enjoy a few highlights from our trip...

Grace for the Moment

2010-11-18T12:13:00.003-05:00

I have a book with the above title on our bookshelf, but haven't picked it up in a while. I think I need to get back to it.

I shared a few months ago about what a struggle it was to figure out whether or not to return to work full time. I had thought that the stress of a stay-at-home job that was mostly commission based would be too much for me, but little did I know that the job I already felt very competent at doing would fee even more difficult.

You see, I've always been a planner... a multi-tasker who could juggle an awful lot at one time with a fair amount of ease. Because of that, and because of such of a lack of peace about other job options for this year, I thought that after an adjustment period that all working moms experience I would be just fine. I would get into a groove, find a routine that worked fairly well, and would be able to just go with it.

The trouble is, I am still waiting for that groove... for a routine that works even moderately well. This is pretty unchartered territory for me. I look around and see so many other working moms who are able to do it, and there's a part of me that sort of feels incompetant that I don't feel like I can... at least not well, or to the level I desire.

Since returning to work, my sleep at night has gotten progressively worse, and at this point, seems to be a full-blown case of chronic insomnia. It started while I was still nursing Eliana, and so my options as far as trying to treat it were fairly limited to things like warm milk, chamomile tea, ear plugs, and an eye mask. I think the lack of sleep caused a sooner-than-desired end to my ability to continue to nurse her, and so my general doctor suggested a few over the counter remedies at that point. These, too, do not seem to work. In fact, Tylenol PM makes me antsy. The trouble isn't so much falling asleep; it's staying asleep, and being able to get back to sleep if I do wake up.

So for more nights than I can count, I have woken up a few times throughout the night. Depending on the time, I may or may not be able to get back to sleep. And for more mornings than I can count, my day has started between 2:30 and 3:30am, followed by 2 or 3 hours of laying in bed, becoming frustrated that I can't fall back asleep, feeling overwhelmed about how much I need to do that day on such a small amount of sleep. I've tried so many things in those hours to get back to sleep, and nothing seems to work.

A few nights ago, as I layed there starting to become frustrated, my mind wandered to: My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness. And then to: Not by might, not by power, but by My spirit says the Lord.

I realized that it may (unfortunately) be a while until this sleep thing is figured out. The soonest the sleep center in our area could fit me in for a consultation is in late December. But, I was reminded of the fact that even though I have no idea how I could accomplish making it through a full day of work, spending time with Eliana, cooking dinner, spending time with Spencer, and completing any other household things that need to be done that day or fulfill other commitments I may have... I just don't need to know. God gently reminded me that He will grant me enough grace for each moment, and I don't need to think 5 or 10... or even 2 steps ahead, wondering how I will be able to take care of things. He will provide the grace, and the strength... and I need to trust Him at His word on that.

I would appreciate your prayers as Spencer and I, along with my doctor and the folks at the sleep center, try to get to the bottom of this. This is a huge unanticipated curve ball. While I expected to have some tired days if Eliana had a rough night (what mom of a baby doesn't?), I didn't expect this. Thank you for praying...

Long overdue...

2010-11-08T19:07:00.007-05:00

They say better late than never, right? So while lots of other moms got their cute Halloween pictures up, we were busy fighting a vicious stomach bug in our house. Little Ellie was hit pretty hard, but thankfully is on the mend. Anyhow, a few pictures of our little bumblebee...

Despite her costume's cuteness, she wasn't a huge fan. The puffy tummy of the costume made it hard for her to sit and crawl... she just couldn't figure it out. Truthfully, her frustrated attempts were sort of cute to watch. :) Needless to say, she only wore the costume for a little over an hour as we attended a neighbor's Halloween party, but it was fun while it lasted!

Just a few days later, Eliana turned 8 months old! She's crawling like crazy, loves to pull herself up, and has started to walk while holding on to a push toy. She "talks" up a storm, and uses "dadada" and "mama" appropriately. I know the other moms out their can relate to how wonderful it is to finally hear "mama".

I just love Eliana's fun, spirited personality. She's outgoing, loves to laugh, and is so proud of herself when she accomplishes something new. She's curious... often seeing in things little details that I easily miss. She is such a treasure.

With the fun of Halloween having passed, fall tends to take a turn and begins to focus on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Admittedly, October through New Years tends to be a difficult time for me. I am sure that many who have gone through the grief of losing a loved one, particularly a child, would agree that the holidays are hard. Of course, the bittersweet dynamic of our family with having one child here and one waiting for us in Heaven is there. It's in day-to-day life sorts of things, like the fact that Eliana's pictures grace the mantle in some one's home, yet Isaac's picture is nowhere to be found.

But the holidays... it's like missing magnified. While I shop for mega blocks and a big stuffed chair for Eliana, I wonder what "Santa" would be bringing Isaac this year. While our family will sit and hold hands around the Thanksgiving table sharing what we're grateful for, I'll be holding one of my children's hands but not the other. I'll be giving thanks for Eliana's good health, and wishing the same had been true for my son.

I suppose all this is to say that many of our days, and much of each day, is filled with a lot of laughter and joy; but, the heart of a mom who is missing her son does just that: misses her son... notices his absence, and longs for him to be here.

If you are reading and have also lost a child, I am sure that rings true for you, too. And if you are reading and know someone who is doing the missing, I would encourage you to find ways to sensitively remember their child this holiday season. For me, it does my heart good to know that Isaac is talked about, remembered, and has not been forgotten.

Movin' and Groovin'

2010-10-30T11:29:00.003-04:00

It's been quite a few weeks here in our house. Eliana has been keeping us quite busy! She is really on the move now... crawling, pulling up, and even attempting to take a step or two while holding on to something. Here's a little peek at how we found her in her crib last weekend after her nap. She is so proud of herself... it cracks me up!

Ellie continues to be such a joy. She loves people, is really outgoing, loves to talk and to laugh... she is just so precious. Be sure to check back in a few days for pictures from her first Halloween!

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

2010-10-14T13:45:00.006-04:00

As I have shared the past few years, and as many o fyou already know, October 15th is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Last year I shared some research on some statistics related to this and found the following...

-According to emedicine, the overall miscarriage rate is 15-20%. Some physicians believe this percentage may even be higher, as miscarriage can often occur before a woman even knows she is pregnant.

- Approximately 25,000 babies are stillborn each year in the United States, and according to the March of Dimes, about 19,000 babies die within the first month of life (called neonatal death).

- SIDS claims the lives of over 7000 babies each year nationally.

One of the reasons I am so anxious (in a good way) to get the Isaac Delisle Foundation up and running is that there is clearly a huge need for additional support for bereaved parents. Many, many people are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. And if you are one of those people I want you to know this: your child matters.

So, once again this year, I would like to do a few things this October 15th.

First, I would like to pray for you. If you are comfortable, please feel free to share as much of or as little of your story in a comment below. Spencer will be busy with the guys from our small group tomorrow evening, and I would like to take that time to pray. Also, I would like to invite those of you reading to pray for the people who have courageously shared their stories.

Secondly, as the http://www.october15th.com/ site has announced, you are invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in your time zone to create a wave of light in remembrance of the child/children that you have lost, or in honor of someone else who has lost a child thought miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death.

So, I will start...

My name is Stacy. In the fall of 2007, we lost baby #1 to a miscarriage due to triploidy discovered at 13 weeks. On October 7, 2008, we met our precious son Isaac at 8:33 am. He passed away due to complications from a series of congenital birth defects 16 minutes later. He is deeply, deeply missed and so incredibly loved.

Isaac's 2nd Birthday

2010-10-12T18:53:00.006-04:00

It's a strange thing to figure out how to celebrate the second birthday of your child who is no longer here. I am not sure I will ever feel celebratory on October 7th... bittersweet seems to be more accurate. The bitter reality that Isaac is no longer here coupled with the sweetness of memories of having gotten to meet him, to have snuggled him, and to have loved him his whole life.

Families who have lost a child often struggle to figure out what feels right for them in terms of remembering their baby on his or her birthday. Some families have parties and bake cakes, some choose to barely acknowledge the day and think of it as a non-event, and others establish traditions that don't feel very birthday-like, yet are still a way to remember and honor their child as they continue to weave his or her presence into the tapestry of their family.

For us, it looked like an "I love Isaac" onesie on Eliana...

And a family picnic at the cemetery...

It looked like sending letters to heaven on the strings of blue balloons...

And a family hike at a place very special to us when I was pregnant with Isaac...

(although the hike plans got deterred because of a serious stink bug infestation!)

Thankfully, October 7th was a gorgeous day here in Maryland... the first after several days of heavy rains. And just a few short days later, God even painted us a beautiful rainbow :)

Two Years

2010-10-07T08:26:00.008-04:00

I am amazed at how time can both simultaneously fly and crawl... how it feels like such a short time ago that I met Isaac, snuggled him, kissed his little face, and told him over and over how much I love him and how proud I am of him. Yet at the same time, it feels like forever since I last saw him. There is so much that I very clearly remember about this day two years go; and yet other details are starting to become fuzzy, despite my best effort to remember everything so sharply. Has it really been two years? Two whole years?

Dear Isaac,

I want you to know that I have not stopped thinking about you. While my head knows that you are healthy and whole, delighting in the fullness of God's glory, my heart still aches for you and longs for you to be here with us. I wish that you could be here to see your little sister and the amazingly beautiful, sweet, and fun little girl she continues to become. I wish that you were here to go to the pumpkin patch with us on Saturday, for me to pull you around in a wagon, to go down the slide on the playground. I wish we would be throwing a birthday party for you; instead, today we'll visit the cemetery and go on a hike to a place that was very special to me and daddy while you were still in my tummy. I miss you so much, Isaac. You are so precious to me and your absence is still very profound.

You have made such a difference in my life and in the lives of so many other people. You have made the world better because you were here. I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be your mommy. I love you so, so much, Isaac. I miss you...

Love,
Mommy

Click here to view the slideshow of Isaac's birthday.

The Stump

2010-10-02T07:51:00.005-04:00

It's a brisk fall morning here in Maryland. The leaves have started to turn, and evidence of fall is all around. As I wrote the date on the board in my classroom yesterday, I had a hard time with the fact that another October has arrived. All of these things, and many more, are so tightly bound to Isaac. It is a strange thing to be able to marvel at the beauty of fall, and at the same time, feel the weeping rise up within you.

As is often the case, I received a timely email from a friend yesterday... another mom who knows the pain of losing a child. In fact, she has lost two: twin boys in March of 2008. She has been a tremendous encouragement to me over the past couple of years, and this email was no different. Having been sitting in a Starbucks reading Jerry Sittser's book A Grace Disguised, she wanted to pass along an excerpt that she found particularly comforting.

"But is it possible to live this way? Is it possible to feel sorrow for the rest of our lives and yet to find joy at the same time? Is it possible to enter the darkness and still to live an ordinary, productive life? Loss requires that we live in a delicate tension....

The sorrow I feel has not disappeared but it has been integrated into my life as a painful part of a healthy whole. Initially my loss was so overwhelming to me that it was the dominant emotion - sometimes the only emotion - I had. I felt like I was staring at the stump of a huge tree that had just been cut down in my backyard. That stump, which sat all alone, kept reminding me of the beloved tree that I had lost. I could think of nothing but that tree. Every time I looked out the window, all I could see was that stump. Eventually, however, I decided to do something about it. I landscaped my backyard reclaiming it once again as my own. I decided to keep the stump there, since it was both too big and too precious to remove. Instead of getting rid of it, I worked around it. I planted shrubs, tress, flowers and grass. I laid out a brick pathway and built two benches. Then I watched everything grow. Now, three years later, the stump remains still reminding me of the beloved tree I lost. But the stump is surrounded by a beautiful garden of blooming flowers and growing trees and lush grass. Likewise, the sorrow I feel remains but I have tried to create a landscape around the loss so that what was once ugly is now an integral part of a large, lovely whole."

I've spoken before about how much I loved this book. I not only love his authenticity, but his writing is so metaphoric. He is able to so beautifully articulate things I seldom have the ability to explain. But this explains it so well; and I am confident that others of you reading who have lost a child, or have experienced a significant loss of another loved one, can relate.

Almost two years later, the sorrow of losing Isaac is still there... and it is still great. As I watch all that Ellie is doing and find so much joy in her presence, my heart weeps for the little boy who I didn't get to share similar moments with. I find myself starting to tell Ellie, "We're all here with you!" only to be painfully reminded that that statement is false; her big brother is missing.

While the sorrow may be a painful part of our lives that will always be, God continues to faithfully show us how to integrate it into a healthy whole. I think about His provision with two golf tournaments, with the establishment of the Isaac Delisle Foundation, and with the playground that is soon to be built at our church in memory of Isaac... and I can see that each of these things are part of the garden of beauty that he is creating around the stump of sorrow.

Dress Up Time!

2010-09-29T20:02:00.003-04:00

Just because it's fun... and what else do you have to do on a rainy Wednesday evening??

Bible Giveaway Winner!

2010-09-29T08:00:00.001-04:00

I had this great idea of having Eliana choose the winning name out of a basket. So today, I wrote all of your names on little pieces of index card cut out with my cute scissors and placed them in a basket.

So I sat it in front of her to see what she would do!

Of course, she dumped everyone's names out...

... and decided to eat the basket!

So we turned the basket back over, started to clean up the names, which just ended up getting dumped out again :)

Eventually, Eliana did pull a name, which I couldn't get a picture of her holding, because it went directly into her mouth! So while these are blurry and the paper is both crumpled and chewed on, congratulations to ADELINE!!!!

ADELINE~ Please email me at coolteacher79@yahoo.com so that I can get your contact information to send to Zondervan. Please put "Bible Giveaway Winner" in the subject line so that in the event your email gets sent to my spam folder, I won't delete it.

Thank you to all of you who left a comment with a verse or some words of wisdom. It encouraged me (and I am sure many other readers) greatly this week!

Bible Giveaway!

2010-09-24T08:04:00.006-04:00

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a kind woman from Zondervan publishing offering for me to do a giveaway on my blog!

She sent me a copy of the New Mom's Prayer Bible and it is great. In addition to having a pretty leather cover, it helps moms with the transition into motherhood, whether it is her first child or her fourth. It includes topics like sleep deprivation (a serious struggle for me at the moment!), body image, and priority shifts, and it keeps things simple so she can connect to God, even if she only has one minute.

A more detailed synopsis:

Being a new mom presents many challenges. But one of them doesn’t have to be finding time to connect with God. Throughout this Bible, you will find fifty-two, one-minute Thought-Starters that let you dip into God’s Word for a minute of refreshment. Each of these Thought-Starters is followed by an option for a five-minute prayer or a ten-minute study to help you learn even more about what God’s Word has to say to you today. Devotional thoughts specifically for you, the new mom, are all presented in the most read, most trusted New International Version (NIV) translation.

If you would like to learn more about this awesome Bible, please click here.

Now for the giveaway part!

To enter, please leave a comment below sharing one of your favorite Bible verses that you think would be encouraging to a new mom. If you don't have a specific verse, then feel free to leave a short piece of practical advise. Even if you are not a new mom yourself, I would invite you to enter if there is a new mom in your life that you think would be blessed by a copy of this Bible. Only one comment per person, please. Anonymous comments cannot be counted; so please be sure to sign in with a username, or identify yourself in the anonymous comment.

You have from now, until Tuesday, September 28th at 5pm EST to enter.

The winner will be randomly selected by little miss Eliana, and will be posted on Wednesday, September 29th.

Good luck! And thank you, Zondervan, for your generosity!

It's Coming...

2010-09-15T19:36:00.003-04:00

It had been a hot, hot summer here in Maryland. Confiningly (is that a word?) hot, really. It's pretty difficult to find things to do outside on sunny, 95 degree days with a little baby. Much of my summer was spent in the cool indoors, barring some morning walks or a few short trips to the pool. In fact, here we are mid-September at it was still well over 80 degrees today.

But it's coming. It's right around the corner, ever so slightly making its presence known. It's showing up in cooler mornings, gentle breezes, Sunday football games. It's showing up in Halloween decor, bold colored mums on neighbors' doorsteps.

And while there are many things about fall that bring much joy to the Delisle household, this turning of seasons reminds me that another October 7th is dawning near.

I remember so clearly the distinct change in the weather from the time I entered the hospital to deliver Isaac, and the time I left there empty handed and brokenhearted. It was so distinct, that Spencer and I actually commented on it as I slowly made my way to the car that day. It was as if it had turned to fall in a matter of a few short days... leaves already having started to turn, humidity having made a welcomed exit, and cooler temperatures already settling in.

I've mentioned before how grief is such a sensory experience, and this change in season from summer to fall holds so much emotion for me... both the anticipation and joy of meeting my sweet Isaac; and the unspeakable heartache of losing him. A heart bursting with pride as I held him and told him as many times as I could in the 16 minutes we had with him how much I love him... and a heart weeping with sorrow as I sat by his grave less than a week later.

Lately I have been thinking about him so much, and as I stare in the faces of other kids about his age, it seems unfathomable to me that Isaac would be almost two years old. It feels like forever since I last saw him, kissed his sweet nose, and stroked his fuzzy hair. And yet, time also feels as though it has flown.

Watching the rate at which Eliana's personality is developing and shining through, I can't help but wonder about what Isaac would be like. Would his hair still be strawberry blond? Would he want to root for the Ravens or the Jets this fall, or would he have one of each jersey? Would he make friends with the other little boys about his age who live nearby and play with them out back on the playground? What kind of big brother would he be to Eliana?

As another October 7th starts to draw near, please pray for us. Isaac is heavy on my heart.

Recommendations, please!

2010-09-09T10:36:00.003-04:00

One of the great things about having a blog is getting to hear from YOU all... my readers :)

I would love your recommendations for a few things:

1- Videos geared for 6-12 months old. I am not a huge fan of sitting Eliana in front of the TV, but am looking for a video or two to use with her. Not really sure what those of you with little ones recommend... Baby Einstein? Veggie Tales?

2- I would love recommendations for a good book on Christian parenting... specifically for young children/toddlers. I perused the local Christian bookstore and found a few for down the road, but as far as toddlerhood, I haven't found anything I was crazy about (at least from a quick scan).

3- Any must-have toys for 6-18 month olds? I am looking to start Christmas shopping in the near future :)

Thanks for your ideas!!

6 Months Old!

2010-09-05T07:53:00.006-04:00

My sweet Ellie is one of the littlest "big girls" you'll meet. Last week we took her to the doctor and she weighed about 12 1/2 lbs... yes... at just a few days shy of 6 months old. Believe me when I tell you she is tiny! What's so cute about it is that she is developing right on time, if not early, with so many things. Her two bottom teeth are in, and it seems as though she's working on the top two. She rolls around like crazy, scoots herself backwards, and can sit up on her own (for a short time, at least). She is so happy, has a friendly and outgoing personality, and is an absolute joy to be around. Time is flying... I can't believe she is already half way to turning 1!!!

Golf Tournament Pictures

2010-09-03T08:00:00.001-04:00

As promised.... finally!

This year's tournament was great. While it was a little smaller than last year, over 80 players still came out for a great day of golf. The weather, although hot, was gorgeous and everyone seemed to have a really great time. Even though we would much, much rather have Isaac here in our arms, we are honored to have a platform form which to share the love, significance, and hope that is found in Jesus Christ.

Hope you enjoy a recap of the day in pictures...

Our tournament banner hung at Worthington Manor

Some of our awesome volunteers ready for golfers to check in!

Eliana taking it all in, wearing her tournament logoed onesie

Golfers getting ready

Out on the course...

Centerpieces

Prizes and awards

Looking forward to what God is going to do in and through the Isaac Delisle Foundation as we seek to walk alongside other families who have lost a child or whose baby has been given a poor or fatal prenatal diagnosis. While we aren't completely sure of all of the ways that may flesh out, we are confident that God will use the Foundation and are grateful to be able to extend the comfort and hope of Jesus to others.

Please Vote!

2010-09-01T11:02:00.002-04:00

I promise... golf tournament pictures are coming. I am still downloading several that one of our friends loaded to Facebook, and will have them up soon. :)

Speaking of Facebook, Crissie Traugott, the very awesome and talented photographer who did our newborn pictures with Eliana, is running a contest on her business Facebook page. And of course, I entered us :)

The contest is for a mini holiday session that includes getting pictures taken, rights to some of the digital images, and some holiday photocards! Could you please vote and help us win? We would love to have some updated pictures taken with Eliana!

To vote, please visit Crissie's Facebook site and "like" her page.

Then, please leave a comment on our photo! Simply "liking" the photo won't count.

Thanks for helping us win! And feel free to pass this along to anyone!!

Transitions

2010-08-22T19:41:00.003-04:00

I promise a recap of the 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament in the next week or so. I am still going through photos, and waiting on some from one of our photographers. In short, it was awesome. Great weather, golfers had a blast, and it was just an all around great day.

Some big transitions happening here in the Delisle house. Eliana is doing a great job with solids! She seems to love baby oatmeal the best so far.She seemed so-so about rice cereal, and wasn't too sure about sweet potatoes yesterday or today :) We're going to give avocado a shot this week and see how she does!

Tomorrow is a big day around here: my return to work. I truly appreciate the encouraging words that so many of you sent my way over the last few weeks. While I know that there is no one "right" way as far as the work thing is concerned, my desire is to not work full time so that I can be home more with Eliana... and I feel as though I had that opportunity presented to me but was just to scared to take it. I was plagued by "What if's?" and for whatever reason was just scared. Regardless, this year is what it is now, and I know that God's grace is big enough to work even if the decision that was made wasn't the "right" one. I know that God is big enough to still work, and I pray that he does.

I would appreciate your prayers for our family during this transition. From the practical aspects of Eliana sleeping well, my being able to manage getting us both out the door in the morning (hopefully without forgetting anything!), managing both a job and a home. Please pray for my heart as I am away from Ellie during the day; I have a hunch that it is going to end up a lot harder on me than her. She does great being with just about anyody and is such a sweet, happy girl. Please pray for my energy level, for our marriage, and for God to continue to protect and bless our family during this next chapter.

Tonight I was reading the book "No Matter What" to Eliana before she went to bed. For those of you who have read it to your kids, you can only imagine the amount of tears (mine... not Ellie's) that followed upon finishing it... only a small preview, I am sure, when I drop her off tomorrow.

Lastly, please be praying that God would already be starting to prepare an opportunity for me to work part time or from home next year, that He would begin to show me what He has for us in that regard, and that He would instill in Spencer and I an extra measure of courage, trust, and discernment.

I can't promise to update after tomorrow... but hopefully by the end of the week. Thank you for praying :)

Day of Hope

2010-08-19T16:52:00.002-04:00

A Big Week

2010-08-16T10:07:00.002-04:00

This week is a big one for many reasons. For starters, it is our last official week of summer before school resumes next Monday... for teachers, at least. I am sure it goes without saying that this fact is hitting me incredibly hard. The Kleenex box that I managed to empty last night can serve as concrete evidence for that. :) We would appreciate your continued prayers as we approach this transition.

Secondly, this Friday is the 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament! We are excited for what God is going to do that day, and are grateful for the opportunity to share about the Isaac Delisle Foundation and its mission to serve bereaved families. We would love for you to join us in praying for this event... for good weather, for all of the little details to come together, and for God to touch people's hearts through Isaac's story.

I look forward to being able to share that day with you all next weekend!

The Missing

2010-08-12T19:31:00.004-04:00

It never gets easier... the missing, that is. While it changes and takes on different forms, it's still always there.

The 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament is about a week away. Last night our UPS man delivered two dozen logoed golf balls for the tournament. As Spencer and I opened them up and looked, we were both once again struck by how awful it is to see your son's name as part of a memorial golf tournament. Please don't misunderstand... I am so grateful for the opportunity to do it; to have a platform from which to share about Isaac, that value of life, and the character of Christ; and to be able to raise funds for organizations that support bereaved parents and provide them with lasting memories of the precious children they've lost.

But I would much rather see my son's name in lights. To read it in the sports page of the newspaper. To have it listed on his school's honor roll page. To hear it over the loudspeaker as the starting lineup is called.

The whole concept of time has become such a paradox to me. How almost two years have seemingly flown by; and yet the last time I saw my sweet Isaac, cuddled him close, and kissed his little face feels like so long ago.

One of my favorite Psalms says this: Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

This verse taught me so much during my time with Isaac in the womb... knowing that each of those days I had him safely snuggled in my belly was precious... that it mattered... that it counted.

And so the missing remains... I know it always will. Whether it shows up in a conversation with a stranger when the see Ellie (Is this your first? No, she's our second. Oh! How old is our first? Well, our son, Isaac, would be almost two years old, but he unfortunately passed away shortly after he was born. Oh... I am so sorry.), a visit to the cemetery, a family picture that is incomplete, or catching Eliana taking a peek at her brother's picture on the wall... it's always there. I know to expect it, but it doesn't erase the fact that it lingers. And we do our best to acknowledge it, to manage it, and to allow God to use it to keep our hearts tender towards others and postured towards Him.

A Whole New World!

2010-08-11T08:54:00.003-04:00

Eliana has entered a whole new world this morning: the world of solids! Although, I have to admit, a first feeding of baby oatmeal looks anything but solid :)

I have also been trying my hand at making my own baby food for Ellie as well. So far, we have a stash of pureed sweet potatoes, avocado, butternut squash, and pears in the freezer. I am hoping to give green beans and peaches a shot later this week.

The single food purees don't seem to be too hard; but I would love for those of you who have made your own baby food to share a favorite recipe with me! Or, if you have any favorite websites or books about making baby foods, I would love to know about those as well!

Baby Ethan Update

2010-08-09T07:59:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for praying for baby Ethan and his family. Ethan was born at 12:03 on August 6th. He lived for 7 minutes, and then Jesus welcomed him home.

My heart breaks as I write that, because I know for this sweet momma, it wasn't enough time. In her most recent email to me, this mommy shared the following:

Even though it feels like I will never be whole again, I wouldn't trade that day for anything in the world.

I know that statement resonates so much with me, and I am sure it does for any parent who has lost a child. God is so faithful in picking up the pieces when your heart and world seem shattered; and yet, the missing remains.

She also sent me pictures of Ethan, and let me tell you that he is nothing short of breathtaking. A perfect little nose, sweet, delicate features, and even some hair!

Today, they will be discharged from the hospital and will return home... a transition that in and of itself is another reminder of what was lost. After all, most people don't leave the maternity ward empty handed.

Please pray for them as they leave today and return home. Please pray that their friends and family would be the hands and feet of Jesus to them.... helping to meet practical needs, just sitting with them in their grief, and lending listening ears. Please pray for God's peace to fill in their places of brokenness. Please pray as they prepare arrangements for Ethan's funeral. And, please pray for them as everyone else's life seems to get back to "business as usual" while their world is still shattered.

Finally, I know this sweet mom read all of your comments in my last post about Ethan. I would encourage you to leave your comments and prayers for them below, as I know your words will be a source of comfort for them.

5 months!

2010-08-08T08:34:00.006-04:00

Guess who turned 5 months old on August 4th?!

And guess who is currently cutting two teeth at once?!?!

Thank goodness for her little friend Sophie the giraffe...

Teething would not be going nearly as well without her!

Eliana is an incredible blessing... she is fun and full of personality. She smiles, laughs, and babbles so much. She's curious, loves to play different versions of peek-a-boo, and enjoys being sung to. It is such an honor to be here mommy!

Today

2010-08-06T08:44:00.003-04:00

About two weeks ago, I received an email from a mommy who is pregnant with her first child... a baby boy named Ethan. When I saw the subject line in my inbox, my heart sank: Two weeks left.

I didn't have to even open the message itself to know what I was about to read. This mommy shared how her son had been diagnosed with limb-body wall complex, and was not expected to live. She happened upon my blog when doing a google search. If you've been reading for a while, you may recall that limb-body wall complex was discussed as a possible diagnosis for Isaac (though he didn't, in fact, end up being given this diagnosis).

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, we have emailed several times, discussing things no parent ever should...

What was it like the night before you went to deliver Isaac?

How did you get through handing Isaac back over to the nurse and saying goodbye?

What should we include in Ethan's funeral service?

How did you go about picking out a casket and cemetery plot?

Yesterday I received an email from her, and in it she shared, "There isn't enough time in the world that would really be enough; but it's up now."

My heart just broke... for her, for me, and for every parent who has and will walk this road. As I read this woman's words, I remember so clearly writing similar emails myself... desperate for someone to help me navigate these uncharted waters, and feeling though I just wanted more time with my son.

Today, August 6th, will be Ethan's birthday.

I would love for you to join me in praying for this sweet mommy and her husband, for their extended family, and for Ethan. Please pray boldly for a miracle; please pray for joy as they get to meet their beautiful son face to face; please pray for peace, grace, and comfort as they will likely have to say goodbye. I am thankful that she is a woman of God, and knows that goodbye on this side of Heaven is only temporary; but the pain of losing her son is incredibly real. Thank you for joining me in praying for her.

A Lot on My Mind

2010-08-04T10:37:00.005-04:00

We've recently returned back from 2 weeks away at the beach visiting various members of our family. Having taken well over 100 pictures, I am sure you can imagine that it is taking me a while to get them uploaded, go through them, and find the ones I love enough to consider "blog worthy." I'll post some soon... I promise.

This summer, I have had a lot on my mind... a lot that I find difficult to share on here, which I am sure accounts for the fact I haven't been blogging as regularly. I don't know if it is out of desire to protect those I love, the fear of judgement or just what. But I wanted to share some of the latest and greatest... well, I don't know that it's great... but the latest, anyway, of what's been happening.

If you remember back in May, there were all sorts of issues that arose with my maternity leave, FMLA guidelines, and securing my position at my school. I ended up going back to work for three weeks in June. In some ways, it was incredibly difficult; in other ways, the time flew because I was able to tell myself just three more weeks... just two more weeks... and so on.

Spencer and I had talked at length for a while about the financial implications of me not working, or of me working part time. We felt as though these weren't really an option at this time. While disappointed, I knew that many moms work full time... many moms I know how are really great moms. I have had a hard time shaking, though, the commonly held belief in Christian circles that women with young children shouldn't work outside the home. And to be honest, my deepest desire is, in fact, to be able to stay home with Eliana.

Several weeks ago, we were told that part of our childcare for next year fell through. While my deep desire was to be home with Ellie, and financially it didn't seem possible, I had gotten to a place where I was at peace with going back to work because of who would be watching her. When this feel through, however, it became a whole new story.

Spencer and I visited several day care centers and in home childcare providers trying to find something else that could work. Needless to say, trying to find childcare for an infant with only 7-8 weeks notice in incredibly difficult. Most of the centers we visited made me cry... I just couldn't imagine Ellie there. The in home providers we visited seemed to be managing the chaos of watching several children under the age of three or four... and I wondered where Ellie would fit into all of that. In the end, another great friend, who is soon expecting her first baby, has offered to fill in the gap that was left when our original plan for child care fell through.

While the child care search was happening, we also revisited the options of me not working, or going back to work part time. I inquired about extending my childcare leave, but that didn't really go over too well with the leave office in the county in which I teach. They suggested resignation. I then started looking at part time positions, interviewed for one, and was offered the job. In addition, a wonderful couple from our church offered me a position with the husband's company to work from home with a flexible schedule that could fit around the part time teaching job I was offered.

Seems like a no brainer, right?

This was all a very difficult process for me. One that was happening so quickly. We sought the counsel of good friends, one of our Pastors, and one of the elders in our church and his wife. However, I didn't feel like I had the time to really prayerfully consider various options, to evaluate each situation, and to come to a place where I really sensed God's peace. I didn't feel like I had enough time because of our school system's deadlines for making these sorts of decisions over the summer. When I was offered the part time teaching position, Spencer encouraged me to take it. For whatever reason, all of it just didn't sit well with me. I did a little research, and found out a few things that made me hesitant,like the fact that the size of the position (how many hours per week) can change from year to year, how these particular positions are likely to be eliminated because of ongoing cuts to our school system's budget, and how working less than 1/2 time (which this was) in our system leaves you in a precarious state as to whether or not you'll even have a job at all the following year. I expressed all of these concerns to Spencer (as much as I could in a brief phone call during his lunch break), and he was very understanding.

So I declined the part time options. And now that August is here and I go back to work in just over two weeks, my heart is full of regret.

That's a terrible place to be... in one of regret. There's a part of me that feels as though I have not only failed my husband and my daughter, but also God. I feel as though I listened to the voice of fear, rather than trusting His provision. At the same time, I had, and continue to have, such a hard time recognizing what God's provision in this was... the ability to work part time and from home? The provision of another wonderful, Christian friend to care for Eliana? I felt as though there was a right and a wrong choice, and I felt so much pressure to make the right one... and now I sit here feeling as though I have made the wrong one. In some ways, I feel as though I have chosen a job over my daughter, and to be honest, that pains my heart more than you could know. I sit there and think to myself, "Stacy, you have already lost your son... and now this? Now you are choosing to go back to work instead of staying home with Ellie?" At the same time, many people have encouraged me that going back to work doesn't mean that I haven't chosen her... that they are two separate things. Yet, I already miss Ellie when she's just here napping; and the thought of leaving her each day is really hitting me hard.

Spencer has been incredibly encouraging and reassuring, reminding me of a few truths that I know he hopes will help encourage my heart...

- that God is not a God of confusion, and that if I wasn't at peace with going to work at this new school part time, then it may not have been a good choice
- that we're to bloom where we are planted until God clearly moves us
- the my going back to work full time this year is just for this year to allow me the time to go through the proper channels to either then go on child care leave or have a great number options of part time positions from which to choose for the following year.

While I find the last point helpful... when it comes to the first two, I feel like I missed it. I feel as though God was trying to make this new direction clear, and out of fear, I kept looking for reasons why it wouldn't work. I can't quite put my finger on what that fear was... fear of a new position, fear of letting my current Principal down, fear of making ends meet financially... I don't know. Regardless, I feel like I let fear get the better of me.

I am not sure if this explanation has even made sense... I hope it has, even though I have left some parts pretty vague.

I would really appreciate your prayers about this... prayers for God to heal those places in my heart that are full of regret, for His forgiveness in my letting fear get the better of me. I am sure that as the school year draws closer, there will be a lot more that I appreciate your prayers for...but for now it's my hurting heart that could really use it.

Because of the sensitivity of this topic, and truthfully my inability to handle any criticism of this decision right now, I have disabled comments. However, if there is something you would really like to share as an encouragement, you are more than welcome to email me. My email can be found on the right sidebar of this page.

Thank you for praying and for walking with me through this next challenge.

And, happy 5 month birthday Eliana! Mommy loves you more than you know...

The Two of Them

2010-07-19T12:21:00.002-04:00

Updated Eliana Pictures

2010-07-17T12:00:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to post some recent pictures of our little Ellie! Here she is with Spencer in the baby bjorn. She finally likes it, now that she can face out and see what's going on!

I don't know what it is about this picture I love so much... if it's her brignt eyes, her little expression, or just what. She cracks me up :)

Went for an early evening walk and Eliana managed to stay awake! Usually she finds walks so soothing she misses out on seeing everything. This time, though, she got to enjoy it!

Four months old!! She's growing!

Loving the Bumbo!

4th of July!

How's the Grief?

2010-07-13T12:55:00.000-04:00

I've been asked this question, How's the grief?, a handful of times since Eliana has been born. Most of those who have asked are mothers who have lost a child themselves, and are keen enough to know that having a new baby at home doesn't erase the grief of missing the child you've lost.

So, how is the grief?

It's different. My arms no longer ache with emptiness since Eliana is now here for me to snuggle... and she loves to snuggle! My longing to raise a child has been met through Eliana's presence, even though my longing to raise Isaac will forever be unfulfilled. With that, comes a new dimension of grief. Prior to Eliana's sweet arrival, I understood only in theory what I was missing out on with Isaac not here; now, I understand its reality.

Like any mother of two, there are days when I feel torn about loving both of my children well... and the fact that Isaac isn't here, makes that even more unique. It's things like trying to balance reading up on a plan for starting solids with Eliana, while finding time to maintain this blog; or, balancing running to Target for diapers and wipes with time to spend at the cemetery; and even something like finding time to both play with Ellie and work on this year's golf tournament. There's a part of me that feels guilty for not having the same amount of time to pour into things having to do with Isaac as I once did; and yet I wouldn't trade Eliana's presence here and my time with her for anything.

So the grief is different, yet I know that in some ways it is still the same. The missing is there. It still stings when we go out to eat and the hostess asks us, "Just three?" Yes... I think... JUST three. And I know that as another October 7th rolls around, the weight of Isaac not being here will settle in again; it's almost as if I have come to learn to expect the ebbs and flows of it all much better now.

I am grateful to know that even though I sometimes feel like a mess trying to balance it all... laughing one minute with Eliana as she giggles, then tearing up the next as I flip through Isaac's photo album and tell her about her big brother... that God meets me in that. He honors the struggle in balancing great joy with great sorrow, and provides the grace in order to walk that fine line well.

Stay tuned in the next few days... I have lots of recent pictures of my precious little Ellie to upload :)

Summertime!!

2010-06-20T19:35:00.012-04:00

I apologize for the silence on my blog for the past few weeks. You may have noticed that those weeks coincided with returning to work, and truthfully, I was just exhausted.... and wanted to spend the time I was awake with my sweet little Ellie.

So to catch you up on the last few weeks...

Returning to work was difficult, and I think more so for me than for Eliana. Thankfully, my mom and a couple of our friends helped us out and took care of her. It was great having my mom here to watch her where Ellie could stay at home in her regular routine and be with her Mom-Mom. It was also good for her to be at a few of my friends' houses and interacting with different people and other children. It gave me a chance to think through some logistics of when I return to work full time in the fall, as well as the opportunity to figure out a routine that would work for Ellie's pattern... which of course will probably be completely different come late August!

Eliana is doing great. I can't believe that she will already be 4 months on July 4th! She has such a sweet personality, smiles all the time, and is babbling up a storm! She loves her Bumbo seat, and is actually enjoying tummy time these days. She has figured out that when she pushes the bird or the monkey on her bouncy seat that music plays and the waterfall lights up. It's been really neat to watch her figure out that cause and effect relationship and to intentionally start hitting the animals. She's been reaching and grasping a lot more as well, has become more intentional with her hands. She stares at her hands a lot, too, which is pretty funny. And even though she's petite (maybe 10 1/2 lbs?) and just got into her 0-3 month clothes, she loves to stand up and put weight in her legs. Her hair is still crazy as every, and her eyes still a beautiful deep blue. While she hasn't yet cut any teeth, she is definitely teething... and drooling like a champ!! I just love her to pieces.

Plans for Isaac's Golf Tournament are underway, and we are so excited. Part of our excitement is that last week we received notice from the IRS that the Isaac Delisle Foundation was granted 501(c)3 status. We are thankful for this, and are eager to see what God will do both in and through the foundation...and are grateful to honor both the Lord and our sweet Isaac through this ministry.

I have much more that I would like to share, but for now wanted to post a brief update, and of course, a few pictures...

Ellie with Grandpa (Spencer's dad) when he and Betsy came to visit

Snoozing in her swing

I think her facial expression is so funny! She wasn't even upset here, just not in the mood to smile I guess. I love how blue her eyes are...

Crazy hair!

Dancing with Daddy!

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

2010-05-28T08:00:00.001-04:00

As I have been at home with Eliana this last week before returning to work, I have had the chance to just sit and marvel at some of my favorite things about her.

I love how she makes all sorts of little facial expressions and "sings" in her sleep.

I love it that when she wakes up in the morning she makes little grunts to get my attention.

I love how when I go to get her out of her bassinet in the morning and sing "Good Morning
Beautiful" to her, her big blue eyes light up and she smiles.

I love how when she finishes nursing she lays there half zonked out and smiles with full contentment.

I love how she became really excited the first time we showed her the mobile we bought for her crib.

I love how she is so intrigued by the back of Jacques the Peacock's feathers.

I love how she's such a snuggler... especially after she eats in the middle of the night.

I love how when she snuggles, she wiggles around until she finds the perfect spot.

I love how she is so good about letting me give her Zantac three times a day and never fusses about it.

I love how when she wakes up from a nap she extends her arms like Superman, arches her back, purses her lips, and does the biggest stretch. She is a GREAT stretcher!

I love how when she seems confused about something, she raises her hand while extending one finger (as if to flag down a server in a restaurant). So cute.

I love how she tries to talk to me with her little sounds.

I love how she gets excited when we sing "Them Bones" along with her Baby Einstein CD.

I love how she is so curious... you can watch her eyes wander and almost see the little wheels in her mind turning.

I love how she laughs at all the little quirky made up songs we sing her.

I love that the hair on the top of her head sticks straight up, regardless of how much we brush it.
I love how she tracks along with the books Spencer reads her at bedtime.

There are so many more... but I have loved just getting to know her and having the chance to be with her. Heading back to work on Tuesday will definitely be hard; but thankfully it's just for a few weeks until I get to be with her for a while this summer. And hey... maybe we'll win the lottery and I can be home with her for good ;-) I would really covet your prayers for all three of us during this transition.

Pomp and Circumstance

2010-05-27T13:13:00.007-04:00

This post is all about my amazing husband, and a huge accomplishment for him over the past three years. I am amazed and the strength and integrity with which God equipped him to balance all that he has had on his plate. I am so proud of him!!

In the fall of 2007, Spencer began his Master's degree in Educational Leadership. His program was set up as a partnership between our school district and a local university, and consisted of about thirteen teachers aspiring to become school administrators. Little did Spencer know how much life he'd live over the next three years as he embarked on his journey.

Just as Spencer began his program on top of teaching full time, we found out I was pregnant for the first time. Ironically, it was Labor Day that we learned the good news :) Three months later, we found ourselves sitting in an exam room hearing the sonographer whisper, "I am so sorry... but I can't find a heartbeat." As she held back her tears, mine came pouring forth.

Five months into his program, Spencer and I again learned that I was expecting... again to sit in an exam room three months later to hear the words every parent dreads: "I am sorry, but there are some serious concerns about your baby's development. I'll need to go get the doctor." Spencer wasn't supposed to be at that ultrasound that day; I had just asked for one for some added reassurance, as I felt like something just wasn't right with my pregnancy. He came anyway, and I am so thankful he did... because the day that unfolded included a CVS test and a meeting with a genetic counselor at which we were told that our sweet Isaac had complications that, barring a miracle, were incompatible with life.

And so began the journey with our sweet son... the journey through which God has so faithfully carried us. All the while, Spencer was left to balance a full time job, a part-time graduate program, and a wife who was pregnant with a baby that we had been told was going to die. Looking back, I am continually amazed at the grace of God and how He sustained Spencer through such a difficult season for both of us.

In the second year of his program, Spencer endured the birth, and death of his son... our sweet Isaac. He somehow managed to still go to work, complete his papers for his program, and take care of me. While he and I grieved very differently, we both grieved and continue to grieve... and we both were left to pick up the pieces of dreams for our son that had been shattered. Spencer did it with so much courage and strength. He pressed on because he had to; but he did it with excellence because he cared to, and because God was faithful in giving him the strength to do so.

During this last year of his program, Spencer still had classes to attend; but he also had a 280 hour internship to complete. To say it was time consuming would be an understatement. Thankfully, he was able to get a lot of his work out of the way so that he was able to fully experience the joy of welcoming Eliana to our family this past March.

This past weekend, Spencer graduated with his Master's and received his diploma... and he did it with a 4.0. I am amazed at the strength, the perseverance, and the quality of character with which the Lord has equipped him. I am so proud of him, and am so proud to be his wife.

Enjoy a few pictures from this wonderful day...

The cohort members, glad to be finished!!

Out to celebrate Maryland style... steamed crabs!!

Life in Pictures

2010-05-20T09:27:00.008-04:00

We've had a busy few weeks here in our house. Between going out of town for Mother's Day weekend, Eliana's baby dedication the following weekend, and Spencer graduating with his Master's this weekend... well, I've been work out :) So to catch you up on what's been happening, here are a few pictures!

Mother's Day at my mom's house on the eastern shore of Maryland... love the view from her back porch!

Me, Eliana, and my Mom!!

Eliana's baby dedication at church. She slept through the whole thing!

A few pictures back home afterwards...

For my birthday back in March, Spencer had gotten me tickets to see Sugarland in concert! So that same evening, some good friends came and took care of Eliana, while we got to go out for a really fun date night. Our seats were GREAT!!

And finally, the many faces of Eliana. Just a few pictures of our sweet Ellie while she and I were hanging out at home yesterday. I can't believe she is 11 weeks old already!!

(Happy?) Mother's Day

2010-05-08T07:33:00.000-04:00

For the past couple of years, Mother's Day has been difficult for me. Last year, I remember all of the moms in church being asked to stand. And I did... knees trembling and tears streaming down my face, as the only physical evidence of my motherhood existed in the six inch scar left from my c-section, and not in the face of a sweet little boy named Isaac. But I was still a mother, and I was proud to stand that day because doing so dignified my son.

I remember the Mother's Day before that... Just six months after losing our first baby to a miscarriage at 13 weeks, and already pregnant with Isaac, who were told was not going to live. And even then, I was already a mother.

This year, the joy of having little Ellie here and celebrating Mother's Day like any other mom fills my heart abundantly... but it still collides with the heartache of missing my son. My precious daughter will grace me with her big blue eyes and adorable smile...and I am so grateful for that. But I still long for my strawberry blond haired little boy who would be 19 months now, and no doubt would be "helping" his daddy make me a yummy breakfast in bed.

If you've been there, you know. You know that it is all of your children who define your motherhood; and that's where the joy and sadness collide.

While for many, this Mother's Day is a day of great celebration... Celebrating your mother, other mother figures in your life, and perhaps your own motherhood. For others, today is a day of missing... Missing your own mom, or missing your little ones who make you a mom.

I would encourage you to not only celebrate Mother's Day in the way you typically would, but to reach out to someone you know who may be hurting... Someone whose loss may be intensified. In a recent blog post, Molly Piper calls it "brokenhearted love." I encourage you to read what she has to say, and then extend that kind of love to someone you know. I know it will mean the world to them.

My How You've Grown

2010-05-04T12:56:00.003-04:00

...in only two short months!!

Here's Eliana on her birthday...

At one month old...

And today at two months old...

She's still smiling like crazy...

And has been introduced to her Bumbo seat!

Looking forward to month 3 and all the joy that she will continue to bring! :)

Love Languages

2010-05-03T15:31:00.006-04:00

QUICK UPDATE-- I didn't realize that I hadn't yet updated here about my job. I head back to eork one June 1. Whild I am disappointed to not have the uninterrupted 6 months at home that I thought I would, my return will only be through June 17. Going back allows me to not only return to the same school, but it seems like I would have been out of a position entirely had the request for me to return early not be granted. So I am thankful that since I have to work, that God allowed things to get resolved the way they did. Thanks for praying about that. Back to the original post...

If you haven't already read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, I highly recommend it. The premise essentially is this: people tend to have a primary love language; in other words, they feel the most loved when cared for in a particular way, and tend to care for others in a particular way as well. The five love languages include physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation. The point is that it is important to not only identify your own love language, but also that of your spouse and other important people in your life so that you can "fill their love tank."

Spencer and I dialogue a lot about this concept, mostly in an effort to continue to care for each other the best that we can. Our love languages don't match (often, spouses' don't), and so it's important to regularly check in to make sure we are loving each other well. It's also been interesting to see how, throughout our marriage, the ways in which both of us feel most loved have changed.

Most recently, my primary love language seems to be acts of service, but words of affirmation are starting to become quite a close second. And what's interesting about it, is that the affirmation doesn't need to be of me; it actually means more to mean when those words are about my son.

This past Sunday at church, Spencer and I noticed a few different folks wearing the golf shirt from last year's Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament. That alone is enough to make my heart swell. One of the men, came over to Spencer, Ellie, and I and struck up a conversation about this year's tournament. He talked about how great last year's tournament was, and said he was looking forward to playing again in August. As the conversation ended, he affirmed Isaac in a way that caused me to fight back major tears...

He's one very special little boy.

I've discovered that as much as I feel loved when Spencer helps with the dishes or vacuums the stairs, my heart feels so full when Isaac is affirmed... or even mentioned.

This gentleman also went on to comment about how cute and sweet Eliana is, which also makes my heart swell with such joy.

And with that, a few updated pictures of our sweet little girl, who will already be two months old tomorrow!!

The Rainbow Connection

2010-04-23T11:00:00.001-04:00

Whenever I hear the phrase " the rainbow connection," I think immediately of Kermit the Frog and my Muppets record from when I was little. Years later, that phrase carries a whole new meaning.

In the world of baby loss, your rainbow baby is the child you have after the one you've lost. That gives Isaac an interesting place... Both a rainbow baby after the baby I miscarried when I was 13 weeks pregnant, and yet still the son I've lost, and so deeply still long for. If you've been reading a while, you may remember that rainbows were a particularly special thing during my pregnancy with Isaac. I saw so many of them, and each time I would tell Isaac all about it... the colors, how it arched across the sky...All the while being personally reminded of God's faithfulness and commitment to His promises.

Eliana is truly my rainbow baby. Our little "God has answered" fills our lives with so much joy and is such an answer to our prayers. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my friend, Carly, and her rainbow baby Finn,and my friend Susi and her rainbow baby Max. We have this sort of, rainbow connection.

The three of us met at an infant loss support group quite a while ago, and have walked together down the twisting, turning, and often unpredictable road of grief. And because of His goodness, God is allowing us to share in each other's joy through the birth of our sons' siblings.

We were thankfully able to gather a few shots yesterday of Max, Eliana, and Finn. And while each picture is almost identical, various babies were in different stages of falling over in each one, which I think is just funny and pretty darn cute :)

And this morning, my precious daughter not only allowed me to get a bow clipped in her hair, but gave me one of the most beautiful smiles...

Held

2010-04-19T12:39:00.009-04:00

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

These lyrics by Natalie Grant have spoken volumes to my heart during my pregnancy with Isaac and in the months since,. They speak truth on so many levels.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of holding. I am sure this comes as no surprise, being the mother of a 6 1/2 week old. After feeding Eliana, Spencer or I hold her upright for a bit to help her tummy settle so that she doesn't spit up as much. I have come to love that time in the middle of the night; while tired, I love sitting up in bed, holding her close, listening to her breathe, and just taking her in. Ellie is just so cuddly and snuggly. She loves to be held.

This past week I received an email from a friend... another mom who knows what the pain of losing your child is like. She lost twin boys who would have turned 2 this past March. In addition to the beautiful little girl she had before her twin boys, she has since had another beautiful baby girl after them. She of course asks about Eliana; but in her email, she asked me something I have truthfully failed to ask myself recently.

How's the grief?

I was so thankful she asked, and at first I wasn't sure how to answer. I have been so preoccupied caring for Eliana, holding things together at home, trying to figure out my job situation... I hadn't really slowed down enough to really think about it, or to really let it in.

Her email caused me to reflect. As I did, it occurred to me that the grief has been intensifying. Perhaps it's because it was around this time two years ago that we were floored with Isaac's prognosis when I was only 12 weeks pregnant; hearing the words, "There's only a very slim chance that your baby will live" is absolutely numbing. Or, perhaps it's the fact that I am now walking through all of the things that I have missed out on with Isaac. It's no longer theoretical. I thought about what a gift it is to be able to hold Eliana whenever I want. She's here... and at any time I can pick her up, snuggle her, and love on her. It seems obvious, I know. And as glaringly obvious as that is, it is also equally as obvious to me that I don't have a toddler here to snuggle, too.

As I was holding Ellie while she slept this morning, my thoughts turned back to October 7, 2008. I remember sitting in my hospital bed, feeling my time with Isaac ticking away. I remember holding his body, even though he had already gone to be with Jesus, and feeling like I just didn't have enough time. And I remember so clearly the last time I held him... the last time I kissed his little face, the physical pain my chest as Spencer and I handed him to the nurse, and the sob that came out of me when the nurse walked out of our room. It was the most painful experience of my life... knowing I would never get to hold my son again.

And so the tears came, like they do; and in the midst of them I am just grateful for the chance to hold my daughter... and for a faithful Father who is not only holding me in my tears, but who is also safely holding my son.

What a beautiful thing... to be held.

Life As We Know It

2010-04-12T16:26:00.007-04:00

It has been way too long since any update of substance. I am so sorry! Somehow my days feel like they're flying by...living life in three hour cycles is quite a change of pace for me.

So, some long overdue updates, and just some other things that have been on my mind. Buckle up... this is sure to be all over the place.

Job update-- My job is still up in the air. The ball is rolling, and our request for me to amend my leave and return to work on June 1 in order to keep my position at my current school goes before a review committee this Friday. I don't want to have to go back in June, but I am willing to in order to not have to transfer to a school that could potentially be over 90 minutes away. Please pray that the request is approved and my position will be secure.

Eliana update-- She is doing great! Her 1 month checkup went very well last Friday. She's up to 8 lbs and is 21 inches long. Her newborn clothes are getting a bit snug, but she is swimming in the 0-3 month things! She also started on Zantac for her mild reflux, and it seems to be helping her a lot. She still has a strong sensitivity to any dairy in my diet, so when I end up consuming some accidentally, it makes for a rough day for her. She is becoming much more alert during the day, and has even started to smile! Here's a picture of our litle sweetie on last night's walk... the first one for which she actually stayed awake!

Spencer update-- His grad school program is coming to a close, thankfully, and he graduates in May!! This year has been pretty grueling for him, and I know we're both ready for him to be finished.

Isaac's Playground update-- Our church building is set to be complete this summer, and from what I am hearing, there's a good chance the playground will be finished right along with it. I am so excited... excited for our new church building, excited that the playground will be built, excited to see little kids playing on it, and so amazed at God's provision through the generosity of so many people to make this happen. I feel really fortunate to be able to honor Isaac in such a neat way.

Isaac's Golf Tournament update-- The 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament is scheduled for Friday, August 20, 2010 at Worthington Manor Golf Club in Urbana, MD. If you're interested in playing, becoming a hole sponsor, donating a prize, or being involved in some other way, please feel free to check out the tournament website, or email us at isaacsgolftournament@yahoo.com

And on a random note, in the past two weeks, I have met two other little girls named Eliana. Neither of them spell it the same way, but I was shocked to meet other girls with that name! Both of them are under a year old, so maybe the name Eliana is on the rise? I had never heard of it before a kind blog reader left the name suggestion in a comment..now I am bumping in to Elianas everywhere!

Lots of thoughts still being mulled over about the transition of being a mom to a child who has died to a mom whose child is living, how the Lord stretches and prunes you through the gift of motherhood... they're just not coherent thoughts yet :)

So now, I'll open it up to you. Anything you've been wondering or want to know about?

Easter/ 1 Month Old!

2010-04-05T11:12:00.003-04:00

Pictures, as promised... Enjoy!

One month old!

The obligatory cousin picture

Spencer, Eliana, and me!

As If It Were The First Time

2010-04-05T08:39:00.003-04:00

I promise to have some one month pictures and Easter pictures up shortly... coincidentally, they will likely be the same pictures since Eliana turned one month old yesterday! We hope that you and your family had a blessed Easter, and were reminded afresh of the hope that is found in three simple words: He is risen.

Yesterday was a great day for our family. We made it to church, and through half of the service before Eliana decided that it was time to go. Spent a beautiful afternoon at my Dad's with much of my extended family. Ellie took a great nap, and was generally in a happy mood! Even though she is too young to understand what Easter is all about, or to participate in any Easter traditions, it was still special to be able to celebrate her first holiday. I am incredibly thankful that God allowed it to be a sweet day for our family.

Today, though, my heart is heavy... heavy with the missing. I've spoken countless times about the bittersweet aspects of holidays and milestones, and today is no exception. You see, while for Spencer and I, Isaac's place in our family is firmly established, it often feels as though our home is the only place where it is.

Over the past few weeks, I've heard people say to my stepbrothers, "You're an uncle now!"... as if it were the first time. I know that when those words are spoken, they are done so in excitement and love; but in those moments, I want so badly to cry out... "Now? But he already was." I know that the fact that Eliana is here and is tangible makes someone's uncle-hood, aunt-hood, or whatever else feel that much more real; but the truth is, Isaac had already established those titles. Eliana adds to them. It's difficult to be a parent of two children, but having people respond to us as if it were the first time. It's difficult thing to articulate... but if you've been there, I know you know what I mean.

Stay tuned for Easter pictures... hope to have them up later today!

4 weeks!

2010-04-01T19:40:00.004-04:00

Eliana is 4 weeks old today! I can't believe she'll be celebrating her 1 month birthday on Easter!

Just a quick post giving you a glimpse at our little Eliana with her friend, Madelyn, who turned 4 months old today...

They both have so much hair!! I love it!

A Few of the Latest Developments

2010-03-27T13:26:00.005-04:00

Just as fair warning, the post below is not intended to spark a debate about being a working mother. If there was any feasible way for me to stay home and not work, I would; however it is not in any way possible for us to be able to swing that financially. The spirit of the post is to simply update folks about how we're doing, what's new with us and Eliana, and to ask for your prayerful support as we seek to resolve my work situation described below. Thanks :)

It's been much longer than I would have liked since I last updated. A lot has been going on in the Delisle house. Much of it is incredibly joyful; some of it is not.

Last Sunday, we headed to the cemetery for the first time in a while. Between the blizzards we had (and yes, we did go to the cemetery, shovel in hand, and dug a bath to our sweet Isaac's grave so that we could visit) and then Eliana's birth, it had been a few weeks. That made my heart hurt, and for some reason, made me feel a little guilty. But we made it there last Sunday, and I stood there and cried like I hadn't in quite some time. Because this time, Eliana was with us. We introduced her to where her brother was buried, and explained to her that he lives with Jesus in heaven. Spencer and I both know that a then 2 1/2 week old doesn't understand that... but it felt like we needed to tell her something.

This past week I received a phone call from the school where I teach that in order to preserve my position there, I would need to return to work sooner than expected. I had hoped to stay out the rest of the school year, and had been told that doing so (which took me 9 days beyond the 12 weeks of FMLA leave) shouldn't jeopardize my position. My thoughts immediately raced to how to manage feeding Eliana while being back at work and not wanting to interrupt our routine. The following day I received another call saying that human resources would not let me return to work earlier than I had indicated on my leave form (which, coincidentally, asks you to list your dates of expected leave), and that my position at the school would now become a vacancy. As a teacher returning from leave, I am at the "end of the line" for vacant positions within our school district, essentially being assigned any "leftover" position once the transfer season is over. The long and short translation is: my 20-25 minute commute could potentially turn into a 90+ minute commute, depending on where the vacancies are... if there's even a vacancy for which I am certified at all. If not, I would be put on leave without pay indefinitely. I'll flat out admit it: I am stressed. My principal is great and is doing his best to figure something out. Please, please be in prayer about this on our behalf... that there would be a way to retain my position at this school; that if I can't, God would provide a desirable position with a manageable commute; and that I don't end up on leave without pay indefinitely.

And lastly, just a few picutres of Eliana's sweet face that I get to wake up to each morning...

She loves her activity mat and trying to hit the purple elephant!

2 weeks old!

2010-03-18T18:04:00.005-04:00

Thanks so much for your thoughts and advice left on my previous post.

In thinking through much of it further and in talking with Spencer and a close friend, I am realizing that part of what seems to be compounding my struggle is feeling like I should already have a better idea of what's "normal" for a newborn... the sounds, the sleep patterns, the eating habits. The whole being a "first time" mom to my second child has been wearing on me, perhaps, more than I realized. So my goal, for now, is to really just try to relax a little and to not worry so much. I trust that when the temptation to worry and fret arises, that the Lord will meet me in that.

On that note, our beautiful Eliana is 2 weeks old today! Just caught a few shots of her hanging out in her bouncy seat as Spencer and I finished up dinner...

A Quick Update

2010-03-17T12:35:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to let you all know we're still here :) The weather is gorgeous... just got in from a walk. Our third walk since Eliana joined our family, and she has yet to stay awake for one of them.

Eliana is doing well... seems to still have her days and nights confused, despite trying to help her with that. She also appears to be having some issues with gassiness and therefore a lot of night time fussiness when we try to put her down. She isn't a great burper (we've tried every "burping position" out there...) and she seems to want/need to be held for a bit after being fed in order to help her tummy digest a little better. Needless to say, we're not getting much sleep around here. A very welcomed dilemma (the no sleep thing) in a lot of ways, but making it hard to keep up with blogging, returning emails and phone calls... not to mention laundry, dishes, and regular household things. With Spencer returning to work next week, it has me a little anxious. In some ways I feel frustrated... I feel like I should know better about what's normal and what's not, and how to best help her. But I don't. It's difficult to be figuring this out for the first time with my second child. I think that's probably been weighing on me a bit as well.

Please pray for Eliana... that we could somehow figure out a way to help her, that her tummy would be able to digest a bit more easily, that she would get her days and nights straight, and that her sleep would be more restful than fitful.

Please pray for me... I feel really helpless sometimes in figuring out what's wrong and how to help Eliana feel better. The planner in me has a hard time with a non-routine, and the "art" of nursing is hard for a planned, practical, analytical demeanor like mine.

Please pray for Spencer... that the sleep he gets would be restful. He has been so awesome about being up with Ellie and I, helping with feedings, helping around the house, and just trying to make my load a bit lighter. I have no idea what all that will look like once he needs to go back to work next week.

Thanks for praying with us through this transition of figuring it all out :)

Newborn Photo Shoot

2010-03-15T14:17:00.006-04:00

This past Saturday we had our newborn photo shoot with Crissie Traugott, the same photographer who shot Isaac's Golf Tournament and who did our maternity pictures a few weeks ago.

Eliana was supposed to be good and sleepy during the shoot, but most of the time she was so alert! Crissie did get some great shots, though, in teh few moments Ellie actually was asleep.

Anyhow, here's a sneak peek of a few of the shots... I love the last two in particular!

Wide Awake

2010-03-14T12:23:00.003-04:00

Eliana is wide awake this morning... we read, sang songs, and now she's being introduced to her activity mat by her daddy. When I tried it, she hated the purple elephant. Today, she loves the purple elephant. :) I love discovering all of these little things about her!

Spencer's mom and stepdad came up to visit on Friday, and they captured this picture of Eliana that just captured my heart...

I love those big eyes and her sweet little cheeks!!

One Week Old!

2010-03-11T11:41:00.005-05:00

I can't believe that Eliana is already a week old! How did it get to be Thursday again?!

We've really enjoyed being at home spending simple moments together, like taking a snooze with dad...

And, when she's not being held and snuggled, Eliana seems to love her bouncy seat!

Here are a few shots of Ellie at one week old this morning...

I had my first "moment"this morning... you know, the ones that sort of catch you off guard? I was bringing Eliana downstairs and as we walked by Isaac's picture that is hung on the wall of our living room, she looked up at it and was captivated. She just kept staring at his sweet face... and I lost it as I whispered to her, "That's your brother, Isaac..." knowing that those pictures are all she'd know of him on this side of Heaven. While that's not a new concept for me, it was the first time it played itself out and it just made my heart ache. I am sure that there will be more moments like that... that sadness intertwined with so much joy. Today, though, we are just so thankful for the thirty-seven weeks we've had with Ellie inside my tummy, and the one beautiful week she has been here with us since her birth.

Eating, Sleeping, and Messy Diapers

2010-03-10T12:48:00.002-05:00

Didn't want you all to think we've disappeared! Just taking an extended trip to a new and exciting land, where our lives consist of feeding Eliana, changing messy diapers, and getting very little sleep :)

It is glorious... and I mean that sincerely.

Sure, I wish I could get a little more sleep, but I wouldn't trade a restful night's sleep for any of this. It is such a gift to be able snuggle Ellie, feed her, listen to her little squeaks that almost mimic singing, and yes, even to be able to change her diaper.

Even the "unpleasantries" of these early newborn days have a strong element of joyfulness for us; we've shared many laughs over the fact that Eliana makes some of the funniest faces and the fact that sometimes when we go to change her, we have to do it three times in a row because she's that "busy."

We are doing incredibly well, as is Eliana! Even the pediatrician gave her a glowing report today!

More Eliana Pictures!

2010-03-05T15:22:00.006-05:00

As promised, here are so more pictures of our precious baby girl!

Just after delivery!

Not too happy about her bath!

With Pop-Pop... one of the few times she showed us her eyes.

I LOVE all of her dark hair and her sweet little face!

Doing what she does best :)

Thank you so much for all of your prayers, well-wishes and encouragement! Our hearts are incredibly full of gratitude and and great joy.

Dream Baby

2010-03-04T20:02:00.004-05:00

Thank you all so much for your prayers, encouragement, and well-wishes!

Today has been an amazing day.

I mentioned before that the verse we picked for Eliana was 1 Peter 3:4, which reads,

You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

Eliana has been a dream baby. She is already demonstrating such a sweet, gentle, and quiet spirit. She rarely cries, and when she does, it's a cute little cry that is easily consoled. She's so good and so easy... at least so far! I love all of her little squeaks that she makes. She is absolutely precious.

Ellie is also a serious sleeper, as most newborns are I think :) It's been a little difficult to get her to wake up to feed, but when she does, she's a great eater!

We are just so thankful she is here, that she is healthy and safe, that so many of you have been thinking of us and praying for us, and that God has truly been good in meeting us today in our moments of missing as well giving us an unspeakable joy.

More pictures to come tomorrow!

~ Stacy

Meet Eliana!

2010-03-04T12:51:00.003-05:00

Here are a few pictures of sweet Eliana! They are from a blackberry, so they aren't the BEST quality. (I'm also a novice "blogger" so this is all kind of new to me :) ) More are coming your way.....

-Auntie Kate

She's Here!

2010-03-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

Eliana Jane Delisle made her way into the world this morning at 9:04 am! She is 6 lbs 12 oz and 19 ½ inches long. (About the same size that Stacy was when she was born!) She has a full head of dark hair that nurse Kathy said, “you probably couldn’t even get a comb through it.”
The doctor said that the procedure went very smoothly - it could not have gone better! He, too, mentioned Ellie’s full head of dark hair. He also said that Apgar was excellent!
e, too,
Stacy, Spencer and sweet Ellie are in the recovery room doing well J
Pictures will be posted once we have some….hopefully soon!!
- Auntie Kate (Stacy’s sister)

1

2010-03-03T06:12:00.002-05:00

In the words of Annie,

Tomorrow, tomorrow!
I love ya, tomorrow!
You're only a day away!

Today, Spencer and I are both off of work attending to last minute details like pre-op bloodwork, making sure our house is clean and in order, relaxing spa treatments (no, I am not kidding!), and a nice dinner out together. And yes, there are some baby-related tasks thrown in there as well, but we really wanted a day to rest and relax together before welcoming our baby girl.

We would love it if you would please read over the prayers of the last several days and just pray them again through the course of the day today.

I will (try to) update before heading to the hospital tomorrow morning. My sister, Kate, will be guest blogging from the waiting room as well.

I am truly humbled by the fact that about 800 of you follow this blog, have gotten to "meet" Isaac and bear witness to the story that God has been writing in our lives. I am honored that you would take the time to pray for someone whom, for many of you, have never met. And I can't wait to share the next chapter of the story that God is writing as we welcome Eliana tomorrow!

2

2010-03-02T06:10:00.000-05:00

Today is my last day at work for the year! I would just ask that you pray for this aspect of our preparation today... that loose ends would be tied up, that the details that need to be attended to would be done so with clarity and focus (as I am sure you can imagine that I am a bit distracted by other thoughts of Thursday), that the transition to my long-term sub taking over would go smoothly, and that I would be able to maintain a calm, and stress-free state while finishing up teaching today.

3

2010-03-01T06:15:00.001-05:00

Up until now, I've shared several ways that you can be praying for us. Today, I would just ask that you would join us in praising God for His faithfulness.

His faithfulness in guiding our decision about if and when to have another child.

His faithfulness in allowing us to become pregnant.

His faithfulness in meeting us amidst the fear that comes along with being pregnant again after losing a child, and calming it.

His faithfulness in allowing me to have a "textbook" pregnancy, free of any complications, and that even at 36 1/2 weeks pregnant, I still feel really good physically.

His faithfulness in knitting Eliana together as a healthy baby thus far.

His faithfulness in allowing us to experience a deep joy that neither Spencer or I have felt in quite some time as we anticipate her arrival.

The list could go on and on... I am just incredibly grateful.

4

2010-02-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know much about parenting a child at home. Sure, I have read some baby books, but when the rubber hits the road, it's all going to be new to me; but come Thursday, I know I will be getting quite a crash course.

What I do know is that my and Spencer's marriage is foundational to parenting well.

Would you please pray for our marriage? God has been so gracious in truly protecting our marriage through our journey with Isaac. Not that it's a perfect marriage or that we have it all together; but I can truly say that we have a great marriage, and that the Lord has so clearly protected us. As we bring Eliana home, I know that she will require so much of our attention. So please pray for us that God would continue to protect our marriage as He so faithfully has, and that He would give us the grace to bear with one another in love as we navigate this exciting transition; that He would help us to be intentional about our time together as a couple, and as a family; and that He would continue to be the foundation upon which our home is built.

5

2010-02-27T05:48:00.001-05:00

I love Saturdays... a great reprieve from the work week!

Today, would you please specifically be praying for Spencer as he leads our family in this next new and exciting chapter? Please pray for his nerves as we head back to the hospital, for patience with me as I learn how to be a mother to a baby at home, for focus the day of Eliana's birth, for his ability to balance finishing up his grad school work while gearing up for Thursday, and for grace as he balances the joy with the missing.

6

2010-02-26T06:04:00.001-05:00

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for sticking with us in prayer. One thing I did want to mention in regard to my prayer request from yesterday... part of the heartache in moving forward without Isaac here is that we very easily could have him here and be having Eliana. Isaac would have been about ten months old when I found out I was pregnant with Eliana, and so a large part of this aspect of my grief is knowing that they both could be here. So thank you for hearing my heart in that and for praying with us.

Today, would you please pray for the doctors, nurses, and other medical staff that will be caring for us at the hospital? The same two doctors who delivered Isaac will be delivering Eliana. The same two nurses that were tending to our care when Isaac was born, will also be caring for us as Eliana enters the world. All of them have met Isaac and are familiar with his story, and I know that all of him have been impacted by him.

Would you please pray that God would use Eliana's birth as a testament of His goodness and faithfulness in the hearts of all of the hospital staff involved with Eliana's delivery and our care afterwards? Please pray that they would see God's provision for our family... His making of beauty from ashes as He continues to write the next chapter in our family's story... and that they would clearly recognize it as such. Please pray for opportunities for us to share about that with the doctors, nurses, and other hospital workers with whom we come into contact, and that God would continue to use Isaac's life, and this next chapter entitled "Eliana" for His glory.

7

2010-02-25T05:30:00.000-05:00

A few nights ago I was explaining to someone that continuing to move forward after losing a child can sometimes be difficult. In response, this person asked, "Well, what do you feel like it is you're moving away from as you move forward?"

After giving it some thought, it's not so much that I feel as though I am moving away from Isaac... it's the fact that he's not here to move forward with us. I wish so much he could be here to also welcome his baby sister.

So with that, today would you please pray for both my and Spencer's hearts as we approach March 4th... balancing such great joy and anticipation in getting ready to meet Eliana, with the reality that we are coming to yet another milestone that we aren't able to share with our son, but deeply wish that we could. Please pray that God would allow us the space and the grace to manage these emotions, to bear with one another in love as we do, and that He would just be especially near to us in the missing.

8

2010-02-24T07:29:00.003-05:00

I am not sure it has really hit me that in wrapped up in the process of delivering Eliana is the fact that I will be undergoing a major surgery again. So today, could you please pray for the physical aspects of having another c-section? For my nerves about the surgery (did I tell you I have a seriously hard time with needles??), for my body to handle it well, for there not to be any sort of complications for me or for Eliana. History would tell me that physically, I will do just fine; but I am starting to sense my nervousness about this and know that God alone is the one who can calm those fears.
Thanks for joining us in praying through our countdown... we treasure your prayers immensely.