Sunday, November 8, 2009

Seesaw

These past few months, and in particular last few days, my life has felt like it is taken me on endless seesaw ride. Up for a while, down the next moment... trying to find this balance between the anticipation of hopefully welcoming our baby girl in March, with the ache of still longing for Isaac to be here. Sometimes it's a moment-to-moment adjustment, trying to find that equilibrium... other times, things will feel balanced for a few days, only to have it upset again.

Yesterday I was out for my run (well.. not it's more like a trot with some periods of walking in between!). It was a beautiful morning... crisp, cold... and I love the feeling of being bundled up and exercising in 35 degree weather. My iPod was set on random, and on came a song I hadn't listened to since I was in the hospital with Isaac. There's this great CD of instrumental versions of songs we've sung in church for years. Actually, the only instrument is a piano and there's something soothing about it. We listened to this pretty frequently during my hospital stay, mostly in an effort to drown out the noise of other babies on the mother-baby floor. As we were leaving the hospital that day, I was wheeled out, holding a picture of Isaac rather than Isaac himself, listening to the song "I Cry Out/For You Are Good" (it seems to have several different titles). As I said, I haven't been able to listen to that song since that day.

So as I was running, I was really enjoying my time being outside... envisioning this time next year running with a jog stroller in front of me carrying our little baby girl. The seesaw was up... and as this song randomly came on my iPod, the seesaw came crashing down. The tears just started pouring out (which I am sure was quite a site for anyone passing by), and the ache of missing Isaac took over.

I started thinking, though, about the actual lyrics to that song and just how true they are...

I cry out for Your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak and I need Your love to free me
Oh, Lord my Rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me, Oh Lord

You are my hope
And Your promise never fails me
And my desire is to follow You forever

For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to me (x2)

I need to be reminded of those truths... truths that I believe in all the way to the core, but in those moments of grief and sadness, or in fear and doubt, can escape me if I am not careful. And at the end of the day, it's many of these truths that help to keep the seesaw in that careful balance.

18 comments:

AmberS said...

*hugs* to you.
I just lost a baby in August when I was 14 weeks pregnant. About 3 weeks ago I was running and doing great and "I Will Carry You" (Audry's song) came onto my iPod. I did the same thing you did. Immediately started bawling. I am sure I was an odd site to be seen too.

Kelli said...

Sending a prayer your way Stacy...like I've said in a couple of my posts to you, I can't imagine your grief. But know that the Lord will carry you through....even though the pain is so strong....give it all to him....

Jenileigh said...

((((Stacy))))

Linda said...

Music has such a way of touching our heart and soul to the core.... especially true when it brings those bittersweet memories to mind.

My prayer for you is that the pain will fade but the sweet memories of your baby boy will remain forever... until you are with him again in heaven someday.

May God fill your empty arms with a precious baby girl in March, and may you remember that many prayers are going up on your behalf.

Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Erika said...

sending you hugs, love, and prayers. it is amazing to me how music, or a scent, or anything really can take me back to the day my twins were born. I'll be fine, and then all of a sudden, bawling. But I am so glad that I have those memories, even when I am crying and sad. I am glad I knew them, even if it was for a short time...

Kirsten said...

What a blessing to read that you are expecting!!! Praise God. Everyone that I've met on this journey that wanted to get pregnant after their loss. God is so faithful.

I miss Chloe and what could have been if she was still here, but I also know that we wouldn't have Sophia. She is 5 weeks old, 100% healthy and such a gift from God. And I have a totally different mindset as her mother because of how we grew through the loss of Chloe. I am a better mom to Sophia because of Chloe and it makes me proud that that is another way she impacted things with her short life. The same will be true for Isaac. His legacy lives on in ways that you haven't seen yet.

I can't wait to see pictures of your new little one. I'll be praying that you enjoy every minute of your pregnancy.

Blessings,
Kirsten

Desiree said...

That must be so hard. I pray He helps you achieve the balance you are searching for.

Sarah said...

Stacy- I am praising the Lord for the good news of your baby girl's health. It was so sweet to see her little thumbs up! I'll continue to pray that the Lord would remind you of his goodness as you journey towards the birth of your daughter while still remembering and loving your son, Isaac.

Paige said...

i did the EXACT same thing while running many times, especially when the songs came up that we played at tatum's service. i am praying for you and your baby girl- can't wait for you to experience God's goodness like we just did. Losing Isaac (although you would not have chosen it) will make you cherish your sweet girl so much more!

SayRah said...

Prayers and hugs to you! Lovely lyrics--sounds quite similar to Psalms (and perhaps it is).
((hugs & blessings))
Sarah @ ButterflyChic
www.sayrahterry.blogspot.com

jen said...

Continued prayers for you and your family. May God continue to bless you and your precious baby girl!

Tammy On the Go said...

Have you heard Steven Curtis chapman's new cd? I don't know if this is something you want to get into, but it's just amazing. hope you get a chance to hear it.
love,
Tammy

etrhodes said...

That is the same song that we sang at my daughter's funeral service. It was painful to sing then but I am finally getting to a place where I can sing confidently (still with a tear in my eye) that He is good to me. Praying for peace to you in the ups and downs, but especially the downs.

Bluebird said...

Oh, honey. This song was sung at church the first Sunday we went back after losing our twins. I tried to sing, but the tears wouldn't let me and I was afraid I was going to come apart. So I stood there, lips pressed tightly together, while the tears fell silently. I haven't been able to listen to it since.

((Hugs))

jen said...

Stacy~

I understood so much of that last post! The same sort of thing happened to me just last week. We were at an assembly at our school and the kindergarteners were doing a skit. There was a little girl from our church in the class and her mom was pregnant with her the same time I was pregnant with Logan. It hit me like a ton of bricks that he should be up there with those kids, singing their songs and sharing their poems. I know he watches over his little sisters from Heaven, but that doesn't make his mommy miss him any less. Sending prayers to you as you continue on the see saw of life!

fragments said...

big hugs, Stacy. praying for you - that you be wrapped in God's peace and comfort.

Jenn said...

Praying for you, Stacy. For joy in anticipating your new baby girl, and for the peace that passes all understanding and comfort in remembering Isaac.

Sonya said...

God is good and faithful and just. He is with you always and even if we don't understand his plan for our lives he knows what lies ahead. Just in him.