Seesaw

These past few months, and in particular last few days, my life has felt like it is taken me on endless seesaw ride. Up for a while, down the next moment... trying to find this balance between the anticipation of hopefully welcoming our baby girl in March, with the ache of still longing for Isaac to be here. Sometimes it's a moment-to-moment adjustment, trying to find that equilibrium... other times, things will feel balanced for a few days, only to have it upset again.

Yesterday I was out for my run (well.. not it's more like a trot with some periods of walking in between!). It was a beautiful morning... crisp, cold... and I love the feeling of being bundled up and exercising in 35 degree weather. My iPod was set on random, and on came a song I hadn't listened to since I was in the hospital with Isaac. There's this great CD of instrumental versions of songs we've sung in church for years. Actually, the only instrument is a piano and there's something soothing about it. We listened to this pretty frequently during my hospital stay, mostly in an effort to drown out the noise of other babies on the mother-baby floor. As we were leaving the hospital that day, I was wheeled out, holding a picture of Isaac rather than Isaac himself, listening to the song "I Cry Out/For You Are Good" (it seems to have several different titles). As I said, I haven't been able to listen to that song since that day.

So as I was running, I was really enjoying my time being outside... envisioning this time next year running with a jog stroller in front of me carrying our little baby girl. The seesaw was up... and as this song randomly came on my iPod, the seesaw came crashing down. The tears just started pouring out (which I am sure was quite a site for anyone passing by), and the ache of missing Isaac took over.

I started thinking, though, about the actual lyrics to that song and just how true they are...

I cry out for Your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak and I need Your love to free me
Oh, Lord my Rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me, Oh Lord

You are my hope
And Your promise never fails me
And my desire is to follow You forever

For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to me (x2)

I need to be reminded of those truths... truths that I believe in all the way to the core, but in those moments of grief and sadness, or in fear and doubt, can escape me if I am not careful. And at the end of the day, it's many of these truths that help to keep the seesaw in that careful balance.