The Missing

It never gets easier... the missing, that is. While it changes and takes on different forms, it's still always there.

The 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament is about a week away. Last night our UPS man delivered two dozen logoed golf balls for the tournament. As Spencer and I opened them up and looked, we were both once again struck by how awful it is to see your son's name as part of a memorial golf tournament. Please don't misunderstand... I am so grateful for the opportunity to do it; to have a platform from which to share about Isaac, that value of life, and the character of Christ; and to be able to raise funds for organizations that support bereaved parents and provide them with lasting memories of the precious children they've lost.

But I would much rather see my son's name in lights. To read it in the sports page of the newspaper. To have it listed on his school's honor roll page. To hear it over the loudspeaker as the starting lineup is called.

The whole concept of time has become such a paradox to me. How almost two years have seemingly flown by; and yet the last time I saw my sweet Isaac, cuddled him close, and kissed his little face feels like so long ago.

One of my favorite Psalms says this: Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

This verse taught me so much during my time with Isaac in the womb... knowing that each of those days I had him safely snuggled in my belly was precious... that it mattered... that it counted.

And so the missing remains... I know it always will. Whether it shows up in a conversation with a stranger when the see Ellie (Is this your first? No, she's our second. Oh! How old is our first? Well, our son, Isaac, would be almost two years old, but he unfortunately passed away shortly after he was born. Oh... I am so sorry.), a visit to the cemetery, a family picture that is incomplete, or catching Eliana taking a peek at her brother's picture on the wall... it's always there. I know to expect it, but it doesn't erase the fact that it lingers. And we do our best to acknowledge it, to manage it, and to allow God to use it to keep our hearts tender towards others and postured towards Him.