Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Missing

It never gets easier... the missing, that is. While it changes and takes on different forms, it's still always there.

The 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament is about a week away. Last night our UPS man delivered two dozen logoed golf balls for the tournament. As Spencer and I opened them up and looked, we were both once again struck by how awful it is to see your son's name as part of a memorial golf tournament. Please don't misunderstand... I am so grateful for the opportunity to do it; to have a platform from which to share about Isaac, that value of life, and the character of Christ; and to be able to raise funds for organizations that support bereaved parents and provide them with lasting memories of the precious children they've lost.

But I would much rather see my son's name in lights. To read it in the sports page of the newspaper. To have it listed on his school's honor roll page. To hear it over the loudspeaker as the starting lineup is called.

The whole concept of time has become such a paradox to me. How almost two years have seemingly flown by; and yet the last time I saw my sweet Isaac, cuddled him close, and kissed his little face feels like so long ago.

One of my favorite Psalms says this: Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

This verse taught me so much during my time with Isaac in the womb... knowing that each of those days I had him safely snuggled in my belly was precious... that it mattered... that it counted.

And so the missing remains... I know it always will. Whether it shows up in a conversation with a stranger when the see Ellie (Is this your first? No, she's our second. Oh! How old is our first? Well, our son, Isaac, would be almost two years old, but he unfortunately passed away shortly after he was born. Oh... I am so sorry.), a visit to the cemetery, a family picture that is incomplete, or catching Eliana taking a peek at her brother's picture on the wall... it's always there. I know to expect it, but it doesn't erase the fact that it lingers. And we do our best to acknowledge it, to manage it, and to allow God to use it to keep our hearts tender towards others and postured towards Him.

12 comments:

KK said...

Praying for you. You're such a wonderful Mommy to both Eliana and sweet Isaac. :-)

Andrew and Ryan Davenport said...

I have been keeping up with your blog since I lost my daughter Paisly Grace in June of this year. I constantly pray for you. I'm sure you're daugther is so very precious to you, but as much as it hurts to see that you still have hurt for the loss of your son; at the same time it encourages me. I see that 2 years later you still have your son on your mind. So many people have said to me, "You'll have more children and will move on"...I don't like this because I don't want to ever forget her precious face and the way she felt in my arms. I'm encouraged to see that after 2 years your feelings for Isaac are still as strong as they were when you were pregnant with him. Thank you for that :)

Jenny said...

Stacy, everything about your love for Isaac is inspiring.

Truly His said...

Love your blog and see the inspiration it gives to all of us that have lost a baby or know a loved one that has. Praying God's comfort and peace in only the way He can give!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

The missing is always part of our lives...that is so true. Love and prayers for you, dear friend...

Theresa said...

praying for you and your sweet family

Jen said...

Hugs. I agree, the missing never gets easier. Somedays it is more than others, but it is still always lingering. Hugs to you.

Jus-Because said...

Even though your words come in a not so easy time I definitely find encouragement from this.

Dvlish said...

You are such an inspiration. I am almost 31 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. Our first was born still at 25 weeks last Jan. Most days I don't have the heart to get into it so my standard answer when asked "what # is this?" is to just reply that she is our 1st. It feels almost like I am denying the existance of her big sister, but most days even now it is just too hard to get into it with strangers. I pray one day I will find a response that honors her memory and allows me to say the words without tears. Thank you for your blog.

Cecilia said...

You honor Issac's memory well, it is apparent from the way you write about him lovingly. I hope the golf tournament goes well!

Bridget said...

Your love for your children shines through with every post you write. My sons passed away 3 years and 4 years ago and I still think of them everyday, it never goes away but the pain isn't so sharp and raw.

God bless,
Bridget
www.kissesfromanangel.blogspot.com

The Knight Family said...

God has a plan... and you have found it. Everytime I read your blog I am amazed at how God can speak "through" his servants.