Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's Coming...

It had been a hot, hot summer here in Maryland. Confiningly (is that a word?) hot, really. It's pretty difficult to find things to do outside on sunny, 95 degree days with a little baby. Much of my summer was spent in the cool indoors, barring some morning walks or a few short trips to the pool. In fact, here we are mid-September at it was still well over 80 degrees today.

But it's coming. It's right around the corner, ever so slightly making its presence known. It's showing up in cooler mornings, gentle breezes, Sunday football games. It's showing up in Halloween decor, bold colored mums on neighbors' doorsteps.

And while there are many things about fall that bring much joy to the Delisle household, this turning of seasons reminds me that another October 7th is dawning near.

I remember so clearly the distinct change in the weather from the time I entered the hospital to deliver Isaac, and the time I left there empty handed and brokenhearted. It was so distinct, that Spencer and I actually commented on it as I slowly made my way to the car that day. It was as if it had turned to fall in a matter of a few short days... leaves already having started to turn, humidity having made a welcomed exit, and cooler temperatures already settling in.

I've mentioned before how grief is such a sensory experience, and this change in season from summer to fall holds so much emotion for me... both the anticipation and joy of meeting my sweet Isaac; and the unspeakable heartache of losing him. A heart bursting with pride as I held him and told him as many times as I could in the 16 minutes we had with him how much I love him... and a heart weeping with sorrow as I sat by his grave less than a week later.

Lately I have been thinking about him so much, and as I stare in the faces of other kids about his age, it seems unfathomable to me that Isaac would be almost two years old. It feels like forever since I last saw him, kissed his sweet nose, and stroked his fuzzy hair. And yet, time also feels as though it has flown.

Watching the rate at which Eliana's personality is developing and shining through, I can't help but wonder about what Isaac would be like. Would his hair still be strawberry blond? Would he want to root for the Ravens or the Jets this fall, or would he have one of each jersey? Would he make friends with the other little boys about his age who live nearby and play with them out back on the playground? What kind of big brother would he be to Eliana?

As another October 7th starts to draw near, please pray for us. Isaac is heavy on my heart.

23 comments:

Jacksmom said...

Thinking of you guys as the birthday and anniversary draw near.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Jen said...

I miss Isaac...for your sake, for Spencer's sake, for Eliana's sake...all religious thoughts aside, I wish he were here with you. Hugs-

J in OH

Kristin said...

Praying for you both Stacy and feeling thankful that I have had an opportunity to know Isaac through you!
Blessings, Kristin

MiniMe Mom said...

Thinking of you guys as this day draws near.

The Writer Chic said...

I'm right there with you....This is the first September since 2006 that I haven't been pregnancy with one (or more) of my children. I, too, am very in tune with the season as it relates to my family and who is here and who isn't.

Loving and praying, as always.

KK said...

Still praying for you! I'll be thinking about you these coming days, and especially on October 7.

Hugs!

The Knight Family said...

Praying for you. I have 2 other mommy friends who lost their newborn babies in the fall. One in Sept. and one in October. Both several years ago. I think of them at this time of year as well.

WendyCarole said...

will be thinking of you

Michelle Karr said...

I will be praying for you, Stacy! Fall coming has been hard for me this year too.

Ashly said...

Holy Cow, did we write the same post on the same day or what? That was nuts!

I'll be praying for you too my friend. I wonder if we'll ever feel differently about September and October? or will it always be like this?

Nellie said...

Beautifully written and so touching. There are no words that even scratch the source or touch on your loss. Sending you ALWAYS -prayers of peace, love, joy and happiness to you and your family.

Jenny said...

My eyes filled with tears as I read the part about the Jets/Ravens jerseys. My heart continues to ache for you. It's amazing how much you can miss someone you never even "met."

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Prayers for you..
I understand the feelings that fall brings..
Hugs to you.

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Carly said...

The weeks leading up are really hard, and I'm thinking and praying for you all. Lots of Love, C.

Holly said...

I'll be praying for you as his day approaches.

Tammy On the Go said...

can't believe it's almost 2 years of celebrating his life!

Mom said...

It seems that I am thinking about and missing Isaac a lot lately, too. It is so hard to imagine that it has been almost 2 years. Isaac would have been the best big brother in the world to Eliana. In some ways, he still is...
Isaac is dearly missed and you all are dearly loved. We will keep you in our prayers as his birthday draws near.
With all my love, MomMom

SUSI said...

Oh fall...it is a such a beautiful time of year but so full of sadness. Totally hear what you are saying. Just strange how the leaves changing their colors can weigh so heavy on someone's heart.

Thinking of you and sweet Isaac.

Cort said...

praying...always...sweet, sweet, Issac.

Cort said...

it sent before i could finish. i was very moved by this post, stacy. just simply, beautiful. and he might have surprised you all and aligned himself with a neutal team...like, say, the COWBOYS!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Praying for you as always, my friend...

Heidi said...

Stacy,
I read your blog long before, when everything happened to you are your family losing Issac. I recently became a mother myself, and thought that I can share in the joy and love that you had shown Issac and now your new daughter Eliana.
However, my heartaches along with yours, I lost my son of 1 month old, and understand now your grief, and the feelings that you had felt (and continue to feel) when you lost your precious son. Reading your blog before I couldn't fathom going through what you had, and now that I'm living it, I now understand. I would love to talk with you (even though our stories are different) and ask you how you kept your faith so strong? My email is lumberchic14@bex.net.
Thank you and my heart goes out to you and your family as Issac's birthday draws near.
Heidi