9 Months

Today Isaac would have been 9 months old. And I think the thing that's especially strange about that for me is the fact that we've been without him here as long as we had him with us, even though it was time in the womb. And it's a Tuesday... Isaac was born on a Tuesday.

In many ways, my pregnancy with Isaac felt long... I wanted to live it slowly, and I didn't want it to end. Somehow, these past 9 months feel as though they passed a lot more quickly than our time with him did. It's strange how the same amount of time can feel so different.

Lately I have found myself thinking back to "this time last year." At this point last year, I could feel Isaac moving around all the time. I had to wear a maternity swimsuit at the pool. I would spend time laying on the couch, just being with Isaac. I would get up each morning, play him music, and write Isaac a letter. I was anticipating our trip to the beach so I could get to tell him all about the ocean, the waves, the seashells, the sunrise, and the seagulls. Despite Isaac's diagnosis, I was full of enjoyment because of the time I did have with him, and full of anticipation about what God could still do.

This year, while the aftermath of it all has become more predictable and more steady, it still just feels hard. Please don't misunderstand... I love summer. It is one of the greatest perks of being a teacher! But Isaac isn't here... not in the womb or here in our home. And it can be a real battle to not muddle in the "should've, would've, could've beens." While I know that some of that is normal, I also know that it's not God's desire for us to stay there and to live in that.

It appears as though this post is a little scattered, but I suppose that's just sort of my thoughts on it all. We're progressing, God continues to show us His grace and faithfulness, and we are continuing to adjust to our new normal... which doesn't feel, at nine months, so new anymore. But the limp is still there, and I have a feeling it's not going anywhere... we're just getting more used to it. I still miss Isaac a ton, and it is hard to not look at other little boys who are about the age Isaac would be and not feel sad about the fact that I'll never get to see Isaac smile, or hear him laugh, watch him roll over, or see him pull himself up. As I said in my "8 Months" post, though, there are good days, they are outnumbering the bad days, and through it all, God really does just continue to pour out his provision for us.

So today, Spencer and I will do our usual thing of visiting the cemetery (like we do every Sunday and the 7th of each month). We thought it fitting to spend a bulk of time today working on the paperwork for setting up The Isaac Delisle Foundation. It just felt like a way to somehow honor Isaac and to be doing something that allows us to feel a little closer to him.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us all these months. Some of you have been reading from the beginning, and you've really been in it for the long haul. Others of you may have found Isaac's story only recently, and we're thankful that you've gotten to know our sweet son.

I just love his sweet little face, his cute nose, his soft skin, and his fuzzy red hair :)