Tuesday, July 7, 2009

9 Months

Today Isaac would have been 9 months old. And I think the thing that's especially strange about that for me is the fact that we've been without him here as long as we had him with us, even though it was time in the womb. And it's a Tuesday... Isaac was born on a Tuesday.

In many ways, my pregnancy with Isaac felt long... I wanted to live it slowly, and I didn't want it to end. Somehow, these past 9 months feel as though they passed a lot more quickly than our time with him did. It's strange how the same amount of time can feel so different.

Lately I have found myself thinking back to "this time last year." At this point last year, I could feel Isaac moving around all the time. I had to wear a maternity swimsuit at the pool. I would spend time laying on the couch, just being with Isaac. I would get up each morning, play him music, and write Isaac a letter. I was anticipating our trip to the beach so I could get to tell him all about the ocean, the waves, the seashells, the sunrise, and the seagulls. Despite Isaac's diagnosis, I was full of enjoyment because of the time I did have with him, and full of anticipation about what God could still do.

This year, while the aftermath of it all has become more predictable and more steady, it still just feels hard. Please don't misunderstand... I love summer. It is one of the greatest perks of being a teacher! But Isaac isn't here... not in the womb or here in our home. And it can be a real battle to not muddle in the "should've, would've, could've beens." While I know that some of that is normal, I also know that it's not God's desire for us to stay there and to live in that.

It appears as though this post is a little scattered, but I suppose that's just sort of my thoughts on it all. We're progressing, God continues to show us His grace and faithfulness, and we are continuing to adjust to our new normal... which doesn't feel, at nine months, so new anymore. But the limp is still there, and I have a feeling it's not going anywhere... we're just getting more used to it. I still miss Isaac a ton, and it is hard to not look at other little boys who are about the age Isaac would be and not feel sad about the fact that I'll never get to see Isaac smile, or hear him laugh, watch him roll over, or see him pull himself up. As I said in my "8 Months" post, though, there are good days, they are outnumbering the bad days, and through it all, God really does just continue to pour out his provision for us.

So today, Spencer and I will do our usual thing of visiting the cemetery (like we do every Sunday and the 7th of each month). We thought it fitting to spend a bulk of time today working on the paperwork for setting up The Isaac Delisle Foundation. It just felt like a way to somehow honor Isaac and to be doing something that allows us to feel a little closer to him.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us all these months. Some of you have been reading from the beginning, and you've really been in it for the long haul. Others of you may have found Isaac's story only recently, and we're thankful that you've gotten to know our sweet son.

I just love his sweet little face, his cute nose, his soft skin, and his fuzzy red hair :)


Sonya said...

Still praying for you Stacy. I think that it is awesome what you are doing to honor Isaac. I bet he is very proud of his mommy and daddy!

Lauren said...

Thinking of you Stacy and Spencer... and missing Isaac. We love you all.

Miche said...

As always you guys continue to amaze me. Only being a "newbie: of one week on "this side" I'm still not sure how I feel so in a way I can relate when you say even 9 months later your thoughts are still scattered.

Enjoy your day and we will be thinking and praying for you.

Angela said...

God actually brought you to my mind yesterday. Still praying for you and Spencer from Georgia.

Misty Rice said...

That is crazy to think about. 9 Months! Wow! :(

My thoughts are scattered just thinking about all the families that have endured such a loss. I can't wrap my brain around it all. Its devastating to me to just hear and read this life stories of others, that I can't even begin to pretend I have a clue how you feel. Although God has surely made me one compassionate person.... where my hurt is a BIG hurt for others. I know it doesn't even scratch the surface of your broken heart.

I hope you have another child.....just so you can comfort this sadness with a little bit of joy. The joy of holding a child in your arms and not just in your heart.

Praying girl.

boltefamily said...

Praying for you! I know the 9 month mark was hard for me. It is so hard when you realize you have been longer without your sweet baby than you were with them. You are amazing though. You are moving forward one step at a time allowing God to work and it is beautiful to see. Not easy, but beautiful. We continue to pray for your family.

Kristen said...

Dear Stacy,

I've been meaning to comment for some time now, but today is the day...I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you like crazy today!! I have been so touched by your story over the past year...it was about a year ago that I found your blog, and my son Jack was born the day before your Isaac. My heart has been so broken for you this past year, I was praying so hard that God would heal Isaac on this side of heaven... your story and the life of your beautiful little boy have touched my heart so deeply, that I truly feel that the unexpected arrival of Jack on October 6th, was in part so I would have a reminder to pray for you every day, week, month and year for as long as God continues to place you so deeply on my heart (which I have no doubt will be an incredibly long time, for that is how deeply I have been affected by your story). I know I'm not really expressing this the way I want to, but please know that someone else is thinking of you and praying for you as your heart aches over what you are missing each day since Isaac was born. As crazy as I know it seems, I do find myself watching Jack learn something new...and my heart breaks all over for you...which leads me to pray for you. Please know that you are being covered in prayer!! Thank you for being so willing to share your story...your sweet boy has touched my heart and my life more than you could ever imagine!!

Linda said...

Stacy, 9 Months! Time does pass doesn't it,...if we want it too or not. I'm sure that 16 minutes was the most precious time you have ever spent,...yet the most bittersweet time you ever will spend.

What a precious baby Issac was,...your baby,...given to you by God, for His purpose, yet taken away so quickly also for His purpose. Until eternity, you may never know the reasons God did what He did,...but that's ok,...it was His special plan for you.

He chose you to be honored with the "joy" and the "privilege" of being Isaac's mommy and daddy,...and with that privilege and joy came the sorrow and pain,...but I am sure that it was worth it. I know that you aren't sorry that Isaac touched your life if only briefly,...because the love and the memory of him will be with you always.

9 months of having Issac in the womb,...feeling his life within you,... and being able to share those months together as a family,..Mommy, Isaac and daddy, must have been a treasured time. I always loved being pregnant and feeling the miracle within me.

Now that 9 months have passed since you held Isaac in your arms, I am sure that the love is still there,...and it will always be there,...but the pain is somehow dulling a bit. But the memory of sweet Isaac will always remain.

I am so glad that you have your pictures of him in your arms,..kissing him and loving him. They will always mean so much to you.

Our daughter Lynnette has lost two baby boys and a 6 year old girl. We know your pain sweet Stacy and we are sorry. But we are not sorry that we had the blessings of our Samuel, Josiah , or Anna in our lives,...even though it was a brief time. We are all different people because God chose for them to touch our hearts so deeply. And I am sure that your lives have changed too.

And out of those times came a testimony to share with others, of God's amazing love and faithfulness to us. You will have that too. (I know you already do)

Thank you for sharing Isaac with us. Thank you for sharing your heart. Hold onto God, and trust in Him day by day. He is in control.

Praying for you,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

lisavengesta said...

stacy, you are absolutely amazing. that's all i can think when i read your posts. you are a wonderful person. and i think of you often ((hugs)) lisa

T.S. said...

Every time I see his face, I just lose my breath over what an exceptionally beautiful baby Isaac is!

Trennia said...

Isaac is a beauitful baby boy...praying for you

Michele said...

Thinking of your beautiful Issac today and sending you hugs.

mel said...

Praying for you today. My God continue to wrap his arms around you & give you the strength to press on.

Shannon said...

I've been going through the same things this week. Chaya would have been eight months old as of yesterday. This time last year I had JUST found out I was pregnant, this week and next week mark the anniversaries of my first prenatal appointment and my first ultrasound. And just started back at the job I had while I was pregnant before I started having complications that caused me to leave.

It's very difficult, to put it mildly. I wonder how long this scattering of the thoughts will be? Maybe forever? It wouldn't surprise me.

Thinking of you and praying for you today and always.

Lorraine-bo said...

Praying you and Spencer feel especially loved and comforted today.

God's peace,
Lorraine D
Pella, IA

The Writer Chic said...

I was thinking of you as I woke this morning. Another Tuesday...Praying for you.

Holly said...

Happy 9 month Birthday Isaac!

I pray that today is easy on you since these anniversary days are more difficult. It just seems like you just wrote your 8 month post and here it is 9 months already. It's hard to believe, but it is.

Tim and Jennifer said...

still think and pray for you and your family often. May God continue to heal. Isaac has some wonderful parents!

Sammy said...

He is just gorgeous Stacy xx

Laura said...

Thinking of you today. So surreal to be without him for as long as you had him. 9 months isn't very long...praying you had a sweet day with Spencer today.

You are walking this so well...one moment at a time. I think of you so often.

Sending much love.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

I love his face and his fuzzy red hair, too. My Thomas had fuzzy red hair! =) It's hard to tell in my pictures, but in person, you could tell. Continuing to pray for you...I can see His grace in your words.

Love to you...

Ashley & Chris said...

He's beautiful.
I just found your blog and relate so much to you and your grieving. I find strength in your posts and it gives me hope that time can heal.
God Bless
-An empty hearted mother to an angel,

Jacksmom said...

I love his fuzzy red hair too!! We still pray for you every night. I can't believe it's been 9 months already. I remember stalking the blog waiting for something to be posted, to hear something, praying for a miracle. I still cry when you post about your pain (I just read the post from the other day before this one since we were out of town when that post was done) because you articulate it so well, and unfortunately I've seen other parents here in our NICU right where you were on October 7th.

I'm so glad you know Him and that your faith is so strong. You and Spencer have so much to do with my desire to know Him better and for Jack to as well. We love you!

Susan said...

Thinking of you today, Praying for you always.


Kristal said...

I have been reading your blog fro quite some time and pray for you and your family. Recently I came to understand the reason I happened to come accross your blog and felt drawn to it. My niece gave birth to a baby girl (Lidda Jo) on June 25th. On June 28th Lidda went home to be with her Heavenly Father.

Your blog have given me an understanding of what she is feeling and has given me words that are comforting to her. I don't think there is anything worse than losing a child and while I try to understand the feelings my niece is having I will not pretend that I know how she feels.

I know you have an abundant prayer list, but if you can add them to it, I would greatly appreciate it. I have commented on your blog once before, but usually read and pray for you all. But I thank you for sharing your story and want you to know that in doing so you have indeed helped others.

Thank you,
Independence, MO


Connor's Mom said...

Of many of my "daily reads," yours is one I come to as often as I can. I feel very connected to your story and actually work with someone who grew up with Spencer so we are connected in a sense. I can truly sense your struggle and yet, your perseverance. I'm so happy with how you've chosen to honor Isaac. I hope that God blesses you both richly for who you are.

Much love and many prayers,
Staci from MI

Kristen said...

Praying for you! It will be alright and your faith amazes me!

Paige said...

Praying for you!

jen said...

You and Spencer continue to be in our thoughts and prayers! I remember feeling all those same things you are describing...I felt safer knowing Logan was inside me and wanted my pregnancy to go on forever. The 30 minutes we had with him on earth were way too short. I have to remind myself that they will seem like nothing compared to the time we will spend with him in Heaven. Please, just know that other mommies can relate and that you are definitely not alone! Sending love your way!

Rebecca Louise. said...

I'm still and will always be in on this journey for the long haul. x

KK said...

Continuing to pray for you and Spencer. Praying for continued healing and peace of mind.
Blessings always,
Psalm 18:2 NIV

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your post, started from the beginning. I truly admire you, and feel like I understand what you went thru. My precious granddaughter only lived for about 15 minutes. Like you, my daughter in law knew that her baby would not live, and like you, we prayed for a miracle. She too chose to carry to term, a decision I will be forever grateful for. When I read your blog where the lady told you that you were being judgemental...I have to admit, it upset me. To terminate a pregnancy (that God has ordained) because a doctor tells them that their baby will not live, tells me that they are going on the word of a mere, mortal man, not God's. You did the right thing, you let God decide, not a man. As for my granddaughter, I miss her everyday (born and died on Feb. 23, 2009) and am so grateful I got to know her, even if it was for only 15 minutes. The way I see it, your beautiful son (and he WAS beautiful) and my beautiful, precious grandaughter, knew only love in their short lives. They were loved in the womb, loved for the short time they lived, and now are being loved eternally. I feel sorry for people who choose to terminate because they rob themselves of getting to know their child, even if it is for just a short time. God bless you and your husband, He will honor your faithfulness.

Linda Camacho
(I can't remember my password!)