Why NOT Me?

While the title may suggest it, this post isn't going to be about how I feel sort of "left out" in the whole world of raising children. While that may be true, and while the fact that Isaac isn't here for us to raise often makes me feel like I don't quite "fit" with our many friends who do have children (not because of anything our friends say or do; they are terrific... this is merely circumstantial), this isn't the context in which I have been thinking about this question.

I think it's common and it's normal when someone has suffered a catastrophic loss, such as the loss of a child, to ask "Why me?" And truth be told, I did. I had a great line of rationalization about why losing a child shouldn't happen to me and Spencer. It went something like this:

"We're young, healthy people. We make eating right and staying in shape a priority. I did everything right during my pregnancy... ate right, exercised, abstained from harmful things. We're a strong Christian couple who desires to raise our children in the ways of the Lord. We have great jobs in which we excel... after all, I am a Nationally Board Certified Teacher. We're kind, loving, live in a safe and family-focused neighborhood that's a great place to raise children. Things like this shouldn't happen to people like us."

To be honest, I am almost embarrassed to admit this train of thought. It's certainly less than humble. But in the face of tragedy, we try to reason it. We try to make "sense" of it all.

Gently, though, the Lord brought to mind a different question, Why NOT you, Stacy?

After all, while all of those things listed in my not-so-humble rant above may be true, there is one thing significantly more true than any of them: I am a sinner, saved by grace.

Our small group is currently reading and discussing Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. We spent some time this past Friday talking about the cross, and how it serves as a reminder of who we are, who we are not, and who we are in relation to God.

At the foot of the cross, there is no better or worse.

But so often, I think as a way of protecting ourselves from realizing that "those things" could in fact happen to us, we create this protective wall of our accomplishments and positive attributes. Through this experience, I have been realizing that a wall of protection built from my successes and favorable behaviors or traits is no stronger than the straw the three little pigs used to build their house. When the big bad wolf came, it served as no protection.

So I think the better question is... Why NOT me?

When I remember who I really am at the core, there's nothing that precludes me from experiencing the "unthinkable." Even Job, an incredibly righteous man in his time, was tormented time and time and time again. And unfortunately, as the life of Job deomnstrates, even experiencing one unthinkable tragedy doesn't preclude you from experiencing another.

The question of "Why me?" puts myself at the center; the question of "Why NOT me?" turns our eyes toward God... and He is our only sure foundation in the midst of pain, heartache, and tragedy.

Please don't get me wrong...I certainly don't miss Isaac any less. His absence is still incredibly profound and I miss him like crazy. And it has taken me a long time to get to this place... where my head and heart seem to finally be matching up on this. For a while, these truths were something my head knew, but my heart was still in so much anguish that it just hadn't caught up yet. Some of you reading may be in that place. The disconnect between the two is so hard. Continue to take it before the Lord... He will meet you there.