Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Painting Over Yellow

Two weekends ago I ordered Eliana's nursery furniture. I had some coupons for Babies R Us that were only good that particular weekend, so after finding a set that I liked, I went ahead and ordered it. That alone was a difficult step... Spencer was away on a men's retreat, and he was trusting me to just go ahead and buy it.

I had always been told that nursery furniture takes weeks and weeks to come in; however ours arrived back at the store in four DAYS. It caught me a bit off guard, and I wasn't quite prepared to pick it up just yet. However, on our way home from visiting Spencer's mom for Thanksgiving, we picked it up, and thanks to my dad's help, got it safely home.

Thought it was here, I didn't feel any sort of rush to get things set up. The room that will be Eliana's nursery needed to be painted, and I just sort of figured we would put the boxes in there and wait a while. Until this point, that room had housed some boxes we didn't know what to do with when we moved in, as well as gifts and other items that belonged to Isaac that are now put safely away in his cedar chest. My sweet husband, however, had other ideas about the paint situation and what to do with the boxed furniture.

With Christmas fast approaching, and his grad school course work picking up, Spencer wanted to get his part of setting up Eliana's room finished now while he had the time to really focus on it. So, he while he prepped the room to be painted, he sent me out to get the paint color that the Pottery Barn Kids catalog recommended to coordinate with the bedding we had picked out.

The main behind the paint counter was really kind, and starting chatting with me about my pregnancy, the paint for the room, etc. I was trying to figure out whether or not we needed a primer, and the man asked what color the walls were now.

"Yellow," I answered.

Yellow. How badly I wanted to tell him blue...

About how the room had been used by our sweet son Isaac, but now we were moving his room over in order to prepare for Eliana's arrival. But that wasn't how it all happened, even though we wished so deeply that it was.

Instead, we painted over yellow... no primer needed. Yellow walls that were there when we moved in, and that remained there because we never had the chance to set the room up for our sweet son.

While there was so much joy in picking out her furniture, painting the walls candy stripe pink, and seeing her room starting to come together, it all still doesn't feel just right. It still feels like there's this missing piece, a piece that even Eliana's arrival won't, and can't, replace. I know that as we continue to prepare, decorate the nursery, and anticipate bringing her home, there will be a part of me that wishes that this wasn't the first time I was doing these things.

I suppose that these exciting preparations still serve as reminders of what was lost, and in such a tangible way. It's not a matter of feeling like it's hard OR feeling excited about preparing for Eliana; the fact remains that it's both. They co-exist... polarized emotions contained in one human being; I don't know that I could have ever imagined a capacity so large.

And in His goodness, God continues to give us just enough grace for each moment... for each trip to Babies R Us, for each doctor's appointment, for each conversation with a stranger who kindly asks if this is my first, for each of the preparations. Just enough grace for each step of the way.

30 comments:

Marie W said...

He really is a good God. When things start falling into place, it is a reminder that his hands are still in it, and he is paving the way for his will to be done. Thinking of you.

Jus and Kat said...

Stacy,

This post is really beautiful and reminded me of a quote that I read yesterday, "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." May God's Grace continue to protect and provide you comfort during this pregnancy and beyond.

Kat In Dylan's Memory

Sarah said...

Such a beautiful post, Stacy. I do have blue painted walls and I can't even begin to think about having to paint over them. Andrew's room is still intact b/c I just can't bear to touch it. In many ways, it will always be HIS room. Praying for you....

Liz and Will Timmerman said...

You have written yet another beautiful post that speaks straight to my heart. I really do appreciate the way you are able to put into words things that lie in my heart. I never had the courage to paint over Luke's room. We ended up moving though when Lucy was 2 weeks old. We still have elements of Luke's room throughout Lucy's room though. He had a duck theme, and Lucy has a bird theme and the neutral green bedding Lucy uses is from Luke. It's kind of poetic for how they reside in my heart - different children, yet they coordinate very well!

You'll have to post a picture of Eliana's room when it is finished. What are you doing with Isaac's things now that you are making his room into Eliana's?

Liz

Sonya said...

God is good Stacy and while Eliana will not replace Isaac, she will just add to your joy. :)

Susie said...

Thinking of you and Isaac often...

Franchesca Cox said...

Yes, those reminders are inevitable and often so hard. The nursery sounds just lovely. May God continue to give you the grace to live each day filled with peace.

xo

FSD said...

Thank you for sharing this life long journey with us. I can't begin to imagine how very difficult and exciting this is for you all wrapped into one. You described it perfectly...polarized emotions. (Have you ever thought about writing a book? You write so vividly and beautifully. This blog IS your book.)

Praying for God's continued grace for you...

The Writer Chic said...

My heart aches along with you, Stac. I know this dual-edged sharp love only too well.

Holly said...

Wow, that furniture came quick. I bet her room will be so pretty with those candy stripe walls.

No, nothing will replace what is missing in your lives here on earth-a beautiful son. May God's grace continue to guide you.

Amanda said...

Stacy,

It is such a struggle as you go through a pregnancy after a loss. Nothing, nothing will ever replace Isaac. My little girl is almost 3 months old now and there is not a day that goes by that I still do not ache for her big brother Gavin. I was almost 35 weeks pregnant before I could paint his room. It is hard, but every day you will continue to love Isaac and honor his memory and legacy. You are such a strong woman, I admire your faith and grace. I can't wait to see pictures of her nursery.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

I love how God does that, just enough grace for the moment you are in. That's how it has been for us during our current pregnancy after losing our daughter in May. My baby in heaven is Eliana. I love her name and its meaning so much, and I think it's so special that you will have "God's fulfilled promise" on earth. I wish you were doing all these things for the second time too. May God continue to bring you comfort and grace, and also joy in the upcoming weeks and months ahead.

Tammy On the Go said...

this is one of the most beautiful post you have ever done...

Karen said...

What a beautiful post...looking ahead scares me so, but finding and reading other women's testimonies of God's unfailing grace has been a source of encouragement to me...

Rachel Tenpenny Crawford said...

We bought a house, an entire house, to prepare for the arrival of our twins. There was not room in our tiny appartment for two more babies. Before we moved in to our house we had it painted and I picked out the perfect orangish-yellow for my girls' room to be accented with a rich deep pink and chocolate brown. It was going to be beautiful. But three weeks after we moved in I went into premature labor and after a few weeks of hoping and praying they went to heaven. I still call the nursery Aubrey and Ellie's room. It is empty now. I'm not ready yet to make it a guest room and it has been 18 months. I might never be ready. I miss my girls and know the pain of taking cribs that won't be needed back down and putting the double stroller in the corner of the gargage with the two infant seats piled on top. It is hard. You were very strong. Thank you for sharing.

Jusika The Blogger said...

You are a very strong person Stacy. I will pray for you on your journey. I can't imagine having another child after what I have been through so I am very proud of you for doing this.

SUSI said...

Hi Stacy -

what a beautiful post and so well said. Even though we are not re-painting Lucas' room for his little brother, we are planning on adding some "new touches" to the room to make it special for his brother as well. It is so hard to change anything in the room since it feels like we are moving Lucas out of there. I am glad you found a nice cedar chest to keep Isaac's things in and have them close to you.

Hugs,
Susi

jen said...

Stacy~

I know those feelings all too well. Even though we built a new house before Bella was born, there was still that feeling of, "I never got to do this with Logan's room." We were buying the things to work on it the week before I went into labor with him at 31 weeks. I still waited until past 33 weeks to even begin to get Bella's room ready because I was so afraid of having to pack everything away again. But, as you said, God took care of me and led me through. Here we are, 2 little girls' bedrooms later and I still can't help but wonder what my little boy's room would have looked like. May God continue to bless you, Spencer, Isaac and sweet Baby Eliana!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

He is always faithful to give just enough grace for each moment...for each step, and I'm so grateful. May you continue to feel His grace in all of the moments to come, dear friend. And may there be some moments of sweet joy in preparing Eliana's nursery...

Love to you...

belle said...

i sooooo get this! when those strangers look at me incredulously and ask if "those are all yours????" i tell them , yes and i have four more that are not with me! 8 in all. and it breaks my heart in half! no matter how many i have here on earth, they will never replace the ones in heaven. no matter how many family portraits we smile for- there are always going to be missing pieces. i too have furniture that has to go back into storage because we don't need it now. it's horrible.

no one understands that horrible contradiction of resting in the peace of knowing that we will see them all again and the sadness of marking the anniversaries of what we expected to have here.

i'm so glad that God is big enough to understand it all!

Mrs. H said...

I understand your tug of feelings... in our situation, looking back, as a blessing, we had not found out what we were having with our past pregnancy and therefore didn't work too hard on prepping a nursery. We had a bassinet and that would suffice at first. Fast forward to 36 wks in that pregnancy and I delivered our son stillborn. Fast forward another nine monts and we discovered we were pregnant again. This time we found out the sex and I started collecting blue for our new son. I had the greatest desire to decorate and get the room ready (as if that would make him arrive sooner or something), yet also felt the biggest sense of dread, what if I lost this child and had a room full of baby things... now my second son has arrived, healthy and alive. However, some days I still say "Nathan's room" vs. my second son's name. It's still a process...

Misty Rice said...

I can't wait to see pictures of her room. It sounds so sweet from the little hints here and there.

I have no answers for you. Just hugs and prayers. I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't . I just have hugs and prayers. I wish I could take some of this frustration, hurt and sadness away, but I can't, I just have hugs and prayers. I wish I could hug you in person, but I can't, I just have hugs and prayers. I wish I had answers.......

But I dont...

I just have hugs and prayers.

God Bless Friend.

Mari-Beth said...

I totally understand what you are saying here. We are pretty much in the same boat with our situation and finding balance. God bless you.

Jen said...

Oh Stace...

Is there something in the room you could paint blue? Would that help?

Michelle R said...

Stace, I am so overwhelmed right now. I just think of all you've had to go through and my heart ACHES. He is safe and whole and his sister will know him because of you and Spence. Your love for Isaac will never fade. He is your son, and you are his mom...forever:)

Jess said...

Hi Stacy, I just wanted to tell you, I've been making some Christmas ornaments, and made one for Isaac. If you want, you can e-mail me your address at butterflyelli@yahoo.com, and I would love to send it to you.

Dandle Dreams said...

How hard it must be for you, when the story that you wish for is not the same as you mind knows. I hope that you find the strength to prepare the room for Eliana while still carrying the loss of Isaac.

lovinghenry said...

((((((((STACEY)))))))))

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. I have been reading your blog for the past year and a half. I recently suffered an ectopic pregnancy, and remembering your story throughout my experience truly gave me strength.