How's the Grief?

I've been asked this question, How's the grief?, a handful of times since Eliana has been born. Most of those who have asked are mothers who have lost a child themselves, and are keen enough to know that having a new baby at home doesn't erase the grief of missing the child you've lost.

So, how is the grief?

It's different. My arms no longer ache with emptiness since Eliana is now here for me to snuggle... and she loves to snuggle! My longing to raise a child has been met through Eliana's presence, even though my longing to raise Isaac will forever be unfulfilled. With that, comes a new dimension of grief. Prior to Eliana's sweet arrival, I understood only in theory what I was missing out on with Isaac not here; now, I understand its reality.

Like any mother of two, there are days when I feel torn about loving both of my children well... and the fact that Isaac isn't here, makes that even more unique. It's things like trying to balance reading up on a plan for starting solids with Eliana, while finding time to maintain this blog; or, balancing running to Target for diapers and wipes with time to spend at the cemetery; and even something like finding time to both play with Ellie and work on this year's golf tournament. There's a part of me that feels guilty for not having the same amount of time to pour into things having to do with Isaac as I once did; and yet I wouldn't trade Eliana's presence here and my time with her for anything.

So the grief is different, yet I know that in some ways it is still the same. The missing is there. It still stings when we go out to eat and the hostess asks us, "Just three?" Yes... I think... JUST three. And I know that as another October 7th rolls around, the weight of Isaac not being here will settle in again; it's almost as if I have come to learn to expect the ebbs and flows of it all much better now.

I am grateful to know that even though I sometimes feel like a mess trying to balance it all... laughing one minute with Eliana as she giggles, then tearing up the next as I flip through Isaac's photo album and tell her about her big brother... that God meets me in that. He honors the struggle in balancing great joy with great sorrow, and provides the grace in order to walk that fine line well.

Stay tuned in the next few days... I have lots of recent pictures of my precious little Ellie to upload :)