Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How's the Grief?

I've been asked this question, How's the grief?, a handful of times since Eliana has been born. Most of those who have asked are mothers who have lost a child themselves, and are keen enough to know that having a new baby at home doesn't erase the grief of missing the child you've lost.

So, how is the grief?

It's different. My arms no longer ache with emptiness since Eliana is now here for me to snuggle... and she loves to snuggle! My longing to raise a child has been met through Eliana's presence, even though my longing to raise Isaac will forever be unfulfilled. With that, comes a new dimension of grief. Prior to Eliana's sweet arrival, I understood only in theory what I was missing out on with Isaac not here; now, I understand its reality.

Like any mother of two, there are days when I feel torn about loving both of my children well... and the fact that Isaac isn't here, makes that even more unique. It's things like trying to balance reading up on a plan for starting solids with Eliana, while finding time to maintain this blog; or, balancing running to Target for diapers and wipes with time to spend at the cemetery; and even something like finding time to both play with Ellie and work on this year's golf tournament. There's a part of me that feels guilty for not having the same amount of time to pour into things having to do with Isaac as I once did; and yet I wouldn't trade Eliana's presence here and my time with her for anything.

So the grief is different, yet I know that in some ways it is still the same. The missing is there. It still stings when we go out to eat and the hostess asks us, "Just three?" Yes... I think... JUST three. And I know that as another October 7th rolls around, the weight of Isaac not being here will settle in again; it's almost as if I have come to learn to expect the ebbs and flows of it all much better now.

I am grateful to know that even though I sometimes feel like a mess trying to balance it all... laughing one minute with Eliana as she giggles, then tearing up the next as I flip through Isaac's photo album and tell her about her big brother... that God meets me in that. He honors the struggle in balancing great joy with great sorrow, and provides the grace in order to walk that fine line well.

Stay tuned in the next few days... I have lots of recent pictures of my precious little Ellie to upload :)

14 comments:

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

praying for you as October approaches. Looking forward to see updated pictures...

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

totally understand those feelings. :)
Hugs mama!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I understand this "dance of grief and joy" (as Angie calls it) quite well, my friend. It is the dance we will take part in for the rest of our days on earth.

Love to you...and continued prayers as you balance the dance...

mommara said...

I was just thinking of you this week. You are always in our prayers. I am sure though I could not imagine it is quite the balancing act.

Stephanie said...

Thank you for always being so honest.

Looking forward to more pics soon!!

The Writer Chic said...

I was just thinking about this, and thinking about getting your take on it.

I've felt a new flavor of the grief of losing Duncan recently, and I've not yet found a way to describe it.

I've also realized that I think about/fear/imagine Erin dying on me WAY more than I EVER did with Seth as a baby. I hate that.

SUSI said...

Your post is so on point and just delicately describes what what is going on in my head lately these days. Max and I are were just kissing Lucas's picture good night as the tears started rolling down my cheeks and I held on to his little brother even a little more tightly.

It is such a balancing act and I realized that we will continue to juggle the joys with sorrows for the rest of our lives.

Hugs,
Susi

RG said...

What an awesome person you must be. Your husband and daughter are quite fortunate to have you in their lives.

My wife and I too know the grief that accompanies the death of a child. Thank you for sharing with us.

Mel said...

I've been a reader (lurker) for months...but had to stop to tell you that you've touched SO many lives...even beyond what you know. :) Your site is a blessing.

Thank you so much for your ministry. *hugs*

Tammy On the Go said...

beautiful post. I watch you closer now that my best friend has lost her son. trying to figure out how to be there and understand and try to be te best friend I can be during this time.

joanne said...

I'm really sorry for your loss. Your baby is an angel. I posted your blog on my FB page, grieflossrecovery.com

Carly said...

Thinking of you so much my dear friend. It is so hard to figure out how to go about life in the regular world when you don't feel too regular at all. Lots of love and prayers, Carly

Amanda said...

Stacy,

Praying for you as you continue to try and balance your grief and joy. I know it can be a struggle, I am trying to balance it all too after losing Gavin and having Emerson. Thank you as always for sharing.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

ewoods said...

Stacy,
I have followed your blog from the beginning; I "met" you on the nest chat boards. I have always been amazed by your strength. You are an amazing woman and your faith is inspiring. I pray for you always and will continue to pray for you as October approaches. God bless you and your beautiful family of four.