Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Pregnancy Post I Hadn't Planned on Writing

I know I still need to get caught up on an Easter post, too :)

But for today, this is the pregnancy post I hadn't planned on writing. No, I am not pregnant... at least not anymore. I debated whether or not to even blog about this, but felt that it was important to do so, mostly so that it might potentially somehow help someone else.

Earlier this month, I miscarried. Again.

I didn't start this blog until I was pregnant with Isaac and we had received news of his prognosis; but prior to conceiving him, I had a missed miscarriage with our first baby at 13 weeks. I remember that time so clearly... being pregnant for the first time and blissfully unaware that anything bad could happen. I do, though, remember asking my OB at a prenatal visit I had around 10-11 weeks what my risks were of miscarrying at that point, and he shared that since the baby's heartbeat had been detected on the doppler, the risk at that point was small.

Yet we found the narrow odds... and I was devastated.

I remember sitting in small group one night as we were watching and discussing the NOOMA video entitled "Rain." I just broke down and and started sobbing. Around the same time, my mother-in-law had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer (and she has been in remission for some time now! Praise God...). Things felt so hard and I was so ready for the rainy storms to pass. I wanted sunshine and rainbows again.

Little did I know what was a few months around the corner, and that Spencer and I would walk through what has unarguably been the most difficult circumstance of our life: losing Isaac.

Difficult trials and circumstances that we have walked through in the past certainly don't preclude us from experiencing them in the present or future; Job would certainly attest to that. And I know some of you would, too.

So earlier this month, I experienced another miscarriage. It was very early, and truthfully, I am okay. I suppose that for me, while there is some disappointment and frustration, I guess it all feels sort of relative to what we've experienced in the past. For us, having lost Isaac has caused this to not sting so badly; but I recognize that for some, an early miscarriage even at 4-5 weeks would be devastating... and I want you to know that it is okay to feel that way.

I hope that for those of you who have lost a child and desire to have more children, this post serves as some encouragement for you that you will be okay even in the midst of more hardship. God is so faithful in meeting us where we are, providing enough grace and peace for each moment, and I know He will do the same for you, too. It is in times like this that I look back on God's past faithfulness and am reminded that He will continue to be faithful in the present and the future.

Psalm 57:10 says "For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."

I pray that truth would encourage your heart today.

27 comments:

Sonya said...

OH Stacy I am so very sorry. Thank you for sharing and for speaking of God's faithfulness. God's mercy is unfailing and he is faithful forever no matter what our heads may think.

Kristin said...

Sarah
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I agree it hurts regardless of when it happens....ours was at 4-5 weeks and I was devestated. Then I would hear about people who had lost a full term son/daughter and I would wonder if I was being silly feeling my loss like I did. But I think each of us grieves in our own way...and we should all be allowed to do that. I will be praying for you and Spencer during this time!
Kristin

Runblondie26 said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Stacy. You and Spencer have a wonderful perspective in spite of these difficult events that keep coming your way.

Miche said...

I'm so sorry Stacy. On that same note you are so very strong for gathering the courage to try it all again.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you guys as you try to add to your family.

(hugs)

Christi said...

Stacy,
Thinking of you. Having experienced early and later losses, a baby is a baby. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Christi

melissa said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm so glad you decided to share about it. I also had a later miscarriage with my first pregnancy, found many things wrong with the baby during my second pregnancy and expected her not to live (but she did! miraculously) and then just miscarried again this past fall. We didn't even tell people about the third pregnancy because I felt like such the pregnancy drama queen! Now we're on to baby #4 and things are OK so far. It's just so encouraging to hear how others handle grief! Thanks again for sharing.

Miranda said...

Thinking of you.

Praying for you.

Thank you for encouraging us even in the midst of your grief.

The Writer Chic said...

You've been on my heart, in light of this recent loss. I know compared to the heartache of giving Isaac back, it isn't as hard, but still, I know how breath-taking the reality of the stats can be: four pregnancies, one baby here with you. It's hard. Mine are 7/2....

So, anyway...I'm glad that I know now how you're feeling, and know you are never very far from my thoughts or heart.

Lis said...

First, I am so very sorry, Stacey. I so wish you did not have to write it, but I thank you that you did.

You see as I scrolled my Google Reader, your post fell right below mine (yes, I subscribe to my own blog so I can see how it looks on the reader, ha!). And today I shared about my own miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy experience.

Today begins the two-year mark since it happened. I know how much it hurts. :(

Praying for you today.

Lis said...

I would like to link to you tomorrow and share the verse you did in a follow-up post I have scheduled for tomorrow. I hope that is okay.

asplashofsunshine said...

You are such a strong woman... and most importantly, MOTHER! So sorry for your loss. While I can not relate whatsoever, I can appreciate your braveness to share your life and experiences.

Julie said...

What a brave woman you are to share the hard things. It's easy to blog about how cute Ellie is (and oh, she is!!), but it takes so much more to be that transparent. Thanks for letting us into your world, even though I'm so sorry that this happened. :(

Sara said...

I am very sorry about your miscarriage. I will keep you in my thoughts!

Momma said...

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting so beautifully. Your words are encouragement to so many.

Jacksmom said...

I'm so sorry.

Deb said...

Thank you for sharing. It means so much. I will hold you and your family in prayer.

Kjirstin C said...

Stacy, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I miscarried last year around 6 weeks and also fell into the devastated category! Mostly I just felt silly since it was so early, but I still felt the ache for a while. I'll be praying for you as you walk through yet another loss, it certainly doesn't seem fair for someone who has been through so much. Thank you for your testimony and the encouragement that your faith is even through everything!

30loves said...

Stacy,
I'm sorry to hear this, thank you for sharing as it is true that God does hold us close through those hard times.

madison said...

i am so sorry, Stacy! you are such an inspiration to me! The Lord just shines through your writing as he has gifted you so greatly! Thanks for always being open and honest. i will be praying for you and your sweet family!

Malory said...

So very sorry.

Jennifer said...

I am sorry for your loss.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Stacy...I'm so sorry. Sending love and prayers...

TheSpeights said...

I feel so guilty commenting on this considering I've never experienced loss like you have. I am praying for you guys and thinking of your babies in Heaven. We have chatted over email briefly when I was seeking some advice for a friend who had a stillborn a year ago. I know it's easy to ask God WHY?! I know I do when times are rough. I know that God has a purpose for us all (even those we've lost) so I feel like life's heartaches are somehow supposed to play into a bigger plan. God doesn't hurt us, but He is with us always. I am so sorry for your loss, again. I can not even begin to imagine the emotional rollercoaster you and your family have been on. You are not alone. You have an army of people praying for you.

Kristin (kekis) said...

I'm sorry, Stacy. Even when you've had a m/c and it's early, it still stinks because you're left with another piece of emptiness. Hope that God fills that space for you.

Crystal Theresa said...

i'm so sorry for your loss. i'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to another little one.

thank you, Stacy, for sharing your heart and for using your story, your babies to lift others up.

((hugs))

Wonder Woman said...

I SO wanted to copy the last paragraph of this post and link it . But your blog doesn't allow that, so i'll just say THANK YOU For that statement. "God provides enough grace and peace..." to get us through the hard moments. I really felt rejuvenated by your words today. Thank you.

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