High Five

This sweet girl...


who turns 15 months old this week,

has developed the cute habit lately of wanting to give everyone and everything she sees a "hi-fi" (high five). Whether it's me or Spencer, the checkout lady at the grocery store, other little kids in our street, the characters in her books (which may or may not be human)... everyone and everything deserves a "hi-fi" in her book. It is precious.

Part of our bedtime routine with Eliana, after reading some books, brushing teeth, and saying our prayers, includes going into her room, looking at Isaac's picture, and blowing him kisses. It's so sweet how at this point, all Ellie needs to hear is, "Okay, let's blow Isaac kisses good night," and she immediately turns in the direction of his picture and does so with an enthusiastic "mmmmmwah!"

On Wednesday, though, when she was done blowing kisses, she looked at his picture and said, "Hi-fi? Hi-fi?" My heart melted... and my eyes swelled with tears.

I quietly explained to Eliana how sweet it is that she wants to give her brother a high five, but that right now, he can't give her a high five back. I told her, like I often do, how Isaac is in heaven with God, and that one day, she would be able to give him all of the high fives she wanted. And again, I felt that very real tension between the hope of eternity, and the reality of Isaac's absence on this side of heaven.

It's these little things, the unreturned high fives, that are subtle reminders of Isaac's absence, and how we still long it wasn't so. It's these bittersweet moments when I look at Ellie and am so thankful for the precious gift that she is, and yet am hit square in the face (and the heart) with the missing... even over 2 1/2 years later.

Some have asked me, "At what point do you just move on or get over it and be happy?" And I think this story is such a great response to this question, because it so delicately illustrates the constant balance between the joy that God has graciously restored to our lives and our family, and the missing that, in ever changing capacities, is there.

I don't really know if there are high fives in heaven... but part of me would like to think that maybe there are :)