Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Days Fly By

Someone once shared with me that as a mom of young children, it can feel as though the days move slowly but the years fly by. I suppose some days for me are like that, particularly if Eliana decides she doesn't feel like napping. Mostly, however, our days are full... not necessarily with huge plans or a jam packed schedule; but full of laughter, kisses, snuggles, books, songs, pretending, and the simple joys of getting to me Eliana's mommy. The years... or more accurately in our case, weeks and months... do feel like they're flying be.
How in the world am I already 24 weeks pregnant? I am one of those people (who some call crazy for this) who loves being pregnant. I truly do. And there's a part of me that's a little sad about the fact that this pregnancy is moving so quickly. I am eagerly looking forward to meeting Isaac and Eliana's little brother (whom we have named Jacob!); but I really do love the pregnancy part, too.
And how in the world did this little cutie get to be almost 19 months old already?

It amazes me that she has grown and changed and learned so much in what is actually such little time.

Most of all, how has it been nearly three years since I met my sweet Isaac? Has it really been that long? Sometimes it feels like a few weeks ago that we were holding him; yet at the same time, in some ways it feels like another lifetime. In less than two weeks we will celebrate his 3rd birthday... which in many ways is unfathomable to me. 2008 sounds like a long time ago.

There is so much about fall that I love-- the crisp cooler air, all things apple and pumpkin, football... I could go on. Yet this season is a poignant reminder to me of all that was lost... who was lost. I remember so clearly back to October of 2008, walking into the hospital the morning Isaac was to be born, and it still felt somewhat like summer. By the time we left to go home, leaving the hospital holding a picture of my boy instead of my little boy himself, it was as if the seasons had changed overnight... a seemingly fit metaphor for my internal state. And as the leaves fell that autumn, it was as if they were mimicking the the trails of tears that often flowed.

It's a strange thing to approach Isaac's third birthday not only with Eliana here, but also with his little brother Jacob in the womb... a juxtaposition of expectancy for this little life growing inside of me, and a longing for his big brother who is still so deeply missed.

This past week I had the opportunity to attend a MOPS dessert with other moms of young children... many of whom attend our church. I was sitting and talking with a few moms I hadn't met before, and as we got to talking, a few of them put together who I was... and one of them asked about Isaac. I am so grateful. It's not often with having Eliana here, and now being pregnant with Jacob, that I get to talk about him. Of course I love talking about Ellie, and about how this pregnancy is going; but like any mother, I love all of my kids and deeply appreciate the opportunity to talk about Isaac, too... especially this time of year as the missing becomes more pronounced.

I was getting Eliana up from a nap recently, and she pointed to my tummy and said, "Geebock!" (her pronunciation of Jacob). I said, "That's right, Ellie! Jacob is in Mommy's tummy!" I have explained to her that Jacob is her little brother, just like Isaac is her big brother. So she continues and says, "Geebock. Ellie's brother" and chuckles. Then she looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Isaac's brother, too."

And I fought hard to contain the tears.

I am so glad she knows.

15 comments:

Lauren said...

can't believe you were able to fight those tears :) my eyes are full of them and I wasn't there! the things our babies say blow me away.

Ellie said...

I am one of those women, too, that utterly loves pregnancy and childbirth. Yes, even the giving birth part. Especially that part:)
Congrats on the baby. My youngest daughter was born in November 08, and I was working during the summer leading up to that. (I stopped at the end of August, and remain a stay at home mom) Every day at work (shh, don't tell my ex-boss) I would read your blog. It was very poignant to me to follow Isaac's story, as I was carrying my own child at the same time and could only sit there in tears imagining if I was in your shoes. I hope that is not the wrong thing to say. I am very happy for you.

Sonya said...

:) she knows and she will always know. what a beautiful story! I am surprised that you could hold back the tears when she said that because I sure can't when I am just reading it. I have a coworker whose son, also named Isaac, was born in January and lived for 14 short days before passing. Any time she wants to talk about him I listen and engage in conversation with her about him.

I love the name Jacob and gosh he will be here so soon! I hope that it goes by slowly enough for you to enjoy the rest of your time being pregnant.

whippetmom said...

sweet baby girl! I love Jacob's name and am glad you were able to share Isaac with some new moms. You are such a strong mama :)

Sarah said...

Oh Stacy, you have such a beautiful way with words. You have a way of expressing so much of what I am feeling/have felt as we continue to live life without Andrew and now Savannah. And I had to choke back some tears with that last story about Ellie. I'm so glad she knows too.

GreenGirl said...

Three years! TIME DOES FLY!
Jacob is such a blessed baby to be surrounded with so much love!

Taylor said...

So precious. You make awesome babies, Stacy!

mommyof2sons said...

Your post brought me to tears when I read what Ellie said about her brothers. SO sweet!!

mommyof6(1inheaven) said...

Stacy,

I know the feeling of joy when you get to talk about the baby in Heaven. I got a few chances this week to talk about my Isaac. I love it and it brings a smile to my heart. This past Wednesday marked 2 months since we said goodbye to our Isaac. In some ways it feels longer than 2 months and others like it was just yesterday.

I'm so excited that this pregnancy is going good. I love being pregnant too. But I am afraid that because of losing Isaac so early that when we get pregnant again, that I may not be able to enjoy it.

Carly said...

Tears...Oh my gosh, sweet Ellie, yes, he is Isaac's and Ellie's little brother, I can imagine your heart just melted. Geebock, that is absolutely adorable! Sending you all lots of love and prayers.

jmh said...

"Isaac's brother too"

That made me tear up, Stacy. Oh the things that kids understand that we don't think they do or don't realize they do. I'm so glad she knew:)

And talking about Isaac must warm your heart and you guys must really make Isaac a part of life with Eliana for her to know him so well. I think that is just awesome! Eliana and Jacob are so blessed to have parents who make Isaac a part of their lives.

xoxo

Lisa said...

And now I tear up. So sweet.

Kincaid said...

thinking of you and your family today....I will always remember your sweet Isaac and his too short, but beautiful life on this earth!

Sincerely,

Kristen

Michaelanne said...

I absolutely cracked up at Geebock!! That is totally adorable. Poor kid will be known as Geebock forever. One of my little brothers will always and forever be Whammy Harjo with purple eyes and green hair because that's what I wanted my parents to adopt when I was 3.Don't ask, I have no clue... My baby brother named the same Whammy Harjo brother cha cha when he was born and still calls him that to this day. I can't believe it's been 3 years. Ellie is precious and I know that baby Geebock will be also.

Jennifer said...

That is so touching. On a smaller scale I know what this is like. We never met our baby, but lost him(?) to miscarriage. my daughter who was not yet two at the time has been so observant and astoundingly intuitive about the entire journey. Our loss happened in early November so I too have this time of year linked to some sadness.

My girls (we had a healthy baby after the loss) both talk about our baby Jordan now. I, like you, am so thankful for their awareness.