Maternity Pictures

I've been waiting to update so that I could share some maternity pictures with you. We met up with a wonderful photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation who took some photos for us at a park near our house. Bill did a fabulous job, and I am in awe that such a service for parents in our position exists.

I will update on doctors appointments and such in a few days. But for now, enjoy...

Ultrasound Update

We had another ultrasound today, and it was fun to be able to see Isaac. At one point during the ultrasound, I started to get really hot and dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. It was kind of weird. The tech said it had something to do with layign on my back and some artery. She had me lay on my left side and Spencer held a fan in front of my face; after a few minutes I felt better.

The doctor with whom we met today was wonderful. She was great with answering my questions, taking her time scanning, and be very honest about what she was seeing. As things seem to go these days, we found yet another complication. Because the omphalocele (the umbilical hernia) is adhered to my uterine wall, Isaac hasn't been able to move about freely as most babies do. Consequently, the umbilical cord is very, very short (um, 5 cm??). As the doctor put it, it hasn't really had a need to grow any longer since Isaac is pretty much in one spot. She assured me that this would not have any adverse effects on me, but that it could complicate Isaac's delivery. She was great about making sure that information would be clearly communicated to my OB's office so that they were well aware of it.

Please continue to pray that we would enjoy our "visits" with Isaac, for guidance as Spencer and I have lots of pretty significant decisions to make in the next few weeks, and for hearts of comfort and peace in the weeks to come. Please also continue to pray for us as we begin the school year and take on the added stresses that accompany that. We would also appreciate your prayers for all of the many doctors involved in caring for us and for Isaac, that our story would be a testament of who God is and also that God would be preparing everything for as smooth of a delivery as possible for Isaac. Please also don't stop praying for a miracle.

And now... the pictures...

Contradictions

I was talking with someone yesterday about our journey with Isaac, and in doing so, expressed my frustration with so many contradictions we have encountered in this journey... the contradiction of who we know God to be and the reality of what's happening, the contradiction of growing a life inside of you while preparing for loss and yet still trying to maintain some ounce of hope in what God could still do.

Those contradictions became a reality for us on Monday. We visited the folks at the funeral home and cemetery in order to have an idea of what we would need to do to prepare for our loss of Isaac should God not choose to intervene and instead call him home. I can honestly say it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. The whole time we were there I just felt so... guilty... as if the conversations we were having I didn't want Isaac to overhear. The whole time he was moving around like crazy, and all I could keep thinking was, "How could this be happening? Is this really real?"

We found out that the cemetery has a special place for babies and young children. It's not in the ideal location of the cemetery, but this particular cemetery is closest to our house, and that is important to Spencer and I. The folks at the funeral home were also incredibly helpful. None of those consolations could erase, though, the depth of the sadness that it brought both Spencer and I to be preparing for the arrival of our son in this way. Instead of cribs and carseats, we're looking at caskets. And instead of painting a nursery, we're choosing a burial plot. Since when did welcoming a new life mean preparing for his passing? I don't think I fully realized the depth of this contradiction until Monday.

We would greatly appreciate your prayers as we continue to make some decisions with regard to these arrangements. We also have another ultrasound tomorrow and would treasure your prayers for that as well... that we would enjoy our time getting to "see" Isaac and "be" with him. Most of all, with the school year about ready to start, which of course means added business and stress, would you please pray that God would continue to just carry us through this, that He would guard our hearts with His perfect peace, that He would continue to strengthen us to love Isaac deeply for the time we have with him, and that He would continue to teach us what it means to rely on His grace for each moment? Thank you for continuing to walk this road with us.

For One More Day

WARNING: This is a long post and is a little bit all over the place :) Don't say I didn't warn you. Stick with me until the end... that's where the pictures are. :)

Our trip to Bethany was great. It always is. Each year my Dad rents this house that is ocean block, so it's a short walk to the beach. The house is a great beach house... mismatched furniture, outdated paint... the place is indistructable, and has a lot of "beachy" character. It's a great place to relax, and you're never worried about messing up something in the house, since you pretty much can't.

We had wonderful weather... not a drop of rain. I had the chance to play some games on the beach, go for walks with Spence, jump waves in the ocean, do a little Sudoku, and sit and read a few books. If you're looking for a good, mindless, funny book, I highly recommend Emily Griffin. Sort of like the Shopaholic series, but different. I read another book about losing a baby, and there was some good information in it. I started, and have yet to finish (even though it's short) C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed. C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite authors, and here he discusses the anguish of losing his wife to cancer. It's taken me a while to get through this book because it is so full of statements that cause me to stop and really think. One such statement was this:

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.

There have been so many things through this journey that Spencer and I have had to decide what we truly believe about them... things like if it's ever okay to terminate a pregnancy, what we believe about medical intervention and life support, and needless to say, who we truly believe God to be.

Lewis continues by talking about how the Bible admonishes us to not mourn like those who have no hope. I have mentioned in the past how the whole idea of hope in our circumstances is something I have been having a hard time wrapping my head around. Hope for what? For a miracle? For future children? Lewis provides a great explanation...

What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any time, will she have her son on he knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan his future, or see her grandchild.

In a way, it was a source of great comfort to be reminded that Isaac isn't going to lose what he was created for. He is going to be able to be with Jesus. It was a source of comfort, too, to know that through all of this, neither Spencer or I are losing a greater thing... our relationships with God. And in those things, we can continue to have hope. But there's truth to the last part of what Lewis was saying about how there's still a sense of loss with regard to motherhood, and the times I would want to enjoy with Isaac.

That's the part that made our trip to Bethany bittersweet. Growing up, we always went to the beach in the summer. I remember digging deep holes in the sand, making sandcastle villages, jumping waves with my Dad... many of my favorite memories were made there. I saw little children all over the place making those same memories with their parents this past week, and it was excruciating at times to be looking at a reality that won't be, barring God's intervention, for our sweet Isaac. I wanted so badly to be sitting there this summer thinking that next summer, I can take Isaac in the surf. Or that next summer, I could carry him as Spencer and I take a walk on the beach.

I titled this post "For One More Day" because as I was sitting there having those thoughts, I recalled a book I read a while back by Mitch Albom that has that title. The book is essentially about what you would do if you had one more day with a person that you love and had lost. Somehow, as I was thinking about that, I found myself asking God for just one more day with Isaac... one more day to be able to jump the waves while he's in my tummy, one more day to be able to sit and watch the sun rise and tell him all about it...one more day to feel him wiggle and kick.

This whole process has caused me to look at life so differently. I am not sure I can fully articulate that yet, except to say that I have certainly learned to be so much more grateful for one more day. It's easy to get caught up in the tempo of life with work, commitments, and other things going on, that we forget to be grateful for just another day with the people we love. That in itself is a gift.

And now, the long-awaited pictures from our trip....

Mornings at the beach...





Isaac's name...






Little photo shoot compliments of my sister...








Other random photos...

Bethany Bound

Hello,

I wish that I had some updates or something new to share here, but truthfully things have pretty much remained the status quo. Isaac is still moving and kicking away, which I love. Last night seemed to be one of his wiggliest nights yet, and Spencer and I loved just laying there and feel him move all around. Spence also noticed that Isaac's kicks seem to be getting harder, and it was neat for him to be able to share in that.

Tomorrow we leave for a week at Bethany Beach with my family. I am really looking forward to getting away... sometimes a change of scenery can be a much needed thing. I also happen to be particularly fond of the beach, and am looking forward to spending some quiet mornings on the beach. My sister is going to take some maternity pictures for Spencer and I, too. I am really looking forward to that.

While I am gone, we won't have access to a computer or the internet, so unfortunately no updates here. I'll be keeping up with my letters to Isaac in a journal and then typing them up when I get home.

There are a few things that, while we're gone, we'd love for you to continue to pray about...

First, would you please continue to seek God in asking Him for a miracle in this? I have been challenged recently by the fact that I noticed I stopped praying for that shortly after we received the horrible news that day at Children's. Although I believe that God seems to be preparing us for Him to not intervene, I know that nothing is too great for Him. I also know that we can come and present our requests to God. I know he may say no, and sometimes that scares me out of even asking in the first place. But I want to ask anyway. So would you join us in that?

Secondly (which will seem a bit contradictory to the first request), the week we return from the beach we plan to meet with the folks at the cemetery. I know that is going to be an extremely difficult day. Would you please pray for strength and peace as we do that?

Lastly, would you please begin to pray for my c-section? I am very nervous about it, as I have a pretty intense fear of needles and a very low pain tolerance. I am also fearful of complications. Would you please pray that from a physical standpoint, God would allow it to be a very easy procedure, free of any complications? Would you also please pray that everything would heal in the best way possible? I know that day is going to be harder than I can fathom in so many other ways, and physical complications would only make it worse. I just want to be available and able to spend as much time with Isaac, Spencer, and the rest of our family that day without the burden of any physical complications.

Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and for continuing to walk this road with us.