One week

I can't believe it has been one week since Isaac was born and went to be with Jesus. I miss him so much.

Lately, my whole concept of time has been completely altered... anticipating Isaac's birth in months, then weeks, then days, then hours... and now feeling as though the distance between today and when we met him is growing too long too quickly.While we were visiting Isaac's grave yesterday, I looked down and the temporary marker that's there and just studied it...

Isaac Timothy Delisle

October 7, 2008

Age: 16 minutes

Those words were just a dagger through my heart. Minutes. My son's life is measured in minutes. They were the sweetest 16 minutes of my life. That fact changes everything.

It makes me understand more clearly all of the scriptures that talk about our lives being but a vapor compared to eternity. In the past, that concept was too vast for me to wrap my mind around; now, to some degree, I understand. It makes it easier for me to distinguish the important from the unimportant, and seeing what truly matters. It helps me to understand when we are exhorted to "make the most of every opportunity..." because I think that time is something we often take for granted, seeing it as some sort of endless commodity, brushing important things aside thinking we'll get to them "later."

For us, there isn't "later." And it is a strange thing for parents to figure out how to say everything they'd want to say to their child in a lifetime in just a few short minutes... to hug them, kiss them, snuggle with them, and love them enough in 16 minutes to account for the years that will be missed. I am so thankful that, as some of you have shared with me, we were able to love Isaac his entire life... that the love we were able to give him was so raw, so deep, so pure, and so true. And I am thankful that we were able to just still hold him for hours later that day... to continue to snuggle with him, love him, and just take him all in.

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to navigate this uncharted territory... trying to understand how to grieve, dealing with so many conflicting emotions, and just really, really missing our son. We are grateful for all of your prayers and encouraging words.

Heavy

Heavy. It's the only word I know to describe my heart and my arms right now.

I am really missing my sweet Isaac today. In some ways, coming home from the hospital has brought some comfort; yet in other ways, I wish I could go back. It's the place where my son was born, the place where I held him, the place where it didn't feel as if the whole world was "business as usual" while my world had been shattered.

I miss holding him and kissing his little nose and his face over and over again... I miss the way it feels when he wrapped his little hand around my finger... I miss the softness of his little feet... and I miss the smell of my little baby boy. I want to be able to tell him one more time how much I love him and how proud of him I am.

We are so grateful for the outpouring of love, encouragement, and support that so many of you have offered us... and to many of you, we are complete strangers. We are also grateful for the way God continues to carry us... through his word, and through the encouragement and prayers of His people. We hope that many of you (those that are nearby at least) will be able to join us for Isaac's memorial service next weekend.

Memorial Service and Isaac's Playground

Family and Friends,

A Memorial Service to honor Isaac's life will be held on

Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 10:00 am
Cedarbrook Community Church
23700 Stringtown Road
Clarksburg, MD 20871

All are welcome to attend.

In memory of Isaac, we will be having a playground built at our church, Mountain View Community Church. We just broke ground on our new facility, and the hope is that both the facility and the playground will be completed next fall.

In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made and sent to Mountain View Community Church for Isaac's playground. Please be sure to write "Isaac's Playground" in the memo line. Checks may be mailed to:

Mountain View Communty Church
3401 Urbana Pike
Fredrick, MD 21704
Attention: Pam Wilson-- Isaac's Playground

Please pass this information along to any and all who may be interested.

With deepest gratitude,

Stacy and Spencer

Meet Isaac...

Information about a memorial service and about Isaac's playground will posted shortly. But for now, we wanted you to meet our sweet Isaac...

We are so grateful for your overwhelming prayers and support today... our hearts are hurting, but you have helped make the load a little bit lighter.

~ Stacy and Spencer

More Information

I will be passing on information as I get it...
Isaac weighed 4 lbs and 12 oz and almost 17'' long with fuzzy strawberry blonde hair and mommy's nose and lips and daddy's ears.
Nurse Kathy came and talked with us. Kathy was with them through the whole procedure. She said that Stacy was so courageous throughout the spinal and the c-section. She was doing 'well' but was struggling with the pain. Kathy was saying they are monitoring that closely, because Stacy wants relief from the pain but also wants to be 'with it' enough to experience this time. The grandparents and siblings are with Stacy and Spencer meeting Isaac right now.

Isaac Timothy Delisle

Family and Friends
I sit with a lack of words...

Isaac Timothy Delisle was born and was with his precious mom and dad for 16 minutes and then Jesus welcomed him home. Stacy and Spencer are able to be with him and hold him.
The doctor said he was beautiful!!
Stacy went through the surgery well. The doctor said that they both are full of great courage and strength.

More details will come when we get them.

Details about a memorial service will be coming soon. I will try to give updates as we get them.

Kirsten for Stacy and Spencer

Tuesday Morning

This will be short... it's early, and we need to leave for the hospital shortly.

I just wanted to tell you that Spencer and I are humbled when we saw the number of people who left us a comment last night. We so deeply appreciate your encouragement and your prayers.

My friend Kirsten will be updating throughout the day today.

Thank you again for continuing to pray...

~ Stacy

24

I have heard that 24 is a great TV show, though I have never watched it. It is an interesting concept, and if it were on earlier in the evening, I might be able to get into it. Waking up at 5:15 for work, though, doesn't lend itself too well to late night television.

I think it goes without saying why this post is titled what it is...I guess it could be stated as "24 hours until I get to meet my son," or, as it has been feeling to me, "24 hours is the time I know that I have left with Isaac." Either way, it seems like in a blink of an eye, I have thought of the time left until October 7 in months... then weeks... then days... and now hours. Hours.

To be honest, this morning my heart is just really heavy... heavy for the uncertainty of what the next few days will bring, heavy for Isaac and wanting so much for him to not be in pain and to just feel so loved, heavy for Spencer and his heart as a father, heavy for my parents as they prepare to meet their first grandson. The whole Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane thing that I talked about yesterday is more real to me today than it was even just yesterday.

The chorus to the first song you hear on this blog has just been in my mind a lot as I feel like we're in the "eleventh hour" and I want so much for God to intervene and make everything okay...

Can you hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him?
Can you make him feel alright?
If you can hear me,
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone,
He's my son.


Today we're going to be taking it easy again. We do need to go down to the hospital for pre-op bloodwork and to fill out some paperwork. I am hopeful that someone has alerted the people with whom we'll be interacting about our situation so that I won't have to field the painful questions of, "Is it a boy or a girl? Is the nursery finished? have you decided on a name? Are you excited?" It is so hard to know how to respond in those situations, and I am not sure I have it in me to do it today.

Please continue to pray for us, particularly in these next 24 hours. Please pray for peace today, tonight, and tomorrow; please pray that we'd be able to have joy in meeting Isaac even though we know that time will also be filled with sorrow. Spencer communicated some additional fears about all of this last night, so if you could please pray for those fears as well, that would be great. Thank you for continuing to walk with us and uphold us.

Sunday

This morning I woke up and did my usual thing of playing some music for Isaac while I write my letter to him. Then, I decided to make some coffee (decaf, of course) and sit out on our porch in one of our rocking chairs and read my Bible for a while.

It was beautiful out. The sky was blue with no traces of clouds, and the fall air was crisp, but not cold. It was the perfect weather to sit outside in my favorite sweatshirt (my beat-up Maryland sweatshirt that's faded, stretched out, and literally falling apart at the seams), with a hot cup of coffee. I started off in the Psalms... revisiting Psalm 23, Psalm 139, and finishing up memorizing Psalm 121 so that I can play it over and over in my head during my c-section.

I then went to the gospels, returning to the familiar account of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Here is the account from Matthew:

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." - Matthew 26:36-39

I could so identify with Jesus in this. Jesus knew what was set before him, and that burden deeply troubled and overwhelmed him. He also pleaded with God that if it was possible, that what He was to encounter would be taken from Him... that there would be some other way; yet He still prays for God's will to be done. I love the picture of Jesus's humanity in this passage. Even the savior of the world experienced the depths of deep sorrow and grief.

Although we don't know for sure what will happen on Tuesday, the burden of what we have been told is likely is so heavy... and so overwhelming. We keep pleading with God for a miracle, but ultimately we do desire for His will to be done and to do what will bring Him the most glory. That is not an easy prayer to pray sometimes.

On Friday when we met with our Pastor, he mentioned Paul's thorn in the flesh and how three times he asked the Lord to take it away from him. The conversation stopped there, but this morning I revisited that passage in 2 Corinthians 12. Although I remembered the gist of the fact that Paul's thorn wasn't taken away, I had forgotten God's words to him...

My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.

At church we sometimes sing the song "Your Grace is Enough." Although I know in my heart of hearts that's true, those have been words I have struggled to sing lately because truthfully, I want to know that I will get to keep my son for a while. The fact that by God's grace Isaac will be in Heaven if he isn't here with us is absolutely incredible, and a truth that brings me comfort and for which I am grateful. But there's this tension in the fact that I still want to have him here.

Today we will be taking it easy... watching the Ravens game, probably taking a nap, re-organizing my hospital bag, and trying to just spend some good time together with Isaac. I would love to go for a walk, but I am still not supposed to be up that much, so I am not sure that's in the cards.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. The list of requests in my post entitled "Thirteen" is the best place to look for specifics of how to pray for us. The only thing I might add that's been heavy on my heart lately is how I am afraid that, because of the time it will take them to stitch me up after the surgery, I won't be able to hold Isaac while he's still with us. I want to much to hold him while he's still living and breathing... would you please add that to the list of things to pray for?

Saturday

Today has been a good day.

Last night Spencer and I were able to watch his long-time friend Dave's high school football team play against a team near us (Dave is the head coach... not one of the players). Typically, we try to get to a couple of Dave's games each year down in Salisbury, but this year it doesn't seem if that will work out too well. It was nice to be able to get to see them play, and to "take" Isaac to his first live football game. I think he liked the marching band... particularly the drum line. He got a little excited when the drummers were playing!

We had a pretty lazy morning this morning, and decided to go for a picnic lunch this afternoon. It seemed as if all of Urbana was in the same Subway at the same time when we went to pick up lunch. We found a great park that we hadn't been to before that had some picnic tables right near the Monocacy River. The weather was perfect, sunny and warm with a gentle breeze. It was nice to just be outside for a while enjoying each other, Isaac's kicks and wiggles, and the beauty and serenity that surrounded us.

I am grateful for the sense of peace that God has granted me so far this weekend. My heart is of course still very heavy, and yes, there have obviously been tears. It has been hard to walk in the tension of feeling like there are so many things I want to do with Isaac before our time is up, and to balance that with just slowing down and "being" with him. It has also been hard to balance the desire to still continue to be hopeful of what God could still do with the need to prepare myself for loss. But underneath it all, there is a sense of calm rather than restlessness; and I know that that kind of peace only comes from Him alone.

We are truly grateful for your continued words of encouragement and your prayers. We need them, and we treasure them.