The Missing

It never gets easier... the missing, that is. While it changes and takes on different forms, it's still always there.

The 2nd Annual Isaac Timothy Delisle Memorial Golf Tournament is about a week away. Last night our UPS man delivered two dozen logoed golf balls for the tournament. As Spencer and I opened them up and looked, we were both once again struck by how awful it is to see your son's name as part of a memorial golf tournament. Please don't misunderstand... I am so grateful for the opportunity to do it; to have a platform from which to share about Isaac, that value of life, and the character of Christ; and to be able to raise funds for organizations that support bereaved parents and provide them with lasting memories of the precious children they've lost.

But I would much rather see my son's name in lights. To read it in the sports page of the newspaper. To have it listed on his school's honor roll page. To hear it over the loudspeaker as the starting lineup is called.

The whole concept of time has become such a paradox to me. How almost two years have seemingly flown by; and yet the last time I saw my sweet Isaac, cuddled him close, and kissed his little face feels like so long ago.

One of my favorite Psalms says this: Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).

This verse taught me so much during my time with Isaac in the womb... knowing that each of those days I had him safely snuggled in my belly was precious... that it mattered... that it counted.

And so the missing remains... I know it always will. Whether it shows up in a conversation with a stranger when the see Ellie (Is this your first? No, she's our second. Oh! How old is our first? Well, our son, Isaac, would be almost two years old, but he unfortunately passed away shortly after he was born. Oh... I am so sorry.), a visit to the cemetery, a family picture that is incomplete, or catching Eliana taking a peek at her brother's picture on the wall... it's always there. I know to expect it, but it doesn't erase the fact that it lingers. And we do our best to acknowledge it, to manage it, and to allow God to use it to keep our hearts tender towards others and postured towards Him.

A Whole New World!

Eliana has entered a whole new world this morning: the world of solids! Although, I have to admit, a first feeding of baby oatmeal looks anything but solid :)

I have also been trying my hand at making my own baby food for Ellie as well. So far, we have a stash of pureed sweet potatoes, avocado, butternut squash, and pears in the freezer. I am hoping to give green beans and peaches a shot later this week.

The single food purees don't seem to be too hard; but I would love for those of you who have made your own baby food to share a favorite recipe with me! Or, if you have any favorite websites or books about making baby foods, I would love to know about those as well!

Baby Ethan Update

Thank you so much for praying for baby Ethan and his family. Ethan was born at 12:03 on August 6th. He lived for 7 minutes, and then Jesus welcomed him home.

My heart breaks as I write that, because I know for this sweet momma, it wasn't enough time. In her most recent email to me, this mommy shared the following:

Even though it feels like I will never be whole again, I wouldn't trade that day for anything in the world.

I know that statement resonates so much with me, and I am sure it does for any parent who has lost a child. God is so faithful in picking up the pieces when your heart and world seem shattered; and yet, the missing remains.

She also sent me pictures of Ethan, and let me tell you that he is nothing short of breathtaking. A perfect little nose, sweet, delicate features, and even some hair!

Today, they will be discharged from the hospital and will return home... a transition that in and of itself is another reminder of what was lost. After all, most people don't leave the maternity ward empty handed.

Please pray for them as they leave today and return home. Please pray that their friends and family would be the hands and feet of Jesus to them.... helping to meet practical needs, just sitting with them in their grief, and lending listening ears. Please pray for God's peace to fill in their places of brokenness. Please pray as they prepare arrangements for Ethan's funeral. And, please pray for them as everyone else's life seems to get back to "business as usual" while their world is still shattered.

Finally, I know this sweet mom read all of your comments in my last post about Ethan. I would encourage you to leave your comments and prayers for them below, as I know your words will be a source of comfort for them.

5 months!

Guess who turned 5 months old on August 4th?!

And guess who is currently cutting two teeth at once?!?!

Thank goodness for her little friend Sophie the giraffe...


Teething would not be going nearly as well without her!

Eliana is an incredible blessing... she is fun and full of personality. She smiles, laughs, and babbles so much. She's curious, loves to play different versions of peek-a-boo, and enjoys being sung to. It is such an honor to be here mommy!

Today

About two weeks ago, I received an email from a mommy who is pregnant with her first child... a baby boy named Ethan. When I saw the subject line in my inbox, my heart sank: Two weeks left.

I didn't have to even open the message itself to know what I was about to read. This mommy shared how her son had been diagnosed with limb-body wall complex, and was not expected to live. She happened upon my blog when doing a google search. If you've been reading for a while, you may recall that limb-body wall complex was discussed as a possible diagnosis for Isaac (though he didn't, in fact, end up being given this diagnosis).

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, we have emailed several times, discussing things no parent ever should...

What was it like the night before you went to deliver Isaac?

How did you get through handing Isaac back over to the nurse and saying goodbye?

What should we include in Ethan's funeral service?

How did you go about picking out a casket and cemetery plot?

Yesterday I received an email from her, and in it she shared, "There isn't enough time in the world that would really be enough; but it's up now."

My heart just broke... for her, for me, and for every parent who has and will walk this road. As I read this woman's words, I remember so clearly writing similar emails myself... desperate for someone to help me navigate these uncharted waters, and feeling though I just wanted more time with my son.

Today, August 6th, will be Ethan's birthday.

I would love for you to join me in praying for this sweet mommy and her husband, for their extended family, and for Ethan. Please pray boldly for a miracle; please pray for joy as they get to meet their beautiful son face to face; please pray for peace, grace, and comfort as they will likely have to say goodbye. I am thankful that she is a woman of God, and knows that goodbye on this side of Heaven is only temporary; but the pain of losing her son is incredibly real. Thank you for joining me in praying for her.

A Lot on My Mind

We've recently returned back from 2 weeks away at the beach visiting various members of our family. Having taken well over 100 pictures, I am sure you can imagine that it is taking me a while to get them uploaded, go through them, and find the ones I love enough to consider "blog worthy." I'll post some soon... I promise.

This summer, I have had a lot on my mind... a lot that I find difficult to share on here, which I am sure accounts for the fact I haven't been blogging as regularly. I don't know if it is out of desire to protect those I love, the fear of judgement or just what. But I wanted to share some of the latest and greatest... well, I don't know that it's great... but the latest, anyway, of what's been happening.

If you remember back in May, there were all sorts of issues that arose with my maternity leave, FMLA guidelines, and securing my position at my school. I ended up going back to work for three weeks in June. In some ways, it was incredibly difficult; in other ways, the time flew because I was able to tell myself just three more weeks... just two more weeks... and so on.

Spencer and I had talked at length for a while about the financial implications of me not working, or of me working part time. We felt as though these weren't really an option at this time. While disappointed, I knew that many moms work full time... many moms I know how are really great moms. I have had a hard time shaking, though, the commonly held belief in Christian circles that women with young children shouldn't work outside the home. And to be honest, my deepest desire is, in fact, to be able to stay home with Eliana.

Several weeks ago, we were told that part of our childcare for next year fell through. While my deep desire was to be home with Ellie, and financially it didn't seem possible, I had gotten to a place where I was at peace with going back to work because of who would be watching her. When this feel through, however, it became a whole new story.

Spencer and I visited several day care centers and in home childcare providers trying to find something else that could work. Needless to say, trying to find childcare for an infant with only 7-8 weeks notice in incredibly difficult. Most of the centers we visited made me cry... I just couldn't imagine Ellie there. The in home providers we visited seemed to be managing the chaos of watching several children under the age of three or four... and I wondered where Ellie would fit into all of that. In the end, another great friend, who is soon expecting her first baby, has offered to fill in the gap that was left when our original plan for child care fell through.

While the child care search was happening, we also revisited the options of me not working, or going back to work part time. I inquired about extending my childcare leave, but that didn't really go over too well with the leave office in the county in which I teach. They suggested resignation. I then started looking at part time positions, interviewed for one, and was offered the job. In addition, a wonderful couple from our church offered me a position with the husband's company to work from home with a flexible schedule that could fit around the part time teaching job I was offered.

Seems like a no brainer, right?

This was all a very difficult process for me. One that was happening so quickly. We sought the counsel of good friends, one of our Pastors, and one of the elders in our church and his wife. However, I didn't feel like I had the time to really prayerfully consider various options, to evaluate each situation, and to come to a place where I really sensed God's peace. I didn't feel like I had enough time because of our school system's deadlines for making these sorts of decisions over the summer. When I was offered the part time teaching position, Spencer encouraged me to take it. For whatever reason, all of it just didn't sit well with me. I did a little research, and found out a few things that made me hesitant,like the fact that the size of the position (how many hours per week) can change from year to year, how these particular positions are likely to be eliminated because of ongoing cuts to our school system's budget, and how working less than 1/2 time (which this was) in our system leaves you in a precarious state as to whether or not you'll even have a job at all the following year. I expressed all of these concerns to Spencer (as much as I could in a brief phone call during his lunch break), and he was very understanding.

So I declined the part time options. And now that August is here and I go back to work in just over two weeks, my heart is full of regret.

That's a terrible place to be... in one of regret. There's a part of me that feels as though I have not only failed my husband and my daughter, but also God. I feel as though I listened to the voice of fear, rather than trusting His provision. At the same time, I had, and continue to have, such a hard time recognizing what God's provision in this was... the ability to work part time and from home? The provision of another wonderful, Christian friend to care for Eliana? I felt as though there was a right and a wrong choice, and I felt so much pressure to make the right one... and now I sit here feeling as though I have made the wrong one. In some ways, I feel as though I have chosen a job over my daughter, and to be honest, that pains my heart more than you could know. I sit there and think to myself, "Stacy, you have already lost your son... and now this? Now you are choosing to go back to work instead of staying home with Ellie?" At the same time, many people have encouraged me that going back to work doesn't mean that I haven't chosen her... that they are two separate things. Yet, I already miss Ellie when she's just here napping; and the thought of leaving her each day is really hitting me hard.

Spencer has been incredibly encouraging and reassuring, reminding me of a few truths that I know he hopes will help encourage my heart...

- that God is not a God of confusion, and that if I wasn't at peace with going to work at this new school part time, then it may not have been a good choice
- that we're to bloom where we are planted until God clearly moves us
- the my going back to work full time this year is just for this year to allow me the time to go through the proper channels to either then go on child care leave or have a great number options of part time positions from which to choose for the following year.

While I find the last point helpful... when it comes to the first two, I feel like I missed it. I feel as though God was trying to make this new direction clear, and out of fear, I kept looking for reasons why it wouldn't work. I can't quite put my finger on what that fear was... fear of a new position, fear of letting my current Principal down, fear of making ends meet financially... I don't know. Regardless, I feel like I let fear get the better of me.

I am not sure if this explanation has even made sense... I hope it has, even though I have left some parts pretty vague.

I would really appreciate your prayers about this... prayers for God to heal those places in my heart that are full of regret, for His forgiveness in my letting fear get the better of me. I am sure that as the school year draws closer, there will be a lot more that I appreciate your prayers for...but for now it's my hurting heart that could really use it.

Because of the sensitivity of this topic, and truthfully my inability to handle any criticism of this decision right now, I have disabled comments. However, if there is something you would really like to share as an encouragement, you are more than welcome to email me. My email can be found on the right sidebar of this page.

Thank you for praying and for walking with me through this next challenge.

And, happy 5 month birthday Eliana! Mommy loves you more than you know...

The Two of Them

Updated Eliana Pictures

Just wanted to post some recent pictures of our little Ellie! Here she is with Spencer in the baby bjorn. She finally likes it, now that she can face out and see what's going on!

I don't know what it is about this picture I love so much... if it's her brignt eyes, her little expression, or just what. She cracks me up :)

Went for an early evening walk and Eliana managed to stay awake! Usually she finds walks so soothing she misses out on seeing everything. This time, though, she got to enjoy it!

Four months old!! She's growing!

Loving the Bumbo!

4th of July!

How's the Grief?

I've been asked this question, How's the grief?, a handful of times since Eliana has been born. Most of those who have asked are mothers who have lost a child themselves, and are keen enough to know that having a new baby at home doesn't erase the grief of missing the child you've lost.

So, how is the grief?

It's different. My arms no longer ache with emptiness since Eliana is now here for me to snuggle... and she loves to snuggle! My longing to raise a child has been met through Eliana's presence, even though my longing to raise Isaac will forever be unfulfilled. With that, comes a new dimension of grief. Prior to Eliana's sweet arrival, I understood only in theory what I was missing out on with Isaac not here; now, I understand its reality.

Like any mother of two, there are days when I feel torn about loving both of my children well... and the fact that Isaac isn't here, makes that even more unique. It's things like trying to balance reading up on a plan for starting solids with Eliana, while finding time to maintain this blog; or, balancing running to Target for diapers and wipes with time to spend at the cemetery; and even something like finding time to both play with Ellie and work on this year's golf tournament. There's a part of me that feels guilty for not having the same amount of time to pour into things having to do with Isaac as I once did; and yet I wouldn't trade Eliana's presence here and my time with her for anything.

So the grief is different, yet I know that in some ways it is still the same. The missing is there. It still stings when we go out to eat and the hostess asks us, "Just three?" Yes... I think... JUST three. And I know that as another October 7th rolls around, the weight of Isaac not being here will settle in again; it's almost as if I have come to learn to expect the ebbs and flows of it all much better now.

I am grateful to know that even though I sometimes feel like a mess trying to balance it all... laughing one minute with Eliana as she giggles, then tearing up the next as I flip through Isaac's photo album and tell her about her big brother... that God meets me in that. He honors the struggle in balancing great joy with great sorrow, and provides the grace in order to walk that fine line well.

Stay tuned in the next few days... I have lots of recent pictures of my precious little Ellie to upload :)

Summertime!!

I apologize for the silence on my blog for the past few weeks. You may have noticed that those weeks coincided with returning to work, and truthfully, I was just exhausted.... and wanted to spend the time I was awake with my sweet little Ellie.

So to catch you up on the last few weeks...

Returning to work was difficult, and I think more so for me than for Eliana. Thankfully, my mom and a couple of our friends helped us out and took care of her. It was great having my mom here to watch her where Ellie could stay at home in her regular routine and be with her Mom-Mom. It was also good for her to be at a few of my friends' houses and interacting with different people and other children. It gave me a chance to think through some logistics of when I return to work full time in the fall, as well as the opportunity to figure out a routine that would work for Ellie's pattern... which of course will probably be completely different come late August!

Eliana is doing great. I can't believe that she will already be 4 months on July 4th! She has such a sweet personality, smiles all the time, and is babbling up a storm! She loves her Bumbo seat, and is actually enjoying tummy time these days. She has figured out that when she pushes the bird or the monkey on her bouncy seat that music plays and the waterfall lights up. It's been really neat to watch her figure out that cause and effect relationship and to intentionally start hitting the animals. She's been reaching and grasping a lot more as well, has become more intentional with her hands. She stares at her hands a lot, too, which is pretty funny. And even though she's petite (maybe 10 1/2 lbs?) and just got into her 0-3 month clothes, she loves to stand up and put weight in her legs. Her hair is still crazy as every, and her eyes still a beautiful deep blue. While she hasn't yet cut any teeth, she is definitely teething... and drooling like a champ!! I just love her to pieces.

Plans for Isaac's Golf Tournament are underway, and we are so excited. Part of our excitement is that last week we received notice from the IRS that the Isaac Delisle Foundation was granted 501(c)3 status. We are thankful for this, and are eager to see what God will do both in and through the foundation...and are grateful to honor both the Lord and our sweet Isaac through this ministry.

I have much more that I would like to share, but for now wanted to post a brief update, and of course, a few pictures...

Ellie with Grandpa (Spencer's dad) when he and Betsy came to visit

Snoozing in her swing

I think her facial expression is so funny! She wasn't even upset here, just not in the mood to smile I guess. I love how blue her eyes are...

Crazy hair!

Dancing with Daddy!