Hero

I remember when I was growing up playing with my She-Ra dolls while our neighbor played with his He-Man figures. It seemed like the idea of playing make-believe with superhero dolls was a good idea. Then there's the ever-famous "get-to-know-your" question of, If you could have one superpower, what would it be? I never knew how to answer that question.

While I was in the hospital after delivering Isaac, one of the doctors who delivered him came to visit. He sat down and talked with Spencer and I for a while and said something I won't soon forget: You two are my heros. Yesterday I had my two-week post-op visit with the other doctor who delivered Isaac. She looked at me and said that same thing: You are my hero.

I appreciate so much the fact that the doctors who delivered Isaac value life, and see our decision as one that is worth admiration... not because it was our decision, because in our minds, there was never really a choice; but, they acknowledge that Isaac was a person, one who had value and was worth being giving an opportunity at life. I have a hard time, though, with being dubbed a hero.

You see, often times, being a hero requires great sacrifice; and to be honest, I never wanted to give Isaac up. I still don't. I would still much rather be his mom and have him here with me than be a hero, and I often wonder why this story couldn't have ended differently with Isaac being healed and still being here with us. It's not that I don't trust what God is doing with all of this, because I do. I won't pretend to understand it, but I trust in His soverignty and the fact that He knows best. I know that our circumstances don't dictate His character, and that somehow, this is all for our good and His greater glory. And in my head, that is all straightened out... it makes sense.

But my heart... oh, how my heart has such a long way to go. My heart just hearts. I just long to have my son here, to be able to hold him, rock him to sleep, sing to him, snuggle with him and kiss him, and to tell him again just how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I know that is not what God has ordained for us or our sweet Isaac, but my heart still wishes it was.

I am not sure how familiar you are with the lyrics to the song that I have playing as you first come to this blog. The song, Homesick, by MercyMe, was one with which I never really felt any strong personal connection... until now.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you againTo see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Would you please continue to pray for our homesick hearts, that God would just continue to bring us comfort and peace, that He still would continue to restore our joy and our hope, and that He would just be near to us as we continue to navigate this really uncharted territory.

Aftermath

It would be dishonest to describe this week in any other way than just plain difficult. It feels as though things have started to settle down a little and have started to return to "normal" in some ways, and that has been a really difficult thing for me.

Now that Isaac's memorial service is over, there really isn't a place for me to focus my energy as much, and that has been hard... mostly because I am not ready to be finished being Isaac's mom. I know that in reality I will never stop being his mom... that I always will be. But the truth is, it's difficult not to have practical ways in which I can love and care for my son. It feels so wrong to be picking leaves out of the flower arrangement by his grave when I want to be tucking him in for his nap; to be reading cards of condolences (which we do appreciate) instead of cards of congratulations; and to be lying awake at night deafened by the silence of our house instead of being awakened by a baby's cries. It just all feels so... wrong.

I know that God doesn't make mistakes... that Isaac's life was exactly as God had ordained it; I also know, as a friend pointed out, that Isaac isn't missing anything... he is in Heaven and is perfect and healthy and whole; it's us who are doing the missing. And so I know I can take comfort in the fact that he is safe and is in the most perfect place; but the fact that Isaac isn't here with us still leaves my heart broken and my arms feeling so empty... because I am missing someone: my son.

We would appreciate you continued prayers for comfort and peace; for hearts to simply trust in what God is doing rather than wondering why; and for God to begin to restore our joy and our hope.

Building Isaac's Playground

Spencer and I can't thank you all enough for your continued prayers and words of encouragement. As you can imagine, our days are pretty up and down, and obviously there is a wide range of emotions that we each deal with. More than anything, we both just miss Isaac a lot, and are doing the best we can to figure out what life looks like without having our sweet little buddy with us. We could really just use your prayers for God's perfect peace to fill and comfort our hearts.

This past week, I was given a very generous offer to help raise so money for the playground being built in honor of Isaac at our church. Please read the letter below, and if you feel inclined to participate, you are welcome to do so.

Dear Stacy,

I want to let you know how much your story has changed our faith. The story of sweet little Isaac has touched the lives of many and it is NOW that I am wanting to give back. Since getting to know your family better, I truly understand how blessed any child would be to enter into your family. You are a wonderful mother with such a kind heart! I feel that your attitude, determination, and dedication to being a parent will benefit other children in days to come. We are praying every day that it is sooner rather than later! Sweet little Isaac is just precious! I know that with all of us working together, we will build a playground that any child could only dream of.

Your Friend,
Jennifer Bader
Homemade Gourmet Meal Consultantwww.homemadegourmet.com/jenniferbader
http://homemadegourmetmeals.blogspot.com/
Email: baderjenn@gmail.com

If you would like to help raise money for Issac's playground by participating in the fundraiser, please see these details:
1) Visit Jennifer's website at: www.homemadegourmet.com/jenniferbader
2) You can place an online order with distributor ID: #816211
( All orders placed are shipped to your door) and Isaac's Playground Fund will receive 25% of the total sales!
3) Email your order to Jennifer at: baderjenn@gmail.com
4) For recipe ideas, please check out Jennifer's blog at: http://homemadegourmetmeals.blogspot.com/

In addition, you can order one of the following dip chillers for the upcoming holidays! The dip chillers are $15 without a mix, or add a mix and pay $19.50. To order a dip chiller, email your order to Jennifer and she will ship immediately to you! $5 from every dip chiller purchased will be donated to Isaac's Playground Fund.

Slideshow (and a blog makeover!)

First off, many thanks to Danille from Blogs by Danielle for the BEAUTIFUL job making over my blog. Thank you so much for sharing your talent and gift with me.

We are also blessed by the talented work of Bill Millios, a photographer with the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation who not only took gorgeous pictures for us, but also put together this slideshow for us to show at Isaac's memorial service yesterday. And we are blessed by the talented work of Selah, and by the Smith's generosity in getting us the "boy" version of "I Will Carry You" for Bill to use. You will want to pause the music at the bottom as you watch and listen. We hope you enjoy these additional glimpses of our sweet Isaac...




"I Will Carry You"

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen Me
To carry you

A Letter to Isaac

This morning's service was beautiful, and we were blessed by the presence of so many family, friends, and even strangers. Thank you for sharing in both our joy and our sorrow as celebrated and honored Isaac's life.

Below is the letter I wrote to Isaac that we shared at this morning's service.

Dear Isaac,

I don’t know how to put into one letter everything I would want to tell you in a lifetime… but I want to try because Daddy and I love you so much. We are so proud of you.

From the moment we found out about you, Daddy and I were so excited to meet you. As you grew, I could feel all of your kicks and wiggles, especially when I would drink a fizzy Zazz or eat something sweet. I remember the first time Daddy could feel you kick, too. As you grew, I would feel you move in new places, and that made me so happy because I knew that you were growing and were full of life. I loved it. Some of the doctors we met with suggested that we let you go; but that was never an option for us. You are our child. We have loved you from the moment we found out about you, and wanted nothing more than to be your Mommy and Daddy and to shower you with as much love as one could possibly give in a lifetime.

I remember the day that Daddy and I chose on a name for you… Isaac Timothy. We chose the name Isaac for two reasons; first, because of the story of Abraham and Isaac in the Bible, and feeling as though we were being asked to take a large step of faith in entrusting you into God’s care; and secondly because Isaac means “he will laugh.” We both just loved the thought of you laughing with joy. We chose Timothy as your middle name because Timothy means “to honor God.” We knew that your life would be honoring to God, and we wanted your name to reflect that. The night we chose your name, Daddy made up a name certificate and we prayed as we named you… we couldn’t wait to tell people your name so that they could pray for you, too, and start to get to know you even more. We loved naming you because at that point, you became even more personal and we felt even more connected to you as your Mommy and Daddy.

While you were still in my tummy, every morning I would sit and write you a letter while playing you music. You really liked when I played Wonderful, Merciful Savior and How Deep the Father’s Love for Us. After the letter was finished, I would read it to you. On my way to work each morning, I would talk to you, telling you about the colors in the morning sky, or simply just how much I love you and how proud I am of you and to be your Mommy. Every night, Daddy would say good night to you… he told you how much he loves you and how proud he is of you, too. We wanted so much for you to hear our voices and know that it was your Mommy and Daddy who love you, Isaac. I hope that you heard us, and that in hearing us, you just felt so deeply loved.

Did you know that while you were in my tummy we took you all sorts of places? We went hiking at Sugarloaf Mountain and walked through the tree-lined path. On the Fourth of July we watched fireworks and listened to their big, loud “booms.” We took you to the beach and jumped waves with you in the ocean. You and I even sat on the beach in the early mornings and I would tell you all about the beautiful sunrise and the sounds the seagulls made. Over the summer after a big thunderstorm we would often see a rainbow; I wished so much that you could have seen them, too. I told you all about the beautiful colors and the way each one would stretch across the sky. Towards the end of the summer we went golfing with Daddy, and I know he was excited to share that with you. We went to weddings, and football games, on picnics, and to so many other places; yet there are still so many things Daddy and I would have loved to do with you. We just weren’t finished making memories with you yet.

October 7th was the greatest day of our lives. You were born at 8:33am; you weighed 4 pounds, 12 ounces, and were 17 ½ inches long. Not only did your body have weight, but your life has weight, and significance, and you matter. You still matter, sweet Isaac. You matter to the One who so uniquely created you. You matter to the people whose lives you have touched and who you have brought closer to Jesus. You matter to me and to Daddy; you will always be our first child and our son. We are so proud of you because you…your life… has made a such a difference, especially to us. The sixteen minutes you were with us were the sweetest sixteen minutes of our lives; and I am thankful to have had that time to whisper in your ear over and over again how much I love you… to have kissed your little nose and sweet cheeks, held your hand with all your perfect little fingers, and then to hold you for hours afterwards, just studying all of your perfect little features and seeing how beautiful you are.

Isaac, we miss you so much. My arms are heavy and ache with the emptiness of not being able to hold you and snuggle with you anymore. But, we are so thankful to have had the chance to meet you… to look at you and just take you all in; to look at your cute nose and realize it’s just like mine; to see how your toes are just like Daddy’s; to look at the details of your little hands and feet, and to be captivated by the beauty of who you are. You are the greatest miracle I have ever been a part of, sweet Isaac. We loved being able to kiss your soft little cheeks and little button nose, and to tell you over and over again how much we love you and how proud we are to be your Mommy and Daddy. We hope that you heard us every time we told you we love you, that you felt every squeeze, and hug, and kiss we gave you, and that we somehow managed to give you all the love of a lifetime in the time we had with you. The sixteen minutes we were able to share with you were the sweetest sixteen minutes of our lives.

We know that Heaven is the best place to be, and we long for the day when we will get to see you again. Please know that you hold the most special place in our hearts, and that we will never stop loving you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Details for Saturday

I wanted to let you all know that the directions given on MapQuest to Cedarbrook Community Church are inaccurate. It would be best to use Google Maps or a GPS if you have one. Again, the date and time are as follows:

Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 10:00 am
Cedarbrook Community Church
23700 Stringtown Road
Clarksburg, MD 20871

We also hope you will be able to stay and join us for refreshments aftewards.

Again, Spencer and I can't thank you enough for your continued support, words of encouragement, and prayers. We need them, and we treasure them greatly.

Remember...

Today, October 15, is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it has been suggested that grieving parents and family members light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss. Would you join me in this today?

I am also "borrowing" an idea that I thought was beautiful from Angie's blog. If you have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other type of infant loss, I would like to be able to pray for you today. Please feel free to leave a comment on this post with your name (if you are comfortable), the nature of your loss(es), your child's/children's names, and as much information as you are comfortable sharing. My comment would look like this...

My name is Stacy. I lost my first child to miscarriage at 13 weeks in November, 2007 due to triploidy. I lost my son, Isaac Timothy, on October 7, 2008 to several congenital anomalies. He was born alive and was with us for the sweetest 16 minutes of my life.

If you are reading this and haven't had the experience of losing a child, then I invite you to join me in praying for these dear families.

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

One week

I can't believe it has been one week since Isaac was born and went to be with Jesus. I miss him so much.

Lately, my whole concept of time has been completely altered... anticipating Isaac's birth in months, then weeks, then days, then hours... and now feeling as though the distance between today and when we met him is growing too long too quickly.While we were visiting Isaac's grave yesterday, I looked down and the temporary marker that's there and just studied it...

Isaac Timothy Delisle

October 7, 2008

Age: 16 minutes

Those words were just a dagger through my heart. Minutes. My son's life is measured in minutes. They were the sweetest 16 minutes of my life. That fact changes everything.

It makes me understand more clearly all of the scriptures that talk about our lives being but a vapor compared to eternity. In the past, that concept was too vast for me to wrap my mind around; now, to some degree, I understand. It makes it easier for me to distinguish the important from the unimportant, and seeing what truly matters. It helps me to understand when we are exhorted to "make the most of every opportunity..." because I think that time is something we often take for granted, seeing it as some sort of endless commodity, brushing important things aside thinking we'll get to them "later."

For us, there isn't "later." And it is a strange thing for parents to figure out how to say everything they'd want to say to their child in a lifetime in just a few short minutes... to hug them, kiss them, snuggle with them, and love them enough in 16 minutes to account for the years that will be missed. I am so thankful that, as some of you have shared with me, we were able to love Isaac his entire life... that the love we were able to give him was so raw, so deep, so pure, and so true. And I am thankful that we were able to just still hold him for hours later that day... to continue to snuggle with him, love him, and just take him all in.

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to navigate this uncharted territory... trying to understand how to grieve, dealing with so many conflicting emotions, and just really, really missing our son. We are grateful for all of your prayers and encouraging words.

Heavy

Heavy. It's the only word I know to describe my heart and my arms right now.

I am really missing my sweet Isaac today. In some ways, coming home from the hospital has brought some comfort; yet in other ways, I wish I could go back. It's the place where my son was born, the place where I held him, the place where it didn't feel as if the whole world was "business as usual" while my world had been shattered.

I miss holding him and kissing his little nose and his face over and over again... I miss the way it feels when he wrapped his little hand around my finger... I miss the softness of his little feet... and I miss the smell of my little baby boy. I want to be able to tell him one more time how much I love him and how proud of him I am.

We are so grateful for the outpouring of love, encouragement, and support that so many of you have offered us... and to many of you, we are complete strangers. We are also grateful for the way God continues to carry us... through his word, and through the encouragement and prayers of His people. We hope that many of you (those that are nearby at least) will be able to join us for Isaac's memorial service next weekend.

Memorial Service and Isaac's Playground

Family and Friends,

A Memorial Service to honor Isaac's life will be held on

Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 10:00 am
Cedarbrook Community Church
23700 Stringtown Road
Clarksburg, MD 20871

All are welcome to attend.

In memory of Isaac, we will be having a playground built at our church, Mountain View Community Church. We just broke ground on our new facility, and the hope is that both the facility and the playground will be completed next fall.

In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made and sent to Mountain View Community Church for Isaac's playground. Please be sure to write "Isaac's Playground" in the memo line. Checks may be mailed to:

Mountain View Communty Church
3401 Urbana Pike
Fredrick, MD 21704
Attention: Pam Wilson-- Isaac's Playground

Please pass this information along to any and all who may be interested.

With deepest gratitude,

Stacy and Spencer