Thursday, September 18, 2008

20 Days

I realized this morning that if all goes according to plan (which, as it seems we're learning lately, it rarely does), we have 20 days left with our sweet Isaac. Before, I was able to think of the time until my c-section in weeks; now it's days.

I have been thinking a lot about why moving my c-section up 10 days bothered me so much. I understand why it's the best decision from a medical standpoint, but it has been a hard thing for me to accept these last few days. I think the reality is that I feel like those 10 days are days that have somehow been stolen from me... days that I would rather get to feel Isaac kick and wiggle, knowing that he's safe and that he's alive.

I was asked yesterday if there were certain things I wanted to do or get done before he came. Truthfully, the answer is no. I just want more time. 20 days just doesn't seem like enough, even though I know that no finite number of days ever would be.

Tuesday evening I scoured every book in the Bible that had a chapter 10 verse 7, trying to find a verse that I thought would fit Isaac. Not one of them did. Some were sort of morbid, a few were generations in geneologies, and others seemed sort of random out of context. So instead, I turned to Psalm 107. I loved it. In particular, these three verses were of great comfort for me...

19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

20 He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

I had a little bit of trouble with verse 20. We, along with many of you, have been pleading with God to heal Isaac on this side of heaven. So far, the answer seems to be no. But I know, because His word is true and His love is unfailing, God will in fact ultimately heal Isaac; the grave is not the end. We know that he will be in a much safer and more perfect place. In that there is comfort, though I still would rather have him here for a while first.

Please continue to pray for us, that God would continue to sustain us with His strength, grace and peace, allowing us to enjoy even one more day with Isaac. Please pray that He would calm my numerous fears about having major surgery, and that the surgery itself would go smoothly and be free of any complications. And, please don't stop asking for a miracle.


Welcome to the Shit Show! said...

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I thought about your story last night...even though I don't know you or your family I feel like God has put yall on my heart and I want you to know that I am praying hard! I wish there was a way that I could put into words how much this story has touched my life. Isaac is a miracle! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Angela said...

Wow! I thought I was the only one who did that. After my Benjamin was born and we found out he has Down syndrome, I did the same thing. I looked for 4:24 in the Bible. Here is the one that brought me comfort.

Joshua 4:24

"...that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever."

Hugs and prayers to you today. I'm so sorry they moved up your date. I would be heartbroken about it, too.

Monica said...

I was driving to work just this morning praying for you. I don't know you, but I've come to love your family. I look over to the car next to me and some guy was just watching me...I thought I must look pretty crazy, here I am talking out loud (praying) and tears are just coming down my face. You're story has brought back so many emotions from our story 7 years ago. I continue to pray for a miracle for your sweet Isaac, but I'm also praying for peace for you and Spencer. Peace that surpasses all understanding.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Our prayers continue to be with you as you count down the days until you meet your sweet Isaac.

Tippa Glover said...

I have been following your story but have never commented. I pray and think of you often. I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing, but I know God is an awesome God...and He will carry you through this. Through the pain and through the tears, He is there...He is always there.

May God comfort you during these last 20 days and may He grant you peace on day 21.

Just Me said...

I too, have been following your story but have not left a comment. Wanted you to know that I am praying for all of you.

Jennifer said...

Words cannot express how I feel for you and Spencer right now. Please know that we are praying for you everyday! I hope that God will use his miracle/healing power and give you all the time that you want with little Isaac. I am hear for you and you have my email if you want to talk. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way!

Anonymous said...

Hi Stacy, I'm friends with Kirsten and she shared your story and blog with me. I think and pray for you often and I came across this quote from Charles Spurgeon and I immediately thought of you and Spencer: "Wherever Jesus may lead us, He goes before us. If we know not where we go, we know with whom we go. . . The journey may be long, but His everlasting arms will carry us. . ."

Anonymous said...

I have stopped right now and prayed for a miracle...

Oh, sweet Isaac...I would love to know when I get to heaven, how many lives were touched by your too few days on earth.

Erin said...

This is the first time I have been to your blog and I have been crying from the 1st post! I have an 18 month old happy healthy girl and I just now realize how lucky I am to have that! You will be in my prayers now and for the next 20 days or more! I will be checking back and thinking about you daily! Thank you for sharing your story!


Corby and Lauren said... day your blog was on the recommended reading list on my google reader, so I went to it. I added it to my list as a reminder to keep you, your husband, and Isaac in my prayers. I have been asking for a miracle for your sweet baby and for peace as y'all go through this entire process. I certainly appreciate your honesty and want you to know that through all of it, I feel changed.

Lauren said...

Stacy... I was reading in the Psalms today and flipped to 107 since I knew you had picked it for Isaac. I had notes in my bible that Ken had written as he studied that chapter at some point in life and here is what it said.."Psalm 107 is about Direction, Restoration, Healing and Protection. Whe we are in trouble we rely on God's goodness to take away the bad situation and/or give us the strength to endure."

So for whatever that is worth! We love you.

Laura said...

Still praying...praying for you to be able to stay in the present moment...for you to feel so loved..praying for a miracle.

Stephanie said...

I am so blessed by this post. My kids are memorizing those verses in Psalm 107 right now. It is written on our chalkboard because those words have brought life to me. I cried when I read this post because I know God is faithful. I don't understand why you have to go through such excrutiating pain.
I am so sorry. I am praying for a miracle. Stay in His Word, that is where healing is found.

"...he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory."
Isaiah 61:3

You are so amazing. Isaac is amazing.
Thank you so much for sharing Isaac's beautiful life with all of us.

Anonymous said...

In Australia, we do our dates the other way around. So a birth verse here for Isaac would be 7/10

Psalm 7:10 "My shield is the God Most High, who saves the upright in heart"

Luke 7:10 "Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well"

Revelation 7:10 "And they cried out in a loud voice: 'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb'"

Julie said...

I know you don't know me, but I went to college with Spencer. My friend Lori pointed me toward your blog because my friend just lost one of her twins (the cord wrapped around his throat) and I'm having such a hard time knowing what to say to them. The funeral is tomorrow. I have to say that I don't know how you have so much strength (no, I do--God) and I admire you. I am praying for a miracle!!

Just Me said...

Praying for you. What lovely verses.

HennHouse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HennHouse said...

Praying. You are beautiful.

Crystal said...

We're praying for you over this way, too.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your story but this is my first time leaving a comment. Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for your continued strength and courage and of course, for a miracle. You are inspirational. Thank you for sharing your soul with so many of us.

Taylor said...

I am so sorry that you are travelling this road. I wish it were some other way... I'm praying that God still has a miracle up His sleeve for baby Isaac. But if He doesn't, I'm still praying that He will continue to draw others to Himself through your lives... you, your husband, and your son. I'm praying.

Anonymous said...

Not that this will be you... and not that it will in any way take away your fears... But I have had two c-sections, and I would so much more prefer that way than a vaginal birth... Especially if I was in your situation... Because with my first child I went through 15 hours of labor first, and I was wiped out after they finally did a c-section. But since the second time we just scheduled it I went in rested, and then really enjoyed the time following my second childs birth. I hope that you can find comfort in my experience... Maybe it will relieve some of your fears. I'm praying for you and your family and that your fears will subside.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray for your strength, and of course, that miracle.

The Writer Chic said...

Just me. Apparently, long gone are the days when I'm your first commenter! =) That's a good thing, Stacy! That means that many more people are reading about Isaac and being touched by him and lifting you up in prayer.

I know an entire new group of people were here earlier this week because I had set my facebook status to "...still sick, and now so sad, too." Our blog is linked on my FB page, and I know several of my friends headed over there to see my "21 days" post.

Anyway....we're still praying, still believing in His sovreignty.

Lots of love...

amy (metz) walker said...

Your story, but more so your reaction to what is going on in your life right now...has been an inspiration to me!

Anonymous said...

I continue to keep you, Spencer and little Isaac in my prayers.

The following excerpt is from Tony Snow's testimony, which I found moving. "What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable place, in the hollow of God's hand."

Wishing you God’s peace and comfort.


Anonymous said...

Hi Stacy,
I've been following your story for quite some time now, but have never posted anything. I felt compelled to let you know that your story has truly touched my life. I am due on November 5th and I first read of your story through the Success After Loss board. We were due right around the same time and I often checked your blog daily for updates to see what was happening with you, Spencer and precious Isaac.

We have more recently been faced with a neurological complication for our baby, but have been told that things should be ok for her once she is born. After going through this, I just think more and more of what you and your husband are dealing with and how very brave you are.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think of your family often and pray that your incredible faith will sustain you.

Anonymous said...

There is never enough time with our babies. Much love to you, Spencer and Issac.

Anonymous said...

i am not one to pray often, but i do say a prayer for you guys. you are in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Stacy & Spencer -

I'm a friend of Jenny's and she passed me the link to your blog. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you all in this incredibly trying time.

Your story has really touched my heart -- so rest assured that baby Isaac's life matters and is already making a difference for so many people.

I had two things that I felt lead to share with you -- the first being one of the passages I cling to in times of trouble:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. ~ Lamentations 3:19-26

The second item is for you Stacy -- it's from a song called "The Women You Come From" by Bonnie Keen and Tori Taff. It's about the strength of the women that we are all descended from and I think you are just demonstrating that strength day in and day out right now.

What did life bring them?
What did pain did they know?
Stories the pictures didn't show
Were they lovers of babies and lovers of God?
With lessons and laughter in their songs
Did they dream better dreams for their children
As they prayed silent prayers in the night
"Lord, make their way clear and always be near"

BTW...Bonnie Keen actually has a song called "Isaac" on her CD Marked For Life. "Bonnie wrote the stirring “Isaac” as a tribute to the peace she found when, at long last, she was able to surrender all the pain and failure to God."

Please know that I join everyone else in lifting up my voice for a miracle, but also know that I'm praying for both of you and the healing of your hearts. May the peace that passeth understanding be with both of you in the days ahead.

Our Journey said...

We will be praying for you and your family. By reading your blog I see how many lives your little Isaac has already touched, God bless you and your little man

HennHouse said...

You are an inspiration and an example of faith.

I left you an award over at the HennHouse!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Stacy...I cry everytime I come to your blog..Your faith in our lord is amazing..I can't imagine what your going thru, but this baby has been such a blessing to more people than you will ever know! We lift Your family's name everytime in church, and in our prayers..That our Awesome God touch & heal this baby, that he may stay with us on earth! We continue to pray for a miracle!!! Lot's of Love from East TN!

SlicKitty said...

My cousin, Traci, has led me to you. She's Zakk's mother, and I think you've spoken to her quite a bit. I just underwent major surgery, and the outcome was potentially shaky. Every day, I live with a potentially deadly genetic condition of my own. The following verse brings me a lot of comfort, and I hope that it will bring you some, as well:

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

For weeks, I have been praying for Isaac, and for his parents. The three of you are in our church's prayers, and that means that you are in the prayers of thousands. Please understand that we have an entire group of "Prayer Warriors". You can bank on the fact that there are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of people praying for your family. Isaac is already a miracle, who has touched so many. I have no doubt that he will continue to touch lives.


Anonymous said...

This is a very heartwrenching story..
I am so sorry..
I am praying for a miracle that the hours u get to spend with ur baby boi will turn into days weeks months and yrs!
Miracles can happen at anytime!
Never lose the faith!!

I was also wondering, if i could put this story in a myspace bulletin..?
I dont wanna do it without permission