Wednesday, December 3, 2008

'Tis the Season

In case there was any doubt in my mind that the Christmas season is upon us, Macy's on 34th Street in NYC on black Friday confirmed the fact that it is. This time of year has always been filled with much joy for me... the decorating, the shopping, the cookie baking, the caroling, the flipping around radio stations just to see if I can find Josh Groban's or Celine Dion's rendition of "O, Holy Night"... I love it all. The time with family, and the time reflecting on the miracle of Jesus's birth.

But this year, I am just not in the holiday spirit.

I remember back to last Christmas, just a few short months after my miscarriage, thinking, "Surely, next Christmas will be different. By then, we'll have a little one here, or just about here, and it will be great. There will be strollers, and burp cloths, and cute onesies..."

Boy was I wrong.

My dad asked me recently what I wanted for Christmas this year, and honestly, I had a really hard time thinking of anything. There are some things I could use, but what I want he can't give me. Nobody can. Because what I want is Isaac. I want him back. I want him to be here.

There's nothing like the holidays to bring a blatant reminder of what's missing, or in our case, who is missing. Just when I thought that hole couldn't get any bigger, it has. And it's hard... and it hurts. So I am not sure how much of the "Christmasy" things we'll be doing this year... to be honest, it's just too hard. 'Tis the season... but I feel anything but jolly.

We would appreciate your prayers through this difficult season... for comfort, for peace, and for God to help ease the ever-present ache in our hearts. We just miss Isaac so much.

I would also like to ask for your prayers for another momma who will be delivering her sweet baby, Max this Friday, December 5. You can read her story at Max has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, and they are not sure how long he will be here with his sweet parents before meeting Jesus. Please pray for them... that God would be ever-present with them in these next two days leading up to Max's birth, that the c-section would go well and that Trish would come through it in good health, for the moments that Trish and Dustin have with Max... that they would be very present in each moment and able to just love on Max as fully as possible. Please pray for God to calm their fears and provide His peace.

Thank you for continuing to walk along side of us in our journey, even 8 weeks after Isaac's birthday. Thank you, too, for praying for Trish, Dustin, and Max.


Jess :) said...


I will definitely continue praying for you, as well as Trish, Dustin and Max.

I can only imagine the pain and hurt that you are feeling right now...longing to hold your sweet baby Isaac! We know he is the best of HANDS, but it's still so difficult!

I pray that you and Spencer will be blessed this Christmas season and that miracles will continue to fill both of your lives!

Much love,
Jess :)

Kristin said...

From one momma to another your an amazing soul. Your peace is there waiting to fill you, its just so hard to see or feel it through the
fog. Your sweet, sweet Isaac felt the love that you have for him every millasecond.
We all feel it through you.

Most importantly our Father knows it too that's why your family is so blessed.

You are never far from my thoughts and most importanly from my prayers. May God's love and peace find you and your husband this holiday season is Jesus name I pray.

You my dear are so loved!!!!!!!

rae said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm still praying for you all and that you are all in my thoughts. I wish we lived closer so there would be something that I can do to help.

The Writer Chic said...

I wondered if you were aware of/in touch with Trish and Dustin. We are praying for them, as we continue to pray for you. I am hurting for you, dear friend. I can only imagine how hard this "season of miracles" is for you this year. Praying incessantly, M.

Anonymous said...

This is from a blog I follow. She just recently lost her baby on Thanksgiving. This made me think of you and sweet isaac.
What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard Him say. "

A Mother has a baby"

This we know is true

"But God can you be a Mother,

When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied

With confidence in His voice

"I give many women babies,

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God

I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,

And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child's smile,

With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,

But I visit her every day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,

your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lesson's through.

And on the day that you come home

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart

it's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,

you are a Mother.

Until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day

and know that you are the best one!"

Written by Jennifer Wasik

Laura said...

Praying for you. This is so are doing this well.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to add the link to the blog

Rebecca Jo said...

Christmas does make it hard & dont put expectations on what you should do or how you should celebrate. If Chrstimas looks different to you this year - thats OK! All you can do sometimes is just make it through before the healing can lift you back up!

Will definitely be praying for Max & family. Thanks for sharing that!

Anonymous said...

‘‘along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them’ (Isaiah 42:16).

This was the bible verse of my daily devotion and I wanted to share.

Praying for you and your family that His peace touches you today and always.

Unknown said...

Even 8 weeks after Isaac's birthday I still love hearing about him! xxx.

Stephanie said...

I am still keeping you and Spencer in my prayers and I will stop by Trish and Dustins blog to leave my prayers there also!

I sit speechless as far as what to say to you. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling and I feel as though anything I say will not do you justice so I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and just hope that is enough for now!

Shaina N said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I currently hate answering the "Christmas wish" question. All I want for Christmas is to be pregnant again, to have my little bean back. I can't imagine holding my baby in my arms, and then not having it the next day. My heart hurts for you. A friend who had just found out I miscarried reminded me of the name Emmanuel for God, meaning "God is with you" that helped a lot, the rest of the day (and today) I've been murmuring "Emmanuel." I'm in a week long Christmas "broadway-type" musical, and our opening song is "Emmanuel Medley" I miscarried completely on Monday, and then yesterday was opening night. I had tears in my eyes during that first song!!! But, I think it really helped.

Do what you can for Christmas, but don't stress out. Just remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

God bless,

Anonymous said...

Only one thing that can really be said to bring you any comfort is that it does get easier in time. The pain won't be so strong, so unbearable, sadly though it will always be there. I pray someday you get to have a healthy baby to bring home, not a replacement to Isaac, but an addition to your family, a sibling for little Isaac. I literally weep when I think of you, knowing the pain, it hurts so much. I am so so sorry you have to go through this, no mother or father ever should...........

Anonymous said...

I pray that you would feel the miracle of Christmas in a fresh and new way this season. I pray that the God of all comfort would wrap you tightly in His arms.

Laura said...

Stacy - I can only imagine that the last thing you feel right now is joy of the season. Embrace yourselves with your memories and closeness to Isaac.

Amy said...

I remember the Christmas I was pregnant with our Natalie (we knew she would pass away once she was born) we barely even acknowledged tree, not a bit of decorations, nothing at all...we just didn't feel like it. We went to the obligatory celebrations, but that was all we were in the mood for. Please know that you are loved and being prayed for and that what ever you decide to do this year is fine. Hope this difficult Christmas season will be bearable. Love lots, Amy

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...


I will continue to pray for you and well as Max's family. So sorry for your pain, sweet friend.


The Grammarian said...

Stacy, please know of my continued prayers throughout this season.

Rachel said...


I just wanted to thank you for sharing Isaac's tiles with us and giving others the opportunity to order. We received our tile today in memory of our precious baby girl, Gracie. It has been a little over 10 months since she passed, and we too will be missing her this Christmas.
Please know that I think of you and your family daily and that I will be lifting you up in my prayers.

Much love,

Amanda Hoyt said...

I am praying for you and your husband and Trish, Dustin and Max.
May you all feel the loving arms of our Father around you.

AngelsAmid said...

I just wanted to let you know I'm still praying everyday.

heidi marie said...

continued prayers as always.

Anonymous said...

Stacy - you do not know me but I know your pain. I lost my twin son and daughter in August 2003, they were premature and died less than 2 hours after their birth. Their due date was December 21st and I remember how horrible and CHEATED I felt that Christmas. Just please know that life does get easier with every passing moment. Be gentle on yourselves and know even though he cannot be in yours arms, your sweet Isaac is safe in your hearts.

God Bless

Jennifer said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile now. Today is "Blog Comment Day".
I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby Isaac! You are an incredible woman, and I will be keeping you in my prayers!


Erika said...

Stacy, you are in my prayers. I am also NOT looking forward to the holidays this year (and I, too, love Christmas). It just doesn't seem right without my girls here to celebrate. You are always close in my thoughts, and I pray that Isaac, Vivian, and Annemarie are caroling up in heaven together. HUGS.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you as you try to find some peace this Christmas season. Our grandsons died in January and I don't have the desire or interest in Christmas this year either. I have to decorate because I have other grandchildren but I don't want to.

Only do what YOU want to do this holiday season. People will understand.

Danielle Holsapple said...

Sending you well wishes and hugs and prayers. I am in the same boat as you. Last year at this time we got a few little baby gifts for the baby that was supposed to come. He was supposed to be with us this holiday, be in our holiday photo, supposed to watch his sister open gifts, etc.... I know how hard it is to get into the holiday spirit. Instead of getting gifts this year, we asked our family to send donations to one of 3 of our favorite charities -we asked them to donate in our son Sam's name. Like you said, the only thing I would like for Christmas is to be holding my baby boy.
Hang in there and lean on the Lord. He will give us strength. Bless you!

Pete, Ali, Charlie and Rosie said...

Dear Stacy,
Just wanted you to know that we're still thinking of you and praying for you - particularly over this holiday season.
I remember the Christmas after we lost our first son, Will, who lived for 15 minutes. I most definitely did not feel festive or jolly. We didn't put any cards up, or even a tree, until about two days before Christmas when we finally thought we ought to do something vaguely Christmassy. It was hard though. Every year since then, we've bought a bauble for the Christmas tree with Will's name on, so it always feels like we're including him. Just wanted you to know that I so understand how you are feeling.
Take care now, with love, Alison x

Anonymous said...

You are loved.
You are held.
You are never alone.

Praying for your family in Michigan,

Many love & blessings,

Anonymous said...

I will definitely continue to pray and keep you in my thoughts. I can't imagine how this season must feel for you. Bless you and Spencer.

Polly & Steve said...

Your story touched my heart, from someone that has experienced loss even though it was 42 years ago, God is wonderful! But you always miss them. Lots of Love and prayers,
Polly and Steve

mrsrubly said...

i will be praying for you.

Julie said...

We will pray for Max and for your family.

So Blessed said...

May God bless you for extending the same comfort to others that you yourself have received...I will be praying for Max and his family...and I continue to pray for you as you walk in this grief journey.

~Kelli said...

I'm still thinking about you! Merry Christmas!!

Misty Rice said...

Dear Friend and Sister in Christ......

Your pain is so real and honest. My heart breaks (again) every time I read a post like this of yours. Iv been following you for the last 2 months and I totally understand your emotions are raw and painful. How could they not be.

While reading this post, and of course so much easier from my end than yours, so please just bare with me as I write this. However as I read your post and my eyes filled with tears while imagining you and your husband sitting next to Issac's grave every Sunday and not wanting to get into the mood of the holiday.

As I read "Tis the Season" in your post, it hit me and these words fell to my heart to maybe share with you.

I know you know this, and I know your faith is so very strong and I also know that the bible tells us to step out and help one another in all the ways we can, to serve someone, go out of our way to help someone.....

Maybe today I can be of some help, or maybe my words will only want to make you delete my comment, either way I wont try to understand or blame you. Or maybe it will make the pain and the hurt just a wee bit softer for the moment and maybe we can get a little smile back on your face even if just for a moment.

When I read "Tis The Season"..... and then it followed that you just arent into the "Christmasy" mood. I felt we should revisit what the words "Tis The Season" REALLY and TRULY means and should me to all of God believers.

"Tis The Season" ... is a reminder of a BIG loss from our Heavenly Father, who lost His SON too. This entire month of "holiday joy or sadness" go together for a HUGE celebration. Although it would be easy and so natural for us humans to say with a bit of anger that "God got His son back from His death, but I didn't get mine back after his." .... God understands that hurt and pain. He wants you to lie your head down on his lap so he can softly stroke your hair and make you feel at peace.

You and God BOTH have something deeply in common. The bible speaks about how God often puts things in our lives if it be joy, pain or loss..... to better know Him. To be more Christ like. Although I would never ever want to go through the kind of loss you have gone through and suffer the pain you continue to suffer as days go by and the world keeps living around you. At the same time I say "wow, this girl is more like Christ is a big way." Although she can't see it or the pain is still way too hard to even care about that, I pray that when the pain does lighten (and it will in time, only in time).....that this beautiful women (YOU) will see a new kind of light and life that you walk, knowing that you my sister and God have experienced the same kind of loss, pain and love.....and no matter what the rest of us go through to "try" and be more like Christ, we aren't even close. I know that sounds a bit cliche' especially not being in your shoes.....but I really admire your strength. It makes me fear that I could never be that strong.... God chose this plan and I don't know why, but he is using you in big ways for HIS glory more than you probably even realize.

"Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose. I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations." I write that not only for Issac, but for YOU...God set YOU apart for his holy purpose. WOW!!!

As painful as this time is and will be, you are not alone, you will not be forsaken, and you will rise above this in HIS name. God will not allow His child to have this pain and darkness cast over forever..... keep believing that. I can't wait to see what God has planned for you and I so look forward to watching you (me and us) grow in HIS name and for His glory, as he has chosen of us.

It will be better than YOU could ever imagine, just as He promises. Life will NOT always hurt this bad when God in in control.

"Tis The Season"..... tis the season for Issac and Jesus!!! Celebrate that Issac took a breath of life and opened his eyes and that you got to meet him. YOU have to force yourself to stay focused on the GOOD sister (the blessings) or you heart will continue to hurt and it can't gain what could be gained.

I wish I could hug you, and I have never even met you. I know I am just a stranger here on earth, but I am YOUR sister through Christ, we have the same FATHER! Sisters, are honest with each other, and love each other and support each other and I am here for you as your sister.

Please know that my heart truly reaches out to you and hurts for you..... I miss Issac too and I only met him through pictures and your words. He is also my brother in Christ, although I feel more like nephew. (Smiling)....I have kissed his little face many times on my computer screen.... I have posted about him several times on my own blog. I care.

As your sister I ask that maybe you TRY to turn this pain into joy even if just for this month, put a tree in your home and take some pictures of it, put it on Issacs grave..... let Issac continue to live through you and your memories and your words and your blog and your ministry. CELEBRATE Issac and Jesus's lives this month...."Tis The Season"..... a wonderful season it is.

God Bless you and I will stop and pray right now that my words be heard with kindness, and that I haven't stepped out of bounds with them.... that just maybe you feel a little sense of lightness today.

I would love to see the picture of how you decorate your tree and maybe even a small tree on Issacs grave. Let the world see Issacs light, dont let satin get the better end of this by closing up and not letting yourself or Issac's glory shine on. RISE UP TODAY girl, get up and celebrate. Let Issac WIN, not satin. He is getting joy by you not wanting to celebrate the most important holiday there ever was or will be.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!!!!