Thursday, May 7, 2009

7 Months (and a few updates)

I woke up this morning and tried to figure out what I wanted to say today on Isaac's 7-month birthday. To be completely honest I don't know. What I do know is that I still miss my soon like crazy and would give anything to have him here.

It's still a roller coaster... some days missing Isaac so much I feel like I can barely breathe; and other days feeling like I have started to hope again. The thing I have been realizing lately is that hope can feel so scary...I think, at least in part, because it leaves me vulnerable, almost as if I am bracing myself for the bottom to fall out and things to fall apart again. And yet I know that even if the bottom were to fall out, God would graciously be there to catch us, uphold us, and carry us.

I was reading a blog post this morning about another family with a baby boy named Isaac, who also left his mommy and daddy way too soon. The father was recounting the beginning of C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed which said, "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." It is so true. It really does... there is a lot of fear tied up in grief. That's something I have spent a lot of time lately trying to think about and pray through. There are so many places in the scriptures where we are told to "fear not" and that "perfect love casts out fear."

But as I am learning, especially recently, is that in addition to the sadness of missing Isaac, the longing for him to be here, the confusion of not udnerstanding why it had to happen this way, the anger that it did... there's also fear.

God has been very gracious in the way He has continued to provide for us, uphold us, and guard us with His peace these past 7 months... and even before, as we learned about the road we'd be walking with Isaac. Despite the grief, we see that... and we see how He continues to show us how He is making beauty from ashes.

A couple of updates...

1- Many folks have been asking about the playground. Thank you for checking in on that! Our new church building is still being constructed. It was originally slated to be completed this fall. I am not sure if that is still the plan... you know how timetables go with construction. After the church building is finished, the playground will be installed shortly thereafter. I will for sure continue to update you all on the playground's progress, especially once we have pictures!!

2- Folks have also been asking about ways you can help support Isaac's Golf Tournament. We appreciate you asking. There's a planning meeting next week for the tournament, and at that time, we hope to discuss how folks can be involved from afar. I will be sure to let you know once we have a more concrete list of specifics.

Thank you so much for continuing to pray for us and for remembering our sweet little boy, particularly this week with Mother's Day approaching.


Tammy On the Go said...

So good to hear from you, I love "seeing" Isaac. And I can't wait to meet him one day.

Laura said...

Thinking of you today...and so often. Praying for love to cover the fear with each breath you take.


Misty Rice said...

Hi beautiful mommy and friend.

I had a dream the other night that I lost my son Hunter. I don't know how I lost him in my dream, but I do know it felt very real that I had lost him. I remembering crying so hard that I couldn't breath or stand on my very own two feet. I just crumbled to the ground and cried. Then in bits and pieces of my dream, I remember trying to move on with life without him and things would happen.

Things like, at any given (and unknown) moment I think of him, and at that very instant I am hit, and in shock and crying in devastation all over again, as if the death just happened. I remember constantly walking around with anxiety all the time, because the smallest thought of my son, I couldn't bare to live or breath.

I woke up with my head feeling as though it would explode, and I took a deep breath. I could tell that my body wasn't wanting to breath while I was dreaming from the very dramatic and devastating experience I was going through.

I woke up SO relieved it was a dream, but instantly I began to wonder why it was that I had such a horrible dream. Was I being warned.

And then it hit me....

God was again showing me so I can better relate and understand what a parent who lost a child endures.

I recently have been in touch with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I want to volunteer my time to families with my photography..... and I think God is preparing me for what to expect.

Although no one likes to dream such a dream or even experience such a loss of a child ...... I am glad that God allows for me and shows me the depth as to which people hurt, and allows me to experience that kind of hurt so I can truly understand and mourn and hurt with my brothers and sisters in His name in their pain.

I think the 'fear' of all of this... is also part of our disblief. Part of satins ugly side making its way in. It is hard to to worry or stress over our fear, because they are very real to us.

But I also know we serve a bigger God than any fear we could ever have.

Praying for you my friend and know that HE will prosper YOU. He will not give us anything that we can't handle. He LOVES us.

Blessed Mothers Day to you. You are a wonderful mother.

Misty Rice said...

sorry that last comment was so long....

Melissa G said...

Happy 7 month birthday, sweet Isaac.
Hug Jesus for me, ok?

Raising Davis Darlings said...

It is hard to believe that it is already 7 months. I will be thinking of you and praying for you today!

Sonya said...

Praying and thinking of you today and everyday. Hang in there Stacy. :)

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Praying for always. What a beautiful picture...

Sammy said...

Will be praying for you Stacy as Mothers Day approaches xxx

Ashley said...

I think of you and Spencer often, although the 7th of July is a happy day for me, every 7th of the month will be a memory day for you. My thoughts and prayers to you both, especially with this Mother's Day coming soon.

Anonymous said...

Think of Issac in his pure love. Embrace your Mother's Day as being a mother to this beautiful child. Prayers and loving thoughts to you and your family.

Julie said...

Remembering your sweet Isaac...and thinking of you as Mother's Day approaches. You are such a wonderful mother...don't forget that.

Hugs and prayers.

Linda said...

Dear Stacy, I am so glad that you have your faith to hold onto. I do know that your empty arms long to hold your sweet son.

My daughter Lynnette who has lost 3children used to use the phrase "Empty Arms" after she lost her babies.

Only a mommy who has gone through what you have would truly understand that feeling.

But God does understand,...and He cares. He loves you Stacy and He will wrap His loving arms around you dear one. Cling tightly to Him.

Love & Prayers,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Lorraine said...

Isaac is so sweet in that picture. Saying a special prayer for your first Mother's Day.

Unknown said...

I cannot wait for Isaac's playground to be constructed! Happy 7 mth Birthday you precious little boy! xxxo.

Cynthia said...

Thinking of you today. Happy Mother's Day, may God's peace surround you.

Praying every day.


Stephanie said...

That is such a beautiful picture.
You are such an amazing mom, Stacy.
I heard a quote once, "A broken heart keeps beating". I am sorry that the darkness and grief continue while your heart is broken.
May God prove Himself faithful to you every day.

Mom 2 my boys said...

praying for you this Mothers Day. I wish you could be holding sweet Isaac in your arms, my heart aches for you and I will continue to hold you in prayer.

Aunt Becky said...

Sending you love and light. Your Issac is just such a gorgeous boy.