Sunday, June 7, 2009

8 Months

Just typing the title of this post was so surreal. I can't believe it has been eight months since I last saw, held, kissed, and snuggled my son. The time seems to have both flown, and taken an eternity. It's a strange paradox for sure.

I am not too sure what to say today. There's so much I want to share, but have already said it. What does seem to be different about this time between the 6 month mark and this coming October is that the month markers don't feel so big anymore with Isaac's one year birthday (I suppose that's still what you call it?) looming in the distance. Not necessarily looming in a bad way, but it does feel like this weight that is sort of out there, that you know you'll reach in the coming months. In talking with other moms who have lost their children, I know that anticipating the one year mark is hard, and the arrival of it is even tougher.

But today, sitting here at 8 months, I find myself in a different place. As I shared with my counselor this past week, I don't feel so much like I am on the crazy roller coaster of emotions anymore. I don't feel as often like I am just at the mercy of whatever is thrown at me and am left to somehow respond. The bottom doesn't fall out as frequently, and the twists and turns are no longer unexpected... at least, not as often. And truly, the fact that I feel like I am becoming more acclimated, to this "new normal" is truly a work of God in my heart. Of course, conversations with others, the books I have read, going to counseling, writing on this blog have all been helpful; but I know that it's the Lord who has taken all of those things along with my prayers and the prayers of many others, to bring me to a place where I am now a little more adjusted.

Not over it, not "all better"... but more adjusted.

You see, I now can answer with confidence when I am asked if I have any kids rather than stumble over my words. I can look in the faces of my friends' babies and smile (although sometimes through tears), knowing that they have been given a gift... just like I was. It's just that they have gotten to keep theirs a lot longer. I don't have to walk around the perimeter of Target to get to where I need to go so that I can avoid the baby section. (Not that I walk through it yet, but maybe soon). And while I still sing songs at church like "Mighty to Save" or "Better is One Day" with tears welling up in my eyes, I am now at least singing them again.

I miss Isaac terribly. I still do, and I am not sure that will change. How could it when you feel like a part of you is missing?

When I was in college, I spent two summers working as the head baker (best job ever!) at a Young Life camp in Minnesota. It was GORGEOUS there, and I am so grateful for those summers. One summer there was a girl named Katie who worked with me who was a fabulous musician. During the time when many of the interns had off, she'd bring out her guitar and we'd sit around and sing... worship songs, U2, anything. One of my favorites was "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" which goes like this...

Lover of my soul
I will never let you go
You've taken me
From the miry clay
Set my feet upon the rock
And now I know

I love you
I need you
Though my world may fall
I'll never let You go
My Savior
My closest friend
I will worship You
Until the very end

My world has fallen... apart, that is. But God has graciously set my feet upon the rock: the truth of who He is. When life unravels, people grasp for what they know is certain and unchanging. It's Him. And He has been faithful.

So at this 8 month point what does it all look like? It still hurts like crazy. I still miss Isaac more than I could truly ever express. I think about what he would be doing right now and I am so hurt that I will never get to see and experience those things. But it all feels a little more steady. Of course there are some twists and turns that come up unexpectedly sometimes, but those times are starting to feel more expected... and more normal.

We appreciate you continuing to read and continuing to pray for us. Specifically, we'd love it if you would continue to pray for:
- Father's Day coming up and for Spencer's heart
- For the plans and details of Isaac's golf tournament
- For great weather on August 21 (the day of the tournament)

We will love you forever, sweet Isaac.


Kara said...

This post is so beautifully worded. I remember the days when I also took the long way around Target! I love your term "more adjusted" - that really seems to hit the nail on the head for me. Prayers for a peaceful Fathers Day and for the next 4 mos. The anticipation of their bdays can be rough

King J's Queen said...

You can count on our continued prayers. I am thankful that your new normal is beginning to settle. Is that the right word? I'm not sure what word to use. Take care.

Miche said...

You know our thoughts and prayers are continually with you guys as Isaac's 1st birthday approaches.

Take care!

Julie Simmons said...

beautiful post...glad to hear of the work God is faithfully doing on your heart. praying...

Kristin said...

that was beautiful! i will be praying for both of you, not only spencer on fathers day. you mde it through mothers day and will be able to help spencer through this rough day as a reminder that your son is not here with you to celebrate. my husband and i have lifted you both up in prayer many times and will continue to do so!

Misty Rice said...

Good morning sister.

I am proud of you. Not that I am proud at hearing you be so strong and so honest in your post. But I am just proud of you for your continued faith and your love for our God and little Isaac.

I can hear you growing more and more stronger....and I still know and realize that it doesn't mean by the time you went to bed or got up this morning that you felt completely opposite of that strength.....

We as your friends realize those twist and turns are expected also, and we stand beside you on the ups, downs and all arounds....

God is SO proud of you.....and I have no doubt that God has plans to make you a mother of 2 or more..

I will be praying at Fathers Day does approach. You have so much support here on this blog, and we can often forget about daddy who is over there with you too.

I know this will be an emotional time for all are in my prayers.

And in my opinion.... and I think YOU did ? But I think you both should always celebrate (if you feel up to it of course) mother's day and father's day. Its your day too.

Let's do a balloon release for Isaac on his 1st birthday. He is not forgotten, but he is loved.

Cheryl said...

I love the way your phrase it as being "more adjusted". I can completely relate. I have never felt completely over it, but did manage to adjust to a new normal. I have been praying for you and Spencer, and will continue to do so.


Loraaf said...

I admire your strength and your faith.You continue to be in my prayers.


nikki wood said...

What a beautiful, sweet baby boy.

asplashofsunshine said...

Such a sweet face! Great and truthful post, as always.

Katie said...

Praying for you today. Isaac is such a beautiful baby boy! :-)

Unknown said...

This brought tears to my eyes. You will never stop missing Isaac. I don't think any of us will :)

Raising Davis Darlings said...

I know this is a tough time Stacy. You are in my prayers.

Charity said...

Missing baby Isaac with you today.
You were blessed with such a beautiful baby boy.
Thank you for your living testimony of God's healing and grace.

April said...

To know that you have come so far in these past 8 months makes me so happy for you. With each stone that you lay, in the life long process of rebuilding your life, reflection is necessary.

The fact that you are now able to walk past the baby dept is huge. And looking at your friends babies without feeling (understandable) resentment, but rather joy for their gift - is an enormous and most difficult milestone.

My mother lost my brother 21 years ago as an infant to congential diaphragmatic hernia, undiagnosed until birth and she went through the journey you are going through now. That pain in your soul everytime you think of Isaac will never go away, and it shouldn't. With great love, there is great loss and as you begin to move forward with your live with the love and memory of your son - God will continue to do wonderful things.
God Bless

The Writer Chic said...

Sigh. I hate that I'm thankful you have walked this road before me. But this post gives me hope in a way you make not realize. Thinking of you today.

Carly said...

Stacy- I'm thinking of Isaac, Spencer, and you today. You are all in my heart and in my prayers. Love, Carly

Sonya said...

Always praying for you and Spencer.

Laura said...

I have been thinking of you today....8 months. A big number and the 1 year mark is creeping up. You are walking this so well...moving forward, but never forgetting.

Sending much love,

Angela said...

My heart goes out to you, Stacy. I can't even imagine how difficult this trial has been for you, but I do know that God's grace is sufficient. Thanks for sharing your strength... and your weakness. When we are weak, He is strong!

God bless,

Mochamama said...

Stacy- Thanks so much for sharing your story. I started reading your story while I was pregnant with my son Mason and had no idea how God would use it to help me after I gave birth to him stillborn, at 20 weeks. Its been so hard for me to talk to my friends because even though they mean well and love me and my family they don't understand how i'm feeling. I'm praying for you.
God bless.

Unknown said...

Praying for you!

Jacksmom said...

I love the way you wrote this post. I don't think anyone would you expect you to ever "not miss" Isaac as much as you do. How could they? He is your son regardless of how long he was here on Earth. I expect you to miss him just as much now as you did on October 8th. But I am glad to hear that you are adjusting to a new norm. I think that is healthy, and I'm just so grateful that our prayers are helping and you are making progress with your healing and grieving. We continue to pray for both of you, and for a peaceful Father's Day and remainder of this first year. We love you all and said a special prayer for you guys today.

Devon said...

i'm glad the roller coaster is a bit straighter for you...i can't believe its been 8 months since your little boy has been gone.

where does the time go?

i'm thankful for you, for what you are teaching me, for your heart...

know that isaac is never far from my heart and thoughts and i know that him and blake and ethan are buds. i just know it...

The Crivella Family said...

It sounds like you are doing better, and that is good! I am just a lurker but you live where I grew up! This question may be too personal but I was wondering if you and your husband were planning on trying to expand your family again. You don't have to answer if it is too personal I was just wondering!

Cynthia said...

When my brother in law dies suddenly leaving my sister with two kids (one just turned two) I prayed that they adjust to their new "normal".

Praying for peace as Father's Day approaches.

Thnking of you often.


Cynthia said...

When my brother in law dies suddenly leaving my sister with two kids (one just turned two) I prayed that they adjust to their new "normal".

Praying for peace as Father's Day approaches.

Thnking of you often.


Michele said...

many prayers for your upcoming days as well as for the part of this journey that you are currently on. we may only hold them for a short time, but they will always live on in our hearts and lives, and we will see them again one day.

Laura said...

So beautiful, so real, so truthful and so strong. You are amazing is your little man Isaac. Bless him.

pollykinz said...

You have such a gift with words and continue to touch my heart every time I read. Continued prayers and strength to you and Spencer.

Aunt Becky said...

He's so beautiful. Whenever I come to your site, I'm overtaken by his beauty. Love to you and kisses to heaven.

Julie Tallman said...

Praise God for his faithfulness! I have posted a comment or two but haven't known what to say...I have been praying for you and your beautiful family for over 9 months and am overjoyed that things are a bit more steady for you. I will continue to pray for your family that God continues to heal your heart while preserving all of your sweet memories of Isaac! God Bless You!
Billings, MT

Julie Dickson said...

Praying for you...

Unknown said...

Isaac certainly is sweet. I just prayed for you and your hubby. I personally think that Mother's Day is the hardest holiday after losing a baby - and I imagine Father's Day is also very hard for our hubbys.

Blessings to you as you trust in God through your cotinued heartache.

Anonymous said...

Your blog's very inspirational and I see you know God's sovreign and trust and depend on Him for your strength. Never change that and sooner or later you'll heal. You'll never forget but God will allow you to move forward when the time is right. You're a strong Christian and I have no doubts you'll be ok.

We lost one full term baby girl after being married for 3 years. It tested my faith which I thought was SO STRONG but God gave me the strength I needed and I leaned on Him for all my strength or I nor Bill never would have gotten through it!!

Now we finally have two beautiful and wonderful daughters age 6 and 8 and we're trying to have another one but have been trying for over a year now. Bill wants to wait another year. I want to adopt but I'm kneeling every day asking God to let me do His will and know when it's time to give up and adopt. Bill's fine with adopting but knew it took awhile for us to have our girls so he wants to continue to give it more time but I'm not a patient person and would like to go on and adopt.

God bless you and I'll be praying for you-for sure!
Drop by and read a huge mess of a blog. I know NOTHING about blogging OR computers and don't want to know about computers. They steal too much time from me as it is & have probably lost my mind for even starting a blog!! I'm trying though and love sharing our dream home we built b/c of Kelly's Korner having the home tours. It's fun to share and we have a lot to share. We are so blessed! God has been more than generous to us and I've never had to work and I've always been a stay at home mom but I do have a lot of help and had a nanny for 8 years now and now Melissa's like our daughter (really closer in age to me as a sister but since she lost her mother, I feel more like a mother to her than a sister!)...and our girls love her like a sister instead of a nanny! You'll have to read some of my posts to understand.

Only reason I WISH I knew how to do things on puters is so I could figure out how to add scriptures and pictures, etc. on the front page of my blog but I'd never figure that out. Took me HOURS just to create a blog-and lost it!! lol Had to BEG the girls to help me and they said even a monkey could do blogs but they were just razzing and teasing me and making me laugh---we were splitting our sides laughing over how much I messed up everthing! They said good luck mom-and ran to their! Little stinkers! They are growin like weeds and growing up toooo fast for us!! HELP---can we turn time down please??!!??

Well my blog's a mess but I just did the best I could.
Yours is gorgeous!!!!! Love it!!

God bless you and yours!

Great Auntie D- said...

Sorry. I didn't mean for my comment to be anonymous! Figures though that I'd mess up-seems like every blog handles how you get your comments posted differently and ALL very confusing to me! Totally lost at all of this!

My blog is: Live To Love and on Kelly's Korner's list for home tours, mine's just listed as: Sandra (I had no clue what to put when I did that!)....
Hope you'll drop by and look at one big mess of a blog!! lol

God bless!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you today. Your words (as always) are beautiful and your faith is contagious.


Erin said...

Still thinking about you and your family! Hope these summer days and nights are bringing a smile to your face!

~Kelli said...

Still thinking about you and will be praying for the golf tournament and for Spencer (and you!)

Beautiful post!

FSD said...

As always, such a beautiful post, and a beautiful tribute to your sweet Isaac. I admire your faith and trust in God. I'm happy the Lord is helping your feel "more adjusted" as you take this journey.

I will be praying for you and specific items you requested.

Blessings to you.