Isaac Timothy

A while back I posted that I love the name Noah. Spencer didn't, which is okay. With the way that this story has been unfolding, I am not sure it's the perfect fit, either.

Yesterday, we officially named our little boy Isaac Timothy. I am sure the first name goes without explanation, but I'll give one anyway. I wrote a little while ago about how I have always been drawn to the story in Genesis 22 about Abraham and Isaac. God called Abraham to obedience and complete faithfulness to Him by being willing to lay Isaac on the altar and to trust God to provide, knowing that even if he were to slay Isaac, God could raise him from the dead. Thankfully, it didn't get that far, and God provided the ram in the thicket instead. Although Spencer and I obviously don't feel like we're being called to slay our son, we do know that we are being called to lay our son in God's hands, and to so fully trust in Him... not knowing what the days ahead will look like, but knowing that God can intervene at any time.

Timothy means "to honor God." Not only did we think that it sounds good with Isaac, but we want so much for God to be glorified and honored by the choices we make, the way we walk through this (although I know some days might get ugly), and most importantly, by the way we love Him, each other, and our son.

So Isaac Timothy it is. We were undecided about whether or not we were going to share his name ahead of time. Ordinarily, I don't think we would have. But given the circumstances, I want you to be able to pray for him by name. I want his presence to matter and to be real. I want the chance to use his name rather than have it just be something given in rememberance.

I also started another blog with the hopes of compiling it all into a book (I hear there's a website that does that) at the end. It's essentially just a compilation of letters that I am writing to Isaac. The link is http://mydearisaac.blogspot.com/ in case you'd like to check it out.

I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday looking for a book... I didn't know which one really. I wasn't sure if I was looking for a book on infant loss, a book on loving well, or just what. I came across this book by Carol Kent called "When I Lay My Isaac Down." I was captivated by the title and took it off the shelf. The tag line for the book read, "Unshakeable faith in unthinkable circumstances." I had to read more.

This is a true story of Carol and her husband Gene's son, Jason, who was arrested for the murder of his wife's ex-husband. It's not about infant loss, or a pregnancy with a poor diagnosis. I think it's almost better that it's not. What it is about is the grief that these parents faced, the uncertainty of the road ahead, and the helplessness of not being able to help their son. It's about choosing to trust God when He seems to make no sense.

That's what Abraham did... and he was richly, richly blessed. I want that kind of faith... it doesn't mean that it looks pretty or perfect, but it's a faith that knows there's a bigger picture and a God who is in control of it all.

So would you please continue to pray for our sweet Isaac? For God to intervene and perform a miracle? That He would fix Isaac's abdomen, straighten his little spine, and cause his lungs to grow? Would you please pray that he wouldn't ever be in any sort of pain? And lastly, would you please pray for the grace and the peace for Spencer and I to keep walking through this well?

What Does It Mean?

I want to thank each of you for your encouraging comments, e-mails, and phone calls over these last two days. Sometimes I sit here and just hit the refresh button on my computer hoping that another message will come through and will encourage my heart.

It has been a long two days... longer than any two I can remember, really. Yesterday I watched some videos on You Tube that a church put out. They had to do with what happens when life hands you "Plan B" because your orginal plans and dreams were shattered. They interviewed Todd and Angie Smith, whom I have mentioned before (and sweet Angie even took the time to comment on my last post... THANK YOU!)and I was just captivated. I felt like so many aspects of their story is our story, though their's has unfolded a bit more than ours currently has.

One of the things they talked about was living in this balance of maintaining hope in who God is and the fact that He could at any time perform a miracle and fix all of this, with the need to face and plan for the reality that lies ahead. They put into words the exact tension that my heart and mind are experiencing. I have included the videos at the end of this post.

What does that mean? What does that look like? How does that play itself out when you're at the baby pool with your friend and her kids, and the other moms notice that you're pregnant and start asking if this is your first (I never know how to answer that), when you are due, etc. How do you answer? How will that play itself out when I go back to work in August at a new school, with a brand new staff, looking very pregnant? How do I live out that balance day after day in these next 18-20 weeks so that God continues to be honored by my thoughts, words, and actions?

In the short time I have had to think about that, I haven't figured it out. I feel like God is just saying to me that I don't have to... I just need to bring it to Him. He will show me.

Would you continue to pray with us? Would you pray that God would heal our baby boy and make him whole? That He would straighten his spine, un-teather his spinal cord, heal his abdomen, and cause his lungs to grow? Would you pray that God would teach Spencer and I how to live in the balance of having hope in what God could still do (because nothing is too big for Him), with the reality of what may lie ahead? Would you pray that He would help us to enjoy every moment with our sweet little boy while he is here, whether that's in the womb or out? And would you please pray that we would love well through this? We continue to cherish your encouragement, your prayers, and your friendships.

Smith Family Story Part 1




Smith Family Story Part 2




Smith Family Story Part 3

He's My Son

In case you may not have figured out, I love music. Somehow it just captures my heart and speaks to my soul. Mark Schultz is an artist I am particularly fond of because his lyrics express things within me that my words never could. Here's the first verse and the chorus of one of his older songs called "He's My Son"...

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself

His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

I always was touched by the pain that this child's parents were experiencing... now I can relate.

Today we had our marathon day at Children's National Medical Center. I wish that I had some positive news to report. In some ways I do. The cystic hygroma is gone, and the cardiologist said that she thinks the heart looks normal. It was still difficult for them to see all that they needed to.

However, the overall report we received today was devastating. The omphalocele is much larger than they had thought. It not only includes the intestines and liver, but also the stomach and part of the bladder. In addition, a new problem arose. Our little boy's spine has an extremely sharp curvature (about 90 degrees) forward, about midway down his back, though higher up then where your back typically bends. It is also bent sideways somewhat. There is also an issue with the spinal cord, something about it being teathered. Consequently, his lungs are extremely small and not developing normally. They are suspecting something called hypoplasia of the lungs.

One of the difficulties with repairing an omphalocele with a normal spine and normal lungs can be breathing difficulties for the baby in the short term. However, with the underdeveloped lungs, the spine the way that it is, and the extremely small abdominal cavity, things do not look good. Although the omphalocele is fixable, the underdeveloped lungs and spine are not.

When we asked the doctors point blank, they said that there's a very strong likelihood that our little boy will die shortly after birth because his lungs would be too underdeveloped to allow him to breathe on his own.

Needless to say, Spencer and I are completely devastated and crushed. Although we knew this could be what we heard today, it wasn't what we were expecting. We really were expecting God to show up in a big way. Maybe He has and I have yet to recognize it.

We could really use your prayers for peace and for wisdom in some pretty significant decisions we're going to need to make with regard to medical intervention. I would also really appreciate your prayers for the boldness to love our baby well while he's still here with us... that I would enjoy feeling him kick and move, even though I know my time with him will most likely be extremely short.

I'll end with some more song lyrics. This is a song Todd Smith (from Selah) and his wife Angie wrote for their little girl, Audrey, who passed away shortly after birth. I changed the word "her" to "him".

"I Will Carry You"

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Thanks for your continued prayers and encouragement. We definitely need them :)

Melanie

Hello again,

I just received a call from my sweet friend Melanie who is 31 weeks pregnant with her second baby. She went into pre-term labor Friday morning, and is still in the high-risk area of the labor and delivery ward at the hospital. The doctors have tried to stop the labor, but she has still been having contractions today and the ultrasounds showed that the baby's head is very low.

Please pray for her... she is scared and worried about her little one. Please pray that the doctors are able to stop her from going into labor, that the baby isn't under any stress, and that she is able to remain hopeful. I am hoping to visit her tomorrow after all of our appointments since the hospital where she is staying is near Children's.

So... lots of updates coming tomorrow!

Philippians 4:6

Hi,

This post will be quick. I have my first "proud mommy" moment to share! This weekend our little guy had been moving around so much, that I put my hand on my stomach to see if I could feel him kick from the outside, and I did!!! Spencer and my sister Kate both got to feel him move too. It was so, so cool. I know for Spencer it made his little presence even more real. I love it. I love him.

Tomorrow is a huge day for us. To be honest, in some ways I have been really anxious, despite repeating Philippians 4:6 to myself over and over, "Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." So when I feel anxious, I pray.

Would you please join us in living out Philippians 4:6 by praying with us for tomorrow? Specifically, would you please pray:
- For God to work out a miracle for our little boy
- That the cystic hygroma has continued to shrink and that hydrops have still not developed
- That our little boy's heart looks perfect and that the cardiologist can conclusively say that it is in his chest
- This his brain and spinal column have continued to develop normally
- That his lungs look perfect and are developing just as they should
- That there are no signs or markers of a genetic syndrome (Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome and Pantology of Cantrell often have an omphalocele as a marker, so additional markers could point to one of these)
- That the omphalocele hasn't gotten any larger and that no other abdominal organs, like the spleen or kidneys, are exposed
- The the baby's limbs and everything else have developed perfectly
- For the doctors-- for wisdom in their interpretations of their findings, that they would be somehow impacted by our faith and that God would use this to influence their lives
- For a heart of peace for Spencer and I, that we would be able to hear and understand what the doctors are saying, and for wisdom as we continue to walk forward through this.

Last night I realized that although living in so much unknown has been hard, one thing that has been great about it is that it leaves room for hope. Knowing that the hygroma had shrunk, that his heart has 4 chambers, and that the omphalocele is fixable has given me a lot of reason to have hope and to believe that our little boy, although will have a tough road ahead of him, will be okay. I think my anxiousness has stemmed from the fact that tomorrow the doctors will be able to see so much more and may be able to more definitively deliniate what is going on. My fear in that is if what we hear isn't good, that there will be less room for hope and that it will be harder to remain optimistic. Would you please pray that God would guard our hearts, my heart, against that?

Finally, I can truly say that this experience is the first time in which I have really had this true desire to fast. I wish I could say that there have been other experiences where I have felt lead to do that, but for some reason I haven't. I don't why. The trouble is that I don't think that being 20 weeks pregnant is a good time to fast because it wouldn't be healthy for the baby. So, if any of you feel so inclined to fast and to pray today or tomorrow on our little boy's behalf, it would mean the world to me.

Thank you to each of you who has read our blog, left notes of encouragement, and has prayed for us and for our son. God continues to be so faithful, and I am hopeful that we see an even bigger glimpse of that faithfulness tomorrow in a way that brings glory to God.

I will be sure to update when we get home.

Better Than Expected

Today we had a "routine" prenatal appointment. My OB and I both chuckle everytime she marks that on her sheet because nothing about this pregnancy seems routine.

Not many details to share... boring things like my blood pressure looks good, and the fact I gained six pounds in five weeks (seriously?!?!). Then there are the not so boring things, like the little man's heartbeat being found right away and it beating healthfully in the 150's.

We talked about the perinatologist's report from a few weeks ago and she was delighted to see in the report that so far the brain looks good and that there are no signs of neural tube defects. I also mentioned to her that the hygroma had shrunk and she seemed glad to hear that. She mentioned that "this isn't good..." referring to the omphalocele, but we already knew that.

What was encouraging was to hear her saying at the beginning of the appointment, "You guys are taking a real leap of faith here, and we want to support you in any way we can." Then, after our discussion of the perinatologist's report, she said, "This all looks a lot better than I expected it to."

You could have picked my jaw up off the floor. Of course, there wasn't any new information to speak of. But, she was surprised... surprised that what she is reading is better than she originally thought.

That's God at work!

I told her, "Well, we've been praying, and maybe those prayers are really working!" She politely smiled, nodded, and said, "Mmmhmmm." I don't know where this doctor stands with any of that. But I knew it was God at work, and knew that He deserves the praise for the good things that are happening (even in the midst of some ugly, not so good things). Would you pray for her that she would recognize that, too?

God is a God who delivers the "better than expected." There's a great promise in Jeremiah 29:11 when God declares to prosper us and not to harm us, and promises to give us a hope and a future.

So, would you pray with us that next week we would be fortunate enough to hear those same words from the other doctors with whom we meet? That things look "better than expected," and that our little boy is free of any heart defects, issues with his lungs or any other major organs, and that despite the omphalocele, he is continuing to grow healthy and strong? Would you pray that Spencer and I would remain joyful in hope, and for a bright future with our little guy... however long that may be? And would you pray for the grace for Spencer and I to handle what we hear that day with courage and peace in our hearts?

Facing the Giants

Well wouldn't it fit that after my own reflection about Abraham and Isaac, that we would go to church yesterday and our Pastor would preach on that very same passage. It was overwhelming.

He has been doing a series entitled "Facing the Giants," focusing on various trials that we face in life. Yesterday's was on the topic of sacrifice. The overiding theme focusing on being willing to give up what you love the most, and allowing God to provide what you need the most. Abraham was willing to give up Isaac, the beloved son that he and Sarah had waited so long for, and trusted God to provide what he would need. And God didn't fail. He came through.

I have been so encouraged lately by the acts of God's faithfulness that I have seen all around me... He always is, and He will continue to be. What has been really cool lately is that I have started to feel the little man move. Often, it's those "flutters" to which people refer, but sometimes there's a noticeable kick or jab in there... nothing to hard, but obvious nonetheless.

I love it. I love that it is a reminder that there is a life inside of me, and a little boy who needs to know how much he is loved, despite what the ultimate outcome might be. Those little kicks and movements just make everything so much more real, and are times that I can truly say that I can enjoy this pregnancy. They are little bouts of ammunition that I can carry with me, allowing me to love my little boy in the face of uncertainty and sometimes fear... the little rocks that I can load in my slingshot, just like David did, while facing the giant battle ahead. God is good... He is faithful.

In the Meantime

It has been a while since Spencer and I have received any real news about our little man. Granted, it was wonderful to hear at the echocardiogram that his heart has 4 chambers. Sometimes the waiting, though, is just so hard. We're approaching our next prenatal appointment this Tuesday, and those are usually uneventful... a heartbeat check and then lots of dialogue with my OB. A week from Tuesday is our big day at Children's Hospital, a day where I hope we have a better picture of what's going on with our little guy, and hope even more that the picture and prognosis are better than anyone would have ever hoped or dreamed.

What has been hard lately is knowing how to live life well in the meantime. There are days where that's a breeze, and other days where I find myself in situations just not feeling like myself. Work has been like that lately. I haven't told my students that I am pregnant, even though it has become quite obvious and I am pretty sure they've figured it out (middle schoolers love to talk, ya know!). That has been weird. This past Friday evening I was back at my home church for a Sara Groves and Derek Webb concert to benefit Blood:Water Mission (if you've never heard of it... check it out at http://www.bloodwatermission.com/!). I ran into some of my sister's friends and some of my old friends from growing up, all of whom were congratulating me on my pregnancy and asking all of the "normal" questions.... Is it a boy or a girl? When is he due? Do you have ideas for a nursery yet? Any names picked out?

I wanted to say, "But wait... you don't understand... it's not like that... this isn't good... we don't know what's going to happen." But I didn't. Because it is good... it's not the way it's supposed to be, but God is soverign, He is allowing it, and He is always good. So it's good.

I have had a paradigm shift lately in my understanding of what "good" means. I always used to think of it as something favorable. This circumstance certainly isn't favorable... it's not the way I would plan it or have wanted it to be.

So I looked up the word "good" on dictionary.com, and do you know what the first definition said? " 1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous." I had never really thought of those words first when I thought of "good." All the time you hear people say that God is good... doesn't this definition just fit? And if He is good, then this trial... this valley that He is walking us through is also good because somehow it is shaping us into people who are more like Him.

Living life well in the meantime has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now. It's easy to let your circumstances get you down and to pull you into this viscious cycle of self-pity and pessimism. And there are days where the sadness and grief are real, and for good reason. I've been learning that living life well in the meantime means giving yourself the grace to have those moments, but then having the courage and the strength to choose joy in the midst of hardship... just like Paul when he is imprisoned talking about his hardships and then proclaiming that his joy knows no bounds.

Living life well in the meantime also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I have always been drawn to the story of Abraham and Isaac because I have always been astounded by Abraham's faith and God's provision. Lately, I have felt like Abraham because of his call to be willing to place Isaac on the altar and to let God do what He is going to do. That type of surrender is heart-wrenching, I think in part due to the amount of vulnerability that it requires.

So I am still learning what it means to live life well in the meantime, but so far God has been gracious in allowing me to find joy in the midst of hardship and has brought me to a place of unprecedented reliance on Him.

Would you please pray with us for our upcoming appointments? Particularly for our day at Children's Hospital, that we would receive more information, that Spencer and I would be able to maintain hearts of peace regardless of what we hear, but most of all, that the baby's heart, lungs, brain, limbs, size would all be perfect?

Kristin

Hello,

Our dear friend Kristin is about 9 weeks pregnant with her first baby. The last two ultrasounds have not been good. The baby was measuring a bit behind, and they have been unable to detect a heartbeat. Last week, Kristin and her husband were told that they had miscarried, but knowing that the baby was measuring about 6 1/2 weeks, they wanted to wait a week for another ultrasound because they thought it could be too early to see a heartbeat.

Today they have that follow-up ultrasound at 3:45. Would you please pray for them? Would you please pray for a heart of peace leading up to the appointment, for God to intervene in a big way, for clarity of what is seen on the ultrasound, and for the grace to accept whatever it is God chooses to do in this?

Thank you for joining me in praying for them.

Mighty to Save

It was once said that music is the soundtrack to life. I am one of those people that when I find something I love, I stick with it. At certain restaurants, I always order the same thing. There are movies that I would watch over and over again before wanting to try a new one. I tend to be the same way with music, too.

There's a song we sing at church that at first I wasn't too keen on. I heard a slightly different version of it by Laura Story on the radio recently and it just touched my heart. Now, I seem to hear it all the time. It was the last song that came on during my drive home on Sundayafternoon, came on Monday morning on my way in to work... it's rare that I am in the car and it doesn't come on.

Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine Your light and
Let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King
Jesus

Saviour
He can move the mountains
For my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

As I continued to sing and to hear this song over and over, it has sort of become one of my anthems. It's in my head all day, and I am so grateful for God's goodness in that. The refrain is the cry of my heart... if God can move the mountains, then why wouldn't he be able to do something equally as big and miraculous in our little boy's life? And wouldn't that miracle be a light to the world, bringing glory to God?

We have a while before our next appointment with any specialists. The waiting is hard. My next regular prenatal visit is June 10, and we go for an echocardiogram, MRI, and to consult with a pediatric surgeon at Children's Hospital on June 17. In the meantime, would you continue to pray that God would be mighty to save our little boy? That the God, who is mighty enough to move mountains and conquer death, would be mighty enough to do a miracle in out little boy's life?

If you're interested in hearing this song, one version is on the playlist for this blog. You can hear the one by Laura Story (my personal favorite) at http://www.laurastorymusic.com/ at the bottom of the page.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.