Pictures

Yesterday Spencer and I had our final ultrasound before Tuesday. I was really hoping that 1- We'd get the ultrasound tech who always seems to manage to get great pictures of Isaac, and 2- that Isaac would turn his little face so we could see it. We were blessed by both of these things at yesterday's appointment.

I couldn't believe how big Isaac has gotten. Granted, I am carrying him around and so in some ways I do know, but to see his face and how it looks like such a real person with fully developed features, chubby cheeks, and even a little sense of humor was just amazing. I know I will be even more amazed on Tuesday.

In this first one I love just how chubby his little cheeks are...


In this one, he is sucking his fist. He kept trying to put his whole hand in his mouth. I know that's not too clear in the picture, but it was pretty obvious on the screen.

Spencer and I both really like this one... and we decided pretty quickly that he has my nose and Spencer's lips.


This last one is a little blurry, but I love the little fishy face he's making. A few people have told us that it looks like he's puckering up to give us a kiss!


I can't wait to hold him and just stare at his little sweet face for real.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us as Tuesday approaches. Please pray that we're able to enjoy this weekend together as a family and that we are able to make that time special. We're a little limited in things we can do, because I am supposed to be taking it really easy since I am still having pretty consistent braxton hicks contractions despite the terbutaline. Please also pray that we would just be enveloped by God's perfect peace... I know that nothing else can calm the fear, anxiety, and anticipation of the upcoming days. Please pray that amidst the sadness, we would still be able to experience the joy of meeting your first child for the first time. And please don't stop asking for a miracle; we know it's not too late.

October

When I wrote the date on the board in my classroom for my students yesterday, I froze. Thankfully, they weren't there yet, and it was just me (and Isaac) in my room getting things ready before they arrived. I cried. A lot.

Logically, of course October comes after September; it is starting to feel like fall around here, neighbors are starting to put out pumpkins and mums on their porches, and the grocery stores have aisles dedicated to Halloween candy. In a lot of ways, it seems time for it to be October. But I think part of me has been in denial that October would ever come, and now that it has, it makes everything feel so... final.

When I went to bed on Tuesday night, I realized it was my last Tuesday with Isaac in my tummy... maybe my last Tuesday with him at all. And again, I just cried (and cried... and cried). I started to pray and I the only words I found that would come out (not audibly, but in my head) were, Lord I need you. Please protect us. I just didn't know what else to say. And so I said that over and over.

Yesterday I was asked what I am looking forward to about Tuesday. At first it seemed like an odd question because there is so much anticipation of sadness surrounding that day. But in reality, there are some things I am looking forward to.

I am looking forward to meeting my son... the little guy who has been wiggling around in me for months, who kicks my ribs in the middle of the night and wakes me up, who moves around when I play him music, and who kicks back when Spencer talks to him. I am looking forward to just looking at him... figuring out whose nose and eyes he has... if his ears are more like mine or Spencers. And I am looking forward to to just kissing his little face over and over again... enough to last a lifetime. I hope that these are the things I can think about on Monday night and Tuesday morning, and in the few days between now and then as the anticipation builds.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us and for your words of encouragement... we need them and are blessed to know that there are many who are walking with us.

Beautiful

Spencer and I were talking this weekend about how it feels like the weeks are flying by, and the weekends are flying by even faster. I wish there was some button on the remote control of life that would allow me to just put everything in slow motion for the next nine days. I don't know if it's the fact that we have had so many doctor's appointments recently, or that I am just keenly aware of the fact that the time we have left until October 7th really is that short. Regardless, I just wish it would all slow down.

Anyhow... to the title of this post. When I think of beautiful things, I think of the sunrise I saw this morning on my way to work which I told Isaac all about... the way that the sky was just starting to illuminate and strokes of clouds were delicately brushed across the sky. I think of the numerous rainbows I saw right after summertime thunderstorms. I think of the woman who anointed Jesus with perfume, and the beautiful sacrifice that she made.

And I think of Isaac.

At my appointment last Friday, I asked my doctor to explain to me exactly how a c-section works. She was very honest about it, but her explanation definitely did calm my fears a little bit. I am pretty nervous about getting a spinal; yet, she explained that she didn't think it would be nearly as painful as the CVS testing I had done back at 14 weeks. I am nervous that the procedure is more complicated than usual, and she explained that although this may be true, it isn't anything that is putting me in any more jeopardy. And then, as she was measureing my stomach to see if I was measuring on track (which I was), she said something to Spencer and I that we will not ever forget:

Stacy, I want you to know that when he's born, he's going to look like a real baby. He will be beautiful.

It was all I could do not to lose it laying on the table in that tiny examination room.

Beautiful.

It would be untrue to say that there hasn't been some fear about the fact that Isaac has so many anomalies and how I would be able to handle that. It didn't help that the doctor who has given Spencer and I a little "trouble" in the past "kindly" explained to us that babies with "deformations" can look a little scary. (Really... who says that to a patient in this situation?!). I was so thankful for my doctor's words that afternoon, and to know that she is with us in this.

Beautiful.

He will be... how could you not think that of your own son? I just wish I knew that I would get to keep him.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us as October 7th approaches. Our hearts are definitely becoming increasingly more heavy, and we really need and appreciate your prayers.

Isaac's Playground

We have received some questions about whether or not there has been a fund set up in Isaac's name or a cause to which Spencer and I are connected that people could donate to in honor of Isaac. We are blessed by your inquiries.

Spencer and I have been working on bringing to life an idea that we had back in the summer time, and I am excited to share that the wheels are in motion. We wanted to provide folks the opportunity, if they felt inclined, to give to something (in lieu of flowers) in honor of Isaac. We wanted it to be something that seemed like a really good fit and that felt right in our hearts.

And so...

We are going to have a playground built in Isaac's honor at our church. We've been working with our pastor and the director of children's ministries there, and they have both been tremendously supportive of the idea and of our vision for this. We are grateful for the way God is putting the pieces together.

Our church currently meets in a high school, though we just broke ground on our new property. Our building is expected to be completed in fall of 2009, though we know there's a chance things could get backed up with permits, etc. Since winter would not be a good time to install the playground, the hope would be to build the playground in the spring of 2010.

We are still figuring out the details of who checks should be made out to, but we will let you know as soon as we do.

More details to come...

Thirteen

Some people say 13 is a lucky number, some say it's unlucky. It had been my dad's number on his softball team, and the number on my jersery for a few soccer seasons.

Now, it's the time we have left with Isaac. If I were to write out all the things that this fact stirs up within me, I am not sure it would sound a whole lot different than my post entitled 20 Days... except in some ways worse. The closer October 7th gets, the harder my days are becoming.

So instead, I decided to include 13 ways for you to pray for us...

1. For a miracle... we know that it's not too late, and that God had the power to heal Isaac should that be His will. Please don't stop asking.
2. For His peace that surpasses understanding... there's a lot we don't understand about all of this; but we desire to rest in the peace of the truth of who God is.
3. For strength... just getting through our days at work has become a pretty laborious task.
4. For my body to continue to cooperate with this medicine and not go into labor prior to October 7.
5. For my fears to be calmed about having a c-section.
6. For the doctors, nurses, and hospital staff that will be working with us... that they may see Christ through our choices, through our love for Isaac, and through our love for each other.
7. For the doctors performing the c-section... that they would be able to navigate this more "complicated" procedure in a way that would be as pain-free as possible for Isaac and that wouldn't put my body or health in jeopardy in any way.
8. For Spencer... that God would strength and uphold him as he continues to comfort and support me.
9. For our parents and sibblings... they, too, are experiencing a loss.
10. For the details we're trying to work on regarding a burial service and a memorial service for Isaac... that the details would come together and they would both honor Isaac and bring glory to God.
11. For the details we're working on with our church regarding having a playground built in Isaac's honor
12. For a good night's sleep each night, and particularly the night of October 6.
13. For God to carry us and make His presence very real to us in the weeks and months to come.

Thank you so much for praying.

I Will Carry You

I posted these lyrics a while back, but I was listening to this song again as I was re-doing the music on my iPod this morning. This song, "I Will Carry You," was written by Todd and Angie Smith, for their daugher, Audrey, and was recorded by Selah. I was so moved when I first heard the lyrics, but now, as October 7 approaches (way too quickly), it rings even truer with me.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you


It is so hard to think about all the "would have been's" and "could have been's..." about how I want so much to be able to read Isaac stories and rock him to sleep, take him on walks, play in the surf at the ocean with him, teach him to ride a bike and put a Band-Aid on his knee when he falls off trying to learn. It's hard to think about how we're not only going to miss our son, but that grandparents will miss their grandson; aunts and uncles will miss their nephew; and maybe one day, our future children will miss out on knowing their big brother. It's hard to think about what he might have been... somebody's teammate, best friend, husband, or Daddy.

I am thankful, though, that Isaac's life matters enough that his presense will be missed... that his life has significance, value, and weight. I am also thankful for the chance to be his Mommy, even though I know that time will be cut way too short.
And I am so grateful that Isaac will end up in a place where he will be loved by a God who loves him more perfectly and more completely than I ever could.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us in the upcoming days and weeks.

20 Days

I realized this morning that if all goes according to plan (which, as it seems we're learning lately, it rarely does), we have 20 days left with our sweet Isaac. Before, I was able to think of the time until my c-section in weeks; now it's days.

I have been thinking a lot about why moving my c-section up 10 days bothered me so much. I understand why it's the best decision from a medical standpoint, but it has been a hard thing for me to accept these last few days. I think the reality is that I feel like those 10 days are days that have somehow been stolen from me... days that I would rather get to feel Isaac kick and wiggle, knowing that he's safe and that he's alive.

I was asked yesterday if there were certain things I wanted to do or get done before he came. Truthfully, the answer is no. I just want more time. 20 days just doesn't seem like enough, even though I know that no finite number of days ever would be.

Tuesday evening I scoured every book in the Bible that had a chapter 10 verse 7, trying to find a verse that I thought would fit Isaac. Not one of them did. Some were sort of morbid, a few were generations in geneologies, and others seemed sort of random out of context. So instead, I turned to Psalm 107. I loved it. In particular, these three verses were of great comfort for me...

19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

20 He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

I had a little bit of trouble with verse 20. We, along with many of you, have been pleading with God to heal Isaac on this side of heaven. So far, the answer seems to be no. But I know, because His word is true and His love is unfailing, God will in fact ultimately heal Isaac; the grave is not the end. We know that he will be in a much safer and more perfect place. In that there is comfort, though I still would rather have him here for a while first.

Please continue to pray for us, that God would continue to sustain us with His strength, grace and peace, allowing us to enjoy even one more day with Isaac. Please pray that He would calm my numerous fears about having major surgery, and that the surgery itself would go smoothly and be free of any complications. And, please don't stop asking for a miracle.

Update

Hello,

Thanks so much for the many words of encouragement and prayers that were offered in even the short time since I last posted.

My doctor's appointment went okay. She did say that I am 1 cm dialated, which initially freaked me out, until I remembered that women can walk around for weeks beng 1-2 centimeters dialated. Let's hope that's the case.

She did, however, move up Isaac's scheduled birth date. My c-section is now scheduled for October 7th. This was a really difficult thing for me. Mentally and emotionally I have been preparing myself for mid-October, thinking that I had 4 weeks left getting to feel Isaac kick and wiggle. Now it's 3. I know that may not sound like a big deal, but somehow for me it really is.

We could use your prayers for quite a few things...
1- That my body doesn't decide to go into labor and that Isaac stays put until October 7th
2- That Spencer and I would be able to juggle things with our long-term subs at school without any problems
3- That all of the preparations, like having the specific nurses we've met with at the hospital, having the right rooms available for us, our very generous photographer not having a conflict on October 7... that all of those things would fall into place.
4- For grace and peace and strength in the 3 weeks we have left with sweet little Isaac.

Prayers for Today

We could use your prayers for our doctor's appointment today. We have an ultrasound scheduled as well. Please pray that there would be some clarity as to what our best next steps are with scheduling my c-section... whether it's sticking to our original time frame or possibly scheduling it early (which is not my favorite idea). Please ocntinue to pray that the terbutaline continues to keep the contractions at bay and that my body continues to adjust to it. And please pray for a sense of God's peace for us. I think having a plan in place was helping to give Spencer and I a feeling of some stability in the midst of a really difficult time, yet it feels as if all of those plans are completely up in the air right now. We know that God's timing is what's right, and we want to be open to that.

Thanks... I will update later this afternoon.

So THAT'S what a contraction is...

This morning I woke up and for reasons from which I will spare you, realized that things weren't quite right. I called the on-call doctor who wanted us to come down to Holy Cross so I could get checked out. Assuming the worst, I grabbed my hospital bag, a bag full of things for Isaac, my camera, and forgot my ID. Great! Meanwhile, Spencer DVR'ed the Jets game and got the car ready :)

We went to Holy Cross Hospital, had a horrendous time checking in (I was literally frustrated to the point of tears), and I was taken to triage in the labor and delivery unit and hooked up to a monitor. As we were there, a few other girls were admitted, chatting up a storm about how excited they were, how this is every grandparent's dream, etc. and at that point I did just burst out crying. Of course, that's the way it should be... excitement, anticipation... but it was hard to hear.

The on-call doctor came in, I filled him in again on what was going on, as well as the brief history of this pregnancy (he was somewhat familiar with it, but we havent' seen him at all through this), and the fact that should I need to deliver, it would have to be at Shady Grove due to the fact that we have met extensively with folks there and they are expecting us.

He took a look at the feed from the monitor, and apparently I has having contractions that were coming about 2 minutes apart. Nice. I suppose I might have recognized a contraction if we ever talked about "normal" pregnancy things in my prenatal visits, but since we don't, I had no idea.

I almost lost it again, mostly because I was just scared that they wouldn't be able to get them stopped. I was told they were Braxton Hicks, which they say are different from labor contractions, but you can never be fully sure. So, they (like me) wanted them stopped. After an IV and two shots of some "stop the contractions" medicine they let me come home. I have a perscription for an oral form of the medicine that I need to take every 4 hours from now until the end of the pregnancy. I was also told to take off of work Monday and Tuesday until my OB appointment Tuesday afternoon. So, it looks like I get an extended weekend :)

When I asked the doc what was causing the BH contractions, he said that sometimes with babies with an omphalocele there can be excess amniotic fluid which causes your uterus to enlarge, thus making your body "think" you're farther along than you are. He said that could be what was happening here. At each of my ultrasounds, my fluid has been at the highest end of the normal range, but perhaps it has now crossed over to the plain old high range. In addition to my OB visit on Tuesday, he wants me to get an ultrasound to have the fluid checked.

Anyhow, PLEASE pray that this medicine will do the trick and keep the contractions stopped. Not that I will ever be ready, but I am not ready for Isaac to be here yet. Also, it would really NOT be a good thing for this to turn into an emergency c-section because of all of the staff that needs to be present, how unique of a situation it is, etc. And please pray for my nerves :)