In the Meantime

It has been a while since Spencer and I have received any real news about our little man. Granted, it was wonderful to hear at the echocardiogram that his heart has 4 chambers. Sometimes the waiting, though, is just so hard. We're approaching our next prenatal appointment this Tuesday, and those are usually uneventful... a heartbeat check and then lots of dialogue with my OB. A week from Tuesday is our big day at Children's Hospital, a day where I hope we have a better picture of what's going on with our little guy, and hope even more that the picture and prognosis are better than anyone would have ever hoped or dreamed.

What has been hard lately is knowing how to live life well in the meantime. There are days where that's a breeze, and other days where I find myself in situations just not feeling like myself. Work has been like that lately. I haven't told my students that I am pregnant, even though it has become quite obvious and I am pretty sure they've figured it out (middle schoolers love to talk, ya know!). That has been weird. This past Friday evening I was back at my home church for a Sara Groves and Derek Webb concert to benefit Blood:Water Mission (if you've never heard of it... check it out at http://www.bloodwatermission.com/!). I ran into some of my sister's friends and some of my old friends from growing up, all of whom were congratulating me on my pregnancy and asking all of the "normal" questions.... Is it a boy or a girl? When is he due? Do you have ideas for a nursery yet? Any names picked out?

I wanted to say, "But wait... you don't understand... it's not like that... this isn't good... we don't know what's going to happen." But I didn't. Because it is good... it's not the way it's supposed to be, but God is soverign, He is allowing it, and He is always good. So it's good.

I have had a paradigm shift lately in my understanding of what "good" means. I always used to think of it as something favorable. This circumstance certainly isn't favorable... it's not the way I would plan it or have wanted it to be.

So I looked up the word "good" on dictionary.com, and do you know what the first definition said? " 1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous." I had never really thought of those words first when I thought of "good." All the time you hear people say that God is good... doesn't this definition just fit? And if He is good, then this trial... this valley that He is walking us through is also good because somehow it is shaping us into people who are more like Him.

Living life well in the meantime has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now. It's easy to let your circumstances get you down and to pull you into this viscious cycle of self-pity and pessimism. And there are days where the sadness and grief are real, and for good reason. I've been learning that living life well in the meantime means giving yourself the grace to have those moments, but then having the courage and the strength to choose joy in the midst of hardship... just like Paul when he is imprisoned talking about his hardships and then proclaiming that his joy knows no bounds.

Living life well in the meantime also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I have always been drawn to the story of Abraham and Isaac because I have always been astounded by Abraham's faith and God's provision. Lately, I have felt like Abraham because of his call to be willing to place Isaac on the altar and to let God do what He is going to do. That type of surrender is heart-wrenching, I think in part due to the amount of vulnerability that it requires.

So I am still learning what it means to live life well in the meantime, but so far God has been gracious in allowing me to find joy in the midst of hardship and has brought me to a place of unprecedented reliance on Him.

Would you please pray with us for our upcoming appointments? Particularly for our day at Children's Hospital, that we would receive more information, that Spencer and I would be able to maintain hearts of peace regardless of what we hear, but most of all, that the baby's heart, lungs, brain, limbs, size would all be perfect?