Thirty

They say that 30 is the new 20. We'll see.

Yesterday (March 9th), I turned 30. On Saturday, my dad, stepmom, sister, brother-in-law, and stepbrother came to celebrate my birthday. On the way to dinner, we stopped to visit Isaac since it was March 7, and it meant so much to me that they came.

Yesterday Spencer and I both took off work to celebrate my 30th birthday. My sweet husband organized a totally terrific day. He had been talking up this surprise day for a week, and I am not one to usually like surprises when I know they are coming. But I have to say I really enjoyed it this time.

My sister works at a high-end clothing store called South Moon Under, the type of place you love to look but never buy (at least I never do), and instead look for these same brands of clothes once they're on clearance at Marshalls, Ross, or TJ Maxx. But yesterday, Spencer called my sister and organized a shopping trip for me to go pick out some new clothes. It was great, and thank goodness my sister was there to help! I am a terrible shopper. :) She had my dressing room all ready for me, complete with some bottled water, Zazz (my favorite!), flowers, and some birthday cake! Spence and I took a mid-day shopping break and had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory before finishing up. It's nice to have some new clothes that fit and that look cute! And, Spence was a real trooper to handle all of that shopping!

Overall, though, this birthday has been hard, and I didn't really expect it do be. Sure, there's the whole thing of leaving my 20's, a period of time in my life that marked some pretty great things: graduating from college, getting married, starting my teaching career. But there was something, someone else who was part of my 20's... Isaac. I know that he will always be part of me, always be part of our family, but he won't be present in my 30's. Of course, my head knows that he is in the most perfect place, but my heart wants him here.

I think I am also having a hard time with the fact that I had always hoped to be a "young" mom. When I was younger and envisioned my life at 30, I envisioned having children at home and having the joy of raising them. I find myself even now saying "them" so I don't know if I had always hoped to have had more than one child by now... I don't know. But I know that for some reason, this birthday has intensified Isaac's absence. And that's just really hard.

The reminders have been everywhere this weekend. They were in the nail salon when I got a pedicure on Saturday and the pregnant girl was next to me. The guy doing her pedicure has three children, and he and his wife are expecting their fourth soon. They were talking all about it, those "dreaded sleepless nights" and I just started crying. Yes, the girl doing my pedicure did notice and asked why, and of course I explained. I just wanted say to the others talking, "I have a son, too, but he isn't here... and I would give anything for those sleepless nights. Please... feel fortunate." Other reminders were in random comments from people saying things like, "Well my dad always says it's better to be one year older than six feet under." And yes, this person knows about Isaac.

You see, when you lose a child, you don't only lose a child. You are left to deal with shattered dreams and hopes that won't be fulfilled... it's back to that ripple effect. I suppose, too, that when I stopped to think about my birthday, I just immediately started thinking about Isaac's birthday and all of the joy that came in meeting him for the first time, and the pain that reached into the depths of my soul when we said goodbye to him that night on October 7. I really, really miss him.

So I could really just use your prayers. God has been so faithful in carrying us through this, and I know He will continue to. I suppose it's just one of those times where I am finding myself taking twenty steps back, sitting back in the pit of grief. I know I won't always stay there, but I didn't expect something like my birthday to trigger this either. Thank you for your prayers for peace, for God to continue to meet us in our sorrow, and for Him to show us how to continue to have hope. I am confident that He will.