A Grace Disguised

Currently, I am in the middle of reading 4 different books. I have no idea why I can't just read one cover-to-cover and then pick up a new one. For some reason, this just seems to work better for me.

I recently started reading A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. Sittser is a professor or religion and received his MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary. He is also a bereaved parent. A man who lost his mother. A widower. He lost all three of these people, his youngest daughter, his mother, and his wife, in one tragic car accident in 1996.

I am only on page 75 of this book, but boy, does Sittser get it. He has lived it. He continues to live it, even 13 years later.

In his second chapter, entitled Whose Loss is Worse?, he talks about how all people suffer loss, but that really it's useless to compare losses. He does make a distinction, however, between natural and predictable losses and catastrophic, devastating, irreversible losses. The natural predictable losses include things like growing up... losing your youth, but gaining adulthood; or, watching your child get married... "losing" your child, but gaining a son or daughter in law.

Then there are the catastrophic, devastating, irreversible losses. About these, Sittser writes, "If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face some new devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life."

He continues this sort of analogy in chapter 5. Sittser talks about a couple named Andy and Mary, whose daughter, Sarah, was born with cerebral palsy. Sarah's health and development are not good, and their marriage is suffering.

Sittser writes, "Andy and Mary will never 'recover' from their loss. Nor can they. Can anyone really expect to recover from such tragedy, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss? Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss, by definition precludes recovery. It will transform or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. What ever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper."

Sittser continues on to talk about how that sorrow is in fact a sign of strength and authenticity; and how in Matthew 5, Jesus tells us that, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I suppose all of this just really resonated with me. It resonated with me that "recovering" isn't really an option because a deep, tragic loss forever changes you. It doesn't mean that you will be remain forever in the pit of sorrow and despair; because by God's grace, He meets us there and carries us through.

What hit me the most was when Sittser talked about how catastrophic loss has the power to transform or destroy us, but will never leave us the same. I am keenly aware that I will be forever changed. And as I spent time thinking about being transformed or destroyed, so many pieces of scripture came to mind...

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
~ 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

I thought a lot about that Ecclesiastes verse... about how in His time, God will make beauty from ashes. He has already started to... by His grace, God has allowed me to see glimpses of how Isaac's life and legacy are being used for good. He has set eternity in our hearts... a yearning for heaven that I had never known before; a complete shift in how I even view time. And all the while, I still can't get my head around how this fits into God's great plan. I don't understand why Isaac couldn't have been healed. But part of the grace God has shown me has been in the fact that He is enabling me to start slowly becoming more okay with not getting an answer as to "why," but to simply trust Him.

I am excited to finish the rest of this book... to read more about Sittser's journey and all that God has shown him.

I know I am not finished this book yet, but I have to say, that of all the books I've read, I would rank it up there with When I Lay My Isaac Down. This book is great if you've experienced a loss, or if you're the friend or loved one of someone who has and you're seeking to understand their pain. Sittser's honesty and authenticity about his pain, but also about the hope he has in our God, has just really touched my heart.