Tough Time at Work

This week I have just been tired. I am not sure if it's because my 1/2 marathon training is amping up, if I am still not yet recovered from my time at Outdoor Ed last week with my 6th grade students, or just what. I think that part of it, though, is that I am having a hard time with my job right now.

In college, I decided to pursue elementary education as my major because, in all honesty, I wasn't sure what else to declare. My mom was a teacher, my dad is a teacher, my grandmother, two aunts, great aunt, and stepmom all are or were teachers. I figured I would just get into the family business. :) I also liked how being a teacher seems to be a good fit for your family life as well, at least it worked out great while I was growing up.

When I started my career, I loved it. It was my life. I worked at the elementary school where I student taught for five years before making the switch to middle school. The girls with whom I started my teaching career have become such good friends. I loved the switch to middle school and being able to focus on just one subject. I also liked seeing a greater variety of students. Most of all, I really enjoyed the first middle school where I worked. It was in a great community, the same community in which Spencer and I were leading WyldLife. The only downer was that this school was a 50 minute commute from home.

When I found out I was pregnant with Isaac I didn't think that commute would still be reasonable. I was also looking to switch to a non-classroom position. I ended up accepting the position I currently hold (though still a classroom position) at a school only 15-20 minutes from home so that I could spend less time commuting, and more time with my son. I had my initial interview on a Tuesday, a second interview on a Friday, and accepted the job the following Monday.

That same Monday, only a few hours later, we had the ultrasound that changed our lives forever... it was the ultrasound that revealed Isaac's omphalocele and large cystic hygroma.

It's hard working in a place when the primary reason you decided to work there was to be more available for your child... and Isaac isn't here. To be honest, it has been a hard transition for me. The staff members at this school are very friendly; I think it's just hard working with people you aren't as close with when you're going through the most traumatic and painful experience of your life.

More so, though, I am having trouble being with students all day. I know that going back to any job after the loss of your own child would be difficult; but it feels like there's an added layer as a teacher. I spend six hours each day nurturing other people's children when I am so desperately longing for my own son. I think it has made it hard for me to want to go the extra mile for other people's kids when mine isn't here. And that's all on top of the need to be so "on" all day when on cool cloudy days like today, all I want to do is curl up in bed with a cup of hot tea and a book. I am not sure if that makes any sense or not, but it's real, and it's hard. It's particularly hard when I know that I should be doing my job at work as if unto the Lord; and outwardly I think it looks like I am. But inwardly, I am struggling.

I could just really use your prayers. I am worn out. I don't enjoy my job right now, and that's a difficult thing for me. In fact, while driving to work this morning, I thought about how I was glad that today I have two blocks off instead of one. I look forward to the time I can leave, and each week I find myself just longing for it to be the weekend again so I can be home, I can rest, I can have the time and space to grieve if I need or want to, and I can focus on the things that really matter to me.

Thankfully, our spring break isn't too far off... until then, thank you for praying :)