The Source

I can't remember if I mentioned here or not that I am "training" for a half marathon that's coming up at the end of this month. I use the term training very lightly. Last time I ran a half marathon, I trained for real; this time, I think I will be able to finish the race without walking. Anyhow, on my long run days, I have a lot of time to think. On Saturday, I was thinking a lot about Isaac, like I usually do. One of the things I have had a hard time with was that there was nothing I could do for him to make things better... I couldn't fix his tummy, I couldn't grow his lungs. As a mom, it's hard to feel so helpless when it comes to your child. But the Lord then reminded me that I was able to do something for Isaac...

Through God and His infinite wisdom in creation, I gave him life.

Not just in the decision to carry him to term, but the fact that my body physically kept him alive. I am amazed that in God's design, He has orchestrated such an intimate thing between a mother and her child.

As Isaac's birthday was approaching, I wrestled with the anxiety of knowing that when the doctors would cut the cord, that he would be cut off from the source that was giving him life.... that if the ultrasound and fetal MRI images were correct, and if God didn't intervene, that he wouldn't be able to survive on his own. In many ways, there was a part of me that wished I could have been pregnant with him forever, because I knew he was safe in there. In my womb, he had what he needed to live. You see, he was connected to the source of life.

I was thinking about how our lives are no different. One of my favorite passages is John 15, particularly verses 1-17:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.

The whole image of the vine and branches thing really works for me; but after having Isaac, it became even more profound... the fact that literally, a branch not connected to the vine will not be able to make it. I know it sounds obvious, and it is, but it hit me in a whole new way.

You know, walking through the loss of a child with faith in God is still an excruciatingly painful thing; but at the end of the day, there is hope... hope in the fact that I know Isaac is alive and well in heaven. I couldn't imagine walking through this without that hope.

I've appreciated so much the comments and the e-mails I have received from my readers. Many of you have commented on my faith being an inspiration, but want I want you to know is this:

Apart from Him, I can do nothing.

Apart from Him, there would be no hope. Apart from Him, there would be no place to lay my burdens. Apart from Him, this would all feel more out of control than in already does... and there would be no moments of peace. He is the source... of hope, of strength to be able to walk (even if it is with a limp), and of love.

So I would encourage you... get to know the Source of life and of love itself.