Are You All Ready?

*** Update again--- I appreciate the good intentions of the comments left on this post. To be honest, though, I have found some of them to be a bit stress-producing. In an effort to protect my own heart and really seek the Lord's voice in how He would have us balance Isaac's place in our family, I have decided to close the comments on this post. If there is something that you would like to share that you believe would be an encouragement to me, you are certainly welcome to e-mail me. Thanks for understanding... ***

*** Update--- Just a quick update to say that as I have read through some of your comments, I have updated this post a little to better communicate my thoughts. :)***

With a 32 1/2 week pregnant tummy, I have been getting this question a lot lately. "So is everything ready?" people have been asking. "Are you all ready for Eliana to get here?"

I am already a mother, and thankfully, no one has phrased the question to me as, "Are you ready to be a mom?" I am a mom... Isaac is just not with me, though I deeply wish that he was.

With regard to being ready for Eliana to get here, the truth is, I don't know.

In some ways, yes... I am ready. I am excited to meet her! I am ready to hold her, I am ready to see whose nose she has and if her hair is strawberry-blond like Isaac's. I am ready to cuddle her and snuggle her and put her in all of the cute outfits we've been given for her to wear. I wonder what she will look like, how her personality will be, and whether she'll have as many hiccups out of the womb as she does in it!

In other ways, I have no idea whether or not I am ready. I have so many lingering questions and fears that I know all parents experience. Some of them are silly, like where do I put the infant bath tub when I bathe her? How will I know if she's too hot or too cold? What should I keep in my diaper bag? How many onesies do I really need? What if breastfeeding doesn't go as easily as I hope, or what if it doesn't really work out at all? What if I run out of diapers without realizing it?? :) Not that any of these are the things that really matter. And to be honest, I don't have a deep, profound worry about any of these things. It will take some figuring out, trial and error, and I am thankful to have such a strong support network of people who can help.

The place where I feel a bit stuck, and maybe not quite ready, didn't occur to me until a conversation with a good friend last night. Both she, and Spencer, have noticed how on edge I have seemed, and as we got to talking, she assured me that there will be times when I just won't have it all figured out. Times that Eliana will be crying, I will have tried everything, and still can't figure out what's wrong. She reminded me that really, we can do as much as we can as parents, but it really is God who ultimately protects us and our children. And I think this is where my hangup is.

Truthfully, I have been spending a lot of time preparing things around our house, making sure all of the paperwork for me to be out of work for the rest of the school year is filled out correctly... trying to make sure everything is just so. I guess trying to be in control. But in doing this, I am realizing that it is my way of making sure that Eliana will be okay, rather than believing God and trusting that He will look after her.

Because of losing Isaac, this is a really hard thing for me. Of course I know that from an eternal perspective, God will protect Eliana... but there's a part of me that struggles to trust Him for her well being in the day-to-day. I know deep in my heart that our circumstances don't change who He is... God is trustworthy, simply because He is. And I need to continue to step out in faith and trust Him.

So I would just really ask for your prayers in these last 4 1/2 weeks before we welcome our little daughter... that God would calm my fear and anxiety and provide His perfect peace, that He would daily remind me that I need to trust Him with Eliana's well-being, and that He would draw me into such close communion with Him.