Grief at 15 months

It has been a while since my last post and to be honest, these last few days I have just been trying to hold myself together.

God has been really gracious throughout my pregnancy in really guarding my heart against anxiety. Sure, little bouts of worry would creep in here and there, especially before some of my appointments... but other than my 12 week ultrasound, I can truly say that I haven't been very anxious.

Somehow this week, that all is rapidly changing, and I am finding that my grief over losing Isaac is very intricately woven into my journey carrying Eliana. One always seems to be having an impact on the other.

Being 29 weeks and obviously pregnant, I have been getting a lot more comments from strangers about being pregnant, and undoubtedly I am asked if this is my first... to which I reply no, I have a son. I usually leave it at that unless the person, like the kind, unsuspecting checkout woman at Giant, asks more.

"Oh! I bet he just loved Christmas this year! How old is he?"

I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven.

"Well, I wish he would have been here to celebrate with us," I say... "But, my son unfortunately passed away shortly after he was born."

Then there was the sweet woman at a holiday party who said, "Well, I see you're expecting! This must be your first since I don't see any other little ones in tow."

I wish it were that easy, and that that was a safe assumption.

"Well," I explain,"This is actually our second... we lost our son, Isaac, not long after he was born."
By God's grace, He has brought me to a place where I can just smile... thankful for the opportunity to even talk about Isaac at all.

There's this part of me, though, that when I go back and re-read posts from the day Isaac was born, I am just still completely shaken. I don't think I will ever be okay reading the words my dear friend Kirsten wrote after our doctor came out to speak with the family and friends gathered in the waiting room...

Family and Friends,

I sit with a lack of words.

Isaac Timothy Delisle was born and was with his precious mom and dad for 16 minutes and then Jesus welcomed him home.

So with Eliana's birthday approaching in no more than ten weeks, it's hard to even wrap my head around the fact that this time, the blog post could be different... that on her birthday, everything really could all go well and she could be okay. There's no reason to think that she wouldn't be, other than the fact that once disaster strikes, you become fully aware that you are not immune. Sometimes lately I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Recently in church we sang a song I have talked about on here before... "Blessed be the Name of the Lord." And as we sang, I just found myself stopping at the part that says, "You give and take away, You give and take away..." and I was just praying...

Lord, please give us our daughter for a while this time.

It is so true. The Lord gives, and He takes away... and really, whichever it is, is ultimately up to Him.

So this bout of anxiousness has caught me off guard. I would have thought that the pattern of not really feeling anxious, particularly in light of all the positive reports we have gotten from our ultrasounds, would have allowed me to walk confidently at this point. But the anxiety related to anticipating Eliana's arrival has started to increase, and I would really just covet your prayers in that.

Philippians 4:6-7 admonishes us,

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am so thankful for the promises in scripture...