Sunday, June 22, 2008

Little Gifts

This has been a long week... a week filled with a roller coaster of emotions, less sleep than normal, and a lot of energy needed to just feel "normal." I've had moments where I have just been so angry I can't stand it, and other moments where God's peace was just so incredibly real.

A few things have happened this week that have encouraged my heart, and I am so greateful that God has brought these people, whom I have never met in real life, across my path.

On Friday, I received an e-mail from someone who has been reading this blog. She very tragically lost her son when he was five years old. I couldn't even imagine. With her permission, I have included part of her e-mail to me. I love her candor and I love what God is doing in her heart...

So after hearing your plans and that you guys were very faithful in your beliefs, being agnostic at best, I was angry at you for being so stupid and blind to your reality. And for weeks now my son has come to me in dreams, come up in conversations, and is everywhere. Now granted I feel him a lot, but it’s like he was trying to tell me something. So I sat and thought about him, thought about you and how crazy you were to subject yourself to my reality, and it came to me all at once. I cherish every single moment I shared with my son. EVERY single moment, no matter how small, from wiping snot off his nose to him squeezing me and telling me I’m the best mom in the world. And I began to cry…for me and my son, then I fell apart for days and I still do for you and Isaac. There is no way I’d change anything, even if I knew the outcome in advance, I’d do it all the same, just for those precious moments with him, and now I see you are no different. You have no idea how you’ve impacted me. Your story, and your son, what a precious gift he is to you, and to me and I’m sure there are many, many people out there who’ve already been touched by him. I know I’ve not thought much about God since my son died. It’s hard to feel compassion and love for someone who took your child from you. However my rational thought believes he was here to teach me lessons and left when they were over, or perhaps he was here to touch my heart and teach me lessons upon his death, which ever way it was supposed to go it’s worked. I’m a completely different person since he’s gone. All for the better I know. I decided his death wouldn’t be in vain and made some huge changes. Everything about him was such a blessing to me, and continues to be so. I had no idea how strong I was until that day. I had no idea how strong he was either. What an angel. You are so strong and have such faith in God and your little boy. I love you for it. I love your Isaac for God’s presence in my life again.

After reading this I just wept. I wept for this woman's heartache and her brokeness. I wept for my heartache and my brokeness. And I wept tears of pride as a mother who's son is already impacting lives for eternity. What a gift.

I received another e-mail from another woman whom I have never met who has also been reading this blog. She said,

So, I say all that to say this. I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU, each day, as you take this journey. Whatever you need that is in my power to give, it is yours. I lift you up numerous times a day, and will continue to do so in the coming months.

I will be faithful to post to your blogs (by the way, you will break my heart daily with your letters to Isaac - they are beautiful) and to email you so that you never feel completely alone.

I will hold you and Spencer and Isaac close to my heart. I will tell my little one about how brave you and your little boy are. Isaac's legacy begins now.

Your testimony is shining brightly, Stacy. I am blessed to be standing in the shadows around you, holding you up

This woman's faithfulness to God, to prayer, and to encouraging me is such a gift.

Today is Spencer's birthday, and we're going out later with some friends to celebrate his last years in his twenties with a good old Maryland-style crab feast. It feels almost wrong to be celebrating in some ways, but I don't think that's God's heart about it. I know that there can be joy in the midst of sorrow, and today (well, every day) I am so thankful for my husband... for his courage, his sense of humor, his determination, his authenticity, and the way that he loves God, loves me, and loves our little Isaac so completely. If you don't know him, you should :) He is a gift to anyone who knows him.

Thank you for your ongoing prayers for Spencer and I, and for Isaac. They mean more to us than you could know.


julie said...

Stacy, everytime I read your blog, I sit here and bawl. You really are such an amazing inspiration. I love following your story. I have such high hopes for you, Spencer and Issac. You are always in my prayers. It is a blessing for me to be able to read your journey.


The Writer Chic said...

Stacy, I hop you don't mind...I posted a link to your blog on mine. I don't have a huge following outide of my family; the readers tapered off after all the "drama" of Seth's arrival. But regardless, I want as many people to hear about Isaac as possible.

Our sermon this morning was about "the cloud the size of a man's hand" in I Kings. A little out of context, but all the songs were about rain and God withholding it, and then letting it downpour, and I kept thinking about you and Angie...anyways, just wanted you to know you are never far from my mind and heart.

Happy Birthday, Spencer. Enjoy those crabs, guys! =)

Stephanie said...

Still praying. I wish I could give you a hug.
“The Lord bless you
and keep you;the Lord make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:24-26

Anonymous said...

Stacy, I am so firmly convinced God knew exactly where to place a gift as precious as Isaac--with you and Spencer. You have touched so many, so deeply. Your Isaac, your son, is impacting the hearts and minds of people everywhere. It is an amazing thing to watch.

I pray for you all daily. And a Happy Birthday to Spencer--nothing like a crabfest... (did you go to the Cracked Claw, wink wink...)

Thinking and praying that you may stay strong yet be able to let your God given emotions out. It is ok to be a mix of emotions. You are much loved, Jill

Stephanie said...

Praying for you right now!! May God hold you, Isaac and Spencer so close.
I am praying that you will be blanketed by peace.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

I'm jsut reading your blog for the first time and unlike any other blog, even with my short attention span, I just read every single post you have written and I am in awe. After every post I prayed. I'm so touched by your story, your passion, and your praise through all of this. I can not begin to relate but I can offer you my prayers and my compassion. I am not the most eloquent so I can't even begin to tell you how much you have touched me, but I can say that you are truly an inspiration. I love the lyrics you have typed and I'm sure that every time I hear those songs I will be thinking of you and praying for you, Spencer, and Issac. You are touching more people than you can ever imagine.

Thank you,

ps - I am putting your family on my Parish's prayer chain if you don't mind (which I am sure you do not). If you ever want a friend to pray with - I'm in the area. :)

Anonymous said...

Stacy, I just ran across your blog today and am so moved by your courage. I wasn't sure if you had heard of this website before and I wanted to share it with you -

I think this is a great organization and I pray you may not need their services, but thought it would be a great way for you to preserve your memories of Isaac.

I have no idea what you are going through, nor do I have great words of wisdom (if anything, I get that from your blog) but I just wanted to say your family is in my thoughts.

Thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us.