Thursday, June 2, 2011

High Five

This sweet girl...

who turns 15 months old this week,

has developed the cute habit lately of wanting to give everyone and everything she sees a "hi-fi" (high five). Whether it's me or Spencer, the checkout lady at the grocery store, other little kids in our street, the characters in her books (which may or may not be human)... everyone and everything deserves a "hi-fi" in her book. It is precious.

Part of our bedtime routine with Eliana, after reading some books, brushing teeth, and saying our prayers, includes going into her room, looking at Isaac's picture, and blowing him kisses. It's so sweet how at this point, all Ellie needs to hear is, "Okay, let's blow Isaac kisses good night," and she immediately turns in the direction of his picture and does so with an enthusiastic "mmmmmwah!"

On Wednesday, though, when she was done blowing kisses, she looked at his picture and said, "Hi-fi? Hi-fi?" My heart melted... and my eyes swelled with tears.

I quietly explained to Eliana how sweet it is that she wants to give her brother a high five, but that right now, he can't give her a high five back. I told her, like I often do, how Isaac is in heaven with God, and that one day, she would be able to give him all of the high fives she wanted. And again, I felt that very real tension between the hope of eternity, and the reality of Isaac's absence on this side of heaven.

It's these little things, the unreturned high fives, that are subtle reminders of Isaac's absence, and how we still long it wasn't so. It's these bittersweet moments when I look at Ellie and am so thankful for the precious gift that she is, and yet am hit square in the face (and the heart) with the missing... even over 2 1/2 years later.

Some have asked me, "At what point do you just move on or get over it and be happy?" And I think this story is such a great response to this question, because it so delicately illustrates the constant balance between the joy that God has graciously restored to our lives and our family, and the missing that, in ever changing capacities, is there.

I don't really know if there are high fives in heaven... but part of me would like to think that maybe there are :)


Education: Exploring Online Learning said...

This made me smile... and tear up.

Taylor said...

:) So sweet. I'm certain there are high fives in heaven!

I'm excited to see this high-fiving on Monday!

Kelly said...

Stacy, what a beautiful post this is. I love your blog and all the stories you share about your precious children. I can't say I understand what this journey has been like for you and Spencer because I've never experienced it myself, but I'm so grateful to you for sharing it with us through posts like this. I have learned so much from you, Isaac, and Ellie.

Kelly (LoveTek)

Angela said...

Stacy, i am so sure there are high fives in Heaven, you are stronger than you know xxxxxx

Julie said...

Have you read the book Heaven is for Real? It is the story of a little boy's account of the time he spent in Heaven during a near death experience he had. He tells of loved ones he saw including an unborn sister he never knew he had. It is such a beautiful and hopeful book and I think it would be especially comforting to someone like yourself who has lost a child. I hope its a blessing to you!

Susi said...

Too adorable and heart wrenching at the same time.

It's those little things that seem to come out of the blue that pull away your feet from under you and yet bring a smile to your face.

Thinking of you.

Dani said...

Your strength is amazing and this story is so special. How wonderful that you keep Isaac's memory alive in her heart!

Jacks grandmom said...

I don't think you ever "get over it"- you don't ever stop loving your child- either the one that is with you or that sweet beloved boy, Isaac who is with God- but i think you can and are happy again- about other things such as sweet Ellie, etc. It must be very hard especially when something like little Ellie's hi-fi happens! But how sweet!

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Tammy On the Go said...

she's so beautiful!

Anonymous said...

So precious! She gets prettier and prettier. Saying prayers for you and your missing while I miss my babies too.

Andrea H. said...

Awh... there are definitely high fives in heaven. :-) Your writing is beautiful and so is your daughter. Thinking of you, and praying for your family.