A Full Moon

I am not superstitious. However, I did notice that Friday night there was a full moon, and the way my last two days have been, I start to wonder...

Friday's appointment was good in the sense that my doctor spent a lot of time with us answering questions and and processing things with us. What was frustrating was that I was told that I would most likely need to have a classic c-section. Once you've had a classic c-section, you are no longer a candidate for a regular birth. Additionally, there tends to be the risk of there being more scar tissue because the incision is larger. This is not what I had wanted to hear.

We left a few hours later for our trip to upstate New York to celebrate my father-in-law's 60th birthday. About 4 1/2 hours into the trip, the electrical parts of the car starting acting funny... lights on the dash started blinking, and as they did, the headlines would dim in and out. We pulled of the exit and into a gas station, and turned the car off. Upon trying to restart it, it was dead. So, we're in some rural part of New York, still 2 hours from our destination, getting a tow to a random mechanic at 10:00 at night. Thankfully, Spencer's sisters were able to come pick us up. We were also told that the problem was the battery, and the mechanic was able to fix the car that evening. For a situation that could have been a lot worse, it went as smoothly as it could. I was surprised at how calm both Spencer and I were able to remain!

Today I found out that a close friend of mine is pregnant. So are two other ladies in my department at my new school. It is so hard for me to hear news like this because I don't know how to respond. Of course I am happy, but it hurts my heart that our sweet Isaac isn't going to make it... that a healthy baby isn't our story. It's so hard to not feel so incredibly jealous and so incredibly frustrated... and to be honest, our situation sometimes makes me downright angry. That jealousy is something I am still having a hard time learning how to manage.

Like I said... there was a full moon on Friday. And no, I am still not superstitious... :)

I just feel like it has been one thing after another these last few days, and I am growing a bit weary in being strong. I seriously feel like I am just entrenched in this Job season... and I feel like I have just had enough. I could really use your prayers in figuring out how to manage my jealousy and how to guard my heart against that. Life just feels so heavy right now, and I miss the days where I felt more care-free and joy came so simply. I know that season will return, but walking through the valley can be so hard. Thanks for praying and for your continued encouragement.

This Week

Admittedly, this has been a really hard week for me. It definitely started on Sunday morning with my little breakdown at church, and I've really felt about the same since. Someone commented to me recently that this blog seems upbeat and extremely positive, almost as if I don't really have hard days.

The truth is, I do, and I want you to know that. I am heartbroken over this, and I would give anything for this to be different... for Isaac to be a healthy baby, developing and growing just as he should. Here's a little secret... I cry. Often. Daily, in fact. Not for hours, but just a few minutes here or there. Usually it is because of a song I am hearing (why does music always seem to do that to me?), other times it's because of things I start to think about. I was listening to the song Angie sent me that she at Todd wrote for their daughter, Audrey. I would be lieing if I said that there was this one line that really touched me, because truthfully, all of them do. But this one part of the song came to mind recently...

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on.
But there's a greater story written long before me
Because He loves you like this.

That's me some days... barely hanging on. The only reason I am is because I know that God never lets me go, and I can hold to the hope and the truth that He has written Isaac's life into a story greater than the one that I can see. That doesn't make this easy; but it makes it bareable. And in a seemingly hopeless situation, it brings us hope.

On Friday we have a "routine" prenatal appointment with my OB. I have a lot of questions for her regarding my c-section and follow-up testing and evaluation. I also hope that we will be able to discuss the radiologist's findings from our visit to Children's on June 17. I have a few more questions about that which I am hoping to have answered. These appointments tend to be very uneventful, so I am not too sure about what to ask you to pray for. Please pray that my mind would be put at ease by her responses, because I am petrified of a c-section even though I haven't had the energy to even begin to worry about that. Would you please also continue to pray for God to intervene and heal Isaac? And lastly, would you please pray for ongoing comfort and peace for Spencer and I as we continue to navigate these deep and unknown waters?

Thank you for continuing to walk this road and bear this burden with us.

A New Normal

Over the last few days I have had the opportunity to meet up with several friends, some of whom I see pretty regularly, and others I haven't seen in a while. I love being able to touch base and talk about life.

Obviously, during these conversations, Isaac came up a lot. I love the questions that I am asked by people because it not only shows that you care, but also helps me to reflect. One conclusion I have come to this past week is that Spencer and I are learning to adjust to what I call our "new normal."

This "new normal" is all about figuring out how to do life well in the meantime... figuring out how to have joy in our days, while still staying connected to the reality of what we're facing. It's a delicate balance, and one that is constantly shifting. There are mornings where I can wake up and feel great, go for a walk with Spencer, make a nice breakfast before church, and then fall apart at the words of a seemingly upbeat worship song in church.

That's what happened yesterday. I was really looking forward to going to church, but for some reason, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord," one of my favorite songs we sing, just brought me to hysterical tears. I managed to hold it together through "Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name. I fell apart at "You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.

I realized that I have been having a hard time that the Lord would give us a son, only to take him away soon thereafter. I often don't understand why God would do that, when the desire to have children is an honorable and holy one.

And so this is our "new normal." Allowing those moments to happen, but knowing that God is near to us in the midst of them. Allowing ourselves to find joy in the midst of heartache, and being glad to rest there even for just a little bit. Figuring out how to do life well in the meantime.

Thank you for continuing to pray with us and for us, and for your continued encouragement.

Reflections

No real updates to share. My next doctor's appointment isn't until Friday, July 18. So for today, just a few reflections.

I have been overwhelmed by the e-mails and comments I have received from you, and
I wanted to share a couple of thoughts in response to the kind and encouraging words you all have left for me. First, in the ten years that I was as a Young Life leader, we frequently reflected on 1 Thessalonians 2:8 in leadership meetings, or at camp. This verse reads, We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.


In some ways it has been very theraputic for me to share this aspect of my life with you. Moreso, however, it is my hope that when you stop and linger here, you are able to see a greater glimpse of our Father... not because I have written eloquently (or not!), but because His presence is real. And so I hope that in some small way, this blog is a testament to 1 Thessalonians 2:8... that what you find here is not only my life, but the gospel of God.

Another thought I wanted to share stemmed from an e-mail I received from a dear friend who shared with me some encouragement from 1 Corinthians 1:26-31... Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

I know that in some ways it may seem "foolish" to continue a pregnancy with a poor prognosis and the likelihood of a very grim outcome. Logic would say, why bother? This, though, isn't God's wisdom. God is bigger than all of this. I truly believe that at any time He could intervene and restore Isaac's health, just like He did for Abraham when he provided the ram in the thicket, when He healed the leper, when He made the lame man walk, and when He healed the bleeding woman. That's His choice and His perogative... not mine. All of Isaac's days have already been ordained, and I know that my job is simply to love him fully while he is with us.

You see, as I wrote in my letter to sweet Isaac this morning, he is already having an impact. His life matters... it has significance, both in the present, and eternally. To intervene with that would be foolish. Rather, I have the joy of getting to feel his little kicks and wiggles, and getting to see my son's life impact the lives of others. As a mother, there is no greater gift. I am so proud of him.

Lastly, many of you have commented on how you've been inspired by my faith. This is the part where verse 31 comes in... Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord. My faith can only be as genuine as to the degree that God is real, and that He is who He says He is. So I would encourage you, that if you've somehow been inspired by what you've read here, then be compelled to get to know Him more.

I also wanted to say that in no way is every day an easy day. In fact, most days are hard. It's hard to feel "normal." It's hard to see other young moms with their little ones at the pool, receive comments from strangers asking if this is my first baby, and every time I feel Isaac move and kick to know that unless God changes things, I will be asked to give him back. It's hard to love your baby so much, and know that you're going to have to give him away. So please don't think that there isn't grief and there isn't pain; there is. It's deep, and it's real. I would never want my faith to come across as a facade that masks any of that. Rather, God meets me in the midst of it. He provides just enough grace for each day... each moment, and shows me His peace. He has graciously allowed Isaac's story to impact the lives of others, and for that He is good.

I can't thank you enough for continuing to walk this road with us, for praying for us, and for your words of encouragement. They continue to be a source of strength.

Meeting with Neonatologist

I feel almost like I need to start a "layman's terms" medical dictionary to define all of these doctors and various medical terms. Hopefully you've been able to keep up.

Yesterday we met with the director of neonatology at Shady Grove Hospital. She also happens to be a geneticist, so her insights were particularly helpful. The consultation went well, and she was able to ease my mind with things like the fact that Shady Grove has all private rooms, they do mark the rooms of patients who have suffered an infant loss, they can put a little outfit on Isaac, etc. What was a bit frustrating was that she hadn't been faxed my file from the perinatologist, which happened to include all of the reports from Children's. So, it was a little more difficult to discuss the medical side of things, but we managed. She has requested that Spencer and I make an appoinment in September to meet with her, the head NICU nurse, a social worker from the hospital, and a few other key folks to review our birth plan and to talk things through. I will have had at least one more ultrasound before then, so there will be even more updated information to discuss.

I have very mixed feelings about going shopping for Isaac's outfit. Usually that would be a "going home" outfit... and in our reality, it still is... just a different home than we have been hoping for. I am also on a mission to find the softest, snuggliest blue blanket out there... maybe one made of chenille. I know it will be bittersweet looking for these things, but I hope to enjoy it as much as possible, like any expectant mother would.

I wish there were more to update you on, but at this point there isn't really any new news. We deeply appreciate your continued prayers, encouragement, and for loving us like Jesus.

Love Them Like Jesus

Many of you have asked me lately what you can do for Spencer and I, if there's anything we need, and things along those lines. I want you to know that we genuinely apprecaite your care and concern.

Yesterday while taking a break between all of the 4th of July festivities, Spence and I plopped outselves in front of the t.v. I, naturally, fell asleep, and woke about a little while later to Spencer watching a Casting Crowns concert on some gospel music channel (which I didn't even know existed!).

The song that was on was "Love Them Like Jesus." The second verse in particular just overwhelmed me (for obvious reasons when you read it), but overall I thought the song was a great answer to the question of, "What can we do for you?"

To be honest, I don't know. Some days I just need to be distracted and other days I need a listening ear and the space to vent and to just "be." But I thought that the message of this song was a good answer to that question that so many you have graciously and generously asked...

Love Them Like Jesus

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

On Monday we meet with the head neonatologist at Shady Grove Hospital. I can already tell you that I have a lot of anxiety about this appointment because no expectant mother (or father)should have to make decisions about life support, resuscitation, and other end-of-life issues for their newborn (or at this point, unborn) child. I feel so inadequate (among other things) to be doing this.

Would you please continue to pray for wisdom for Spencer and I? Would you please pray that God would give us peace with our decisions and would guard our hearts from any sort of guilt regarding the decisions we make? And of course, would you please continue to pray for a miracle for our sweet baby Isaac? I truly believe, that even in the eleventh hour, God could change all of this if it is His plan. If it's not, then I know He will continue to be close to us and give us His peace that surpasses all understanding.

Thank you for walking this road with us. We appreciate you more than you could know.

Today's Ultrasound

My heart just melted today when sweet Isaac gave us a thumbs up during today's ultrasound. His poor little body has so many things that are not right, and sometimes I really worry about whether or not he's in pain and can't stand it that I can't do anything for him. His little thumbs up was almost as if to say, "I'm okay in here, Mommy!" It was just the sweetest thing, and I am so thankful that the nice ultrasound tech was able to capture this shot for us.

Today's visit didn't hold any suprises. We knew what we would be hearing, really, although in the back of our minds know that at any second God could change all of this. We had a nice talk with Dr. Gallagher who very gently delivered to us the same news that we heard at Children's two weeks ago, and patiently answered my many questions. In a way, it was good to go today because during our visits with the doctors at Children's I felt like my head was just spinning. Today I had a bit more clarity.

Here are a few more shots. The first is one of Isaac waving, and the other a frontal view of his face.



Thank you to the many of you who have continued to pray for me, Spencer, and sweet Isaac and who have left words of encouragement for us either here or through e-mail. They have been a source of strength for us through this journey, and I want you to know how much we appreciate it.

A Walk to Remember

Yes, I happen to like this book by Nicholas Sparks... well, most books by Nicholas Spraks, really. But this was a different sort of walk.

On Saturday, Spence and I went up to Sugarloaf Mountain for a hike. I had looked at the trail maps online and found that the white trail at the top of the mountain was a nice 2 1/2 mile loop... sounded about right. Well, something wasn't measured quite right, because I can tell you that it was a LOT longer than 2 1/2 miles! We eventually figured out a little shortcut (after getting a little lost) back to the car. So, our walk was a bit memorable because we got a little lost, but also because I was reminded of a truth I greatly needed to hear.

It was nice to get out on a beautiful day and do something different. There's something refreshing to me about being face to face with God's creation... wheteher it's being in the woods, on the top of a mountain and being able to see for miles, or at the beach with the crashing waves. While we were there, I was reminded of Matthew 6, where Jesus tells us not to worry, and makes a point of talking about the birds, the lilies, and the grass of the fields, and how if they are taken care of, then how much more will we be? It was a wonderful truth to remember and to be reminded of. Here's a picture from our walk...


Lately one of the things I have wondered through this is how am I going to be okay? I know that I will be; God promises to never leave us or foresake us...but how? How am I going to be okay when I go back to teaching in August? How am I going to be okay when we go to meet with the people at the cemetery and the funeral home? How am I going to be okay the night before my scheduled c-section? And how am I going to be okay in that moment where Isaac takes his last little breath, should God decide to call him home?

I don't really know. I do know that God gives us enough grace for each moment, and that He just wants us to trust that He is who He says He is. He has surrounded us with wonderful people who are being His hands and His feet to us every day.

On Wednesday we have another ultrasound with the perinatologist at the maternal-fetal medicine group. In some ways I am excited becuase we'll get to "see" our sweet baby boy. I am hoping I'll get the chance to both see and feel him move at the same time. Would you please pray for us for that ultrasound? Would you please pray for a miracle, that God would heal Isaac's little spine, unteather his spinal cord, grow his lungs, and heal the omphalocele? Would you please also pray for wisdom for the doctor as he reads and interprets what he's seeing, and that he could clearly convey that information to us and the implications for Isaac? Would you please pray for wisdom for Spencer and I as we think through all that we hear, as we'll be meeting with the neonatologist the following week at the hospital where I'll be delivering to discuss our wishes for Isaac's birth? And would you please pray for continued comfort and peace for us, grace for each step of the journey, and the courage to love little Isaac as perfectly as possibly while he's with us?

Rams, Stretcher Bearers, and Arms

You may be wondering what rams, stretcher bearers, and arms have to do with each other. Truthfully, the answer is nothing, except that all three have been on my mind lately. It has been a few days since I have written, mostly because I have been doing a lot of thinking and just taking in a lot of what has been before me.

I finished reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent, the book I mentioned in a previous post. I really just couldn't stop reading it. She addressed so many of the feelings and questions that my meandering heart have felt and wondered. One of them was, What happens when God doesn't provide a ram in the thicket?

In Genesis 22, as Abraham is about to slay Isaac, an angel of the Lord calls out to him. Verses 12-14 read, "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

But what happens when God doesn't provide the way out? What if there's no ram in the thicket? I was comforted to know that I am not the only who has ever asked this question.

Another part of this book that touched my heart was in a chapter about community. Kent introduced the term "Stretcher Bearers," named after the passage in the gospels where Jesus heals a paralytic brought to him on a mat. Here is the story as told in Mark 2:

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, "Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?"

Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? 1But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins . . . ." He said to the paralytic, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." 1He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!"

This man couldn't get to Jesus on his own; he had to be carried there. What's interesting about a stretcher is that one person can't carry it alone; the job is shared by several people. The same is true about community. One person can't provide everything to someone, but each person can do something.

Spencer and I have been so fortunate to be surrounded, supported, and sometimes even carried by a wonderful group of stretcher bearers. Some of you are people whom I have never met in real life who have committed to praying for us. Others of you are people with whom we are very close, who have also prayed with us, asked the hard questions, shown up just to be with us, and who at times, have carried us to the feet of Jesus. We are so grateful for you and for the blessing you are, have been, and will continue to be in our lives.

Today I was at the pool with our neighbors. They have two kids, one of whom, turns 6 in a few weeks. Her name is Hannah, and she is learning to swim. I was sitting on the edge of the pool with her while her mom was in the water asking Hannah to jump in and swim to her. Her mom was standing a bit further back than she would have liked, and Hannah was afraid to jump. She looked up at her mom and motioned with her arms as she said, "Arms out, Mom." Then, she jumped in and swam to her.

I was struck by how much I feel like Hannah. God has allowed the circumstances Spencer and I are currently facing, and they're not how we want them look. We would write the story differently if we could. Sometimes I feel like I am staring God in the face, not knowing what to make of the situation. What I do know is that His arms are already out, and what He asks is that we trust Him and jump in.

He wants us to trust Him, even if he doesn't provide the ram in the thicket. He wants us to trust Him, even in what feels like one of the most unthinkable circumstances. He never changes, He is who He says He is, and He is worthy of our trust.

I don't know what God's plans are for our sweet Isaac. I know what I would like them to be. I was reminded today by one of our dear "strecher bearers" that God has given me the gift of already experiencing one of the truest joys of being a mother, which is seeing your child's life impact others for God. I couldn't be more proud.

Little Gifts

This has been a long week... a week filled with a roller coaster of emotions, less sleep than normal, and a lot of energy needed to just feel "normal." I've had moments where I have just been so angry I can't stand it, and other moments where God's peace was just so incredibly real.

A few things have happened this week that have encouraged my heart, and I am so greateful that God has brought these people, whom I have never met in real life, across my path.

On Friday, I received an e-mail from someone who has been reading this blog. She very tragically lost her son when he was five years old. I couldn't even imagine. With her permission, I have included part of her e-mail to me. I love her candor and I love what God is doing in her heart...

So after hearing your plans and that you guys were very faithful in your beliefs, being agnostic at best, I was angry at you for being so stupid and blind to your reality. And for weeks now my son has come to me in dreams, come up in conversations, and is everywhere. Now granted I feel him a lot, but it’s like he was trying to tell me something. So I sat and thought about him, thought about you and how crazy you were to subject yourself to my reality, and it came to me all at once. I cherish every single moment I shared with my son. EVERY single moment, no matter how small, from wiping snot off his nose to him squeezing me and telling me I’m the best mom in the world. And I began to cry…for me and my son, then I fell apart for days and I still do for you and Isaac. There is no way I’d change anything, even if I knew the outcome in advance, I’d do it all the same, just for those precious moments with him, and now I see you are no different. You have no idea how you’ve impacted me. Your story, and your son, what a precious gift he is to you, and to me and I’m sure there are many, many people out there who’ve already been touched by him. I know I’ve not thought much about God since my son died. It’s hard to feel compassion and love for someone who took your child from you. However my rational thought believes he was here to teach me lessons and left when they were over, or perhaps he was here to touch my heart and teach me lessons upon his death, which ever way it was supposed to go it’s worked. I’m a completely different person since he’s gone. All for the better I know. I decided his death wouldn’t be in vain and made some huge changes. Everything about him was such a blessing to me, and continues to be so. I had no idea how strong I was until that day. I had no idea how strong he was either. What an angel. You are so strong and have such faith in God and your little boy. I love you for it. I love your Isaac for God’s presence in my life again.

After reading this I just wept. I wept for this woman's heartache and her brokeness. I wept for my heartache and my brokeness. And I wept tears of pride as a mother who's son is already impacting lives for eternity. What a gift.

I received another e-mail from another woman whom I have never met who has also been reading this blog. She said,

So, I say all that to say this. I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU, each day, as you take this journey. Whatever you need that is in my power to give, it is yours. I lift you up numerous times a day, and will continue to do so in the coming months.

I will be faithful to post to your blogs (by the way, you will break my heart daily with your letters to Isaac - they are beautiful) and to email you so that you never feel completely alone.

I will hold you and Spencer and Isaac close to my heart. I will tell my little one about how brave you and your little boy are. Isaac's legacy begins now.

Your testimony is shining brightly, Stacy. I am blessed to be standing in the shadows around you, holding you up.

This woman's faithfulness to God, to prayer, and to encouraging me is such a gift.

Today is Spencer's birthday, and we're going out later with some friends to celebrate his last years in his twenties with a good old Maryland-style crab feast. It feels almost wrong to be celebrating in some ways, but I don't think that's God's heart about it. I know that there can be joy in the midst of sorrow, and today (well, every day) I am so thankful for my husband... for his courage, his sense of humor, his determination, his authenticity, and the way that he loves God, loves me, and loves our little Isaac so completely. If you don't know him, you should :) He is a gift to anyone who knows him.

Thank you for your ongoing prayers for Spencer and I, and for Isaac. They mean more to us than you could know.