Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009

This will be quick, but I just wanted to ask for your prayers today.

I'll admit... I am sort of anxious about it turning 2009. I'll try to explain.

You see, 2008 was the "year of Isaac" for us... we found out about him in February, found out that things weren't quite right in April, and found out just how devestating his prognosis was in June. We had countless doctor visits, ultrasounds, and various fetal tests... almost every week, or at least every other week, there was something.

So much time and energy was spent caring for our little boy... time spent at those visits, time spent fervently praying, and time spent making memories and enjoying whatever time we were given.

I've had some difficulty welcoming each new month, as it was a reminder of how the world is marching on when I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all. I would imagine that it turning to another year will be that much harder. I am not sure how I will respond tonight when everyone, in a celebratory fashion counts down and shouts "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" I am just not sure I feel all that happy about it, because in a lot of ways, it feels like I will simply be further away from my son.

So we could use your prayers... that God would continue to teach us how to adjust to this "new normal," that He would provide us grace for each step, that He would help ease the ache a little bit as we continue to miss our sweet Isaac so deeply, and that He would continue to restore our hope as we look ahead to the future.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Thanks for continuing to pray for us and walk with us.

58 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Oh Stacy, I can so identify with your feelings and let yourself feel just that. Issac is in every being of your body, soul and heart! I will continue to pray for you and Spencer!!!! This has been a very difficult year for many and I send you New Year Blessings, hoping that this new year will bring you PEACE, Comfort and God's many blessings!

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

I completely GET this, hon, and I'll be praying for you tonight and in the coming days.

banbear2 said...

It seems that 2008 has been a difficult year for all of us. As always you and Spencer are in my prayers. I also pray that Spencer and Raymond will ring in the new year together in heaven.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you, sweet Stacy...thank you for the privilege of allowing us to walk with you.

Wishing you both a Blessed New Year...full of His grace, hope, peace, and love as He continues to carry you...

kelly

Misty Rice-Baniewicz said...

Just know that you do not suffer alone, and although it may feel like many days or even most days..... YOU are NOT alone. Although my little year has been hard with my struggles in my marriage, I am given hope that it will survive and I want to celebrate this new year because it is a mark that new and better beginnings are to come for me. I get to "move on" from this last year. I am thankful, but then I often feel guilty and unable to "want" to celebrate my good fortune because I realize the other side to this "celebrating" stuff. So many are hurting right now (inlcuding close friends of mine) and several people I have come to know through blog world.

I cannot even begin to try and relate or understand this pain you continue to suffer. I see your pictures that constantly remind you of what has been gained and dramatically lost in your life. The broken heart behind the words I read. I feel your pain through your words and I just wish there was something more I could do than saying things in comment boxes and pray.....

Im truly sorry friend..... although this is so much easier said coming from my end..... I TRULY CAN"T WAIT TO SEE WHAT GOD HAS PLANNED FOR YOU FROM ALL OF THIS!!!

My husband and I talked this morning, very early in the morning while laying in bed from a restless nights sleep. We both want to start giving more of ourselves in servicing our Lord and others.

I think you said you went back to work? I can't remember..... but if not, I was thinking you can find some charity that you like that you can put your energy and mind into, in Isaac's name. So you can slowly start to build up those pieces again, but not feel as though you are living you life again and leaving Isaac behind. I know that is probably the hardest part for you, is the idea of you ever being able to enjoy, laugh or be happy without him here. I think Isaac wants you to though, I think he would want you to be happy.

Maybe we can think of something for the NEW YEAR in positive terms for Isaac, instead of a year taking you further away from him? I don't know..... just thinking out loud here as I would for my own sister or friend.

I will continue to pray that God ease your pain and give you some direction on where to take your life now when for all this time you have known and had it focused on Isaac.

God Bless you and your husband.... PRAYING!!!

C.C. and Double T said...

Praying...

Chatty said...

Hi Stacy- I absolutely get it. Although I hope that you find much happiness in the new year, for now I will wish you a Peaceful New Year.

-Ali

Amber said...

Stacy,
you and Spencer have been in my prayers so very often. At 12:01 tonight, please know I will be on my knees saying a special prayer for you and Spencer. God knows the plans he has for your 2009.

much love.

Mary said...

You are always in my prayers!
You know that Isaac is always in your heart and he will contonue to be there forever. I hope you find some peace in 2009. ((hugs))

Lisa said...

Stacy - I totally understand. I will keep you in my prayers!!

Taylor said...

Stacy, please know that I am praying for you. That the Lord would send peace in the sadness and hope in the good that WILL come again. The smiles will return and you will find laughter. Even while you walk with a limp. Sending hugs and prayers.

Kristina Petrella said...

we will be praying.

Devon said...

stacy - you just take it day by day. your little isaac left you not too long ago and those first few months are just...well, horrible.

know that i am always praying, always thinking of you.

i have no idea what 2009 holds for you or for me but at least we know WHO holds it...and maybe this year will be the year for a baby for you, to keep...i'm praying that for you.

treasure your friendship and so thankful for you and yet so sad you had to join this club at all..

hugs....

hopeful #1 said...

I do wish you a happy new year, with new appointments, new changes, new hopes and new dreams.

I pray for you that God will continue to heal you and Spencer and to give you strength to continue to be happy about the upcoming year.

Thinking fo you...

Nestie Becoming_Untied said...

Stacy, I prayed for you and your family this morning and I will continue to do so. When I prayed and thanked God that Isaac was at least safe in Heaven I pictured his sweet face with such a joyful and peaceful smile. I pray that through God you can connect with Isaac in joyful and peaceful ways in 2009, even if they are just glimpses of time through the grief.

TresNinos said...

You are always in my prayers, dear lady. I hope that 2009 brings you joy.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Stacy,
I understand how you must be feeling. When we "rang in" 2007 after having and losing Charlie in 2006, my husband and I both held each other and cried as the ball dropped.
Many many hugs to you.

Laura said...

Praying for you...proud of you for putting words to what your heart is feeling. Sending love!

Laura said...

Life will be good again, in time. Smiles will be genuine and heartfelt. There will be true joy. But all of this takes time and you have not had enough time yet, for your tender heart to heal. It will never heal completely, there will always be a scar, but you will learn to live with it. Allow yourself the time you need and be gentle and forgiving where you are concerned. Your feelings will run from one extreme to the other and that is normal. This whole first year will be so very difficult. Every first without Isaac is going to test and try you, but you will make it through BECAUSE of him. I wish for you strength in the coming year and healing for your broken heart and spirit. You are not alone and you are stronger than you know. May God be with you on your walk, may He carry you when you are too weary, and may you always feel the warmth of His loving arms as He embraces you in comfort. Blessings for the new year.

Hope said...

Stacy-
I don't remember how I found your blog, but I have been reading for awhile. This is my first time commenting. I just want to say how sorry I am that you are hurting! I lost my daughter, Faith, in September, and though it was under different circumstances, I completely know what you are feeling. I was thinkig the same thing this morning-about how, while I'm ready to be done with 2008 because it was a year filled with so much pain for us, that it was also the year we found out about Faith and loved her and let her go. The passing into a new year just puts me farther from her.
What I hope for both of us is that, while we may be farther in time from our children, that our hearts grow in love for them!
Wishing you peace in this New Year,
Hope

Emma's Mommy said...

Stacy, I will be praying for you and Spencer as this day ends and a new year begins. I understand what you mean by dreading each new month and I am certain that leaving this year and beginning a new one makes it even harder. Our sweet baby was due on January 22nd. I think about that every day. May the Lord grant you some peace tonight and I pray that 2009 brings you many new and wonderful blessings.

Ang said...

My heart aches for you I will keep you all in my prayers!!!

Rachel E. said...

Praying for you, Stacy. Also, don't forget that although it is another year away from the time you first met Isaac, it is another year closer to the time you will see him again in Heaven. You are just that much closer to meeting again.

Nichelle said...

Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Praying for you...

A little piece of 7th heaven said...

You and your husband will be in our prayers...and fear not, Isaac will not be forgotten b/c of his MOMMY, I AND OTHERS WILL ALWAYS THINK OF HIM 1ST every time we hear the sweet name ISAAC. He lives on...he lives on. I wish you much peace in 2009.
Annmarie

Amanda said...

Stacy,

Your words today echo everything that I have been saying and feeling. The new year does feel like I am just getting further and further away from Gavin. I am clinging to the belief though that our precious children will never be further from us because we will always carry them in our hearts. Yes, I would give anything if he was in my arms right now, but that was not God's plan. I will be praying for you and Spencer as you face this new year. I pray that the new year is filled with blessings for both of us.

Take care,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin

Liz and Will Timmerman said...

I understand about your aprehension for 2009. I have similar feelings. My husband and I will be spending a quiet evening at home so that we can think back on our year of Luke. No one says you have to be happy about the New Year. Either way it will come though, and my wish for you is for peace in your heart for 2009, and to always feel Isaac's presence close to you.

A blessed 2009 to you and Spencer.
Love,
The Timmermans

Verna said...

Will continue to uplift you in our prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that I have not been able to post as often but I wanted to let you know that you and Spencer are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

I know exactly how you feel letting go of 2008. You almost want to freeze time. Please know that we are here for you and I will continue to pray for you in 2009 and beyond (wait, I just sounded like Buzz Lightyear) but you get what I mean :)

Please take care.

clkocher said...

Hi Stacy- I understand why you feel the way you do. I just want to remind you how much Isaac's life mattered. I stumbeled on your blog the day Isaac was born. Your family's faith has greatly strengthened my own. I don't take little moments for granted anymore. Thank you for sharing Isaac's story with us. I think of your family and pray for you often and will continue to do so.

Many blessings!

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see pictures of Isaac's Playground in 2009. His memory and impact on the world will never be forgotten.

LoriJo said...

I have hurt with you through some of your trials, having found your blog in August. Your blog has been a huge help to me as I have been through the loss twice now. Each time, God was right there with by husband and I. I have appreciated your candidness. Everything in our lives do not turn out perfectly even when we have the perfect creator carrying us with Him. He does not abandon us. He also understands that we are human. Continue allowing yourselves to grieve. I will continue praying for you and Spencer.

Jen said...

Praying,praying,praying. Holding you,Spencer, and Isaac in my heart,thoughts, and my words to our Father. May He remind you today of how very close He is to you- and to Isaac.

AmandaHoyt said...

Praying for you and Spencer, Stacy.
Hugs,
Amanda

Vivian said...

You both are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray the new year will bring many blessings.

Julie said...

Sending many, many prayers!

Erika said...

Stacy, I identify so deeply with what you wrote. 2008 is the year I knew Vivian and Annemarie, and so saying goodbye to 2008 is hard, and very very bittersweet. I just wrote something similar on my blog last night (Tiny Footprints).

I admire your faith so much. Isaac will always be remembered, and in your heart, he is as close as ever. At least, that's how I feel about my girls.

Wishing you a peaceful beginning to 2009. I am praying for a year of joy after a year of such heartache.

Love,
Erika

Shannon said...

I'm right there with you - what you're feeling is normal (for such a not normal situation). It isn't fair. Life isn't supposed to work like this. We are supposed to go before our children - not after.

All I can say is that I pray for your family, that you can see the bigger picture and know that His plan is perfect (just like Isaac is perfect).

Susan said...

Thinking of you tonight~ I hope and pray that 2009 can bring you peace and happiness.

Love and prayers,
Susan in Indiana

Open your Eyes. said...

I am always walking with you xxx.

AngelsAmid said...

I still pray for you everyday (hugs)

Anonymous said...

Praying for you, and hoping the new normal gets less scary. Everything you blog is so real I can feel it through the screen.

I hope you are in Jamaica. Let the sun and the Son heal. Much love, Jill

Susan said...

Stacy~ I hope you felt all the prayers going to the Lord for you last night. I know that as the clock struck midnight, my thoughts went to you and Spencer and so many other families who are hurting like you guys. I just wanted to let you know that I did not forget you last night...

~Kelli said...

Just want to wish you a happy new year and let you know I am still thinking and praying for for you!

Lisa said...

Stacy... I have followed your blog faithfully. every.single.day. Yes, it's a new year. But they're just days and months checked off the calendar - not from your heart, mind and soul. And nobody who's followed your blog will ever be the same. Isaac touched every single soul of those you shared him with. How lucky for Isaac to have such incredibly amazing parents. You've traveled this journey with more grace and courage than words could begin to describe. Hugs to you both... and may God continue to carry you both and ease the unthinkable ache.

Anonymous said...

I'm wishing you a new year with many joys and blessings. I year of no losses only celebrations. This is the year we will all celebrate Isaac's life- for his life has touched so many of us. So I am wishing you a Happy New Year because I know that God is with you and He will take care of you.

Denny said...

Hey Stacy! We wrote very similar posts =) I'm so thankful to have you as a friend even if we are bonded over terrible circumstances. It's so nice to have someone that completely understands my thoughts and feelings. I spent quite awhile on my drive up to NC praying for you. 2009 will be a better year!

Ashly said...

hey girl, its Ashly again! I posted my comment above by accident on Denny's google account! Sorry about that!

Kirsten said...

Praying for you - thank you for sharing your Christmas with us. Isaac's stocking and the way that your family remembered him was amazing. It feels so good to hear people speak the names of our children. Blessings to you - prayers for comfort and peace.

JackiJaguar said...

I'll be praying for you.

Tinsley Family said...

I am praying for you.. I love your blog and I don't know you, but I feel like I do. May God's peace fall upon you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you, your husband and family. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. You and Issac have taught me so many lessons, but I'm so sorry for your pain in doing so. I wish I could take it away. Thinking of you and hoping 2009 brings many blessings...

Anonymous said...

No one who reads your letters will ever forget about Isaac and his parents. Your family has touched every one of us. You and Spencer are in my thoughts and prayers, always. May God give you strength and peace in the coming year.

Betty L. said...

Stacy,
You have been in my heart, thoughts and prayers-you are always there-but even more so this week as you've been away from the physical places that you feel closest to your sweet Isaac.

But Isaac is always with you,deepin
your hearts and very close at all
times.
I wish you didn't have to go through this grief.I pray that Jesus peace will pour over you like
rain today as you return home to your "new normal" that can never be close to what we'd all prayed
would be your normal.
May you feel Jesus'arms around you,
today, tomorrow for school and as
you approach Wednesday. Give yourself Grace-take all the time you need to grieve-and know how many of us are on our knees for
you.

May the Lord bless you-hold on to
your Joshua verses.

Betty L.

Betty L. said...

Stacy,
Sorry-I meant to say Jer.29:11
Also,Joshua3:4b" You have not passed this way before." But He knows the
day,He will never leave you; and He
will walk you through it-or carry
you.

Betty L.

Kristi said...

Still caring about you, hoping and praying that you still feel His strong arms around you carrying you until you kiss your sweet Isaac's face once again.

Julie Simmons said...

I usually don't post when I'm "lurking" on a blog, but yours has gripped me today. In fact, I'm up reading because I couldn't sleep until I read all the way to the current post in Isaac's story.

What a BEAUTIFUL baby boy you have! I mean, breathtaking beauty! I love how you often include pictures with your posts to keep him always before us. I could just sit and look at him all day!

I am also a teacher and I wanted to say how much I admire you for putting one foot in front of the other and walking back into that classroom with empty arms. I also admire your strong faith and the peace that most definitely passes understanding.

Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for making your blog public so someone like me could be touched by Isaac's life.

I have no doubt that I am up at 2:22am to pray for you and your husband. So I will fall asleep doing just that. I pray that 2009 will be filled with unexpected blessings around every corner. I pray that you'll hear and speak Isaac's name often, and that God will engrave deeply on your heart those moments you had with your son. I'm so sorry they were few.

Please know that Isaac's legacy reaches into 2009 and beyond. God Bless you and keep you in this year and always.

Julie Simmons said...
This comment has been removed by the author.