Tuesday, April 7, 2009

6 months

Today, my heart is just heavy. It is amazing to me the way that time can seem to both race forward and stand still; but that's the way the last 6 months have been. The bottom line is this: I can't believe it has been six months since I last held my son, and quite honestly, I just want him back. I miss him so much.

This past week we made an extra trip to the cemetery to see Isaac's headstone. It isn't in place yet, but we wanted to see it anyway. Although I am happy with how it turned out, I just remember standing there while rubbing my fingers over the letters of his name and thinking, "I can't believe that this is something we ever had to think about."

Spring time is in full-swing here in Maryland, and particularly in the DC area, it can be a beautiful thing to see with all the cherry blossoms everywhere. Over the past few months I wondered if the coming of spring would help with my sadness over Isaac, and while in some ways it has, in other ways it seems to be serving as just another reminder that he isn't here. All around me, things are growing, changing, and showing evidence of life... and somehow, that seems to be reminding me lately of how Isaac is not here, growing, changing, and becoming his little self. I wish so much that I would be able to see him smile and giggle, to watch him learn to hold his head up, to put him in the swing on the playground behind our house, or take him out in a jogging stroller when I go for a run. Instead, I watch other people's little ones on the swing, and other moms go for a run with their babies in a stroller.

Yet other days, God uses the beauty of spring to just whisper to me... "I will make everything beautiful in its time." And I believe Him.

There's a song on the Chris Tomlin "Hello Love" CD that I have really come to love these past few months. It's called "I Will Rise." In particular, the bridge often brings me to tears...

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the lamb.
And I hear the voice of every longing heart
Worthy is the lamb.

I guess what really resonates with me in the first two lines is thinking about how Isaac is part of that beautiful chorus of voices in heaven that is praising God. In fact, whenever I hear a song about heaven, I think of him. But I guess to just have this picture of my son being in the fullness of the presence of God is just... wow.

And the second part of the bridge talking about longing hearts... at first I only thought of it in terms of longing for Jesus; but more recently, I realized that it is equally fitting to consider the hearts of people longing for something, or someone else, too and all the while still praising God in the midst of that storm. The parents longing to hold their child again the way that I long to hold Isaac... the couple who desperately wants to hold any child but struggles to even become pregnant... the person longing for a cure for their loved one... and all the while, still praising Jesus's name. There has become something quite beautiful to me about the heart and life of a person who, in their brokenness still praises God... through the questions, the uncertainty, the heartbreak, and the tears.

So I would just ask that you would pray for us today... that God would grant us His peace, that He would just be really present, and that He would allow us to see the beauty He is making from all of this.

Dear Isaac,

I can't believe six months has passed since your birthday. I miss you more than words could ever express. It is so hard to not have you here with us. Daddy and I would love nothing more than to be able to still hold you, kiss your little nose, snuggle with you, and tell you how much we love you and how we're so proud of you. We're sad that we can't take you out on the playground, or go on walks with you in your stroller. We just miss you so much. But since you aren't here with us, we're thankful that you're in the most perfect place... and that there, you are healed, you are rejoicing in the presence of God, and you are safe. I love you so much, Isaac... I am so proud of you.

Love,

Mommy

41 comments:

Sonya said...

You are always in my prayers Stacy but I will be praying for you all especially today.

Bethany said...

His picture is still so precious. None of us have forgotten your son, Stacy. I'm praying for God's peace to overwhelm you today.

Stephanie said...

Praying for you today Stacy!

Scottish Twins said...

You are such an inspiration. Your faith is amazing.

Your family is in my prayers today.

Miche said...

He is so beautiful. The two of you will be in my prayers today.

lottfam said...

We think of you and pray for you almost daily. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so we know specifically how to pray. We pray that God will give you extra grace to make it though today. Stay focused on Him . . . "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Misty Rice-Baniewicz said...

Morning Friend - I thought about you this morning. As I seem to understand your feelings and emotions. You have to be in one of the hardest places one can be in life. Rejoicing and mourning..... both two very extreme, real and different emotions.

I know your heart is heavy today, and know that I am going to help carry some of that burden today, with keeping you in my thoughts and prayers all day. I ache for you.

Hang in there sister.... and know that you are loved, our Isaac is loved and our Isaac has given so many others around the world a chance of eternal live also. That is something so amazing and something to celebrate in the midst of this storm and as well as springs goes into full bloom.

Hold your head up high today and smile as any proud mother would girl. And when you feel you can't..... Ill hold mine up high and look others in the eye as they pass me by, and I will just smile, because I know of a little Isaac who is celebrating many things today.

God Bless.

Your Sister and Friend...

Angela said...

Praying for you today as you miss your sweet boy.

The Abrams said...

I think about you and Spencer and your beautiful Isaac often...you are all in my prayers. I hope God brings you peace on these tough milestones.

Rebecca Jo said...

Sending you hugs & prayers!

Kates said...

I am thinking about you alot today. I know that Isaac and all of the other babies in heaven are singing on this spring day. Thank you so much for you openess and example of faith.

Love from WI

Kate

Amy Mott said...

You are in my prayers today. I am sure Isaac is soundly asleep in the arms of the Lord while He looks down upon you.

Cynthia said...

Thining of you and praying for peace and comfort.

Molly said...

I'm so sorry. I just said a prayer for you and your husband. And for Isaac in heaven.

Amy said...

Thinking of you and your husband today. Praying that you both feel wrapped in our Lord's loving arms. I know today is hard.

Amy

King J's Queen said...

We continue to lift you in our prayers.

Rachel said...

Stacy, you overwhelm me. I am so inspired by your faithfulness. I can understand your struggle, maybe not in the same way, but I definitely have gone through hard times in the past 5 or 6 months. And even through those storms, there was NO WAY I could stop praising Jesus, how could I stop praising Jesus? There's another song by Chris Tomlin that is AMAZING (and I think is on that same CD and I know you have heard it and appreciate it...."How can I keep from singing your praise? How can I ever say enough, How AMAZING is Your love? How can I keep from Shouting your name? I know I am LOVED by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!" :o) Those words among many others have given me motivation to go about my days with joy and smiles and laughter. I rejoice in the fact that God has brought me through so many things and I know you and your husband do as well. I am praying for you & your family especially today. I pray that God will FLOOD your heart and your husbands heart with peace and Joy! There is absolutley NOTHING greater than our God!

Your Sister in Christ,
Rachel Lynn <><

Anonymous said...

Praying for you today!

Heather said...

Praying for God's peace and comfort to surround you, especially today.

Laura said...

Praying for you and Spencer, Stacy.

Devon said...

thinking of you today stacy...praying He will meet you where you are.

mrsrubly said...

what a beautiful love letter to Isaac.i know he is there looking at his momma and he is PROUD of you. still praying for ya'll. in christ..bonny

Kelli said...

Sending a hug and a prayer your way!

Alison said...

Thinking about and praying for you today, Stacy. ((HUGS))

Sarah Schneider said...

Stacy,

My name is Sarah and I have been following your blog for a couple months now. I pray for you and your family. I have friends who lost their son at 5 1/2 weeks of age, the mom does not have a blog yet, but I told her about yours. She too, is an incredible woman of faith. You guys are so inspiring. It helps me be a better friend to her when I read your blog and take your advice on how to minister to loved ones who have experienced such a tremendous loss.

Praying for rest, peace, joy, and comfort for yall's minds and hearts today.

Amanda said...

Stacy,

Thinking of you today as you mark 6months without Issac. Today would have been my Gavin's 1st birthday and instead I also went to the cemetary. The past year although agonizingly long and painful also seems to have slipped right through my fingers like sand. I simply cannot believe that it has been one year since I got to meet my little man for the first time and eleven months since I had to say goodbye. I pray that God will grant you peace today as you remember Issac.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7/08-5/3/08

This is the day! said...

Praying for you today!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Beautiful Stacy... You know, I've come to believe that "praising Jesus in the brokenness" is one of the most beautiful and precious of all that is experienced on this Earth. There is a deep abiding grace and beauty in that type of praise found in the broken places. A heart-breaking, life-changing beauty...a sweetness. I'm not sure if we notice that beauty unless we've walked there. But once our eyes are opened to it, we see it all around. And we know the precious gift that it is.

Remembering your sweet Isaac...

Praying, as always...

With Love,
Kelly

Nicole said...

Love Love Love that song too! It speaks volumes to a grieving mommy. Happy 6 Month Birthday Isaac!

Ang said...

Stacy,
I will be praying for you. I do understand your loss and feel so much hurt in my heart for you and your husband. ((hugs)))

Charity said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I love that song by Chris Tomlin; it is amazing to think of the precious babies that we had to say good-bye to singing praises to Jesus in Heaven!

Cara said...

Stacy - six months is really a hard milestone. The longing is so deep to just go back and fix all this madness.

Thinking of you as you trudge through each slow/fast day.

((hugs))

~Kelli said...

Praying for you today! I can't imagine how much your heart and your arms long to hold Isaac one more time...its got to be soo tough! Many prayers and hugs!

Mary P said...

I am praying for peace in your heart. I didn't physically know Isaac, but I miss him too...

Kelly said...

I just so happened to stumble upon your blog and have been reading it. I also lost my daughter at 26 weeks. She was stillborn. This happened a little over two years ago. I remember that six month mark. It seems to be so hard. For me it was me thinking, it's been a half a year and only six more months until a year...will people forget, will people think I'll be okay at a year?

Take care of yourself and grieve how you want.

Prayers and love,

Kelly

http://icansee-kelly.blogspot.com

Seraphim said...

Dear Stacy and Spencer, praying for you and thinking of you today. I wish I could offer some comfort to you. Solace is hard to find when you have endured such huge loss. Your little boy is beautiful xxxx

Christa @ Quintooples said...

I just want you to know that you are in my prayers, and I am praying for the Mighty arms of comfort for you. ((())) I honestly can't imagine the grief, and I hope you are feeling some of the peace that only HE can bring you.

~Christa
www.quintooples.com

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What beautiful pictures. You are such a great inspiration.
I will be praying for you.

I would love for you to stop by my blog. I am a new blogger that has a lot to learn. This is my second month in the world of BLOG. I have a great give away this month. This drawing will be the last day of April. Just leave a comment and you are in the drawing.
This NEW blogger was so touched by all the comments I received on the Blog Party (over 300). I have decided to make this a monthly GIFT... I so loved reading every comment.
In May, there will be some fun blogs coming from Disney World. I hope to blog every night, in case you like a good trip report. There will also be a Disney giveaway. I am so thankful for all my new friends.

Lynnette Kraft said...

Stacy,
The road of grief is so interesting. When it feels like you might be beginning to feel hope - as though you really will be victorious over the fear, the longing, the pain... there comes a day where you feel as though you won't. (Have you read the chapter in my book called "A Time To Weep"? That chapter is about how you think you're getting somewhere but then memories, thoughts, etc. take you back.)

Well, rest assured, you will get there. You won't hurt forever. You won't have the desperate longing forever. You are getting there one day at a time.

My heart goes out to you - and my prayers. I pray that God's comfort, peace and purpose will give you fresh hope and that you will rejoice in the way he is working in your life...that you'll be able to know in your heart that it is all for a beautiful and divine purpose.

Praying for you.
Lynnette
www.lynnettekraft.com

Melissa said...

Oh my gosh, my heart is hurting with you. I can't imagine what you are going through but I'm so blessed to see that you are letting Jesus carry you through.
The photos of your little man are just too precious. He is such a handsome little guy!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish i knew what to say but i don't. I just wanted to leave a note and let you know your son touched another life today... mine. God bless.

Rebecca Louise. said...

I decided to put the song on you tube as I read this post. It made your workds speak such bigger volumes to me.

Happy 1/2 year birthday Isaac...your're such a love little baby! xxx.