Today, my heart is just heavy. It is amazing to me the way that time can seem to both race forward and stand still; but that's the way the last 6 months have been. The bottom line is this: I can't believe it has been six months since I last held my son, and quite honestly, I just want him back. I miss him so much.
This past week we made an extra trip to the cemetery to see Isaac's headstone. It isn't in place yet, but we wanted to see it anyway. Although I am happy with how it turned out, I just remember standing there while rubbing my fingers over the letters of his name and thinking, "I can't believe that this is something we ever had to think about."
Spring time is in full-swing here in Maryland, and particularly in the DC area, it can be a beautiful thing to see with all the cherry blossoms everywhere. Over the past few months I wondered if the coming of spring would help with my sadness over Isaac, and while in some ways it has, in other ways it seems to be serving as just another reminder that he isn't here. All around me, things are growing, changing, and showing evidence of life... and somehow, that seems to be reminding me lately of how Isaac is not here, growing, changing, and becoming his little self. I wish so much that I would be able to see him smile and giggle, to watch him learn to hold his head up, to put him in the swing on the playground behind our house, or take him out in a jogging stroller when I go for a run. Instead, I watch other people's little ones on the swing, and other moms go for a run with their babies in a stroller.
Yet other days, God uses the beauty of spring to just whisper to me... "I will make everything beautiful in its time." And I believe Him.
There's a song on the Chris Tomlin "Hello Love" CD that I have really come to love these past few months. It's called "I Will Rise." In particular, the bridge often brings me to tears...
And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the lamb.
And I hear the voice of every longing heart
Worthy is the lamb.
I guess what really resonates with me in the first two lines is thinking about how Isaac is part of that beautiful chorus of voices in heaven that is praising God. In fact, whenever I hear a song about heaven, I think of him. But I guess to just have this picture of my son being in the fullness of the presence of God is just... wow.
And the second part of the bridge talking about longing hearts... at first I only thought of it in terms of longing for Jesus; but more recently, I realized that it is equally fitting to consider the hearts of people longing for something, or someone else, too and all the while still praising God in the midst of that storm. The parents longing to hold their child again the way that I long to hold Isaac... the couple who desperately wants to hold any child but struggles to even become pregnant... the person longing for a cure for their loved one... and all the while, still praising Jesus's name. There has become something quite beautiful to me about the heart and life of a person who, in their brokenness still praises God... through the questions, the uncertainty, the heartbreak, and the tears.
So I would just ask that you would pray for us today... that God would grant us His peace, that He would just be really present, and that He would allow us to see the beauty He is making from all of this.
I can't believe six months has passed since your birthday. I miss you more than words could ever express. It is so hard to not have you here with us. Daddy and I would love nothing more than to be able to still hold you, kiss your little nose, snuggle with you, and tell you how much we love you and how we're so proud of you. We're sad that we can't take you out on the playground, or go on walks with you in your stroller. We just miss you so much. But since you aren't here with us, we're thankful that you're in the most perfect place... and that there, you are healed, you are rejoicing in the presence of God, and you are safe. I love you so much, Isaac... I am so proud of you.