Saturday, April 25, 2009

Untitled

It's hard for me to go six days without providing an update of some sort; but to be honest, this past week has been tremendously difficult, and I had trouble putting my finger on what it was and what God would have me take from it. I am still not completely sure that I know, but I felt like a new post was long overdue. But, I don't have a title for this post. That's why it's Untitled.

Over the last few days, I have just felt really restless and like there was just this huge weight on my soul. Things at work have been tremendously difficult for a whole host of reasons (thankfully, there is some comic relief in working with middle school students!), and truthfully, it has been hard being in a new school this year in light of all that has happened. And then, it all came together for me on Tuesday as to where this restlessness was stemming from.

You see, last year I interviewed for the teaching position I currently hold on April 15th. It was a Tuesday. That Friday, April 18, I went back for a second interview and was offered the position. I was 12 weeks pregnant with Isaac at this point. I decided to take some time to think and pray about the position over the weekend, but really felt like I was being lead in the direction of taking the job. It is significantly closer to where we live, and I thought it would be a wise decision to be working much closer to home for when the baby came.

That weekend, my wonderful mom took my sister and I to New York for the weekend as a belated birthday gift. It was great... we saw Wicked, ate a fabulous Italian restaurant, did some shopping, and even stood outside to wave at the cameras during the broadcasting of the Today show. The only downer was that I felt like my pregnancy symptoms had suddenly dropped. But, I put that aside, and enjoyed the weekend.

We returned home late Sunday night, and I had already taken Monday off. So, still feeling a little uneasy in the sudden drop of symptoms, I called my doctor and they were very kind to have me come in for a heartbeat check.

On my way to the appointment that Monday, I called and accepted the new teaching position and was quite excited to be cutting my commute by two thirds... that would definitely mean extra time with the baby...so I thought.

Upon arriving at the doctor's office, they took me in right away and searched for Isaac's heartbeat on the doppler. After about 10 minutes of trying, they couldn't find it. So, the whisked us back for an ultrasound. They found Isaac's heartbeat, but it was at this time that they found his extremely large cystic hygroma and omphalocele. We met with my doctor, and were immediately referred to a genetic counselor at the maternal-fetal medicine group. It was then that we were told that Isaac had a 5-10% chance of living. After meeting with the genetic counselor, we went immediately to have a CVS done. As far as I knew, life felt like it had just completely unraveled. That was April 21st of last year. No wonder it's been such a difficult week.
One of the things that has been hard lately is that for many people, everything with Isaac seems to be old news. There's a very clear divide in our lives between the people who are still willing, wanting, and able to talk about him with us, and those who are not. And so, when confronted with weeks like this, it can be hard to explain why they're difficult. I don't know if the time surrounding when we were first given Isaac's poor prognosis will always be difficult like I would expect other days, like October 7th, to be; but I do know that this year it was. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that that was already a year ago.

Today I had lunch with a friend. I call her a friend because it was also around this time last year that she and I connected. Lauren's daughter, Norrah, had been given a poor prenatal prognosis as well. I am happy to report that Norrah was born on July 1st of last year and is here with her precious mom, dad, and sister Izzy. Throughout my pregnancy with Isaac, Lauren and I would joke about he and Norrah being friends, maybe even falling in love??, and the like. I was amazed by God's goodness in providing Lauren as a warrior of prayer and source of encouragement. She had a beautiful quilt made for Isaac, sent me this really cool pregnancy t-shirt, made Isaac a CD since she knew I loved to play him music. She has such a compassionate heart, and meeting her for lunch today was like getting together with an old friend. It was refreshing to be around someone who wanted to talk about Isaac, ask to see his pictures, and who reminded me of God's faithfulness in it all. My soul needed that. And wouldn't you know it, even though I brought my camera, I forgot to take a picture! Next time...

I continue to be amazed at how, in His graciousness, the Lord has surrounded us with so many people who have supported us and upheld us... who have been our stretcher bearers and the hands and feet of Jesus to us. Some of you I have the honor of knowing in real life; others of you I only know via this wonderful tool known as the internet; and others still, I have "met" through this blog (I call you my "blog friends") and have had the privilege of meeting in real life.

I just want you to know that we are thankful for you.

This continues to be a journey, and I have full confidence in the fact that God continues to be very present, even in the days that are hard. To Him be the glory...

And stay tuned this week for more information about Isaac's Golf Tournament!!!

33 comments:

Jaclyn said...

Just want to let you know that I'm still praying for you guys. Hang in there.

mandie lane said...

Stacy, you're still in my prayers. Isaac too- your sweet, beautiful boy will not be forgotten.

Anonymous said...

Still here praying, and remembering Isaac every day. God WILL make good come out of the bad. He promised.

Jen

Anonymous said...

Isaac is such a lucky boy to have an amazing mother like you.
Go bless the three of you.

Rachel E. said...

Praying for peace for you, Stacy. It's hard for people who aren't grieving to understand why people who are don't just "get over it and move on." Isaac will always be important to all of us (your IRL friends and your blog friends) and we will always remember him.

Courtney said...

Like you, I remember every date. The day I found out I was pregnant..The day I got the call that my quad screen was bad..The day we had our first level 2 ultrasound and confirmed all of Hallie's markers for T13/18..I cannot believe it's been almost two years since I found out we were pregnant with her. I miss her and her little sister every single day. You are so lucky that you have people who will still talk about your sweet boy with you. The friends that I have left (most didn't even attend Hallie's memorial), never mention my girls' names, and that hurts so much more than them bringing them up. Sending you hugs and prayers..Think about you often. God Bless.

http://cestep.blogspot.com

Tammy On the Go said...

Thank you for always sharing. I learn from you all the time. I need you to pray with me. My best friend from high school, long time friend, is in a fight against cancer for her son. He is not yet 3. I have a post on my blog today, please please pray for him.

Sara M said...

I just want you to know that Issac is certainly not old news to me. I keep your family in my prayers daily and will continue to do so.

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

I thought about you all day today -- it was the Music City Marathon -- so please know you were specifically prayed for often today. Love and support always, from TN.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

I remember that "dividing line" in our lives between the people that were willing to talk about our babies and those that were not. It is amazing what walking through loss reveals about our relationships with others. I'm so sorry you have had a difficult week...flooded with memories of Isaac's diagnosis. Praying His continued comfort and grace as He carries you, sweet friend...

Deanna said...

I was drawn to your blog through another's and just wanted to let you know that I've enjoyed reading about your journey. Your faith is incredible and I just enjoy reading your story, and hearing about Isaac.

Kristin said...

Stacy
Keep talking about Isaac - you need it and those of us "blog friends" need to hear it also. Your honesty and walk with God is encouraging to those of us who care to read. My prayer for you is that those close to you would be open to hearing what you need to share - and when you need to share it.
Blessings, Kristin

Melissa said...

Honestly I look forward to reading your blog and HEARING the memories of Isaac. I am sorry you have people in your life that feel you should move on. They should understand you never will and although he is in the arms of Jesus, he is still your son, and your stories should be welcomed with open arms.

Praying for you as always. Take care.

Angela said...

One of the hardest things about a very personal grief is when others move on and you are still there. It's still real to you, as it should be. You'll never forget Isaac nor should you. You're such a good mommy to him. I'm sorry you had a bad week. Still praying for you.

Erika said...

Stacy, I always want to hear about Isaac, and you and Spencer are always in my prayers. I am so sorry this week has been so tough. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Love,
Erika

http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/

Mommy Attorney said...

Still here, still praying for you. I will always remember Isaac, as his life and your story reached out and grabbed my heart.

Ki said...

Sweet Stacy- Isaac is not forgotten. He is now woven into the fabric of all of our lives who have been touched by his story. That can never be undone. And we don't just remember him in tears, but with joy. Someday I'll meet him in heaven and say, "hey, I know you!" You can count on it.

Molly said...

Thinking of you and Isaac. I'm so very sorry that so many days are hard reminders. I will say a prayer this Sunday for peace.

Carol in NC said...

I have a friend who loves to run. He presses on even when he feels like he's about to explode and he pushes harder and harder , for all sorts of reasons I guess. Once he told me that sometimes he feels guilty when he gasps so hard for air, and he tells himself that he should be in better shape, that he should be used to pushing so hard, that he should reach that "leveled out" stage of running sooner.

He said one day he was running and breathing heavily and struggling and the Lord spoke to him very clearly, telling him that he could have all the air he wanted. That it was all around him and he could breathe as hard as he needed to, that's what it was there for; available, free, purposeful. That he could rest in God's provision.

So I guess what I'm saying is this: it's ok to let Him carry you for as long as you need it. Breathing is one thing we don't have to apologize for! And we don't have to apologize for needing Jesus so desperately. Because deep down, we all need him just a much too. Right?

Amanda said...

We haven't met yet in person - I've been following your story and commenting since you were posting on the Nest. If you ever want to get together (I live in Northern VA) I'd be happy to listen to you share all of your Issac stories and memories. He is an inspiration to me, and by you sharing you story I have treasured my daughter even more and thank God for every moment I am able to spend with her.
-AJinVA

Desiree said...

I have been following your blog since July, but this is my first time to comment. I dont even know you, but your story is definitely not old news. I think of you and Isaac often. Knowing Isaac and his story has made me a better Christian and a better mother. I am a new mother who thanks God everyday for my blessings. You are such a great mother to Isaac and will be to his brothers and sisters one day. Btw, I have to add how gorgeous that sweet Isaac is.

Valerie and Eric said...

I'm sorry this has been a difficult week for you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Lynette said...

Always here reading - I remember Isaac every day and come here to see how you are. I'm sorry this past week has been so difficult - praying for peace and a more gentle time for you at work.
lynette x

Rebecca Louise. said...

I can see why it is a hard week for you...anniversaries are hard to to go through.

Thinking of you and Spencer always.

Cynthia said...

Here's to a better week at work. Thinking of you all and praying.

Lorraine-bo said...

I am sure that I am not the only one out here in "blog-land" that still likes to hear about Isaac. He was a beautiful boy. I can see how it would be a difficult week for you.

May you feel the Lord's comfort & peace around you this week.

Susie said...

I still enjoy hearing about your little man.

Kristin (kekis) said...

Since many/most of us here didn't get the chance to meet Isaac, we depend on you to still talk about him so we can remember him through you. He will never be forgotten - a beautiful baby like Isaac? Never! And while you say you're thankful for us, we are most thankful for you and Spencer. Thank you for sharing your son, your life, your thoughts, your faith and your feelings so selflessly.

AngelsAmid said...

I just want you to know that even though I haven't posted in awhile I pray for you everyday. *huge hugs*

Anonymous said...

Sweet little Isaac will never be forgotten. He has touched SO many people including myself. I have never and probably will never have the pleasure of meeting you however I feel truly blessed to "know" you through your blog. Your amazing stength and conviction is admirable and you are an amazing person and mother! Keeping you in my prayers!

Missy

Connor's Mom said...

I, too, continue to think of and pray for you. I don't get to check in as often as I'd like but every time I stop by I am completely inspired by your CONTINUED faith. I'm so sorry you had a tough week.

Staci

Laura said...

I still come to your blog to look at your baby's picture to brighten my day...no way is his memory lost!! As I have said before, in his short amount of time here, he touched more lives than those who have lived decades...
Thank you for sharing sweet baby boy Isaac with all of us!! (he is so stinkin' cute... :))

pollykinz said...

Just wanted to let you know I still follow your blog to keep up on how you are doing. I think of you often and pray for your continued strength and healing.