Sunday, September 27, 2009

10 days...

The fact that Isaac's birthday is approaching in 10 days has been wearing on me. I am just finding myself sort of heightened emotionally, not sleeping too well, and just overall a little more exhausted than usual.

On a positive note, Spencer and I finally found a cedar chest in which to store Isaac's things. What we haven't hung on walls or displayed has been sitting in the room that would have been his nursery for the past year. I just hadn't been ready to put them away... doing so just felt like I was moving on and I have been having a hard time with that recently. But yesterday, we went up to an Amish market and found a beautiful cedar chest that we both loved. We wanted it made slightly differently than the version they had in the store, so they were kind enough to custom order one for us. It won't be here in time for Isaac's birthday, but that's okay.

I had a dream last night about October 7th... I dreamed that I accidentally went to work because I had forgotten what day it was. When I showed up, my substitute teacher was there and was confused as to why I was there; when I realized it, I felt horrible... not believing I could forget a day as important as this. That must have been about the time I woke up.

And believe me... there's no place I would rather NOT be right now than work. While my hopes of this being better year were high, it just hasn't been the case. At all. I am thankful to have a job, and enjoy the students I am working with... but other aspects of my job are just not going well.

So throughout the next 10 days, we would really appreciate your prayers as I can feel the tidal wave of grief swelling and growing. I have learned to predict fairly well when it's going to strike, and I know October 7th will be no exception. The truth is, almost a year later, I still miss my son. Terribly. While the Lord has graciously carried us a long way through this journey, I don't miss Isaac any less... and I really don't think I ever will. I am learning that the missing just sort of becomes Incorporated into the fabric of who you are when you've lost a child... not that it ever goes away.

We appreciate your prayers for us and your continued words of encouragement. I know that the Lord uses them mightily.

49 comments:

Bethany said...

I'm still so sorry, Stacy. I'll be praying.

Seraphim said...

I am glad you found a beautiful cedar box for isaac's belongings. I am so sorry work isn't great for you. Is a transfer possible? I'm not sure how the system works in the states. And finally, I started following your blog about this time a year ago. I'll be keeping you and Spencer in my thoughts and prayers xxx

Cheryl said...

I am so sorry Stacy. I hope that you can maybe transfer to a different school. I will be praying for you and Spencer in the coming days. I can't imagine the pain that you two are going through.

Many prayers from IL,

Cheryl

mandie lane said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers, Stacy.

Paige said...

Stacy,
I will be thinking about you and praying for you as Isaac's birthday approaches. I hope that you WILL take the day off and that you and your husband will be able to spend some time together doing something you enjoy. When we celebrated my daughters' first heavenly birthday, we took a road trip out of town which really helped. We started and the cemetery and then hit the road. I highly recommend it!

King J's Queen said...

I continue to remember you and Spencer in prayer.

April said...

You're right, you won't ever miss Isaac any less. That is the bond of parent to child that God created. It's unwavering as God's love for us. He made this connection to be the strongest here on earth. I will pray as your son's birthday comes near.

My parents also have a hope cedar chest that contains my brother's keepsakes. We lost him the day he was born, unexpectedly. And 21 years later, all of his baby items are still safely inside it.

Crystal said...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Yesterday wad Addison's 2nd birthday and Oct. 15th is her angel day so fall is a pretty emotional time for me as well... many hugs to you. I'm glad you found the perfect chest. I still need to get one for Addisons things also. :(

Amy said...

You are definitely in our prayers.

Carly K. said...

Stacy, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

fragments said...

Stacy, your family will be in my thoughts and prayers this month. ((hugs))

Bluebird said...

Praying, definitely praying.

I'm so sorry this milestone is looming for you.

Franchesca Cox said...

((hugs))

pollykinz said...

You guys are in my prayers, as always. I know this will be a hard few weeks for you. May God give you strength to get through it.

Jessica said...

Hello Stacy, I will keep you and your family in my prayers as Isaac's birthday comes near. Prayers for peace and healing. *hugs*

Laura said...

Still thinking of you...praying for you as you courageously walk through the next milestone in your journey.

Praying for much peace and grace.
Sending love,
Laura

asplashofsunshine said...

The cedar chest must be wonderful. Something tangible to look forward to. Isaac is such a gift every day, and especially on October 7th, his special day. I hope you can celebrate as much as your hearts can handle. Take care! Know that support around the world will carry you as much as you will need. Sweet Isaac is always in our hearts.

Stacy said...

I began reading your blog when you were pregnant with Isaac. I can not believe it has been a year since his birth. I still check in on you and still hurt for your loss. I'll be praying for you even more in the coming days.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you and Spencer know that I will be thinking of and praying for you. God bless.

Missy

Brooke said...

I hope you will share pictures of the chest. I will pray that the next week and a half will not be too hard on your heart.

Kamaile said...

Thinking of you & Spencer today and on Issac's birthday.

Erin said...

I will be praying for you and your husband. So sorry about your difficult work situation on top of everything else you are going through this month. Peace to you and your husband

The Blue Sparrow said...

Stacy, I will be thinking and praying for you! I am so sorry that we're on this road together and Im sorry that work is not going well. A crappy day at work just seems to intensify my emotional state so I understand where your coming from with this. I will be covering you with a blanket of prayers on the 7th! Big Hugs!

Desiree said...

Of course you will always miss Isaac. You are his mother. I will be praying for you and Spencer over the next 10 days. I cannot even imagine what you will be going through.

Anonymous said...

dear stacy, it is very late here. i am crazy with my own grief and haven't read your whole page ... yet. i will. i have been desperately searching for another christian mom who has walked this path. i identify so completely with all of the other blogs... but.... well, anyhow. my precious daughter was stillborn on aug 11. 7 weeks ago. i have lost others, and have given birth to others that live. there are 8 in all. milestones hurt. we grieve, He is there through it all, but we still hurt- agonize. you are in my prayers....

Jacksmom said...

Stacy,

We are thinking about all 3 of you a lot lately, especially with October 7th around the corner. We still pray for you and Spencer every night, and while we know that these next couple of weeks will be hard, we hope that you know that we love you guys, pray for you, and hope that you know how many people are prayerfully supporting you.

Holly said...

His birthday is a big day and I can understand why you feel the way you do. That's great you found a cedar chest to put Isaac's things in. I bet it is quite beautiful!! I love the smell of cedar. I will be praying and thinking of you.

whippetmom said...

Still praying for you guys. I've followed your story since someone first shared it on the nest. I can't imagine how tough these next few days will be. Your sweet little Isaac has touched so many lives with his story and your faith! ((hugs))

kendra! said...

I offer you my prayers, Stacey, and my thankfulness that you have made this a place of honesty and reverence for God. May He continue to carry you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you.

May the day and all days be filled with peace.

Em
from Australia

jacks grandmom said...

It doesn't seem possible that a year has gone by- i know it is still so fresh in your heart and your soul. He was a beautiful little boy and he has such loving parents. I'll be praying for all of you next Wednesday. I hope you can somehow get transferred to another school!
Love, Aunt Robin

Sonya said...

I have been praying for both you and Spencer knowing that this day is approaching very quickly.

Anonymous said...

As the anniversary of Isaac's birth approaches, it may be helpful to celebrate the positive aspects of the experience. The grace that was bestowed upon you at his birth and during the year, the support of friends/family, the knowledge that Isaac's soul is in the perfect place, the only place where he is supposed to be. We all tend to suffer over things that we can't change. The suffering continues as long as we allow the 'would be, should be, could've been' thoughts to monopolize our days. If we can accept that life is full of changes that we have no control over and to (as graciously as possible) accept the fact of change and even embrace it, we then allow ourselves to move on into the next journey. It doesn't mean to 'forget', it simply means to accept the peace in your heart and find the joy in your life (although that may be very hard right now given your work circumstance). I hope these words help you find some new perspective in the weeks to come when your celebrate the short life of your baby.

Anonymous said...

May God continue to give you grace and peace. Strength for the coming month. Isaac has touched more lives and changed so many hearts. Many prayers are sent to you and Spencer.

Rebecca Louise. said...

When I flipped the calendar over today I saw that it was October and Isaac's birthday was what popped into my head.

Let's make it a day of celebration :)

Heather said...

I just came across your blog.

First, let me tell you how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your Isaac. I just lost a baby girl named Madelyn a little more than a month ago. We, like you, were only able to spend a short time with our daughter before she went to heaven. I don't have to tell you it's the worst kind of pain ever.

I know I don't know you, but will be thinking of you and your husband over the next week.

I love the idea of a custom-made box. I never thought about checking an Amish community for one...thanks for the idea.

Goulart-Nathe Family said...

Stacy,
I have been lurking on your blog n and off for over a year. You and I were pregnant at similar times and my baby was due the day you delivered your dear Isaac. My son was born on October 7th also. My entire labor, I thought of you, preparing for your delivery...a much different delivery than mine. I prayed for you, and also wanted my son to be born on the 6th. I know it is silly, but for some reason I wanted you to have that day for yourself. Obviously other babies would be born that day, but I didn't want it to be mine. How ridiculous! I came home from the hospital to read your blog and cried with you.

It has been a full year and I still think of you often. As we get ready to celebrate Ben's first birthday, I want you to know that I am still thinking of you and praying for you often...

Love to you both during this difficult time.

Once A Mother said...

I am so happy you found a chest to store Isaac's things. I have not been successful in my search for a place to keep my daughter's things yet. I am thinking of you as you ride this wave of emotion. Today, well in ten minutes at least, it will be Oct. 2nd, and that marks one year without our sweet little girl. The day and its meaning are just impossible. Allow yourself to feel those emotions, even the really tough ones. You are in my thoughts tonight for some peace as you navigate these tough days.

Michele said...

Sending hugs and prayers...

Inanna said...

I'm thinking of you and Isaac. We have a cedar box for William's things as well.

Laura said...

You are in my thoughts and heart, particularly in the next coming days. My tears for your sorrow.

Leah said...

My prayers continue to be with you.

Cara said...

Stacy -- It is hard to believe that year has passed. Isaac is still so loved and consciously remembered.

So missed - so wanted.

Abiding with you as you prepare for his birthday.

Aunt Becky said...

Praying always. Kisses to Heaven.

Kristen said...

thinking of you and praying every day!

Dana said...

Hi Stacy,
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and Isaac as his birthday approaches. What a glorious, amazing day!!!
Much love and blessings to you.

Dr Dandle said...

Thinking of you and Isaac today. May you find peace somewhere amongst the waves of pain.

Connie's Confessions said...

Thinking of you as October 7th approaches.

Cort said...

Hi Stacy, I will be praying for you and Spencer all day on Wednesday. I can imagine how hard it's going to be...our 1 year will be Jan. 11. I'm sorry work is not going well...will be praying for this situation too. xoxo Cortney