Monday, October 5, 2009

A Few Thoughts

Nothing major to report here. Just been hard to not think about "this time last year..." when it seems to be the place my mind naturally wanders. I am really hoping and praying for good weather on Wednesday, as several of the things Spencer and I have planned are outside. While the rain would certainly match my mood, I would rather there be sunshine.

I wanted to take some time to post some passages from scripture, song lyrics, and the like that have just encouraged me... particularly over the past few days.

Romans 8:31-39-- What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long;we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Hebrews 10:19-23-- Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

And, if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I love the lyrics to songs by Mark Schultz... and the melodies. He has a new album that came out this year, and I heard the song "He Is" for the first time while driving home from visiting family this past weekend.

Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know you're near me
Father let the world just fade away
Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing

HE IS
HE WAS
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
HE LIVES
HE LOVES
HE'S ALWAYS WITH ME
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE
THERE IS NO ONE HOLDING ME

BE STILL MY SOUL
HE IS

Father let your holy spirit sing
Let it calm the storms inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say

HE IS
HE WAS
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
HE LIVES
HE LOVES
HE'S ALWAYS WITH ME
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE
THERE IS NO ONE HOLDING ME

BE STILL MY SOUL

Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road
I'm not alone
No Matter where I am

HE IS
HE WAS
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
HE LIVES
HE LOVES
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE
THERE IS NO ONE HOLDING ME

BE STILL MY SOUL
BE STILL AND KNOW
BE STILL MY SOUL
HE IS

While I appreciate the well-intended encouragement to "embrace the change" that has occurred in my life over the last year and to "focus on the positives" so I can "stop suffering over the things I can't control," I just need to say that it doesn't work that way in this. On October 7, 2008 I didn't experience a change, I experienced the birth... and death... of my son. And while God has faithfully continued to show us how He is using Isaac's life for His glory, it doesn't erase the pain of not having Isaac here. As I have shared before, through this experience I have found a whole new appreciation for those who desire to glorify God in their brokenness... people who don't act as if they aren't hurting, haven't been completely rattled, or as if their lives haven't felt like they're falling apart. But rather, people who can authentically be who and where they are, and who can testify to God's goodness and faithfulness in the midst of life's fiercest storms. For a much more articulate version of this, see the lyrics to the song "Broken and Beautiful" written by none other than... Mark Schultz.

I am just so thankful for God's promises in His word, that He is faithful and true even when life is hard and when I am missing Isaac so much that it hurts.

UPDATE-- I just found this video today about the song "He Is" that I mentioned above. In this video, Mark Schultz explains the song's meaning and how he came to write it. Watch it... I know you'll be encouraged and blessed.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

My heart is hurting with you today. I wish that I had some words of wisdom but I can't seem to think of any. You are where you are in your life and no amount of "embracing" is going to change that. It is okay to be what you are right now, no one expects you to be anything different or say you feel something that you don't.

Praying that God's grace and peace surround you and your family this week.

Crystal said...

Many hugs to you. Fall used to be my favorite time of year... it is now so hard for me to deal with. People who have not experienced the loss of a child have no idea what its like... Its not a "change" its a tragedy. We will forever miss our angels. I don't think I will ever "embrace" the loss of Addison but have only learned to "deal" with it. If that makes sense.

Seraphim said...

It is your authenticity, your grace through your brokenness that makes you such a warrior for Christ Stacy. No one except Him has all the answers, or the right ones.
Thank you for sharing your faith through your grief. Please continue to be honest with us. As you say, you didn't experience "a change." You experienced the death of your beautiful baby boy. Sending all my love and walking the tides of grief with you leading up to Isaac's first birthday. xxx

Corie said...

Praying for you Stacy. While I am almost 2 years out...I still find moments when the pain just seems so intense. I think we learn to walk with the change. Not embrace it...just get used to it. But even then..I find the wound can open up with no reason or warning. I have found my desire to be more in managing the thoughts then getting over them. I promise I will be faithfully on my knees for you. Not just on his birthday but continuing throughout the year. I know how it just seems to continue. xoxo

Susie said...

Thinking of you this week...

Lorraine-bo said...

I know that I've mentioned before that I have not experienced the loss of a child; but to me, it seems even in my own griefs, I would not see myself "embracing the change." There is a change to the way you live life; but what happened to cause that is not merely "change." I think each of us in our own time (and there is no limit on how long) learns to live again, but differently. The only thing that I embrace, is God. I do thank Him for the ways that He has used my experience to grow me, touch others, and be, Himself, glorified; but that does not mean the same thing as being thrilled that it happened and embracing it. It just means learning to live with it, and remembering that even when I don't "feel" Him, He is there.

Praying for You and Spencer's continued journey of grief and peace.

Sonya said...

I love that Mark Schultz song. I heard him play it live and ever since then I think of you every time. How funny that you would post about it. I pray for you and Spencer quite frequently and of course will be praying for you in the days ahead. May God's loving arms be wrapped around you

Kristen said...

It is amazing to me how graciously you have let it be known that comments intended to "encourage" you have actually caused you more pain...I think it is absolutely insane that anyone would think that telling you to "embrace the change" and "stop suffering over things you can't control" are good things to say to a mother who is living life without her beautiful son. Reading what you wrote today just made me cry for you, not because I know what you are feeling...because I don't...but I know you have to be feeling intense pain and anxiety and I'm sure a zillion more things I couldn't even pretend to understand. I am just so very sorry you have to go through this...I wish I had something profound to say to you, I wish there actually was something to say to make you feel better, but I know that your pain will not be healed until you are "home" with our saviour and reunited with your sweet angel there as well. In the mean time, you will continue to be lifted up in prayer by me and many many others.

Holly said...

I really like Mark Schultz. His words and voice are so soothing to me. And I really do love his new song, so thank you for sharing that. I keeping you close in my thoughts as Oct 7 approaches. Sometimes it is just too hard to "focus on the positives" and I really don't know how you can just "stop suffering". I know that I can have a really great week and then in a moment it hits me and the tears are in my eyes. (((hugs)))

Devon said...

stacy...i owe you an email but just wanted to say that i think you have walked this road beautifully, with much grace and as well as any mom who has experienced such a loss could do. you have given your heart, your son..and have touched so many lives.

i love you and i'm so thankful for your friendship...

isaac has and will continue to be remembered and loved...always.

Trennia said...

I've been thinking about you and praying...(((HUGS))) my dear friend.

Tammy On the Go said...

HOw do I thank someone for allowing me into their suffering? But that is what I feel....I thank you for letting me "know" Isaac, you and he have changed me and I am so sorry that it took your pain to do so.
so blessed by you and your son.

banbear2 said...

I am thinking of you. Only people who have lost a child can truly understand what it is like. I am always amazed by your strength and faith.

Angela said...

May God grant you much peace and comfort in this time.

In Christ, Angela

Laura said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and heart as Wednesday approaches. I hope you have wonderful weather for this day. I was just looking at the beautiful picture of Isaac on your side bar and his gorgeous little nose - I imagine it has received a million angelic kisses this past year.

Megan said...

I will praying for you as well. He is faithful, and will comfort you.....Megan

Kristin said...

My prayers for you this week. I thank you for sharing Isaac with us - what an honor it is to "know" him through you. You have a Godly heart and you are showing others how to follow Christ in the face of unspeakable loss. Many prayers for blessings for you and Spencer as you come to October 7th.

I LOVE Mark Schultz...he has an amazing way with his song stories!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Wow, your post is really inspiring. You are very strong. Praying for you, God bless!

Rachel Tenpenny Crawford said...

I am one of those moms who also did not experience an unexpected change but the births and deaths of my twin girls, Aubrey and Ellie. I too have heard all the well meaning encouragement that really only negates the ENORMITY of what I lost. I too have seen how God is using my girls' lives for His glory and I also have experienced a deepening of my faith in the midst of (not despite) my pain and grief. Yet none of these "good" things erase my pain. My girls are still gone. And through it all I find myself unable to be anyone other than who I am feeling my real feelings and walking through my real life serving my real God whom I still love as best I can through my tears. My heart is still sad but I have hope, the same hope as you, that nothing can seperate us from the love found in Jesus. I hope you have a blessed year anniversary...thinking of you.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Many hugs to you. I wish I could tell you it gets easier... I know fall is and always will be hard for me.
I'm coming up on the 3 year mark of the birth and death of my son. It's still hard.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you remember you sweet baby boy.

Once A Mother said...

Thinking of you as you remember sweet Isaac and sending you prayers for peace in your heart. You honor him beautifully with your writing.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I've thought of Isaac almost every day in the past year. My heart breaks for you that you had to say hello and goodbye so quickly. I also wanted to say how proud I am of you and how blessed I feel to read your blog because you chose life for your son instead of giving up on him. You are such an inspiration to me, and I know that doesn't make you feel any better. I'm pregnant with a little boy who has been diagnosed with Down syndrome, which in itself isn't fatal (the secondary complications can be, but we're praying and hoping for the best), but I am completely discouraged and saddened by the statistics of how many people choose abortion when they get this diagnosis. I just feel blessed and surrounded by His greatness when I read your blog. :)

Happy birthday, Isaac, in a couple of days.

Dvlish said...

I just found your blog today and I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I had a still born daughter at 25 weeks on Jan 18th this year and am dreading the anniversary. I oray everyday for the strength to get through it. I pray that I will be as strong as you are and I pray that God will make His face shine upon you and grant you peace in the days to come. Amen.

Thank you for your words of wisdon and encouragement. You are an inspiration.

Emma's Mommy said...

I haven't commented in a while, but I still check in and check to see how you are doing. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and will be praying for you as your sweet Isaac's birthday approaches. I pray you are able to celebrate in some way admist your pain. He is alive...with our dear heavenly Father!

Bluebird said...

Stacy, you are always in my thoughts, but you have been especially so this past week. And today. And tomorrow.

I am holding you and your husband and sweet Isaac in my thoughts and prayers. Celebrating with you. Remembering with you. Crying with you. Rejoicing for his life and wishing with all my heart that he were here. Reaching out to wrap you all in my arms from afar.

*Of Course* you're broken and hurting and rattled! But you live it with a grace and strength and courage that I so appreciate. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

(((((HUGS))))) Please know that many are thinking and praying for you - this week and always.

Missy

Ki said...

Stacy-
Isaac WAS
Isaac IS
and Isaac always will be
Because of He who was, is and always will be.

Praying for you tomorrow- you, your husband and your beautiful boy.
Ki

Desiree said...

Thinking about your family more than ever as Isaac's 1 year birthday approaches. You have walked and carried on through this year with more grace and dignity than I have ever seen. You and Isaac have touched my life deeply. Praying for you

Lynn said...

We'll be praying for you and Spencer. Thank you for proclaiming the truth always- of God's Word & His presence but also of your journey through this life without sweet Isaac. If only how much you minister to all of us could take away the pain. Thank you for sharing this post and song. You are very much loved- both online & IRL :)

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Thinking of you...remembering your sweet Isaac...praying for His comfort and peace to surround you tomorrow and always...

Thank you for the way that you encourage grieving families...just by being you...just by walking this path with such grace and you trust in the Lord.

Continued love and prayers...

AJinVA said...

I just wanted to let you know I still read your blog and still find you, your family, and your faith inspiring. Issac will never be forgotten, even by those who only got to know him from your wonderful blog. Sharing his life and your grief with us - I can only thank you. Prayers and hugs during this difficult time.

Joanne said...

May God grant you strength and peace at this very difficult time of the year for you and Spencer. Isaac will forever be a part of all of us who have followed your journey.
love and prayers.

Katie said...

Remembering your sweet Isaac on his (in a few hours) 1st birthday. Hoping that God holds you close.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today.

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you and Spencer on this eve of Isaac's first birthday. I heard a new song by David Crowder Band this evening and I thought of you guys as I listened to the lyrics:

"Life is full of light and shadow
Oh the joy and Oh the sorrow
Oh the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross"

Praying for peace and comfort for you both,

God bless,
Hannah

asplashofsunshine said...

I rushed over to your blog just now thinking that tomorrow is Isaac's special day. Thinking of you, your family, and everyone around you that is so lucky to know you. Isaac is more than remembered, he has etched a place into our hearts.

Tammy On the Go said...

It's October 7, and I am going to bed late. So I got to bed this morning, with you on my mind.

My dear friend, I will remember your son and honor your pain and joy today.

Troy & Amy said...

Those anniversary dates of passing of a family member are the hardest, especially the first year. I hope and pray that you'll begin to think of it as I do as the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc anniversary of my little one getting to go to heaven.

((((HUGS)))

May you be at peace today.

Seraphim said...

Stacy and Spencer and Isaac. Praying for you all today and thinking of sweet Isaac on his first birthday. Love to you all. xxxx

Nicole said...

Happy Birthday Baby Isaac! I love seeing your handsome face on your Mom's website!

Stacy-Praying for Peace and Love for you on this very very special day! Thank you for your honesty and encouragement. You are a beautiful Mama.

Love, Nicole