Saturday, July 19, 2008

A Full Moon

I am not superstitious. However, I did notice that Friday night there was a full moon, and the way my last two days have been, I start to wonder...

Friday's appointment was good in the sense that my doctor spent a lot of time with us answering questions and and processing things with us. What was frustrating was that I was told that I would most likely need to have a classic c-section. Once you've had a classic c-section, you are no longer a candidate for a regular birth. Additionally, there tends to be the risk of there being more scar tissue because the incision is larger. This is not what I had wanted to hear.

We left a few hours later for our trip to upstate New York to celebrate my father-in-law's 60th birthday. About 4 1/2 hours into the trip, the electrical parts of the car starting acting funny... lights on the dash started blinking, and as they did, the headlines would dim in and out. We pulled of the exit and into a gas station, and turned the car off. Upon trying to restart it, it was dead. So, we're in some rural part of New York, still 2 hours from our destination, getting a tow to a random mechanic at 10:00 at night. Thankfully, Spencer's sisters were able to come pick us up. We were also told that the problem was the battery, and the mechanic was able to fix the car that evening. For a situation that could have been a lot worse, it went as smoothly as it could. I was surprised at how calm both Spencer and I were able to remain!

Today I found out that a close friend of mine is pregnant. So are two other ladies in my department at my new school. It is so hard for me to hear news like this because I don't know how to respond. Of course I am happy, but it hurts my heart that our sweet Isaac isn't going to make it... that a healthy baby isn't our story. It's so hard to not feel so incredibly jealous and so incredibly frustrated... and to be honest, our situation sometimes makes me downright angry. That jealousy is something I am still having a hard time learning how to manage.

Like I said... there was a full moon on Friday. And no, I am still not superstitious... :)

I just feel like it has been one thing after another these last few days, and I am growing a bit weary in being strong. I seriously feel like I am just entrenched in this Job season... and I feel like I have just had enough. I could really use your prayers in figuring out how to manage my jealousy and how to guard my heart against that. Life just feels so heavy right now, and I miss the days where I felt more care-free and joy came so simply. I know that season will return, but walking through the valley can be so hard. Thanks for praying and for your continued encouragement.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just keep taking one tiny day at a time! You don't have to be strong all the time. You will see there is another side to this heartache. Someday, the two of you will have a baby of your own, and Isaac will be his or her gaurdian angel!

AngelsAmid said...

I'm praying for you, Spencer & Baby Isaac. (big hugs)

Monica said...

When we went thru something similar in our first pregnancy, one of my closest friends also became pregnant...it's one of the hardest situations on top of what you are already going thru--you want to be happy for them, excited like you normally would--but you are also human. I am praying (of course for God's will) but that you will have the outcome we had with our son--I am praying for a miracle every day for you. I hope and pray that the doctor's will be wrong...and that God will give you Isaac for a long time. But more than that I will be praying for strength and peace. I am so sorry...

Monica said...

Stacy, I will begin praying specifically that you will be able to avoid a classical section. This was our path, too, with Seth, and I was so nervous, disappointed, scared -- all of what you are feeling. And thankfully, the Lord saw fit to change our sitution so that, even though I still ended up with a C-sec, it wasn't as bad as expected. Much love and prayers still coming your way!

Monica, Jim, and Seth

crazycrustacean said...

Mr prayers continue to be with you. Take heart in knowing that god is always with you.

Stephanie said...

I know how strongly I feel all of that jealousy when I hear of other peoples' news about being pregnant, it is hard to feel that way and to not know what to do with it. I always keep you in my prayers. I put this quote in my blog last week and it sort of speaks to what you were saying, about when that season of light will return.

"Trouble lives its season,
shadows our hearts
until it is spent.
It changes the landscape,
but leaves a space
for the light to return."

Lauren said...

Praying for you. I wish there was something more that I could do, but I will just pray that the Lord directs us all. I am still praying that your c-section goes as smoothly as possible. I know that our God can make it a miracle surgery. Loving you and baby Isaac.

Trish said...

I just came by to tell you that I'm thinking of you and praying. You're hanging in there better than anyone could expect.
You're a true testament in faith.

--Trish

Aunt Robin said...

Stacy- i am so sorry that you have to go through such torment and heartache- and please believe me when i say it is completely normal to feel jealous of someone else who has a "normal" pregnancy- even at the same time you are happy for them! You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that way. Even though your faith is so strong- you can't help being down about the situation and worrying- again you are human and have feelings- just give yourself permission to feel all of the things that you need to feel in order to process everything and make it through what you need to go through. As you well know, God will help you through!
Love Aunt Robin

Angela said...

I just spent the last two hours reading your entire blog from the beginning. I read most of it outloud to my husband as he did the dishes. I couldn't even read most of it without crying. We have really been struggling lately with the whole idea of suffering and how our response to it can and does affect unbelievers. Thank you so much for being real. Thank you for allowing God to use you and Spencer and Isaac.

My dad, a preacher/police officer (yes, it's possible) sent me this wonderful poem by A.M. Overton four days after Benjamin was born. (He has Down syndrome and we didn't know until about an hour after he was born.) It was written in 1932, so the language is a bit archaic. But the truth of the words give me strength. I literally cannot read it aloud without my voice cracking and tears flowing out of my eyes. God is *so* good to us, and He is in such control. I may not understand why, but I understand Who.

HE MAKETH NO MISTAKE
By A.M. Overton

My Father’s way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache.
But in my soul I’m glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead
For He doth know the way.

Tho’ night be dark and it may seem
That day will never break;
I’ll pin my faith, my all in Him.
He maketh no mistake.

There’s so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight’s far too dim;
But come what may, I’ll simply trust
And leave it all to Him.

For by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He’ll make,
Through all the way, tho’ dark to me,
He made not one mistake.

by A. M. Overton (1932)

Please know that a stranger in Georgia prays for you by name every day. I check your blog every day for updates. Ironically, the first day you blogged (I discovered tonight) was the day my son was born. God was helping us both that day.

Alison said...

I have been following your blog for a few weeks now. You and your family are never far from my thoughts. I was in church last Sunday and the second reading made me think of you. It was from Romans, Chapter 8.
"The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.
For creation awaits with eager expectation the revelation of the children of God;"
Your strength and courage astound me. I am a new mother myself, and I would have made the same decision you have made. I would rather have had a moment with my son, than to never have known him at all. I know you are struggling right now, and I wish I had more words of comfort. Please know you are and your precious baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

stace - praying for you. i'm glad you guys are able to focus on christ in this, and know that there's a LOT of people praying.
- megan harris

Keith said...

Stacy, I have read your entire story in one sitting last week when a friend of yours and Spencer's sent me the link. What an amazing journey of pain and suffering you two have been on. I was truly inspired by your courage, strength, faith and honesty. I sent your blog to my wife, my sisters and others who are strong in faith and know how to pray. We all will stand with you, Spencer and Isaac believing for a miracle.
One small encouragement...I was reading this morning in a Rick Joyner book called "The Call" - a marvelous vision he received of Heaven years ago. He was talking about worship and stated that God's attention is turned away from all the glory of worship in heaven by all the hosts of saints and angels when one humble saint on earth worships Him in the midst of their suffering. He unfolded this glorious picture of how the Father's heart is touched with overwhelming joy when humble people who've never seen Him face to face, or ever heard his voice audibly express their love through worship in the midst of their trials. The Lord told him that he went through all the suffering of the cross to bring this deep joy to His Father. I know that words can't truly capture the struggle and pain in your heart, but if you'll worship the Father in the midst of your suffering just because you love Him and trust Him, then I'm sure His joy will strengthen you to complete this journey through the valley and you will soon find yourself on a mountaintop marveling at the splendor of His perfect plan for you, Spencer and Isaac. God Bless you Stacy. Thank you for inspiring so many with your journey of faith and for your transparent heart. It has blessed me so much. I am praying for your family. Keith