Monday, July 14, 2008

A New Normal

Over the last few days I have had the opportunity to meet up with several friends, some of whom I see pretty regularly, and others I haven't seen in a while. I love being able to touch base and talk about life.

Obviously, during these conversations, Isaac came up a lot. I love the questions that I am asked by people because it not only shows that you care, but also helps me to reflect. One conclusion I have come to this past week is that Spencer and I are learning to adjust to what I call our "new normal."

This "new normal" is all about figuring out how to do life well in the meantime... figuring out how to have joy in our days, while still staying connected to the reality of what we're facing. It's a delicate balance, and one that is constantly shifting. There are mornings where I can wake up and feel great, go for a walk with Spencer, make a nice breakfast before church, and then fall apart at the words of a seemingly upbeat worship song in church.

That's what happened yesterday. I was really looking forward to going to church, but for some reason, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord," one of my favorite songs we sing, just brought me to hysterical tears. I managed to hold it together through "Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name. I fell apart at "You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.

I realized that I have been having a hard time that the Lord would give us a son, only to take him away soon thereafter. I often don't understand why God would do that, when the desire to have children is an honorable and holy one.

And so this is our "new normal." Allowing those moments to happen, but knowing that God is near to us in the midst of them. Allowing ourselves to find joy in the midst of heartache, and being glad to rest there even for just a little bit. Figuring out how to do life well in the meantime.

Thank you for continuing to pray with us and for us, and for your continued encouragement.

12 comments:

Alison said...

We sang, "Blessed Be Your Name" in worship last Sunday and as always, I have to choke back the tears when I sing, "You give and take away..." since our miscarriage in February. Those words are so powerful.

I hope you're able to adjust to your new normal and that you find a way to enjoy your "now" moments while preparing yourself for your future. And, as always, we are still praying for a miracle for precious Isaac.

~Alison (from the Nest)

Lindsey said...

Stacy,
Since my m/c in May, I also have struggled with the line "You give and take away." I find myself asking why do You, Lord, have to take precious babies away? I understand that my grandmother who has lived a long and wonderful life will go to be with You, but why my baby who I didn't even get to know? It's so tough. I pray for you each day. I pray that little Isaac will be healed, because God can do that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us - you are truly inspiring.
Lindsey (from the Nest)

whippetmom said...

That song is one of our regulars too- but was especially poignant after a friend was killed (from the same church)- we sang it that first Sunday after his death and it was so overwhelming..I can't imagine how hard it is for you to hear while you're struggling with all the emotions of little Isaac. You guys are always in our prayers and I just wanted to tell you how much I love reading your letters to him. He is so loved :)

-Liz (a lurker) :)

Stephanie said...

I hope that adjusting to your new normal does allow you to have those moments of joy and the times when things are ok.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Mande said...

I found your blog through a friend and have been so blessed. I must tell you that your story and your faith are amazing. The way you lean into God and your unwaivering love of our Father is inspiring. Your heart is so pure and honest and you have set a fire under my faith! Your precious Isaac has already done what so many of us are never able to do...Reach out and touch people through God and be a true Fisher of Men. I will keep your family close to my heart and always in my prayers.

Devon Rene said...

That song gets me every single time. You don't realize how true it is until you are really walking in that valley and God has truly taken away.

I check your blog often. Would you mind if I linked it to mine? You are such an inspiration!

Cassie said...

Hi there,
I found your blog in the most round about way, but have been inspired by your strength and outlook. My best to you and your family always.

Lauren said...

Friend... when you have a chance let me know where I can find Isaac on the Children's National Medical Center website. We, of course, want to see his story and like keeping track of all that he is doing. :)

Love- Lauren

PS - package is ready to be mailed. I somehow managed to get it ready in the midst of craziness. YEA!

Sam, Erin & Ava said...

Hi Stacy,
I came across your blog when our daughter whom I am pregnant with was diagnosed with an omphalocele. We were not sure what the outcome would be and reading about your faith was an encouragement to me and my faith. We are praying for you and your precious family.

Cynthia (from the Nest) said...

I believe in God and my faith has gotten me through some tough times but you truly are an inspiration to me. I pray that you get the miracle that you and your husband so deserve.

MidWestWife said...

I stumbled across your blog after reading some post on the nest... I am amazed and blown away by your courage, strength, and honesty. I can't even begin to imagine the struggle your heart is going through. My husband and I have lost two pregnancies (ectopics) and I have been so hurt, broken, and even angry at God....

I stand in awe of your ability to continue to praise Him. Your blog has helped me to realize so much... I will be down on my knees daily for you, your husband, and your beautiful baby boy, Isaac.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

I also found your blog in a roundabout way. I know finding "a new normal" is hard and very trying. After my son was diagnosed with a heart defect at 18 weeks in utero, and we were asked if we wanted to terminate our pregnancy I had many questions to ask God. We choose to carry our son until he was born and to give him every chance possible. My husband and I never regretted those precious few moments we had with our son. We took so many pictures and cherished every second he was here. I'll pray for you and your family as you move forward on this journey.