Carly Update #4: Introducing....

Carly delivered her precious baby boy, Finn Robert. I heard briefly from her sister in law this morning, so I don't know much other than she delivered and is resting. Finn weighed in at 3.5 lbs. and Carly had to have a repeat c-section.

Please keep them all in your prayers, especially baby Finn during the first early, critical days.

I will update when I know more!

Carly Update #3

I received a text from Carly this evening that she was readmitted to the hospital. Her blood pressure is on the rise again, and her labs from yesterday weren't so great. At this point, they're not sure what's going to happen. The last time I talked to her, she told me that if her preeclampsia became severe again after she hit 32 weeks (which she already is), then they'd deliver. So, I don't know if that's the plan, nor do I know just how bad her bp and labs were. What I do know is that it must be incredibly scary to be walking through the same circumstances as they did with Will, only a few weeks farther along... hoping that this time they'll get to bring their baby boy home.

Please continue to pray... for wisdom for the doctors, for peace for Carly and her husband, and for protection over their precious baby boy. I will update when I know more.

I Like To Move It, Move It

Whether this song reminds you of the movie Madagascar, or, if you're like me, days from your middle school years, one thing is for sure: it should officially be baby girl's theme song.

She is a serious wiggler!!

What has been really neat for me as a second time mom is to see how different she is, even now, from Isaac. If you've been reading a while, you know that Isaac loved Zazz... he just responded to it. There's no sugar in it, so I can't quite figure out what it was about it that he liked so much. But without fail, I would drink a Zazz, and he would wiggle.

Several people have asked if baby sister likes Zazz as much as Isaac. Nope! Not at all. She seems to respond best to sugar! Whether it's hot chocolate, lemonade, or peanut M&M's (but really, who doesn't love those?!), it doesn't matter. She seems to love it... a girl after my own heart!

One of my fears with this pregnancy has surrounded how I would be able to still love Isaac and be an ambassador of his legacy while fully loving this new little girl. As several moms of 2 or 3 kids have shared, each child is different... you love each of them completely, yet differently. Even now, I am beginning to see how that works, and God has been gracious in just guiding me through that.

Quick Carly update... she went in for screening yesterday and all was well. She is back home for now, and is hopeful of making it to 33 weeks on Tuesday! Praise God for his protection over their baby boy.

A "Boring" Update

Thank you all so much for committing to pray for our baby girl, and for us as we navigate this new part of our journey. Your response to our big announcement was overwhelming... in a good way!

Thankfully, my appointment on Monday was boring... incredibly boring! All the usuals... weight, blood pressure, and listening to baby sister's heartbeat on the doppler (which sounded great in the mid 150's!) Dr. D (one of the docs who delivered Isaac) measured my tummy and everything is right on track.

We discussed the H1N1 vaccine, which truthfully, I have lost some sleep over. With working in a school, germs are everywhere... and several of my students have been out with confirmed cases of H1N1. My doctor's office doesn't yet have the vaccinations, doesn't know when they'll be getting them, and they don't know whether or not they will be mercury free. Please pray for me for wisdom as to whether or not to get this vaccine, and for peace of mind. the whole thing just has me a bit on edge.

I had the chance to see Carly and our friend Susi (another baby loss mom from our support group is also pregnant again) last night for dinner. Carly goes in again today (around now, actually) for more bloodwork, a fetal non-stress test, and some labwork. Please continue to pray for her that things hold steady with their little guy!

Carly Update #2

Thank you so much for praying for Carly... she was released from the hospital a few nights ago, and when I heard from her last, things are as good as could be expected.

While she is still exhibiting signs of preeclampsia, they have regressed a little, and they are not yet severe. She is going to the doctor every other day for monitoring, and if any of her labs spike again, the doctors will need to deliver their baby boy.

Please continue to pray for God's protection over both Carly and their son, than He would cause her labs to remain stable so that baby boy can have a few more weeks safe inside his precious mommy, and that He would continue to provide both Carly and her husband with peace.

And if you'd like, swing by Carly's blog to read a more detailed update and to show her some love :)

The Post You All (may) Have Been Waiting For

I'll cut to the chase... Isaac is going to be a big brother!

Sorry for my goofy expression and head tilt... this was taken before 7am, and I am not quite awake :)

Anyhow... Baby SISTER (well, the sonographer was 90-95% sure!) is due March 25, 2010; however, with needing a repeat c-section, she will probably be delivered between 38-39 weeks.

In anticipation of some things you may (or may not) be wondering...

- I am 18 weeks pregnant (I know... I held out for a long time on this one...)

- So far, everything with baby girl looks great !!

- No, we don't yet have a name; but we're getting close. We have a middle name, and have narrowed her first name down to three or four choices. We'll let you know once we've decided, as we would love for you to pray for her by name.

- Yes, I am receiving additional monitoring. I have an open invitation at my OB's office to come for heartbeat checks, though now that I can feel her move, I don't really need them anymore. I am also being monitored by monthly ultrasounds.

-No, we are not doing any testing... no first trimester screen, no CVS, no amnio. Even normal numbers would come back higher than the odds of what happened with Isaac, and so numbers are pretty meaningless for us. Particularly with the ultrasounds looking so good at this point, we want to move forward in faith believing that things are okay, and if the time comes that they aren't, we will deal with it then. God has been good in really affirming this decision for us.

- Physically, I feel great. My body just "does" pregnancy well. I had some morning sickness early on (more like a seasick feeling) but it didn't last long at all. I am really lucky in that regard.

- Emotionally, being pregnant again is difficult. But the specifics of that will serve as another blog post... or several :) There is a lot I have been processing over the last few months.

For now, I'll just say that while I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier with each appointment that goes well, it has been difficult to feel blissfully excited about this pregnancy. It is so hard to balance feeling hopeful, with knowing that there's never a safe point in pregnancy. It's hard to balance joyful anticipation, with the ache of missing Isaac so much.

In some ways, I feel like I am grieving in a fresh way. This past Sunday, Spencer and I went out to breakfast before visiting the cemetery and going to church. As we were sitting there, in walked a family of four: mom, dad, big brother, and little sister. It hit me like a ton of bricks, that this baby girl will not know her big brother, other than what we share of him, on this side of heaven.

So while we are hopeful, and we are incredibly thankful for the tremendously good news so far, the missing is still there. The ache for my son is still there. We are just in a new place in this journey as we wait with hopeful anticipation for our baby girl, and at the same time, miss Isaac so much. God has been gracious in walking so closely with us through this, showing us day by day what it means to live out this delicate (and at times exhausting) balance.

That's about all I can think of for now. I wanted to share the news with you all, my faithful readers, encouragers, and warriors of prayer. Please specifically be in prayer for:

- My upcoming routine OB appointment on the 26th. Please pray that it is just boring and uneventful!

- My big 20 week ultrasound on November 5. Please pray that baby girl's development is still
right on track and that everything continues to look perfect.

If there's anything I missed that you may be wondering, please feel free to ask... but I reserve the right not to answer :)

Thank you for praying... and please continue praying for my friend Carly!

Update on Carly

Thank you for praying for Carly. I heard from her yesterday, and she was going to be admitted to the hospital yesterday evening. Many of her labs did not come back favorably, so she is going in for further monitoring. Her hope is that things sort of level off and that she can be discharged to home bed rest, and that baby boy is still several weeks away from making an appearance. I tried calling her today, but got her voicemail.

Please pray specifically:
1- That her blood pressure doesn't continue to rise, that her fluid levels don't continue to drop, and that her protein levels come back okay;
2- That God would protect their baby boy. Carly said that at her last scan, he was measuring just under 3 lbs;
3- That God would give wisdom to the doctors in how to handle all of this;
and
4- The Lord would just really surround Carly and her husband Mike with peace.

You can read more from Carly here. Please feel free to swing by her blog to give her some encouragement and let her know you are praying.

A Divine Encounter

When we had found out that Isaac was given a fatal prenatal diagnosis, a good friend of mine recommended that I take a look at Angie Smith's blog. I jumped in to her family's story shortly after their sweet daughter, Audrey, had been born and passed away. For those of you who may be new to reading, Angie's husband, Todd, sings in Selah, and I have mentioned on here several times what an encouragement Angie has been to me through reading her blog and corresponding with her over email. I felt like I connected with Angie in so many ways, and that she was able to put into words precisely what I have often thought or felt. I was so encouraged by Angie's authenticity, her desire to seek God in the face of unspeakable heartache... and I often thought to myself, "I wish I could just sit down with her over coffee and talk." Being that she's in Tennessee and I am in Maryland, the fact that we even connected over email was pretty awesome.

So, fast forward about a year later to this past spring. A sweet woman who reads my blog emailed me to tell me that Angie would be speaking at their church's women's retreat this fall. This woman's church isn't terribly far from us, nor was the location of the retreat. As the next several months passed, we continued to dialogue about this retreat, and this past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting this incredibly thoughtful and generous blog reader, as well as Angie herself.

I could only attend the retreat for the day yesterday, but after the morning session at which Angie spoke, she and I sat down for quite a while and talked... talked about Audrey, talked about Isaac as Angie poured over my pictures of him on my camera, talked about some of the hardest and most painful moments of losing a child that only two mothers who have walked that road would even think to discuss, talked about the emotions that come with losing a child, and talked about the Lord's faithfulness in how He has met each of us so personally in the midst of each of our journeys. Not that the journeys are over; there is no "over." But there was something that was just so refreshing about sitting down with someone who really wanted to hear about your child who is no longer with you, knowing that she really knows what it's like.

As if that hour and a half wasn't enough, I also got to eat lunch and dinner with Angie, as well as Todd and their sweet daughters Abby, Ellie, and Kate (sorry... no pictures!). It was such an incredible opportunity to get to know Angie in person, and to spend some time getting to know their girls and talking with Todd as well. They are the real deal, that's for sure.

That evening Todd did a concert featuring several songs of Selah's new album "You Deliver Me," including "I Will Carry You" which was written for their daughter Audrey, and that Spencer and I used as the song for Isaac's slideshow at his memorial service. It is an incredible album... one you seriously should go out and buy. I know you'll be blessed by it.

If you had asked be back then... in the late spring of 2008... if I ever thought I would be given the opportunity to actually talk with Angie in person, I would have laughed. I am just so thankful that I did, and that God used a complete stranger (who is thankfully no longer a stranger!) to help orchestrate such a divine encounter. And thankfully, Angie is also no longer a stranger :)

Giveaway Winner, and Prayers for Carly

Thank you so much for sharing your stories... I am honored that this is place where so many would feel comfortable sharing about their precious babies that are no longer here. And while I wish there wasn't a need to pray for one another about something like this, I am grateful that we can... that we have a Father who cares about our hurt and our loss, and that He is caring for the children our arms long to hold.


The winner of the necklace from My Forever Child is...


True Random Number Generator Result: 45 (from random.org)


Comment number 45 was Keisha, in memory of her precious babies Kyndall and Kaiden. Keisha, please e-mail me at coolteacher79@yahoo.com so that I can put you in touch with Sue at My Forever Child.


I would also like to ask you to pray for my friend Carly. Carly's son, Will, was born on January 17, 2008 at 26 weeks. Carly had an early onset of severe preeclampsia and needed to deliver. Will lived for 9 days in the NICU, and passed away on January 26, 2008. Carly is currently pregnant with Will's little brother, and thanks to the addition of several medications to her prenatal care, she has made it further in her pregnancy with this baby than she did with Will... she is currently 30 weeks pregnant. However, at a recent doctor's appointment, Carly learned that her blood pressure is on the rise, and her amniotic fluid levels are have dropped... signs that preeclampsia is beginning to rear its ugly head again.


I am fortunate to know Carly in real life, having met her at the monthly infant loss support group that we both attend. She has been a tremendous support to me in my own grief journey of losing Isaac, and so I would love it if you would join me in praying for her and her sweet baby boy. Please pray that her blood pressure does not continue rise, that her fluid levels do not continue to drop. Please also pray that her baby boy's development and growth aren't constricted by either of these things, and that she is able to make it to at least 32 weeks which is what her doctors are hoping. But we know that our great God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or ever imagine, and that Carly could make it much farther than 32 weeks.


Please pray for her... I know she would deeply appreciate it.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

First, thank you so much for all of your kind words on Isaac's birthday. Your words are such a gift. It was a difficult day for sure... harder than I had anticipated in some ways, but it was good to have a day with Spencer to really sit and reflect on Isaac and how he has deeply impacted each of our lives.

Many of you know that October 15th is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. While I am saddened that a day like this has a need to exist, I am glad that it does... as remembering our babies can bring so much healing and hope.

I was doing a little research this weekend about this topic and here are some preliminary findings:

-According to emedicine, the overall miscarriage rate is 15-20%. Some physicians believe this percentage may even be higher, as miscarriage can often occur before a woman even knows she is pregnant.

- Approximately 25,000 babies are stillborn each year in the United States, and according to the March of Dimes, about 19,000 babies die within the first month of life (called neonatal death).

- SIDS claims the lives of over 7000 babies each year nationally.

All of this is simply to say that many, many people are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. And if you are one of those people I want you to know this: your child matters.

So, I would like to do a few things this October 15th.

First, I would like to pray for you. If you are comfortable, please feel free to share as much of or as little of your story in a comment below. And I would like to invite those of you reading to pray for the people who have courageously shared their stories.

Secondly, Sue Mosquera from My Forever Child has generously offered to allow me to hold a giveaway in honor of October 15th. If you aren't familiar with Sue's work, she creates beautiful remembrance jewelry. She has graciously offered to giveaway a Baby Footprints Heart Necklace. By leaving a comment sharing your story, you are automatically entered in the giveaway. Entries for the giveaway will close at 10pm EST on Thursday, October 15th... but you are certainly welcome to continue to leave comments sharing your stories. The winner will be randomly selected and announced by 12 noon EST on Friday, October 16th. Be sure to check out My Forever Child at http://www.myforeverchild.com/ and www.facebook.com/myforeverchild.
Lastly, as the http://www.october15th.com/ site has announced, you are invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in your time zone to create a wave of light in remembrance of the child/children that you have lost, or in honor of someone else who has lost a child thought miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death.

So, I will start...

My name is Stacy. In the fall of 2007, we lost baby #1 to a miscarriage due to triploidy discovered at 13 weeks. On October 7, 2008, we met our precious son Isaac at 8:33 am. He passed away due to complications from a series of congenital birth defects 16 minutes later. He is deeply, deeply missed.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Isaac!

While today doesn't necessarily feel happy for us, I know for Isaac it is... for He is safe and secure in the presence of God himself. And for that, I am grateful.

One year ago today, my life was profoundly changed by the most beautiful little boy I have ever laid eyes on. I remember when the nurse brought Isaac over to us after he was born and told us he was alive, the tears came streaming down my face. I couldn't believe he was ours. I wanted so badly to be able to tell him, while he was living, how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I wanted him to feel what it was like for his mommy and daddy to kiss him, to hug him, to snuggle him, and to hold his little hand. I wanted him to fully experience the love his parents... and I know that he did. I am so thankful... I just wish it could have lasted longer.

While talking about our time with Isaac that day has come fairly easily (though not without tears), something I haven't been able to talk much about is later that night when we had to say goodbye... to have the joy of meeting your child juxtaposed with the anguish of having to then say goodbye. This is the part that I am not sure many people think about, particularly if you haven't lost a child yourself. People have mentioned to us how hard it must have been to leave the hospital carrying a picture of Isaac rather than Isaac himself, or how difficult it was to plan and attend your child's funeral. But neither of those moments come close to the pain of handing your son to a nurse you've never met, knowing you'll never see him again on this side of heaven. I am not sure I could ever adequately put into words the way that emotional pain transcends into physical pain at that very moment, the level of emptiness that a parent feels inside, or the sobs that echo through the very core of your being. Nothing about it is right. It is all terribly, terribly wrong, and unfortunately part of the fallen world in which we live. But thankfully, there is a Redeemer who meets us in the midst of life's most painful moments such as these and provides His comfort.

Today Spencer and I will spend time doing several things that we did while I was pregnant with Isaac... a hike at Sugarloaf Mountain and a picnic in a park. Of course we will spend a while at the cemetery, and will send up letters to Isaac carried by blue helium-filled balloons. But I think it goes without saying that these are all just consolations... because I would much rather be putting the finishing touches on a party for this coming weekend... and I would rather see Isaac demolish his first cupcake while attempting to eat it. Gosh I miss him. I know that he is in the most perfect place, but I am still his mom, I am still human, and there's a large part of me that would rather him still be here. Not because I think I can care for him better than God himself... as Spencer reminded me, I can't. But because I love him and I miss him.

Thank you for upholding us in prayer today. Thank you for remembering our sweet little strawberry-blonde haired Isaac with us.

Dear Isaac,

On this day, one year ago, you were born. It was the most glorious day of my life...knowing you has changed me.

I remember when we got to the hospital in the morning, there was already a little gift there for you... a little stuffed lamb... from Taylor and Lenny. We got settled in what would be our room for the day, and nurse Kathy got mommy all hooked up to a bunch of machines and things. One of those machines let us hear your heartbeat. When Mom-Mom, Grandpa Jim, Aunt Kate and Uncle Tim, Pop Pop and Grandma Mia, Grammy and Grandpa Jack all came back to see us before you were born, they could hear your heart beating, too.

Some doctors came in to take one last look at you on the ultrasound machine so that they could figure out the best way to get you out of my tummy safely. It was neat to see you in there one last time.

Pastor Guy and Pastor Rob came back and prayed with us and they prayed for you... knowing that it's never too late for God to perform a miracle and to heal your sweet little body. Then, we went to the operating room where you would be born.

You were born at 8:33am; and while God didn't heal your body like we prayed He would, I know I met a miracle that day-- you. You are the most beautiful baby I have ever seen... your fuzzy hair, your perfect little nose, and cute lips just like daddy's. Daddy and I are so thankful that we got to meet you while you were still alive so that you could feel us hug you and kiss your little face, and so you could clearly hear us tell you how much we love you and how proud we are of you. We do... and we are.

After you were born, nurse Kathy helped us give you a bath an put on the blue little outfit we got for you. Then, you got to meet everyone!! Your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and some of mommy and daddy's closest friends who also love you very much. We're so glad that they all got to meet you and hold you. You are just precious.

Isaac, do you know that you have changed the world? That your life has impacted many, many people for Jesus? Do you know that there are people who didn't want to go to church who are now going back because of hearing about your life? That over one hundred people played in your golf tournament? That there are people who spend more time with their family, who hug their children a little bit tighter because of you? I am so proud to be your mommy... and I am so thankful that God has chosen to use you in a mighty way.

We miss you so much. We wish that you were here, just learning to walk, babbling out sounds like "dadada" and "mamama", and devouring your first taste of cake. Mommy and daddy know, though, that you are perfectly cared for in heaven... that you are healthy and whole, and that you have everything you need. We are thankful for that; but we still miss you. Deeply.

I love you, Isaac. I am so proud of you. Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy

Isaac's Slideshow

We will love you forever, sweet Isaac.

A Few Thoughts

Nothing major to report here. Just been hard to not think about "this time last year..." when it seems to be the place my mind naturally wanders. I am really hoping and praying for good weather on Wednesday, as several of the things Spencer and I have planned are outside. While the rain would certainly match my mood, I would rather there be sunshine.

I wanted to take some time to post some passages from scripture, song lyrics, and the like that have just encouraged me... particularly over the past few days.

Romans 8:31-39-- What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long;we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Hebrews 10:19-23-- Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

And, if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I love the lyrics to songs by Mark Schultz... and the melodies. He has a new album that came out this year, and I heard the song "He Is" for the first time while driving home from visiting family this past weekend.

Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know you're near me
Father let the world just fade away
Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing

HE IS
HE WAS
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
HE LIVES
HE LOVES
HE'S ALWAYS WITH ME
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE
THERE IS NO ONE HOLDING ME

BE STILL MY SOUL
HE IS

Father let your holy spirit sing
Let it calm the storms inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say

HE IS
HE WAS
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
HE LIVES
HE LOVES
HE'S ALWAYS WITH ME
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE
THERE IS NO ONE HOLDING ME

BE STILL MY SOUL

Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road
I'm not alone
No Matter where I am

HE IS
HE WAS
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
HE LIVES
HE LOVES
HE ALWAYS WILL BE
EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE
THERE IS NO ONE HOLDING ME

BE STILL MY SOUL
BE STILL AND KNOW
BE STILL MY SOUL
HE IS

While I appreciate the well-intended encouragement to "embrace the change" that has occurred in my life over the last year and to "focus on the positives" so I can "stop suffering over the things I can't control," I just need to say that it doesn't work that way in this. On October 7, 2008 I didn't experience a change, I experienced the birth... and death... of my son. And while God has faithfully continued to show us how He is using Isaac's life for His glory, it doesn't erase the pain of not having Isaac here. As I have shared before, through this experience I have found a whole new appreciation for those who desire to glorify God in their brokenness... people who don't act as if they aren't hurting, haven't been completely rattled, or as if their lives haven't felt like they're falling apart. But rather, people who can authentically be who and where they are, and who can testify to God's goodness and faithfulness in the midst of life's fiercest storms. For a much more articulate version of this, see the lyrics to the song "Broken and Beautiful" written by none other than... Mark Schultz.

I am just so thankful for God's promises in His word, that He is faithful and true even when life is hard and when I am missing Isaac so much that it hurts.

UPDATE-- I just found this video today about the song "He Is" that I mentioned above. In this video, Mark Schultz explains the song's meaning and how he came to write it. Watch it... I know you'll be encouraged and blessed.