Happy Birthday, Sweet Isaac!

While today doesn't necessarily feel happy for us, I know for Isaac it is... for He is safe and secure in the presence of God himself. And for that, I am grateful.

One year ago today, my life was profoundly changed by the most beautiful little boy I have ever laid eyes on. I remember when the nurse brought Isaac over to us after he was born and told us he was alive, the tears came streaming down my face. I couldn't believe he was ours. I wanted so badly to be able to tell him, while he was living, how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I wanted him to feel what it was like for his mommy and daddy to kiss him, to hug him, to snuggle him, and to hold his little hand. I wanted him to fully experience the love his parents... and I know that he did. I am so thankful... I just wish it could have lasted longer.

While talking about our time with Isaac that day has come fairly easily (though not without tears), something I haven't been able to talk much about is later that night when we had to say goodbye... to have the joy of meeting your child juxtaposed with the anguish of having to then say goodbye. This is the part that I am not sure many people think about, particularly if you haven't lost a child yourself. People have mentioned to us how hard it must have been to leave the hospital carrying a picture of Isaac rather than Isaac himself, or how difficult it was to plan and attend your child's funeral. But neither of those moments come close to the pain of handing your son to a nurse you've never met, knowing you'll never see him again on this side of heaven. I am not sure I could ever adequately put into words the way that emotional pain transcends into physical pain at that very moment, the level of emptiness that a parent feels inside, or the sobs that echo through the very core of your being. Nothing about it is right. It is all terribly, terribly wrong, and unfortunately part of the fallen world in which we live. But thankfully, there is a Redeemer who meets us in the midst of life's most painful moments such as these and provides His comfort.

Today Spencer and I will spend time doing several things that we did while I was pregnant with Isaac... a hike at Sugarloaf Mountain and a picnic in a park. Of course we will spend a while at the cemetery, and will send up letters to Isaac carried by blue helium-filled balloons. But I think it goes without saying that these are all just consolations... because I would much rather be putting the finishing touches on a party for this coming weekend... and I would rather see Isaac demolish his first cupcake while attempting to eat it. Gosh I miss him. I know that he is in the most perfect place, but I am still his mom, I am still human, and there's a large part of me that would rather him still be here. Not because I think I can care for him better than God himself... as Spencer reminded me, I can't. But because I love him and I miss him.

Thank you for upholding us in prayer today. Thank you for remembering our sweet little strawberry-blonde haired Isaac with us.

Dear Isaac,

On this day, one year ago, you were born. It was the most glorious day of my life...knowing you has changed me.

I remember when we got to the hospital in the morning, there was already a little gift there for you... a little stuffed lamb... from Taylor and Lenny. We got settled in what would be our room for the day, and nurse Kathy got mommy all hooked up to a bunch of machines and things. One of those machines let us hear your heartbeat. When Mom-Mom, Grandpa Jim, Aunt Kate and Uncle Tim, Pop Pop and Grandma Mia, Grammy and Grandpa Jack all came back to see us before you were born, they could hear your heart beating, too.

Some doctors came in to take one last look at you on the ultrasound machine so that they could figure out the best way to get you out of my tummy safely. It was neat to see you in there one last time.

Pastor Guy and Pastor Rob came back and prayed with us and they prayed for you... knowing that it's never too late for God to perform a miracle and to heal your sweet little body. Then, we went to the operating room where you would be born.

You were born at 8:33am; and while God didn't heal your body like we prayed He would, I know I met a miracle that day-- you. You are the most beautiful baby I have ever seen... your fuzzy hair, your perfect little nose, and cute lips just like daddy's. Daddy and I are so thankful that we got to meet you while you were still alive so that you could feel us hug you and kiss your little face, and so you could clearly hear us tell you how much we love you and how proud we are of you. We do... and we are.

After you were born, nurse Kathy helped us give you a bath an put on the blue little outfit we got for you. Then, you got to meet everyone!! Your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and some of mommy and daddy's closest friends who also love you very much. We're so glad that they all got to meet you and hold you. You are just precious.

Isaac, do you know that you have changed the world? That your life has impacted many, many people for Jesus? Do you know that there are people who didn't want to go to church who are now going back because of hearing about your life? That over one hundred people played in your golf tournament? That there are people who spend more time with their family, who hug their children a little bit tighter because of you? I am so proud to be your mommy... and I am so thankful that God has chosen to use you in a mighty way.

We miss you so much. We wish that you were here, just learning to walk, babbling out sounds like "dadada" and "mamama", and devouring your first taste of cake. Mommy and daddy know, though, that you are perfectly cared for in heaven... that you are healthy and whole, and that you have everything you need. We are thankful for that; but we still miss you. Deeply.

I love you, Isaac. I am so proud of you. Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy

Isaac's Slideshow

We will love you forever, sweet Isaac.