Romans 12:12

I came across this verse as I was spending some time reading and praying before our appointment this morning... Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. I know that Spencer and I have been praying relentlessly about this pregnancy, pleading with God for wisdom, strength, and for His mercy on behalf of our baby. But joyful in hope? I wish it weren't true, but my hope is starting to wane.

This morning we had to wait forever for my "regular" (as if "regualr" describes anything about this experience) prental appointment. Several glowing, young, pregnant girls graced the waiting room while we waited. About 40 minutes later we were finally called, and they took us back and weight me. I had actually lost about half a pound from four weeks ago... I thought for sure that meant that our baby had stopped growing and was no longer alive.

I was wrong. The nurse found our little guy's heartbeat in just a few minutes on the doppler... a whopping 166 beats per minute.

I was hoping that this would have given both Spencer and I some feeling of relief, but truthfully it didn't. There wasn't much information to glean from this appointment, but my doctor was able to answer many of my questions. She said that she is most suspicious of a rare genetic syndrome which wouldn't have been picked up by the CVS test, since that tests chromosomes and not the specific genes. She also mentioned that fetal hydrops (when the cyst-like structure on the baby's neck basically spreads and impedes the functioning of many of the baby's organs, including the heart, usually resulting in fetal heart failure and death) is still a definite possibility. She also reiterated that the viability of the pregnancy is low (in that 10-15% range) and that should the baby be born, it's difficult to say what sort of functioning he would have. She did, however, seem to speak more to the baby's birth (both at term and pre-term) more than anything else and some of the care and management that would accompany that. The other thing she mentioned that caught me off guard was that she said at this point should we lose the baby, I would have to be induced and deliver at the hopsital. A few days ago I thought I was about two months away from that, learned a few days ago that many doctors start choosing to induce labor at around nineteen weeks or so... I had no idea that at fifteen weeks that would be the route that would need to be taken. I'm having a hard time swallowing that.

In addition to our sonogram coming up on May 20, she also referred us to Children's Hospital for a fetal echocardiogram. That should give the doctor there the chance to get a really good luck at the baby's heart, as fetal cardiac development is also of great concern right now.

So we're left with more waiting. And I don't know what it is we're waiting for. At times I become restless, though overall feel as though I have done well with being patient through this. I know that I have been faithful in praying diligently about all aspects of these circumstances. But I am not sure how to remain joyful in hope. We weren't given any good news today, other than his heart is still beating. Medicine is telling us that there really isn't a favorable outcome any way this situation were to work itself out. The only thing, then, I know to be joyful in hope about is the chance of a miracle.

God is in the habit of doing that. He can, if he chooses to do so. Would you pray with us that God, in His mercy and grace, would prove medicine wrong, and would heal our little boy, so that His glory and His honor would shine through it what seems like a dark situation? And in the meantime, would you pray that Spencer and I would remain joyful in hope?