Thursday, August 14, 2008

Contradictions

I was talking with someone yesterday about our journey with Isaac, and in doing so, expressed my frustration with so many contradictions we have encountered in this journey... the contradiction of who we know God to be and the reality of what's happening, the contradiction of growing a life inside of you while preparing for loss and yet still trying to maintain some ounce of hope in what God could still do.

Those contradictions became a reality for us on Monday. We visited the folks at the funeral home and cemetery in order to have an idea of what we would need to do to prepare for our loss of Isaac should God not choose to intervene and instead call him home. I can honestly say it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. The whole time we were there I just felt so... guilty... as if the conversations we were having I didn't want Isaac to overhear. The whole time he was moving around like crazy, and all I could keep thinking was, "How could this be happening? Is this really real?"

We found out that the cemetery has a special place for babies and young children. It's not in the ideal location of the cemetery, but this particular cemetery is closest to our house, and that is important to Spencer and I. The folks at the funeral home were also incredibly helpful. None of those consolations could erase, though, the depth of the sadness that it brought both Spencer and I to be preparing for the arrival of our son in this way. Instead of cribs and carseats, we're looking at caskets. And instead of painting a nursery, we're choosing a burial plot. Since when did welcoming a new life mean preparing for his passing? I don't think I fully realized the depth of this contradiction until Monday.

We would greatly appreciate your prayers as we continue to make some decisions with regard to these arrangements. We also have another ultrasound tomorrow and would treasure your prayers for that as well... that we would enjoy our time getting to "see" Isaac and "be" with him. Most of all, with the school year about ready to start, which of course means added business and stress, would you please pray that God would continue to just carry us through this, that He would guard our hearts with His perfect peace, that He would continue to strengthen us to love Isaac deeply for the time we have with him, and that He would continue to teach us what it means to rely on His grace for each moment? Thank you for continuing to walk this road with us.

22 comments:

Whitney said...

I have been following your story for quite some time. I first "met" you on the Pregnancy Loss board on The Nest. You are so strong in Christ! I am amazed by you. Praying for God's continuing perfect peace. He will not be surprised by whatever happens- He already knows. He can see your future. And we know that He has a big plan for your life.

Jen said...

I am often baffled by the contradictions that go on in life...you, Spencer and Issac are in my thoughts and prayers.

hennhouse said...

Praying.

Taylor said...

I am praying for you daily. E-mail me if you need anything. My heart hurts for you.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray for you all. (((HUGS)))

nestie becoming_untied

Monica said...

Always here for you, Stacy. Much love comin' at you from Ohio.

Lauren said...

Stacy,

I am new to your blog, but I just finished reading it all and praying as I went. My heart aches for you, Spencer and Isaac, but I believe that God is big and I know that He is always there for you.

Your little boy is such a wonderful blessing. I cannot imagine.

I'll be checking back often and praying everyday.

In Christ,
Lauren

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

There is nothing more heartbreaking than picking out a casket and making funeral arrangements for your child. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You are not alone. My prayers are with you and your family.

Dr. Erin and Mr. Heath said...

I've been reading for awhile, and I've decided to come out of hiding. My heart is absolutely broken for you. I can't imagine the internal struggle that you and Spencer are experiencing. Your family is in my prayers.
And, I love the beach pictures. The picture of Isaac's name written in the sand is beautiful.
praying,
Erin

The Osborne Family said...

I too have been reading your blog for a while now. I have and will continue to pray for Isaac by name. I am so moved by your amazing strength and faith. I admire you so much for choosing life for your precious baby. My heart is broken for you as you and your hubby are going through such difficult circumstances. I am STILL praying for a complete miracle for Isaac.

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

I remember having to do the same things for our son Will,when I was hugely pregnant. We knew from when I was 12 weeks pregnant that he had a genetic condition rendering him 'incompatible with life', but chose to carry him to term anyway, and had 15 precious minutes with him after he was born. It is so hard to be choosing burial plots and coffins, when all you want to do is buy clothes, car seats and cuddly toys. I have been following your blog for a while now, and am remembering you daily in prayer. With my love to you all. X

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

PS I meant to say, I loved that CS Lewis quote in your last post about not knowing how much you really believe anything until everything's hanging in the balance! I've printed it out and I'm going to frame it and put it on my wall! It really meant a lot to me - as I said in my previous comment, I carried our son Will to term in spite of a lethal diagnosis. I'd always thought that I would never terminate a pregnancy, so in a way, it was nice - when I found myself in a position where to many people, it would have been an acceptable thing to do - to realise that I really did mean what I'd said in the past! Thanks for the quote. X

Sheila said...

Stacy - so sorry you and Spencer have to make those arrangements. Its seems so surreal to be doing & you think "is this really my life?". I still am praying for a miracle for Isaac as well.

I cautiously write this so as not to upset you but when we lost our son at 19 weeks we chose to bury him with my dad since he passed away long before any of his grandchildren were born. That was very comforting to us. Just a thought that if God chooses to bring Isaac to him, if you have lost any close loved ones that you would like to hold Isaac with them, maybe that's an option as well.

Sheila

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry, how my heart just breaks as I read your words. May you find refuge in the shadow of the wings of almighty God.
I am praying for healing!

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings..."

May you feel God's covering over you and your precious baby.
You are RADIANT with the love of Jesus. So beautiful and glowing.

Tina said...

I too came across your story on The Nest and I just want to say that you and your husband are in my prayers each and every night as is Issac. I pray for a miracle. Your strenght inspires me.

Devon Rene said...

oh sweetie...i am so sorry. i can only imagine what it must be like to walk around that funeral home with your little boy kicking away inside.

my children were already gone by the time we walked through the dreaded mortuary.

its a walk NO parent should ever have to make. and yet they do. every day.

praying for you. may god grant you the strength to get through each day.

may he grant you a miracle!

Jeff & Leza said...

I've never met you but I've been following your journey since hearing of Taylor's story. I carry your story in my heart with my struggles to conceive. It doesnt seem fair that once you actually get pregnant you have to face these kinds of "contradictions".I have no words to make you feel better or erase your pain. If there were those words I would say each of them to you over and over. I am keeping you in my prayers for your ultrasound tomorrow, your new work stress and praying that God does intervene even if only a little while. I pray that little Isaac can experience his mommy and daddy for as long as God has planned. God Bless!

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you, Spencer and little Isaac. I am sure that was a horrific meeting for you the other day and I am so so sorry that you had to go through it. I will pray for you all and i hope that you are able to enjoy your ultrasound time with Isaac today.

Aunt Robin said...

I continue to pray for the three of you. I am so so sorry for the pain that you must have experienced at that meeting. Please enjoy your ultrasound time with Isaac today. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know, I went through a similar situation where my baby died unexpectedly from premature birth at 33 weeks. She is buried in the infant section of a cemetery and I actually love it b/c I consider the other babies around her angel friends. SO sorry you all are going trhough this. It must be terribly painful. Praying for you!

Lindsey said...

My words can offer no solace to you and Spencer. But, I hope that my prayers will help, even if a little bit. Please know that you are being prayed for each and every day, by a stranger, who has already learned so much from your journey.

Melissa said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now and it brings back so many memories of losing my sons. Picking out the casket, the flowers, the reading, the food, the plot...it just is all so surreal. It is something that we should never have to do as parents. My sons are buried in the infant section of the cemetery. When I visit, I talk to them and the other children. I like to believe they are all playing together and watching out for each other. I know my sons will welcome and love your Issac, if the Lord decides to take him home with him.