The Fourth, part 2

If you've been keeping up with this blog for a while, you may remember a post entitled "The Fourth." That post was all about a long conversation I had with one of the doctors in my OB's practice where he was explaining all the reasons why women terminate their pregnancies. When I asked him how many women he had seen NOT terminate a pregnancy when given a poor prenatal diagnosis, he told me three. And I resolved to be the fourth.

Last Wednesday, we had an appointment and the OB I typically see wasn't in. So, we saw him instead. My "regular" prenatal appointments are typically uneventful... just taking my weight, blood pressure, listening to Isaac's heartbeat, and discussing my questions. Isaac's heart was beating strong in the 150's!

At this partiular appointment, I didn't have a lot of questions. Most of the ones that can be answered at this point, have been. We discussed the findings from my most recent ultrasound, in particular the short umbilical cord. I also asked how all of the doctors were going to be made aware of the details of my delivery should I go into labor before the date of my c-section. This is where things turned interesting.

While discussing how to handle this, the doctor wouldn't drop the fact that, "most pregnancies like this wouldn't have gotten this far" and how "the first thing the doctor on call is going to wonder is, 'How is she still pregnant?'" Truthfully, if that's the first thing they're wondering rather than how to get the right medical staff at the right place at the right time so that my delievery is safe and Isaac is well card for, then I am beginning to wonder. Let's just say that :)

Anyhow, he talked about how most women would have already terminated the pregnancy as soon as they found out about the cystic hygroma or the omphalocele(which, I already knew from our previous discussion). He then asked me point blank why we didn't. And I froze. I was caught so off guard and to be honest was a little intimidated by his strong mindset. I didn't give the answer I wanted to... I wanted to tell him about my faith and about how it's God's decision and not ours. Instead, I told him that we simply don't believe that's a viable option unless my health was in serious jeopardy.

He discussed, anonymously of course, other patients he's seen who are alcohol and drug abusers and how he wishes those patients wouln't continue their pregnancies because of the horrible situation in which those children will then be raised. I did press the choice of adoption, and he simply wrote it off by saying that "these women would never give up their babies." There was one consolation in the conversation and that was this: he said that he's talked to many pregnant women who have said, in theory, that they would make this same choice that we've made, but when push comes to shove, they don't. He said that he noticed that we are actually doing what we said we would do. I was glad that he at least noticed that our conviction isn't empty.

In the end, I just felt incredibly persecuted by this doctor... like I was being belittled for my choice and receiving an "I told you so." No one likes an "I told you so," and it is excruciating in this particular context.

I thought a while about what made his reaction so difficult for me, and I think it's this: the outcome could be different. God could, and maybe still might, choose to intervene and make Isaac healthy and whole on this side of heaven. And I can't help but wrestle with the fact there are people, like this doctor, who would be witness to God's work and couldn't help but think more about Him and who He is. Yet right now, I feel like the answer is no.

And so it's tempting to ask the "why" question... Why are You letting this happen? Why are you not choosing to intervene, when all of these people watching would bear witness to it? Why did You choose us to be the ones to bear this cross?

I try not to go there too often, because I may never know.

I've mentioned before that I've found a lot of comfort and strength in corresponding with Angie Smith (whose husband, Todd, sings in Selah) and in reading her blog. Angie and Todd found out when Angie was 20 weeks pregnant that their daughter, Audrey, had several medical conditions that were fetal. She was born in early April, and passed away a few hours after birth.

Recently, Angie wrote this in her blog:

And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why. I know that God will use this for good, regardless of who may have intended it for evil.

This just spoke to my heart, mostly because of that word willfully. In a situation like this, you can't help but ask why. And I believe that a certain level of that is healthy, because we need to be able to wrestle that out with God. He can take it. But, there's a point where there has to be a conscious, willfull decision to let God be who He is, and to simply trust in His decisions even if we never know why.

So as we continue to press on, we thank you for continuing to walk with us and pray for us. Would you please pray for this doctor, that he would not be so desensitized that he sees these babies as so disposeable? Would you please pray that God would convict his heart of the fact that when he is talking about a fetus, what he is really talking about is a person... designed and created by God?

Thank you for continuing to pray for a miracle for Isaac, for our strength as we go back to work and deal with the added stress of middle school students, and for our hearts as we wrestle out our questions with God, but learn what it means to be willfully unconcerned with why as we seek to just trust in Him.