Friday, January 16, 2009

Broken, Not Foresaken

So Spencer and I are going to the Chris Tomlin concert next Saturday in Baltimore. I am familiar with a lot of his older songs, and just recently have started listening to his "Hello Love" CD. I figured that would be a good idea since it is, after all, the Hello Love tour.

I am guessing you know by now that I have a thing for words, song lyrics included. I was listening to the Hello Love CD on my way to work this morning and for the first time heard the song "You Lifted Me Out." Honestly, my mind was in other places, like trying to remember all of the ingredients for this great baked brie dish that I wanted to make for small group tonight, and the music was just sort of droning on in the background... until I hear this:

Lost is where you found me
Shattered and frail
But You love me still
Trouble may surround me
My heart may fail
But You never will
You never will

Okay. Rewind.

As I listened again, I was just so struck; as you can imagine, it was another one of those moments where something just speaks deeply to your heart. It's just so how I feel right now... and the promise that God will find us in the midst of our brokenness, and that He will never fail... what a promise. What hope.

The Psalms are full of promises like this...

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
~ Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
~ Psalm 147:3

God meets us in our brokenness; and slowly, He is showing me that even though our prayers for a miracle for Isaac weren't answered in the way we had hoped, He still meets us. He loves us. He carries us. He will never fail.

I recently stumbled across the blog of Molly Piper, daughter-in-law of the highly-esteemed author, John Piper. You may know him for having penned Desiring God. Molly and Abraham lost their daughter, Felicity, in 2007. She was stillborn at 39 weeks due to what they believe was a cord accident. In his blog (found here), John Piper writes this:

This seems so preventable. By God and by man. Yes. So easy. But neither man nor God prevented this. Man, because he did not know it was happening. God, because he has his wise and loving reasons that we wait to learn with tears and trust.

Though I don't believe, at least according to the numerous reports we have received from doctors, that Isaac's condition was preventable by man, I do believe that it was preventable by God, because He is sovereign. And like Piper said, we know that God is wise and loving. He won't fail. And so we do wait to learn those reasons... the answers to all the "why" questions.. through many, many tears, and with trust.

As I continue on the journey of grief and in dealing with some anger with God, I am learning a whole new level of what it means to trust Him. I am learning that in the past I have been such a Thomas... needing to see to really believe. Seeing God working... and then I will trust Him. Now, I am learning that deep, true trust means what Jeremy Camp has written in one of his songs, "Even when I don't see, I still believe." Believing that God is who He says He is, regardless of my circumstances.

Oh, the growing pains with this lesson. The countless times I have surrendered my need to know over to God, only to snatch it right back. It is nothing other then my frailty and brokenness over my son that causes me to do that. But God is ever-patient, never-failing... his love and grace unconditionally meeting me right where I am.

So this post is a bit all over the place, but I felt compelled to share what has been on my mind and in my heart. First, so that you can continue to pray for us. And secondly, as an encouragement to other hurting moms out there whose sweet children have left this Earth far too soon... whose hearts are breaking and arms are aching. God will not fail you, even though it may feel like He has. He will meet you in your brokenness...

27 comments:

Meg said...

Stacy this is the first time that I've commented on your blog but I have been reading about you, Spencer and Isaac since the summer. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you are feeling right now. Unfortunately I know all to well the feelings of loss as I lost my third child, a son we named Ian, 7 years ago. Yesterday was his original due date and it was a very tough day. I just blogged about it. The pain never goes away. It's always there, though eventually you learn to live with it and you learn to smile again and find joy and peace. Through the grace of our amazing God we learn to live with that emptiness. Know that you are in my prayers and that you are not alone. There are so many families out there that are on the same grief journey that you are on. (((HUGS))) to you. If you ever want to talk, I'm around. You can contact me through my blog. Keep on keepin' on. Know that you are blessed and loved. The way I've learned to live with Ian's death is knowing that God chose him. I am the mother of a son who was so incredibly special that he learned everythign that he needed to learn about love and life without experiencing any pain or hurt. Ian knew only pure, unconditional love. The same is true about your sweet Isaac. We are the mommies of boys who were chosen by God. What an incredible legacy.

Praying for you,
Meg

C.C. and Double T said...

Can I just say? I hear some HOPE in your "voice!" I am praying for you as you continue to navigate this journey with God.

Have you ever read the book "Why" by Vernon Brewer? If not, I have an extra copy that I would love to send you. If you would like it, just email me your mailing address to: secretary_wbc@yahoo.com

Blessings,
C.C.

clkocher said...

You have such eloquent words Stacy. Continuing to pray that God meets you where you are and gives you hope and strength.

Shaina N said...

Stacy,
Wow. What an inspiration your words are to me! My husband and I lost our first pregnancy in December, and I'm dealing with anger towards God as well. I know that there was a reason behind this. I know that my sacrifice will help others (it already has helped some friends) but there are times when I just want to be selfish and scream "Why me? Why my pregnancy?" I deal with the issues of it being preventable by man as well. Shouldn't they KNOW everything that could go wrong in the first twelve weeks? Shouldn't there be a shot that could cure all ills? I was left without any answers as to "what went wrong" because I chose to have a natural miscarriage instead of a D&E, mainly because I knew that the natural way would be better for my body. But, because of this, they weren't able to do a pathology report, so I still don't know if something didn't form right, or if it was a chromosonal thing. I know how common it is to lose a pregnancy so early on, but I look at all my friends who have had perfect pregnancies (sometimes multiple times!) and I just feel lost.
My husband and I lost the baby at 8 weeks, but we didn't find out about it until our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. I would have been 17 weeks now, and it hurts my heart when one of my friends (who's 21 weeks pregnant) blogs about her baby moving. I even feel phantom movements sometimes, when I know there's nothing there to feel.
God gets us through though! Recently an old high school acquaintance blogged about her miscarriage. I was able to direct her to my blog, which she read. She said that it helped her so much to be reassured that she was not alone, and that someone else was feeling the same things she was. Another friend, who had fallen away from God, read my blog and said that it brought her back to him, just seeing my husband and my faith when we were faced with this hardship. God provides. God is great. But, I don't think he minds when we weep, and when we cry, and when we think of the "might have beens"

I've been reading your blog since November, along with several other Trisomy blogs. I don't believe that I miscarried because of Trisomy, but I've always been very interested in medical things, and had never heard of Trisomy until I stumbled across someones blog. I have since fallen in love with several families, yours included. Thank you for sharing your life with us readers, and thank you for sharing Isaac with us. You and your husband (and Isaac) are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Shaina

Laura said...

I don't know if you are familiar with Casting Crowns, but they have a song whose words are so comforting to me in my dark times. It is "Praise You In This Storm" and my favorite phrase is,

"For You are who You are
No matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand.
You never left my side and though my heart is torn,
I will praise You in this storm."

Your blog today reminded my of that song. I pray for you and Spencer often and I think of Isaac even more. God bless you today on your journey.

beau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I am sobbing at my computer....I know this blog is for your healing but you have to know that you are ministering to so many people. Thank you so much for your words today. Many of us have not faced what you have with losing Isaac, but are dealing with other types of loss and God is truly using you to minister to us. May God Bless you for your faithfulness through this. Thank you.

Laura said...

God bless you and Spencer - I am sure he is fine with your journey of grieving - in fact, if I am beginning to understand things, then he already knows the path that your grief has to take and he will be supporting you and giving you strength each step of the way.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Sweet Stacy...this is so beautiful. Oh...how true it is that our loving, merciful God meets us in our brokenness. I like what you said about being a Thomas...My Thomas taught me about "believing God without seeing". And...he's still teaching me. It is such an amazing privilege to be allowed to walk with you on this journey...thank you.

Sending love and continued prayers...
Kelly

Open your Eyes. said...

Issac really does have the most graceful mother I have ever 'met' X.

Brenna said...

Stacy,

Thank you. You, Erika and Devon each wrote incredibly inspiring posts this week, you've really give me some food for thought. I've struggled over my connection to G-d lately, and reading your blogs is helping me come around.

Erika posted about an episode of Oprah that involved the family of a twin who lost his brother at age 20: "They talked about how a spiritual transformation can occur in a person after a significant loss, and that grief can enlargen our souls and our connection with G-d." I'm hoping this is possible for me.

Thank you again for your writing--it's serving more purpose than you might imagine.

Love,
Brenna

Amanda said...

Stacy,

Thank you for your post today. I really needed it. There are times that I still feel so broken and I can't see through my tears. Sometimes it is just so hard not to continue to ask why when I know that God could have changed the outcome for Gavin.

I am glad that you have found Molly's blog as well. She has been an inspiration to me.

Take care and I continue to pray for you and Spencer.

Blessings,
Amanda
Forever missing Gavin

Kristina Petrella said...

Hi Stacy- You and Spencer are in my prayers daily. I have a thing for song lyrics, especially. The Newsboys have an amazing new song on their "Houston We are Go" cd. It is called stay strong.-Blessings, Kristina

Emma's Mommy said...

Stacy, you may have just been speaking what was on your heart today, but you are also ministering to others with your words. I NEEDED to hear this today. Next week would have been my due date. I have been really struggling with it and once again asking 'why'. There are no answers, but the words and thoughts you have posted here have given me some peace. Thank you!!! I'll still be praying for you and Spencer as you continue on this journey.

heidi marie said...

stacy,

you are such an inspiration for so many. reading your blog and insights really help me at times when i feel down and out.

Ashly said...

Thanks for sharing these great lyrics. I've never shared this with you, but we had a worship leader from our church sing that Jeremy Camp song at Brooks' funeral. That was the song we picked for us. For Brooks' we had sung a song by Phil Wickham called "Home" He's an amazing artist if you haven't discovered him yet-check him out!

FishMama said...

Beautiful words, Stacy. Thanks. So wish I could "fix it," but will pray that you continue to strengthen in Him.

Lynnette Kraft said...

Isn't it interesting that being heartbroken, being sad, and being so lost in it all is the very thing that makes us run to our Saviour? The very things that make us see the side of him that is so full of compassion and tenderness...it's where we find hope.

The blessings through heartache are so hard to explain to those who haven't been there, but I know exactly what you mean! There is such beauty in those moments of God "speaking deeply to your heart".

Thank you for sharing these thoughts...and you're right when you say, "God is ever-patient, never-failing... his love and grace unconditionally meeting me right where I am." PRAISE GOD FOR HIS UNFAILING LOVE! :)

Lynnette

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog thru mycharmingkids and I now pray for you and your family. I don't know your loss or pain, but will continue to lift you up in prayer.

Christine in Cali

Mrs. Smith said...

Hey Stac,
Tonight we went to a church concert with my grandparents; we're visting them in Tampa. Near the start of the concert he sang, "In Christ Alone" and the words made tears stream down my face thinking of Isaac.
"No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hand."

I just wanted you to know I think of Isaac and his wonderful mommy and daddy all the time.

Love, Taylor

Cathy said...

Your message is amazing and so must your strenght be. Praying for you in this time of such loss. What a precious boy Isaac is.

B MoM said...

thank you for posting this post. It has helped me so much today and this weekend.

Mochamama said...

Stacy- I hope you and Spencer have a good time at Chris's concert. I saw him a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it. Know that you are in my prayers.

Mochamama said...

Stacy- I hope you and Spencer have a good time at Chris's concert. I saw him a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it. Know that you are in my prayers.

Molly said...

Praying for you.

Ruth said...

Thank-you for encouraging me. Your faith is amazing. I know that our boys are playing and singing and worshipping together perfectly in heaven with Jesus. It just hurts and there is such a big hole all the time that they are not here with us. Just wanted to encourage you that you have been so helpful to me and so many other hurting moms. Will continue to pray for you and am envious of your prayers as well. sending much love-

Amanda said...

This was all too powerful and poignant. Great thoughts here...and great expressions of faith.

Many blessings-
Amanda