Never Let Go

This song, "Never Let Go" by the David Crowder Band, seems to be popping up everywhere lately, and it has touched my heart in a new way.

When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rise
And hope takes flight

Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go

You never let go
You never let go
You never let go (repeat)

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go

You never let go
You never let go
You never let go (repeat)

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills with hope
Perfect love that never lets go

You never let go
You never let go
You never let go (repeat)

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love (repeat)

In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go (repeat)

When this song first started showing up all around me, I thought about how it so deeply spoke to the tension that is my life right now... the conflict of living in both grief and hope, and the inevitable roller coaster of emotions that yields. The deep, soul-crushing grief that envelopes you when you lose a child, yet the hope that this isn't the end... that the grave doesn't get the final say; but instead, that I will be reunited with Isaac one day and until that time, he his safe and secure in the arms of our Father.

I then started thinking about the whole concept of the refrain of the song... "You never let go." Though I would have never chosen these circumstances and the fact that God has allowed them is still a really hard thing to swallow, His provision in the midst of them is so evident to me. He has surrounded us with so many people who have not let us go... and neither has He.

Our family... who calls us, e-mails us... who isn't afraid to speak Isaac's name. A few weeks ago, my sister called, and in a teary conversation, was telling me how much she missed Isaac... and how she could only imagine how much more I missed him as his mom. My mother-in-law who has a framed picture of Isaac on her shelf right next to her two other grandsons. I could go on... they have supported us in every way they know how, and then some.

Our small group friends... who have prayed fervently for us and who haven't been afraid to meet us in our pain. In a culture where people often seem to be extremely uncomfortable with grief, they have mourned with us, helped to carry our burdens (even the most practical ones like cleaning our house), and have given us the space to be sad, confused and angry. They have vistied Isaac's grace and brought flowers on the 7th of the month. They have asked us the hard and real questions and by doing so, have invited us to walk this journey authentically.

Our other friends, some of whom we don't see as often... who have written, sent cards, have offered to get together, and who continue to check in with us even though for some people, this all might be "old news."

And even complete strangers... or at least people I have never met in real life...people who read this blog and e-mail me to tell me that your heart, too, is breaking for us... and that you are praying.

It is so clear to me that God is meeting us right where we are, be it at the foot of the mountain we still know we need to climb, or back down in the bottom of the valley of despair where I often find myself landing. He is using His people and His word to hold us and to not let us go... even when clouds veil sun and disaster comes...or when waters rise and hope takes flight. He has given us so many people who live out Romans 12:15 in our lives... "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." He has so faithully surrounded us fith family and friends who are there... in joy and pain, sun and rain. He never lets us go, even when our grip isn't too strong.

And lastly, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I do know to be certain. Obviously, losing a child turns the world on its head, and causes you to consider that fact that certain things in life that you thought were a "given" suddenly are not. In fact, I am learning that not many things are... but two things that I know are true, are that God is ever faithful, and ever true. He doesn't change, even when our circumstances are unthinkable. And He is ever faithful. He certainly didn't answer our prayer for a miracle in the way in which we had hoped, earnestly prayed, and longed for; but in light of eternity, He is faithful. Issac is healed and whole... and we will get to see him again one day in Heaven.

Until then, we never let go... never let go of the memories we have of Isaac from the day he was born... of his soft fuzzy hair, the way he smelled, or he soft, sweet face... or, the love we have for Isaac that is uniquely his. Even though time marches on (which is a really difficult thing, and a whole other topic for a whole other day), it just isn't possible to let go... You just can't. He'll always be our son.

Oh my soul, overflows, oh what love, you never let go...