Friday, January 9, 2009

Never Let Go

This song, "Never Let Go" by the David Crowder Band, seems to be popping up everywhere lately, and it has touched my heart in a new way.

When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rise
And hope takes flight

Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go

You never let go
You never let go
You never let go (repeat)

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go

You never let go
You never let go
You never let go (repeat)


Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills with hope
Perfect love that never lets go

You never let go
You never let go
You never let go (repeat)

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love (repeat)

In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go (repeat)

When this song first started showing up all around me, I thought about how it so deeply spoke to the tension that is my life right now... the conflict of living in both grief and hope, and the inevitable roller coaster of emotions that yields. The deep, soul-crushing grief that envelopes you when you lose a child, yet the hope that this isn't the end... that the grave doesn't get the final say; but instead, that I will be reunited with Isaac one day and until that time, he his safe and secure in the arms of our Father.

I then started thinking about the whole concept of the refrain of the song... "You never let go." Though I would have never chosen these circumstances and the fact that God has allowed them is still a really hard thing to swallow, His provision in the midst of them is so evident to me. He has surrounded us with so many people who have not let us go... and neither has He.

Our family... who calls us, e-mails us... who isn't afraid to speak Isaac's name. A few weeks ago, my sister called, and in a teary conversation, was telling me how much she missed Isaac... and how she could only imagine how much more I missed him as his mom. My mother-in-law who has a framed picture of Isaac on her shelf right next to her two other grandsons. I could go on... they have supported us in every way they know how, and then some.

Our small group friends... who have prayed fervently for us and who haven't been afraid to meet us in our pain. In a culture where people often seem to be extremely uncomfortable with grief, they have mourned with us, helped to carry our burdens (even the most practical ones like cleaning our house), and have given us the space to be sad, confused and angry. They have vistied Isaac's grace and brought flowers on the 7th of the month. They have asked us the hard and real questions and by doing so, have invited us to walk this journey authentically.

Our other friends, some of whom we don't see as often... who have written, sent cards, have offered to get together, and who continue to check in with us even though for some people, this all might be "old news."

And even complete strangers... or at least people I have never met in real life...people who read this blog and e-mail me to tell me that your heart, too, is breaking for us... and that you are praying.

It is so clear to me that God is meeting us right where we are, be it at the foot of the mountain we still know we need to climb, or back down in the bottom of the valley of despair where I often find myself landing. He is using His people and His word to hold us and to not let us go... even when clouds veil sun and disaster comes...or when waters rise and hope takes flight. He has given us so many people who live out Romans 12:15 in our lives... "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." He has so faithully surrounded us fith family and friends who are there... in joy and pain, sun and rain. He never lets us go, even when our grip isn't too strong.

And lastly, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I do know to be certain. Obviously, losing a child turns the world on its head, and causes you to consider that fact that certain things in life that you thought were a "given" suddenly are not. In fact, I am learning that not many things are... but two things that I know are true, are that God is ever faithful, and ever true. He doesn't change, even when our circumstances are unthinkable. And He is ever faithful. He certainly didn't answer our prayer for a miracle in the way in which we had hoped, earnestly prayed, and longed for; but in light of eternity, He is faithful. Issac is healed and whole... and we will get to see him again one day in Heaven.

Until then, we never let go... never let go of the memories we have of Isaac from the day he was born... of his soft fuzzy hair, the way he smelled, or he soft, sweet face... or, the love we have for Isaac that is uniquely his. Even though time marches on (which is a really difficult thing, and a whole other topic for a whole other day), it just isn't possible to let go... You just can't. He'll always be our son.


Oh my soul, overflows, oh what love, you never let go...

49 comments:

Tif said...

My prayers continue to be with you. Thank you for sharing your heart here.

Betty L. said...

Stacy,
What a beautiful post! I read it twice,and saw beautiful insights each time. My heart aches for you,and my tears flow.You are so right;the love you have for Isaac is uniquely his!You will never let go of that love-and that love will always continue to grow!
It is profound that in all of your pain you can attest to the fact that God is ever faithful and ever true.He is meeting you where you are.What wonderful family and friends he has surrounded you with.


We prayed all day Wednesday-you were always in my heart and thoughts.When we saw the icy rain,I was hoping school would be closed so you could have stayed home.
I hope you felt the prayers, and the arms of Jesus around you.

May you feel peace and hope today,and God's grace.
Thanks for sharing so honestly-He will never let go! And we will never forget sweet Isaac.

Liz and Will Timmerman said...

You have brought tears to my eyes this morning. Your post was beautiful. Thank you for reminding me that God is ever constant, through sun and rain, and he will never let go.

Love,
Liz Timmerman

clkocher said...

What a beautiful post! You brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the reminder of God's constant love. That even in our darkest ours, he won't let go.

I continue to pray for you and your family.

Kaleena said...

I happened upon your blog by accident and I'm so very glad that I did. My heart aches for the loss of your son. We lost our son Samuel Isaiah on January 27, 2007. As the anniversary of our loss is fast approaching, I have found that the words you have posted are quite familiar to my heart. I will continue to follow and pray for you and your husband, that you may continue the healing process. Your son is beautiful! Thank you for sharing him with us.

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

My heart is breaking for you in a whle new way this week. Praying daily for your healing to continue and that God will continue to show Himslef faithful to you daily.

Amanda said...

This si my first visit here...and not waht I was expecting to read...but man you have touched my soul like no other. I am AMAZED by you!
What a beautiful and thoughtful and POWERFUL testimony to anyone who does or doesn't know the Lord...

I am so sorry that you have had to endure the most painful or lifes trials. But so grateful that you have not lost sight of Him.

I can't wait to meet Isaac, and share with him how his life impacted mine in such a significant way... thanks to his couageous mommy who is willing to share her most private and devastating experiences...

You are appreciated and I will be praying for you.

God bless-
Amanda

Charity said...

Your words are beautiful and touch my heart! Thank you for sharing these uplifting thoughts with us today!

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

well said....just what i think as well...god bless you!

Laura said...

Such a beautiful post. I was wondering....when you are reunited with Isaac, do you believe he will still be that infant only moments old, or is it his soul? I want to visualize these things, these reunification my friends will have with their lost children and I wondered if there was anything touching on this to explain it in the Bible?

Your pain I take into my heart and hope for easing of your ache.

Danielle Holsapple said...

I too love that song and am so glad it has touched you. You are so right...Isaac will always be your son and your love for him will always be. Bless you....

Julie said...

My heart continues to ache for you. I shed tears with you for your sweet Isaac...wish I could take the pain away. Time is a hard thing - it's both good to allow for healing and it's also hard because it's moving away from your baby. I understand and feel your heart.

Continuing to pray...

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your pain and grief. I continue to read and pray for you and Spencer.
Alicia

Laura said...

Stacy, you are so brave and strong. Because you are able to share Isaac and your heart with us, he is living on, touching lives, inspiring people, making an impact, making a difference in our lives.
I know he is so proud to have you for a mommy.

Mrs B said...

Thank you for the post...you always say it so well. Although we both would have picked different paths for our lives, I know God will work them out for good. I am not sure how you could be any better, you are such a beacon of strength and hope, but I know God has really changed me. You are one of the ways he has done so. I want you to know I have you in my prayer journal and I don't know if you were having a tough day, night, week, whatever, but I prayed really hard for you last night. May God bless you.

David said...

Your words are beautifully perfect. Never Let Go is in my Top 3 of David Crowder songs. I may never sing/listen to the song the same way again. Of course b/c of Isaac my heart/soul is ever near to Our Father's.

Thank you so much for the strength to invite us all to share your journey.

You are a blessing.

Rachel E. said...

Thank you for sharing this song with us, Stacy. I am continuing to pray for you. Your authenticity on this journey of grief and hope is such an amazing testimony to God's grace.

Anonymous said...

You amaze me. I know when people make comments like that you must think that we somehow don't see your pain enough, but the fact that you can verbalize such insight into the love of God and his faithfulness to you through this time is amazing. You have summoned the strength that most of us only say we would have in a similar situation. Isaac has changed many people's lives for Christ, and so have his parents. May God continue to bless you and keep you.

Open your Eyes. said...

I am so humbled to read and be apart of your journey Stacy

Cara said...

What a timely post. Gorgeous sentiment. Thank you Stacey for your continued hope and strength.

Cynthia said...

The fact that you can still be as strong in your faith now as you were a year ago is inspiring to me. He is always there for us and I am glad that you can find comfort in that if nothing else right now.

Again, thank you for sharing your journey with us. You write beautifully.

I will continue to pray for you and all moms in the world who had to say good-bye too soon.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post! Still continuing to pray for you every day. You have amazing strengh and are truly an inspiration. - Missy

rebecca said...

Stacy,
What a beautiful, inspiring post and what an awesome pic of you and your little sweetheart.
Thank you for sharing and you are still in my prayers.

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry. Time can be so painful. His legacy and the lives he touched is still marching on too.
He is so beautiful. There is another song you might like called Yet I will Praise You by Vineyard. It made me think of you and Taylor.
It is 3rd on my playlist if you want to listen to it.
Thank you for letting us walk through this with you and sharing Isaac with us.
Love, Stephanie in TN

Laura said...

He never will let go....praying for you.

Laura said...

He never will let go....praying for you.

Jen said...

Wow. In tears once again, in awe of you, and our Lord. I have loved this song as soon as I heard it, and I've woken up with it playing in my mind when I'm in a particularly sad place.

Thank you- for being you, and for being such a vessel for God to work in.

I hope and pray that us strangers have blessed you in some small way. I hope we can bring some comfort- that Isaac IS remembered, by people who didn't know him, but see him in every child, in every new baby...in every person that has their eyes fixed on God.
Jen

Charity said...

That was Beautiful. Praying for you daily. Charity

erin w. said...

I pray too that you will never let go of that precious time that you spent with Isaac. You are a beautiful & godly example to me. thank you stacy.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

I'm praying for you...as you cling to the One who will never let go of you...He holds you in His very strong hands.

Dani said...

Though I rejoice that against the odds my daughter is with us, I morn with you the loss of your son. And while Happy he has so far answered my prayers I do believe in a way he answered yours. Not in the way you had hoped but you got to meet your son, hold him and love him and then Your loving arms delivered him into the arms of Jesus. That I believe was his answer to your prayers. Because you were so selfless to carry him and go thru the pain of delivering him when many others would have "discarded" him or ended their own suffering by terminating with a poor prenatal diagnosis, you carried on and your reward was the most precious moments on earth, all of Isaac's moments on earth were spent in complete love. NOt only did you touch him, smell him but he touched you, smelled you and was held safe in your arms. Not the miracle you wanted but a miracle none the less...

Lynette said...

I cried reading this - such beautiful words from a mother's heart...
praying for you always,
lynette x

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

So beautiful, Stacy...His grace shines through your grief. Praying for you today and always...

Kelly

sumi said...

Oh Stacy...HUGS!

God never lets go of us, because we are his children. He doesn't expect us to let go of our children either.

He is a God of relationship and we, who are made in his image, are made to value relationships as much as he does.

You will always be Isaac's mommy and yes, you never need to let him go. You can carry him with you in your heart until you see him again.

I have really struggled with well-meaning friends who encouraged me to let Jenna go after she went to heaven. They frowned on my need to celebrate her birthday, to hang up her Christmas stocking, and to continue to remember her as a part of our family.

I do release her to Jesus all the time, but at the same time she is still my little girl, I will ALWAYS love her, and I don't think Jesus expects me to cut her off as though she had never been in our lives.

Sorry for the long reply...it's a sore point...

Megan said...

What an absolutely beautiful post. Thank you. I continue to pray for you and Spencer.

attorneymama said...

Stacey, we have never met and are literal strangers. But I think of you and I think of Isaac every day. I check in every so often to see how your strength is holding up. You never cease to amaze me. He is waiting for you and watching over you.

Brenna said...

Stacy, your posts often bring tears to my eyes and always humble me. I wish I had your strength of faith; I truly admire you as a person and as a parent. Isaac is fortunate to have such an amazing mommy.

Michelle and Tim said...

We love you two, and we love Isaac. And Jesus loves him even more than any of us could. Hard to imagine, isn't it? But what a comfort...

Wendy said...

Just wanted to say, thinking of the three of you <3

Kirsten said...

Stacy,

So well said. It is amazing how God supplies such comfort in tangible ways in the middle of our grief. The people who were Jesus to us through our journey with Chloe will have a special place in my heart forever. I'm so grateful. I hate that it took such pain to get to that place of surrender and the ability to receive - yet, I'm grateful that I'm forever changed because of it.

Three months since Isaac was born. Does it feel like 3 days and 3 years at the same time? It did for me - still so many raw emotions, yet so much to absorb that it all seemed like a foggy dream from the past.

You are in my prayers. I know there are good days (moments) and heart wrenching days. You are not alone in anything that you are experiencing. And the way that you reach out to encourage other mom's experiencing the same loss is a blessing.

You are not alone. Blessings on your day. I pray that you will feel the peace that passes all understanding and even joy today.

Polly Gamwich said...

I cling to this song too - though my story is different. I'm so glad to hear you are surrounded by such a great small group and that your family is so supportive.

Chelsea Pang said...

You seem to regularly speak to exactly what is on my heart! People speaking her name, He is always right, be there with those when we are happy and sad. The Lord is definately preparing my heart for more than pain within just my experience. Happy New Years and wishing you many Lord-filled blessings

Alexandra's Mommy said...

That last picture for this post just brings me to tears! He is so amazingly cute! I am still thinking about you daily!!

my3sons said...

Hi, the website for Noah and Julie is noahandjulieroberts.blogspot.com

I have been following their blog as well as yours. You both have been in my thoughts.

Jennie Bender said...

I am the mother of a trisomy 18 complete girl baby. She was a doll. The Lord has helped us all along the way. Praying for you! It is a hard journey. Praying.

mamapearl said...

Those pictures of you and Isaac together take my breath away every time. You're on my heart and in my prayers often. Thanks so much for sharing with us!

Libby and Greg said...

Stacy,
I loved reading this post. I too struggle with bad things that God has let happen...It's so hard to understand his character and his purpose, and even though I know we're not supposed to understand him, it's still hard not to be able to!

I recently read The Shack by William P. Young...it's fiction, but it deals with the character of God and why bad things happen. It helped me put things in perspective a lot. So if you're up for reading it, I'd highly suggest it.

I'm praying for you.

Heidi said...

i wasn't sure if i should comment, but i left and then came back and decided to say to you that your son was a beautiful little baby boy!

sitting here crying for him, for you, for your empty arms...not being able to imagine the pain you are feeling, yet your words are so caring, appreciative, uplifting.

tonight i will go to bed with a heavy heart, thinking that even though life is good, it can be unfair.

praying for you and your family. i am so happy that you had that special time with your son.

MiniMe Mom said...

I "lurk" quite faithfully but don't always post. Your post today has touched me deeply.

This post is a beautiful tribute to God and also your sweet boy Isaac.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. My prayers are with you.