Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dreams

I have heard from a number of moms in the "I've lost a child club" that they sometimes dream about the child that they've lost. Until last night, I hadn't experienced that. I had dreams about the day I would deliver Isaac while I was still pregnant, but since October 7th, I hadn't dreamed about him... until last night.

You know how dreams are... sort of scattered. You're in one place, then suddenly you're in another. My dream started in the hospital delivering Isaac. Like it was predicted, he was born not breathing. But then, he did... almost like when someone has been under water for a while and they come up for a breath. In my dream, I just remember being so... shocked. And so, so thankful.

Then, we were suddenly at home. I remember waking up (in my dream) wondering, "Which is it? Is he here, or is he not?" And to my surprise, I could hear him crying across the hall in the nursery. I remember going in, picking him up, and rocking him as he fell back asleep.

Somehow, it was then about a year later in my dream because Isaac was walking... you know, that cute "I could topple over at any minute because I am unstable and haven't quite figured out how my legs work yet" walk. And he had the biggest grin on his face and was laughing. How appropriate. After all, "Isaac" does mean "he laughs."

The thing that's hard about having such a good dream is that you wake up... you wake up and find that your reality isn't what just unfolded during your good night's slumber. And sure, there are all kinds of studies about what dreams do, or don't, mean. All that aside, I think it just caught me off guard.

I suppose the bottom line is still just that I miss my son terribly. And although that dream may have been a glimpse of the joy that could be ahead should we be fortunate enough at some point to have a healthy child, it still won't be the joy that we'll ever be able to experience with Isaac on this side of Heaven. Thank goodness for the hope we can have in eternity... that the brokenness of this world isn't the end.

45 comments:

Stephanie said...

I hope you have many more wonderful dreams of Isaac..what a great feeling, even if its only for a little bit. he must have known you needed to feel his presence!

Antonia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Antonia said...

Stacy,

I have heard that when a loved one is lost that you do start dreaming about them. I wonder if this is partly our subconcious and partly a way that God lets us know they are okay. When my grandfather passed away, my daughter who was very close to him started having dreams about him probably about 3 or so months after he passed. It has been almost 8 years since he did and she still dreams about him. I think it is God's way of helping her adjust to life without him and to remind her that Grandpa is doing just fine and that he is in heaven now. Perhaps your dream was also Isaac's way of reminding you that he will always be with you. I hope you continue to meet him in your dreams.

January 22, 2009 12:59 PM

Stephanie said...

I am thankful you get to be with him in your dreams. I am so sorry you have to wake up to the nightmare of not having him.
I cried most of yesterday and today because of suffering... suffering in my own life and in yours and so many others.
I long for Jesus. I long to be rescued. I long to see the 2 babies I have in heaven.
I am sorry. I AM thankful this isn't the end. May we keep our eyes on eternal things.
My heart aches for you. You are precious. Thank you for opening your life to us.

Bethany said...

I'm looking forward to the big reunion in heaven of everyone who has prayed for you and Isaac.

Meg said...

Oh Stacy! The dreams. They're wonderful and at the same time they can bring a lot of pain. I have had many dreams of Ian. Dreams of him crying at birth which he never ever did. Dreams of seeing him as a chubby baby and an adorable blond haired, blue eyed toddler. The dreams always seem to be glimpses of what could have been and what we feel should have been. Know that Isaac is safe in the arms of Jesus and that God has prepared a place for him and that you and Spencer will be reunited with him one day. ((HUGS)) Know that I think of you often.

Jus and Kat said...

I had my first Dylan dream recently too, and took the next THREE days off of work . . . go figure! Nothing like longing for my son to make me a little "sick".

Still praying for you . . .
-Kat

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

Praying for you, hon. I know it must be so hard to wake up from "being with" Isaac. You are loved and prayed for hourly.

The Adkins Family said...

I check your blog everyday. I hope your dreams of Isaac bring relief and not pain. Always thinking of you guys!

brandy said...

I just imagine him walking with Jesus. I know you wish he could've walked with you before with Jesus. Some things, we'll never understand. I'm praying...

Laura Ann said...

Praying for you daily. Thanks for sharing your dream with us about your sweet little boy.

Julie said...

So thankful for the beautiful dream you had of your sweet Isaac, even though it's so hard when they end. Been thinking about you alot along with Isaac - wondering what he is doing in Heaven along with my angels.

Praying...

Verna said...

May your dreams of your sweet boy give you peace and healing.
May knowing that he is with Jesus and healed, be a consoltation to you. We never quiet understand the whys in life, but we do know our God who is in control will always be there for us.
Praying for you in Illinois.

Kaymee81 said...

I just came across your blog today and cried my eyes out. You and your husband are so amazingly strong. I hope you are able to find some peace in your dreams of your baby boy.

~ shi ~ said...

Stacy,

I had the dreams until I had my next child, I treasured them, I believe God sent them as a healing and comforting tool. Maybe? even a glimpes into how happy they really are in Heaven? Be brave, and know that you are being prayed for and thought of, this is a icky club to belong too, but one day we can all rejoice on the other side with our wee ones.

Also I thought it would be forever until I had my next child, and now she is graduating from college. It amazes me how the time flew past. Even though it is a sorrowing time, please do not forget that each day is a day God created for you, and you can never get that day back. Try to see what small thing He might reveal to you this day! God Bless you and your husband.

David said...

What breaks me the most, is thinking of all the people in this world that don't know that "the brokeness of this world isn't the end"...

Matthew 5:4

Open your Eyes. said...

I love that photo so much at the end. You will be very fortunate to mother Issac one day Stacy...you really will :) X.

Laura said...

How bittersweet...

Jeff and Melissa Blair said...

As I read your blog today, I was reminded of the movie Stepmom. There is a part of the movie where the Mom (played by Susan Sarandon) who is dying of cancer tries to explain to her son that she will still be around after she dies. She explains that she will always be in his heart. He asks if he will ever see her again, and she tells him, "We will always have our dreams". Dreams are remarkable things. I truly believe that dreams demonstrate the psychic ability in all of us. Perhaps in your dream, Isaac was trying to tell you that you will in fact have a healthy baby in the near future. What a beautiful dream, thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.

Hope James Wilson said...

Love the pic of Isaac & how cool that you dreamed he was laughing, since that IS what his name means. Thanks for sharing. Continued prayers in Georgia...

Trennia said...

Stacy,
I too had a little girl born with simulair complications as your son Isaac had.Her name is Emily Grace Hedges she was born May 3,2008 she lived for 17 minutes.I too dreamed about her as you have about Isaac isn't GOD sweet to give us dreams! I have been reading your blog since around Christmas and I just felt like letting you know I have been praying for you.
In CHRIST JESUS, Trennia

Kendra S-L said...

Oh the laughter we will all enjoy when we reach Heaven. Until that day, let us carry one another while we march sober-faced, fully awake to our need for the Father each moment.

Amber said...

I like to think you were meant to have a glimpse of what his days are like in heaven. I'm sorry the waking was painful, Stacy.

Kelli said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story of Isaac with us. The bible says to weep with those who weep and to bear one another's burdens.So I pray for you and your family often. May God continue to hold you in his tender care.

Jen said...

I just ached even more for you as I read about the dream. After I lost my grandmother and grandfather I had those same dreams, and felt that horrible realization when waking up. I can't even comprehend how it must be for you. Every time I look at Isaac's pictures I yearn for him to still be with you. Someday, you will have children in this world with you- but they won't be Isaac- and that is a hard thing to swallow. Praying for you,and dreaming of dreams come true for your future.

Drama Queens said...

Thinking of you and your husband so much. I hope you find some joy in the dream and always know you are already a mommy even if you can't experience it the way many do.

FSD said...

What a beautiful dream. And I'm so glad you saw Issac happy in your dream. I can only imagine how difficult it was to wake up and realize it was only a dream, but I'm glad you had that special experience.

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you.

sumi said...

I have had only one brief dream about Jenna, and there have been times that I have prayed (more like tearfully begged) for another. It's bittersweet - waking up and feeling that you were so close to them for a moment (even though it was just a dream), but missing them so much more because of it.

May God restore you and bring you the joy of another little child when you are ready. He really is a wonderfully generous God and I have no doubt that he will give you beauty for your ashes.

HUGS...

Anonymous said...

Hey Stacy,
I have had dreams like that about family members and who have died. I started having them when I was 12and my Grandfather died, he the first grandparent I lost. Ever since then everytime someone close to me dies I have dreams about them starting a couple months after they pass, I personally like to believe that it takes time to check into heaven which is why there is a delay :). Usually we are having a conversation about how they are doing now, how they are safe, and to tell everyone that they love them and will see them again. I 100% believe that they actually come to me because they are usually with people that I don't know, and then I look at old pictures or describe them to living family members and realize they are relatives who passed that I never met...crazy I know.

It sounds strange, but I find comfort and sadness in these dreams. I wake up very happy, and then realize that I can't talk to them in person anymore. However, I do have more of these dreams when I am in a rough part of life. For example when our son, Nathan, was born he had two brain hemmorages. He is perfect now, thanks to countless surgeries and a shunt, but it was incredibly hard for Lawrence and I. I would be comforted when my other Grandfather (who died in my arms when I was three months pregnant with Nathan) would be in my dreams telling me that everything will be fine. That we will all make it through this, and he will be healthy.

I have come to believe that when we really need them, those we have lost find a way to tell us that they are alright, and that we will be fine again. I know that you won't know why this happened to you, Spenc, the first baby and Isaac until you are in paradise, but I believe that the people we love never leave us...they just get different jobs. Isaac will always be with you and watching over you. You guys are, and always will be his Mommy and Daddy. Nothing, including death, will ever break that bond. Trust that Isaac was telling you that he is doing fine...heck, he is already walking!

Love,
Sandy (Spence's friend from college)

Jeff & Leza said...

I believe your dream was Gods way of showing you how happy Isaac is in Heaven with Him and how he loves to walk and smile. He's watching over you and daddy. I'm sure Isaac will come to you in your dreams for many years even after you have another baby and you will love each one just as much. I know when i dream about my babies (that I never met) I never want to wake up, but when I do I thank God over and over for the chance to KNOW AND SEE that my babies are happy in His kingdom.

God bless you Stacy and your family. You are ALWAYS in my prayers. The Lord is good and He will guide you. Keep believing and praying.

Carol said...

I stumbled across your blog and want to say that it does get better! After trying for two years to get pregnant we finally had a beautiful, healthy boy. We lost his twin at 10 weeks, but I was so happy to have a child. We went back to the infertility doctor and finally got pregnant again. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome. I think I grieved the loss of our "normal" daughter more than the baby we lost, but, of course, time does heal and she is such a joy and delight. I love the dreams I have about her because we have the most wonderful chatty conversations! She is very low functioning and can't really communicate but boy do we ever in my dreams! Praise be to our Lord Jesus Christ who not only carries our burdens but loves doing it. He will help you laugh again! This life is so brief for all of us, only a shadow, and we have a 'real' country waiting on us that I know we can't even imagine.

Here is a verse I've been memorizing this week: (Beth Moore has a memorizing thing going on, check out her blog)

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after;
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord,
and to inquire in His temple.
Ps. 27:4
I'm praying for you!

Danielle Holsapple said...

I am sure it was hard to wake up from that. But God has a mysterious way of communicating with us, doesn't he?! (HUGS) to you!

Anonymous said...

Isaac is watching over you when he knows you need him the most. He is a special little boy and has touched so many of our hearts. Keep dreaming those happy and soothing dreams and yes you will be together again. God Bless you.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you had that dream Stacy. I dream about my first child (miscarried at 9 weeks), who in my dreams is a little girl. It does hurt to wake, but in some sense it allows me to see her and know that God is taking care of her. I also believe that my loved ones in Heaven also care for her, not sure if that is actually true but it makes me feel better.
Alicia

Christa said...

What a precious precious dream and special memory to know hold close.

Joy said...

That is such a precious dream from God! Maybe it is His way of telling you that little Isaac is showering Heaven with his laughter. I know you'd rather have him here, though. *HUGS*

Carla Burlando said...

I'm so glad you had a wonderful dream of Isaac , even if it was only fleeting. It is just a taste of what will be someday in heaven.
I am also a member of the "I've lost a child club" that sister hood of hearts once broken and arms that know what empty really feels like. I remember to this day many of the dreams I had after Samuels death. The most recent was after the birth of his younger sister and brother. I dreamt that we found him, he had been alive all along and I had for the first time all three of my kids together. It was beautiful.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

"Thank goodness for the hope we can have in eternity... that the brokenness of this world isn't the end."

Amen and amen.

With my prayers,
Susie

The Sandefurs said...

How sad and yet how sweet. I still think of you and pray for you often, my bloggy buddy and sister in the Lord....

Jen Manlapaz said...

I think that is a beautiful dream you had of Isaac. I have to say that while it was hard to wake up from such a wonderful dream, I imagine that had the dream been a bad one, it would have been much harder to swallop when you woke up. Perhaps I am wrong, but with all that you've been through and as much as you love Isaac, I think it's great that you can have nice dreams about him. I hope that you have many more wonderful dreams of him Stacy.

Emily said...

I just found your blog on babyloss directory. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I don't feel so alone to find others who are also dealing with the loss of children.

peace- emily

steppingstonesblog.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

...when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part....

wishing you continued healing and peace and thinking of you often.

Paige said...

Stacy,
I too am a member of "the club." We lost our baby girl in May (stillborn at 36 wks)and since then I have seen my baby girl in my dreams only once. In my dream she was born alive and hooked up to machines and I was about to get to hold her again. I kept telling myself in my dream, this is not happening she is dead. But my husband kept reassuring me she was okay. Then of course my hopes were shattered as I woke up. This has been such a journey of mixed blessings, I am glad that I "saw" her again, but also crushed and going through the emotions of our loss all over again as I woke up. You are in my daily prayers, as I have read your blog for a couple of months. I pray for God's peace in our hearts and that we be blessed abundantly in the future by our Father in Heaven that has chosen a path for us that we would have never chosen for ourselves.