Beautiful

Spencer and I were talking this weekend about how it feels like the weeks are flying by, and the weekends are flying by even faster. I wish there was some button on the remote control of life that would allow me to just put everything in slow motion for the next nine days. I don't know if it's the fact that we have had so many doctor's appointments recently, or that I am just keenly aware of the fact that the time we have left until October 7th really is that short. Regardless, I just wish it would all slow down.

Anyhow... to the title of this post. When I think of beautiful things, I think of the sunrise I saw this morning on my way to work which I told Isaac all about... the way that the sky was just starting to illuminate and strokes of clouds were delicately brushed across the sky. I think of the numerous rainbows I saw right after summertime thunderstorms. I think of the woman who anointed Jesus with perfume, and the beautiful sacrifice that she made.

And I think of Isaac.

At my appointment last Friday, I asked my doctor to explain to me exactly how a c-section works. She was very honest about it, but her explanation definitely did calm my fears a little bit. I am pretty nervous about getting a spinal; yet, she explained that she didn't think it would be nearly as painful as the CVS testing I had done back at 14 weeks. I am nervous that the procedure is more complicated than usual, and she explained that although this may be true, it isn't anything that is putting me in any more jeopardy. And then, as she was measureing my stomach to see if I was measuring on track (which I was), she said something to Spencer and I that we will not ever forget:

Stacy, I want you to know that when he's born, he's going to look like a real baby. He will be beautiful.

It was all I could do not to lose it laying on the table in that tiny examination room.

Beautiful.

It would be untrue to say that there hasn't been some fear about the fact that Isaac has so many anomalies and how I would be able to handle that. It didn't help that the doctor who has given Spencer and I a little "trouble" in the past "kindly" explained to us that babies with "deformations" can look a little scary. (Really... who says that to a patient in this situation?!). I was so thankful for my doctor's words that afternoon, and to know that she is with us in this.

Beautiful.

He will be... how could you not think that of your own son? I just wish I knew that I would get to keep him.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us as October 7th approaches. Our hearts are definitely becoming increasingly more heavy, and we really need and appreciate your prayers.

Isaac's Playground

We have received some questions about whether or not there has been a fund set up in Isaac's name or a cause to which Spencer and I are connected that people could donate to in honor of Isaac. We are blessed by your inquiries.

Spencer and I have been working on bringing to life an idea that we had back in the summer time, and I am excited to share that the wheels are in motion. We wanted to provide folks the opportunity, if they felt inclined, to give to something (in lieu of flowers) in honor of Isaac. We wanted it to be something that seemed like a really good fit and that felt right in our hearts.

And so...

We are going to have a playground built in Isaac's honor at our church. We've been working with our pastor and the director of children's ministries there, and they have both been tremendously supportive of the idea and of our vision for this. We are grateful for the way God is putting the pieces together.

Our church currently meets in a high school, though we just broke ground on our new property. Our building is expected to be completed in fall of 2009, though we know there's a chance things could get backed up with permits, etc. Since winter would not be a good time to install the playground, the hope would be to build the playground in the spring of 2010.

We are still figuring out the details of who checks should be made out to, but we will let you know as soon as we do.

More details to come...

Thirteen

Some people say 13 is a lucky number, some say it's unlucky. It had been my dad's number on his softball team, and the number on my jersery for a few soccer seasons.

Now, it's the time we have left with Isaac. If I were to write out all the things that this fact stirs up within me, I am not sure it would sound a whole lot different than my post entitled 20 Days... except in some ways worse. The closer October 7th gets, the harder my days are becoming.

So instead, I decided to include 13 ways for you to pray for us...

1. For a miracle... we know that it's not too late, and that God had the power to heal Isaac should that be His will. Please don't stop asking.
2. For His peace that surpasses understanding... there's a lot we don't understand about all of this; but we desire to rest in the peace of the truth of who God is.
3. For strength... just getting through our days at work has become a pretty laborious task.
4. For my body to continue to cooperate with this medicine and not go into labor prior to October 7.
5. For my fears to be calmed about having a c-section.
6. For the doctors, nurses, and hospital staff that will be working with us... that they may see Christ through our choices, through our love for Isaac, and through our love for each other.
7. For the doctors performing the c-section... that they would be able to navigate this more "complicated" procedure in a way that would be as pain-free as possible for Isaac and that wouldn't put my body or health in jeopardy in any way.
8. For Spencer... that God would strength and uphold him as he continues to comfort and support me.
9. For our parents and sibblings... they, too, are experiencing a loss.
10. For the details we're trying to work on regarding a burial service and a memorial service for Isaac... that the details would come together and they would both honor Isaac and bring glory to God.
11. For the details we're working on with our church regarding having a playground built in Isaac's honor
12. For a good night's sleep each night, and particularly the night of October 6.
13. For God to carry us and make His presence very real to us in the weeks and months to come.

Thank you so much for praying.

I Will Carry You

I posted these lyrics a while back, but I was listening to this song again as I was re-doing the music on my iPod this morning. This song, "I Will Carry You," was written by Todd and Angie Smith, for their daugher, Audrey, and was recorded by Selah. I was so moved when I first heard the lyrics, but now, as October 7 approaches (way too quickly), it rings even truer with me.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you


It is so hard to think about all the "would have been's" and "could have been's..." about how I want so much to be able to read Isaac stories and rock him to sleep, take him on walks, play in the surf at the ocean with him, teach him to ride a bike and put a Band-Aid on his knee when he falls off trying to learn. It's hard to think about how we're not only going to miss our son, but that grandparents will miss their grandson; aunts and uncles will miss their nephew; and maybe one day, our future children will miss out on knowing their big brother. It's hard to think about what he might have been... somebody's teammate, best friend, husband, or Daddy.

I am thankful, though, that Isaac's life matters enough that his presense will be missed... that his life has significance, value, and weight. I am also thankful for the chance to be his Mommy, even though I know that time will be cut way too short.
And I am so grateful that Isaac will end up in a place where he will be loved by a God who loves him more perfectly and more completely than I ever could.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us in the upcoming days and weeks.

20 Days

I realized this morning that if all goes according to plan (which, as it seems we're learning lately, it rarely does), we have 20 days left with our sweet Isaac. Before, I was able to think of the time until my c-section in weeks; now it's days.

I have been thinking a lot about why moving my c-section up 10 days bothered me so much. I understand why it's the best decision from a medical standpoint, but it has been a hard thing for me to accept these last few days. I think the reality is that I feel like those 10 days are days that have somehow been stolen from me... days that I would rather get to feel Isaac kick and wiggle, knowing that he's safe and that he's alive.

I was asked yesterday if there were certain things I wanted to do or get done before he came. Truthfully, the answer is no. I just want more time. 20 days just doesn't seem like enough, even though I know that no finite number of days ever would be.

Tuesday evening I scoured every book in the Bible that had a chapter 10 verse 7, trying to find a verse that I thought would fit Isaac. Not one of them did. Some were sort of morbid, a few were generations in geneologies, and others seemed sort of random out of context. So instead, I turned to Psalm 107. I loved it. In particular, these three verses were of great comfort for me...

19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

20 He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

I had a little bit of trouble with verse 20. We, along with many of you, have been pleading with God to heal Isaac on this side of heaven. So far, the answer seems to be no. But I know, because His word is true and His love is unfailing, God will in fact ultimately heal Isaac; the grave is not the end. We know that he will be in a much safer and more perfect place. In that there is comfort, though I still would rather have him here for a while first.

Please continue to pray for us, that God would continue to sustain us with His strength, grace and peace, allowing us to enjoy even one more day with Isaac. Please pray that He would calm my numerous fears about having major surgery, and that the surgery itself would go smoothly and be free of any complications. And, please don't stop asking for a miracle.

Update

Hello,

Thanks so much for the many words of encouragement and prayers that were offered in even the short time since I last posted.

My doctor's appointment went okay. She did say that I am 1 cm dialated, which initially freaked me out, until I remembered that women can walk around for weeks beng 1-2 centimeters dialated. Let's hope that's the case.

She did, however, move up Isaac's scheduled birth date. My c-section is now scheduled for October 7th. This was a really difficult thing for me. Mentally and emotionally I have been preparing myself for mid-October, thinking that I had 4 weeks left getting to feel Isaac kick and wiggle. Now it's 3. I know that may not sound like a big deal, but somehow for me it really is.

We could use your prayers for quite a few things...
1- That my body doesn't decide to go into labor and that Isaac stays put until October 7th
2- That Spencer and I would be able to juggle things with our long-term subs at school without any problems
3- That all of the preparations, like having the specific nurses we've met with at the hospital, having the right rooms available for us, our very generous photographer not having a conflict on October 7... that all of those things would fall into place.
4- For grace and peace and strength in the 3 weeks we have left with sweet little Isaac.

Prayers for Today

We could use your prayers for our doctor's appointment today. We have an ultrasound scheduled as well. Please pray that there would be some clarity as to what our best next steps are with scheduling my c-section... whether it's sticking to our original time frame or possibly scheduling it early (which is not my favorite idea). Please ocntinue to pray that the terbutaline continues to keep the contractions at bay and that my body continues to adjust to it. And please pray for a sense of God's peace for us. I think having a plan in place was helping to give Spencer and I a feeling of some stability in the midst of a really difficult time, yet it feels as if all of those plans are completely up in the air right now. We know that God's timing is what's right, and we want to be open to that.

Thanks... I will update later this afternoon.

So THAT'S what a contraction is...

This morning I woke up and for reasons from which I will spare you, realized that things weren't quite right. I called the on-call doctor who wanted us to come down to Holy Cross so I could get checked out. Assuming the worst, I grabbed my hospital bag, a bag full of things for Isaac, my camera, and forgot my ID. Great! Meanwhile, Spencer DVR'ed the Jets game and got the car ready :)

We went to Holy Cross Hospital, had a horrendous time checking in (I was literally frustrated to the point of tears), and I was taken to triage in the labor and delivery unit and hooked up to a monitor. As we were there, a few other girls were admitted, chatting up a storm about how excited they were, how this is every grandparent's dream, etc. and at that point I did just burst out crying. Of course, that's the way it should be... excitement, anticipation... but it was hard to hear.

The on-call doctor came in, I filled him in again on what was going on, as well as the brief history of this pregnancy (he was somewhat familiar with it, but we havent' seen him at all through this), and the fact that should I need to deliver, it would have to be at Shady Grove due to the fact that we have met extensively with folks there and they are expecting us.

He took a look at the feed from the monitor, and apparently I has having contractions that were coming about 2 minutes apart. Nice. I suppose I might have recognized a contraction if we ever talked about "normal" pregnancy things in my prenatal visits, but since we don't, I had no idea.

I almost lost it again, mostly because I was just scared that they wouldn't be able to get them stopped. I was told they were Braxton Hicks, which they say are different from labor contractions, but you can never be fully sure. So, they (like me) wanted them stopped. After an IV and two shots of some "stop the contractions" medicine they let me come home. I have a perscription for an oral form of the medicine that I need to take every 4 hours from now until the end of the pregnancy. I was also told to take off of work Monday and Tuesday until my OB appointment Tuesday afternoon. So, it looks like I get an extended weekend :)

When I asked the doc what was causing the BH contractions, he said that sometimes with babies with an omphalocele there can be excess amniotic fluid which causes your uterus to enlarge, thus making your body "think" you're farther along than you are. He said that could be what was happening here. At each of my ultrasounds, my fluid has been at the highest end of the normal range, but perhaps it has now crossed over to the plain old high range. In addition to my OB visit on Tuesday, he wants me to get an ultrasound to have the fluid checked.

Anyhow, PLEASE pray that this medicine will do the trick and keep the contractions stopped. Not that I will ever be ready, but I am not ready for Isaac to be here yet. Also, it would really NOT be a good thing for this to turn into an emergency c-section because of all of the staff that needs to be present, how unique of a situation it is, etc. And please pray for my nerves :)

Long Week and a Few Updates

This week was incredibly long. I wanted to write this post to update last night, but I am pretty sure I feel asleep somwhere around 7:30. Between several appointments, Back-to-School Nights, and work, Spencer and I are both exhausted.

I finally was able to talk to the doctor from CHOP yesterday afternoon, about 2 hours before our meeting with the hospital staff at Shady Grove. She said what I had been anticipating... that after reviewing the fetal MRI and our most recent ultrasound images, she agreed with the reports from Children's and from our maternal-fetal medicine group. She explained that she believes that this is more than just a giant omphalocele, and that the combination of anomalies that Isaac displays leads her to believe that he has what is called limb-body wall complex (LBWC). This is consistent what the doctor from the maternal-fetal medicine group mentioned on Tuesday. Both of them said that this was in no way a formal diagnosis, but rather their best hypothesis at this time since Isaac displays some, but not all, of the characteristics of LBWC.

We then met with folks at Shady Grove Hospital yesterday afternoon. The chief of neonatology was there, along with a charge NICU nurse, a labor and delivery nurse, and a social worker. We were able to ask more questions, discuss our birth plan, and take a short tour of the maternity ward. The neonatologist doesn't necessarily agree with the LBWC theory, but didn't really disagree either. Basically, she said we need to wait until Isaac is born to really see. She also has a background in genetics, so she will be a great person for us to consult with regarding follow up testing that Spencer and I may need to do to see if we're carriers of something that may put us at risk for something like this again. Clearly, there's still a lot left to find out and determine.

The nurses and social worker were absolutely wonderful and accommodating. Typically, after a c-section, you recover in a sort of triage-like area, with stretchers seperated by curtains. However, there is one private room across from that area that they will reserve for me to recover in and will wheel in a portable EKG machine (since I will need to be monitored after surgery). This way, we can have some alone time with Isaac as soon as possible, as both the doctor from CHOP and the neonatologist are predicting that his time on Earth will last somewhere in the realm of minutes, possibly an hour. Regardless, we're getting the sense it will be very short.

I gave the team the potential dates of my c-section, and the neonatologist recommended doing it on October 16th since it is a Thursday. She said that the pathologist should be able to do an autopsy that Friday. If I had my c-section on the 17th, then that would have to wait until Monday. The date still has yet to be confirmed, though.

They are also reserving an extra-large room in their maternity ward for me. There are two rooms like this, one at the end of each hall. They are also much more spacious, and are a bit more quiet since they're out of the way. We've also been told that we'll have no restrictions on visiting hours or number of visitors so that they can leave those decisions up to us. All in all, I think everyone is on the same page with our birth plan, and I feel very confident in the care that Spencer and I, and sweet little Isaac, will receive.

Please continue to pray for us as mid-October approaches. Spencer and I both feel the burden of this becoming increasingly more heavy, and we are very aware that the hardest part of all this is still ahead of us, despite the long road the past 4 1/2 months have been. I am also becoming increasingly more anxious about my c-section, mostly because of how "complicated" the doctors are saying it is going to be because of Isaac's positioning, the fact that the omphalocele is adhered to me, and how short the umbilical cord is. And then of course, the fact that it is major surgery doesn't thrill me either, seeing as I have never broken a bone or even had stitches.

We also appreciate your prayers for Isaac, that whlie he is with us he wouldn't be in a lot of pain, and that he would just feel so incredibly loved.

Nice Legs!

I don't usually write posts so close together, but wanted to update you all on yesterday's ultrasound.

Everything basically looks the same medically speaking. I didn't expect much to change. Sweet Isaac was hiding his face from us. Both the sonographer and the doctor tried to get us pictures of his face but couldn't. The doctor did get a great 3-D picture of his little legs and feet though...



Isn't that amazing?!

We also learned that Isaac has a head full of LOTS of hair! I was so glad to hear that... I really wanted him to have hair when he was born. It's so neat that they're able to tell those things from an ultrasound picture.

We're still waiting to hear from the doctors at CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia) and can still use your prayers for all of the things I mentioned in yesterday's post. Thanks :)

Prayers for This Week

Last night I actually made it to the gym. At this point, I am just doing some cardio (Don't worry... at 8 months pregnant, I have finally parted ways for the time being with weight training :) ). While I was on the elliptical last night, I was reading in an issue of People magazine, and came across an article in which the Chapman family was interviewed. For those of you who don't know their story, a few months ago, their daughter, Maria, was killed when she was hit by an SUV, driven by her older brother as he was heading up the driveway. She darted in front of the car, and he didn't see her. Their story is one of great tragedy and sorrow, but also great beauty.

In the article was a quote that Steven Curtis Chapman had said that really stuck with me:

The only thing more frightening than walking through what we're walking through with our faith, would be to walk through it alone, cursing God.

These words spoke volumes to me, as I thought about how frightening all of this is. As the days wear on, the fear, the sorrow, and the grief mounts. Yet, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to walk through this alone... without our faith in who Jesus is, without the the love and support of our family and friends, and without the hope in knowing that God does redeem all things for good. I thought of Job and all of his turmoil and anguish, how he wrestled with God, and how God blessed him immensely. I almost had one of "those" moments on the elliptical, but figured an 8 month pregnant girl looked ridiculous enough, and that getting teary while beign 8 months pregnant on the elliptical in a packed gym would only look even more strange :)

There are a few things we would love for you to pray for this week.

1- Please continue to pray for a miracle.

2- Today we have an ultrasound at 3:30. I can't wait to see our sweet Isaac. I know he is growing, both my the size of my belly and because his kicks are always being felt in new places (like my bladder!) Please pray that we are able to enjoy that time getting to see him. One only have one more ultrasound (I think) after this one until he is born.

3- Both Spencer and I have our Back-to-School Nights this week. Mine is this evening, from 7-9. I am dreading it... I am dreading the possible questions and the possibility of grief sneaking up on me... I am dreading the pressure in general that this night always seems to bring. Spencer's is on Thursday night. Please pray that God would give us energy to endure these long days.

4- For our meeting with the chief of neonatology and other folks at Shady Grove Hospital (where I will be delivering) on Friday. Please pray that they would be able to answer our questions, that we would feel comfortable with the care that they will be providing for us and our sweet Isaac, and that we're all on the same page with regard to our birth plan.

5- For Spencer and I as we write up our birth plan this week. For wisdom with the decisions we need to make, that we can artiulate our wishes clearly, and that we would be able to make those decisions with the most love and concern possible for Isaac.

6- For continues strength and perseverence. We are both growing pretty weary, and could really use your prayers for this.

If I have time this afternoon, I will update with some ultrasound pictures of our handsome little guy :)

Words of Hope

I was recently talking with someone about this storm that Spencer and I are walking through with Isaac and about how everything feels so chaotic, unstable, and constantly changing. Whether that's my emotions, still becoming accliamated to a new teaching environment, or the state of disarray (at least by my standards) that my house is in, so much of life just feels as though it has completely unravled.

I've talked before about the many contradictions this experience has brought, such as who I know God to be with the circumstances we're currently facing, and that contradiction alone has caused me to really dig deeper into who Jesus really is.

Later in that conversation, I was asked, "What do you know to be true and unchanging? What anchors you right now?" I had a hard time coming up with things that are unchanging... so much has. My faith is changing, my marriage, my hopes and dreams are changing... and though not for the worse, they are still changing.

I was reading a blog this morning that I hadn't looked at in a few weeks. It's the blog of Greg and Nicol Sponberg. Nicol also sang in Selah, and is Todd Smith's sister (and therefore, Angie Smith's sister-in-law). Weeks after Todd and Angie lost their precious Audrey, Greg and Nicol lost their 10 week-old son, Luke, to SIDS.

On their blog, Greg was recalling words that brought him comfort in the wake of Luke's death, and this statement just captured my attention this morning:

There are only two things I know to be true right now... the Cross and the Resurrection.

I can't imagine walking through this not being able to stand on those truths. And though they are few, they change everything. And although it doesn't take away the depth of the sadness and grief, or the times of chaos, it does bring hope to a seemingly bleak and hopeless situation. Because of them, I know where our sweet Isaac will be should he not be here with us.

On Tuesday we have another ultrasound. Would you please pray that it would be a special time for our family... that we would enjoy our time getting to see Isaac, that the doctors would be able to answer any questions that we have, and that God would just grant us peace? As I have said, those times can be bittersweet, particularly as we approach mid-October; but for now, I just want to enjoy the time we do have with our sweet son.

Thank you for your continued prayers, encouragement, and for walking with us.

Yesterday's Appointment

Just wanted to quickly update on yesterday's doctor's appointment. Thankfully, we were able to see the doctor I usually see. She is absolutely wonderful and has been nothing but supportive through this entire process.

Isaac's heart was still beating strong at 153 beats per minute. It took the nurse a while to find his heartbeat, but we knew he was okay because he kept kicking the doppler as she moved it over my stomach. We both got a good chuckle out of that.

It is looking like my c-section will be somewhere between October 15-17. We won't be able to schedule it with the hospital until a month out, so there are still a few more weeks before we know the exact date. In a way, I am glad for that.

My doctor also said that she wanted both herself and another doctor from the practice there for Isaac's delivery since my c-section is looking as if it will be a bit complicated. It was a great comfort to know that she is taking extra precautions in having a second set of well-skilled hands there at Isaac's birth. She is now hopeful that she won't have to do a classical c-section, but said that it still is a real possibility. They won't know until they start the procedure. This is a little better than the news we received on this last time.

I had also asked her what would happen should I go into preterm labor and the on-call doctor was already at the other hospital where they deliver. She assured me that I would be able to deliver at Shady Grove, the hospital where we've been meeting with the neonatologist and other NICU staff. She even went so far as to say that if the on-call doctor couldn't do it, to have them call her, and she would come and do the delivery. I really couldn't be more thankful for how supportive she has been.

Please continue to pray for a miracle for our sweet Isaac, and for a delivery that is as easy and as pain-free as possible for him and that does minimal damage to my body. Please pray that God would calm my nerves about the fact that I will be having major surgery (the thought of having my blood drawn is enough to make me want to pass out!). Please pray for our upcoming appointments next week... our ultrasound on Tuesday and our meeting with the hospital staff next Friday. Please pray for Spencer as he continues to do his best to support me, juggle a crazy work and school schedule, and still tries to have time to do the things he enjoys that keep him calm. Lastly, please pray that God would just be near to us and make His presence known.

Refreshment

This past weekend Spencer and I had the chance to go to Annapolis for a few days. A good friend of Spencer's from college was getting married, so we decided to make a weekend out of it. With school having just started back in full-force, we both were in need of a little refreshment.

Annapolis is one of my favorite towns... for its history, great food, an dreally cute, unique shops. We walked from our hotel to the downtown area on Saturday morning, had breakfast, sat on the pier and talked for a while, and then poked our heads in a few shops. One of the shops we stumbled across was called "Bonjour," a really cute baby boutique. There were all kinds of cute outfits, gifts, stuffed animals, and nursery decorations. It was a bittersweet find. On the one hand, I had really hoped to find a store like this in which we could look for an outfit for Isaac. On the other hand, there were so many things in there I would have loved to have gotten for him. Thankfully, we did find a really sweet outfit for him, and we were able to leave the store just in time before either of us became too sad. Here's what the little guy will be sporting on his birthday...


I loved the shade of baby blue and the fact that it looked hand-made out of really delicate thread. It's cotton... not like a t-shirt cotton... but like a very fine knit cotton. It is so soft, and I love that we'll be able to see his little feet when he has it on.

Spencer and I also enjoyed Nick's wedding. I had never been to a Greek Orthodox wedding before, so it was neat to see all of the customs and traditions. The reception was great, and I think we both enjoyed the opportunity to get dressed up! Here are a few pictures from the reception...




After a really long first week back at school with the students, we were thaknful for the chance to get away and have some time together. And I was glad to be able to take Isaac to Annpolis.