Waiting With Gabriel

This past weekend I finished reading the book Waiting with Gabriel. In this book. Amy Kuebelbeck recounts receiving the probable diagnosis for her son: hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS), carrying Gabriel to term, and then the process of his death. Though the diagnosis was different, much of what Amy described was so similar to how I felt... particularly when she talked about feeling like her time with Gabriel was too short, and the pain that she felt when she wrapped up her son, kissed him goodbye for the last time, and gave him to the nurse to take away. Though God is graciously bringing me through, the pain of that moment in my life still burns in the deepest core of my being.

One of the things that struck me in her book was this (I am paraphrasing since I don't have the book in front of me):

"Don't tell a mother who has lost her child that God needed another angel in heaven. God couldn't possibly need that child more than his mother, whose very body is weeping for her child."

So many parts of that struck me.

I was struck by the fact that there's a great truth there: God didn't need Isaac. God is omnipotent, all-powerful... He doesn't need us in order to act; rather, He allows us to be part of the story that He is writing. I still can't understand how God choosing to not intervene and allowing Isaac to die is of greater glory to Him than had He intervened, provided the miracle thousands of people had been praying for, and allowed Isaac to live. But I am learning that my understanding isn't the point; trusting Him is. Trusting that somehow, this is for God's greater glory... trusting Him to somehow make beauty from ashes... and acknowledging that He has and continues to be very present in these difficult days.

I was also struck for the fact that Amy talks about her very body weeping for her son. Here's the funny thing about the body of a woman who has delivered a child that has died: it still responds as if that child is alive. I am glad my doctors and nurses had prepared me for this, because that, too, was one of the most difficult parts of this process. Seeing that my body was responding just the way it should to nurture my child, knowing that this is what I was created to do... and yet there was no child to nurture. I had never thought about it before, but it really was like my body was weeping for Isaac.

I can't believe that in 11 days, we'll mark 5 months since Isaac was born, and 5 months since he went home to be with Jesus. As I have said previously, losing a child makes the whole concept of time so different... 5 months has both felt incredibly long, and like the blink of an eye. Thank goodness eternity is longer...

While the road continues to be a bumpy one, and while I still find myself limping along on most days, I am grateful for God's presence... grateful for the people He continues to use to encourage and uphold us... and grateful that He has Isaac in His tender care. Even though as his mom, I miss Isaac more than words could adequately express, I know that he is safe and he is secure.

Deeper Still

In my "Be Strong and Courageous" post I mentioned that I am doing a precept study on the book of Joshua with some women in my church. This morning I started this week's assignments and it took me through Joshua 2.

In this chapter, Joshua sends to spies to the land of Canaan and they hide out in Rahab's house. When some messengers from the king of Jericho come looking for the men, she diverts them and enables the spies to escape. They make a promise to spare her and her family when the time comes for Joshua to lead the Israelites into the land provided that she ties a scarlet ribbon in the window through which she escaped, and as long as she and her family stay in her house. In Joshua 6, we learn that Joshua sends the two spies to bring Rahab and her family out of the house before destroying the city. She and her family are spared.

That in itself may seem like a huge thing, but there are some other things about Rahab that make this story so much more fascinating.

Did you know that Rahab was a prostitute?

Did you know that Rahab is in Jesus's lineage?

As I was reading this morning, all I could keep thinking was this : No one is beyond God's reach.

God used a prostitute to help fulfill a covenant he made with Abraham. He used a prostitute as part of Jesus's lineage. This filled me with such hope.

I feel like often times, people who are engulfed in a sinful way of life are easily written off... that they can't be helped or they are too far gone.

No one is too far gone.

As far gone as someone may seem, God's reach is farther still.

As engulfed in sin as someone may be, God's reach penetrates still.

As deep as someone may be in the pit of despair, God's reach is deeper still.

One of the passages we had read at Isaac's memorial service came from Romans 8, and part of it said this:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:38-39

I don't know where you are this morning in terms of your relationship with God. But I want you to here this: No one is beyond His reach. Nothing can separate us from His love. His love reaches deeper still.

This brought me great comfort today... that even in the times when I feel like I am in the pit of despair and am completely "unusable", His love finds me... His grace redeems me... and He is still able to use me.

It's the hope of my heart that this would somehow encourage you today.

Nominated

So I am learning that in the blog world, there are these awards that get passed around. This week, I was informed that I was nominated for two of them! I've decided to include them both in one post. The first is one called "Honest Scrap" that I was nominated for by Overeducated Mommy

I am not going to do all the tagging and that stuff (no fun, I know), but the gist of this award is to list 10 not-so-well-known honest things about yourself. So here ya go:

1. I can't stand having spots on my mirrors, faucets, or the glass surround of our shower. I like shiny things to be, well, shiny!

2. I have a slight obsession with UGGs.

3. I love the fact that I am a morning person.

4. Recently, I have given up diet Coke (all soda, really) except on the rare occasion and instead drink Zazz (Giant brand flavored seltzer water). I think Zazz is AWESOME.

5. I really don't like McDonald's coffee, but find something empowering about going to get my free medium coffee every weekday morning this month. And no, I haven't fallen victim to actually buying anything else to eat there... just go through the drive through and order my free coffee!

6. I love to cook but am sometimes too tired to do it.

7. I have no vision for interior decorating whatsoever. That's why we bought a house that was already painted in colors we really liked!

8. I just think that teaching is okay... if I could have any job, next to being a mom, I would want to own a B&B.

9. I have never been more broken that I have been over these past several months after learning of Isaac's diagnosis, and after his death. Yet I am grateful for the way that God continues to meet me in my brokenness and has shown Himself faithful.

10. I love my son and miss him so much that some days it still physically hurts; I take the role of being his voice here on Earth very seriously... I want his life to continue to matter.

The second award was this one from Rebecca:

The rules of this award are:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 5 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Have fun!


Therefore I have nominated 5 blogs that I love to read, even though I love so many more:

1. Bring the Rain- This blog is written by Angie Smith. She and her husband, Todd (who sings in Selah), gave birth to their daughter Audrey Caroline in April 7, 2008. She lived for just a few hours before going to be with Jesus. Angie is a fabulous writer as she recounts her love for her family, her love for Audrey, and her love for Jesus.

2. Homesick- Written by a wonderful momma named Devon, this blog is dedicated to remembering her twin boys, Blake and Ethan, who were born on March 5, 2008. They lived for just a few days before going to be with Jesus. Devon candidly shares her heart as she continues on her journey of missing her boys and honoring their precious lives.

3. The Beauty of Sufficient Grace- Kelli and her husband have established Sufficient Grace Ministries that helps support families through the loss of a child at or shortly after birth. She graciously sent me the "Dreams of You" memory book that they make... a baby book specifically designed for parents to remember their children who have left them far too soon. Having lost children herself, Kelli's blog is a testament to God's goodness and grace through one of life's most unspeakable circumstances: the death of a child. She has been such a source of encouragement to me.

4. The Pipers- Molly Piper is the daughter-in-law of the esteem Christian author, John Piper. She and her husband Abraham have, too, lost a child. Her blog has all sort of cool things on it, but one of the post helpful things I've stumbled across is a series of posts she did entitled "How to Help a Grieving Friend." GREAT advice for those looking to support friends and family members who are grieving.

5. Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground- Lynnette Kraft is the author of this blog. Lynnette and her husband have lost three children: two at birth, and one at six years-old. Like Kelli at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace, Lynnette speaks so boldly and tenderly about God's goodness and faithfulness. She is the author of the book In His Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me. She was kind enough to send me a signed copy, which I just started reading (and loving!!) last night. Her faith is a true inspiration to me.

There are so many more I could name, but wanted to leave it there.

So there you have it... 10 random honest things about me, and 5 blogs that I love!


And one little boy that I love...

12,000

I am excited to share with you all that over $12,000 has now been raised for the construction of Isaac's playground. Thank you...

I think I said this when I shared that we hit the $11,000 mark, but I'll say it again:

Your generosity (as well as your words, prayers, comments, e-mails) continues to communicate to us how our sweet Isaac matters... that is the greatest gift. To know that my son's life has value, weight, and significance, even though it was far shorter than I had ever hoped or prayed it would be... and that his legacy is leaving a mark on this world. I am humbled... and am so grateful.

Thank you so much for your generosity and continued support. We're still months away from the playground being constructed (because our new church facility is still being built), but when the time comes, I can't wait to share pictures with you.

And, I am still waiting to share the news of something else that Spencer and I are excited about that's in the works to share Isaac's life with others. Continue to stay tuned...

Be Strong and Courageous

This past week I signed up to participate in a 7- week women's Bible study at our church. It's a precept Bible study which I have heard from others are really good. This particular one is on the book of Joshua. I am really looking forward to it, and it's been a while since I have been part of a focused, meaty study.

I got up this morning with my coffee and started on the first day of lesson 1, which took me through Joshua 1. This is the part right after Moses has died, and the Lord tells Joshua that he is going to lead the people in crossing the Jordan River. What I had forgotten that was tucked away in Joshua 1 were some verses I needed to hear this morning:

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:5-9

To be honest, over the past year or so, I have felt incredibly forsaken. Even though I know I haven't been, because God's word is true and it never changes even when our circumstances do, I still have felt pretty abandoned by God at times... feeling like He hasn't shown up in the way I had pleaded, or that He has let us encounter sorrow upon sorrow. And there have been plenty of times over the past year that I have been both terrified and discouraged... terrified about Isaac's prognosis, terrified that we'd show up for an ultrasound only to find out that Isaac's heart had stopped beating, terrified that God wouldn't grant us the miracle so many had been praying for, terrified that the spinal would hurt, terrified that we would never know joy again. There have also been plenty of times we have been discouraged... discouraged when we found out that Isaac's omphalocele incorporated so many of his abdominal organs, discouraged when he were told that he didn't have enough lung tissue to survive outside of the womb.

More recently, though, it is clear to me that God has been so present; that He hasn't forsaken us.

Recently, I was e-mailing with a friend who had asked me how I have been able to guard my heart against bitterness. To be honest, I am not sure that I completely have. But, what I do know is that bitterness creeps in when my eyes are focused on the ways that God didn't seem to come through. But when I stop to really consider how present He has been, how He has used His people meet us in our time of brokenness and grief... I can clearly see that God hasn't forsaken us; He is with us, and He has been very present.

He was present at each of the ultrasounds where he enabled Spencer and I to enjoy looking at our sweet Isaac... to watch him wiggle and kick and give us his thumbs up.


He was present throughout my pregnancy, allowing us to enjoy talking to Isaac, playing him music, and feeling him kick.


He was present on October 7 when we met our beautiful son... in the peacefulness that Isaac had, and even in the joy that He allowed us to experience despite it being a time unspeakable heartache.


He was present on October 11 when we had a small family graveside burial service.


He was present on October 18 when we had Isaac's memorial service and celebrated and honored Isaac's life.


And He has been present every day since... meeting us on some days in our brokenness, and on other days in restoring our joy.


Twice in that passage God admonishes Joshua to be "strong and courageous." Coupled with that, God promises to not leave or forsake Joshua. Knowing that he isn't alone, Joshua can go forward in great confidence; and so can we.

I just want to encourage you... whatever it is that you may be facing, whether it's the death of your child or something else that feels insurmountable, know that you aren't going at it alone... even if it may feel like it. God is there, He is present, He will meet you in your brokenness... and He will enable you to walk/limp/crawl through both strongly and courageously.

Valentine's Day

I am not usually one to get all into "Hallmark holidays." As much as Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love and your affection for those people in your life that you cherish most, I have always felt like that's something you can do every day. You don't need a particular day of the year to do that. But since it exists, it is nice to be able to take the time to do something extra special for the ones in your life that you love. This morning I made Spencer a breakfast full of his favorite things, and today he has so sweetly created a schedule for us to go and do things that are some of my favorites... complete with lunch at a restaurant I love and going to see "Confessions of a Shophaloic." With as crazy as our schedules have been, it will be wonderful to spend the day with him.

But how do you do something extra special for that person you love so much... yet isn't here?

Growing up my mom always did cute things for us for Valentine's Day. I distinctly remember one year when she gave my sister and I (and mind you, I was in college and my sister was in high school) adult-sized white "onesie" type PJ's with red hearts all over them. LOVE IT. My mom always found creative ways to let us know how much she loved us.

And today, my mother's heart is no different... longing to show my son how much I love him. Oh, how much I would love to be able to tell him that one more time... how I would love to be looking forward to making him homemade Valentines to let him know how special I think he is, to make pink and red frosted cupcakes, or to dress him in a sweet little red outfit.

The thing about the heart of a mother who has lost a child... is that it is still the heart of a mother. Living in the tension of having this deep, deep love for your child and yet not having that child here no whom to bestow all of that love is a hard thing to bear.

I didn't anticipate Valentine's Day being one of those hard days for me; in fact, I was (and still am) really looking forward to it. But like I have shared before, the reminders that Isaac isn't here sometimes just come out of left field, and when you least expect them.

But today, there is a lot to still celebrate... and one of those things is the fact that through this journey with Isaac, God has been so gracious in protecting my and Spencer's marriage. He has allowed us to bear with one another in love, to forgive each other when our grief causes us to respond to each other in ways that are the most kind, to show compassion to each other, to look out for each other's interests through our time of pain; He has showed us what unconditional love looks like, and has given us the courage, grace, and strength to do our best to love each other that way. God's protection over our marriage and the love that He has allowed us to continue to cultivate in spite of great heartache and grief is something to celebrate today.

I have the most wonderful husband in the world...the perfect husband for me. It is so clear to me why God chose for Spencer and I to be together... and I am grateful.

And to my sweet Isaac... I miss you so much. I love you, and I am so, so proud of you.

It's Been A While

Hi Friends,

It has been a while since I last wrote. I wish I had some sort of exciting news about which to update you, or something to share that has really been on my heart this week. The fact of the matter is, this week has just been incredibly busy... and I really don't like that. I used to thrive of a busy schedule, and now it irks me that I don't have the time to unwind, read, process... and blog... the way that I like to. Some weeks are like that I suppose.

I at least did want to check in here to let you all, my faithful blog readers, know that we're still alive and are here... just much more busy than usual, and much more busy than we would like.

There is something exciting in the works that I can't wait to share with you... an awesome opportunity we have been given to honor Isaac, share the truth of God, and serve our community. When the time is right, I will let you know all about it.

Until then, thank you for continuing to pray for us and encourage us...

Four Months

I woke up this morning to my alarm, ready to jump out of bed, make my coffee, and head off to spin class just like any other Saturday. But I remembered how hard it was on January 7 being at work at 8:33... and at 8:49. I decided that spin class was NOT where I wanted to spend that time... those 16 minutes when our sweet Isaac was still here with us on October 7. So here I am.

In some ways, it feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital loving and holding my sweet little 4 lb 12 oz son. Yet in other ways, October 7 feels like a distant dream. It's the strangest thing to feel as though time has both raced on and is standing still. The reality is, losing a child changes everything about the way you even think about time... time here on Earth, time in Heaven, and the space between the two.

I miss Isaac so much. I don't miss him any less today than I did on October 8. The reality of his absence is still everywhere... in the quietness of our home, in the amount of time I have to myself, in the faces of our friends' children, and even in the big red circular signs in the parking spots at the grocery store that are reserved for customers with an infant. It's in the obvious things, and the seemingly benign things.

Yet somehow, we are learning how to integrate it all into our lives. I know longer wonder how I will respond when someone asks me, "Do you have any children?" My answer will be "Yes, I have a son named Isaac." I know longer wonder if in church on Father's Day or Mother's Day if Spencer or I should stand up when they ask all the dads and moms to stand up to be recognized and prayed for. We will. We're managing to figure out, at least a little, how to keep Isaac present in our family... not pretending that he's here, but finding a way for our sweet son, who isn't here, to still be recognized, acknowledged, and known.

But today... today I just really miss him. I know that he is in the most perfect place, and that one day Spencer and I will get to see him again. But today (like everyday, really) I wish he was here so that I could see him smile, and laugh, and tell him again how much I love him. These markers are just hard because they are just one more reminder of the fact that Isaac isn't here... and we wish so much that he was.

Thanks for praying for us today.

And if you haven't yet seen the slideshow we had made of Isaac, click here to see it. Our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep did a beautiful job putting it together to a gorgeous song by Selah.

But He Gives Us More Grace

The title of this post comes from the book of James, chapter 4 verse 6. And last night, that is exactly what God did. He gave us more grace.

I mentioned in my previous post that Spencer and I were going to be having dinner with our dear friends who delivered their sweet baby Charlie on January 18th. I had been pretty anxious about meeting Charlie, and I think many of the reasons are obvious. But the not-as-obvious reason was this: I wasn't sure if I would be able to be the kind of friend I deeply desire to be to these people... these friends who have so deeply shared in our heartache over Isaac and who have so selflessly cared for us. I just wasn't sure if I would be able to share in their joy as deeply as they had shared in our sorrow... yet I wanted to.

And He gives us more grace.

All day I had reminded myself that it isn't Charlie that I miss, it isn't any baby that I miss... it's Isaac. And Isaac and Charlie are two distinct people. Prior to getting to their house, I stopped by Barnes and Nobel to pick the Jesus Storybook Bible that Angie has mentioned in her blog. I really still have a hard time with baby sutff... blue onesies, blue blankets... so I thought that this, along with a cute teddy bear I found, would be a great choice. Headed to Whole Foods to pick up dinner, and was on my way. I talked with my sister on the way there, and that proved to be a great thing. If you don't know my sister, Kate, you should. Everyone should know her. She is, quite simply, fabulous. And she just listened as I shared my anxiety and encouraged me to just do the best that I could. She wasn't afraid of my tears, and acknowledged the struggle in such a bittersweet situation.

We arrived at our friends', and I just felt at peace. When I saw Charlie, I was genuinely glad to meet him, hold him, look at his long toes, and see how much he resembles his dad... and I was struck by how much he didn't look like Isaac. I think part of my fear was this they would look so similar, but God was gracious in allowing me to see that Charlie and Isaac, although both beautiful babies, are uniquely different.

But He gives us more grace.

We had a yummy dinner and good conversation. I spent some time in the living room with my sweet friend, asking all the usual questions about the delivery, how the epidural went, and so on.. the kinds of questions your girlfriends want to ask you after you deliver a baby. All the while, little Charlie had fallen asleep on my shoulder. It was so good to be able to share in her joy.

But He gives us more grace.

After dinner, we had some yummy dessert and played a game of Settlers. I have become slightly addicted to this game! We ended up staying about 3 hours, which in truth, was longer than I expected I could have been there.

But He gives us more grace.

I don't know that every interaction in the future will go this well; but yesterday it did. I don't know that I will be able to share in our friends' joy as deeply as I would want to in every circumstance; but yesterday I could. And I don't know when the next time will be that I will feel so at peace being around a baby boy who is only a couple months younger than Isaac would have been... who would have been one of Isaac's buddies; but yesterday I was. Because He gives us more grace.

I was also thinking about one of the passages that a dear reader left in her comment in response to the Chris Tomlin giveaway. She left the passage 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I am still a broken mess over what happened with Isaac. It's a hurt that's always there. Some days it's dull, and some days its sharpness penetrates deep within my soul. To be honest, I don't delight in this hardship; but I delight in the fact that God has been very present... and He continues to be. Because...

He gives us more grace.

Ripple Effect

Lately I have been thinking about the ripple effect that the loss of Isaac has been having on us and on so many aspects of our lives. I was having coffee with a dear friend a few weeks ago, and she even commented on how you wouldn't even stop to think about the ripple effect and the extent to which in travels. No one could have told me or prepared me for the extent to which the death of your child changes literally everything.

It obviously changes you as a person... it challenges things you thought were some of life's certainties, what you deem important and how you prioritize. It changes your relationships.

It even affects so many small things in the day-to-day... what you thought were benign, harmless things now seem to affect you. For instance, I now know how to get to wherever I need to go in Target without having to go near the baby section (which is conveniently located in the center of the Target). I just can't look at little blue onseies, or little socks, or bibs (the list goes on) without fighting back tears (and often losing that battle).

Last week it was cold and snowy, and so of course the grocery store was packed with people picking up bread and milk. All the nearby parking spots were full except one reserved with this sign:



And it just made me sad... sad that I didn't have Isaac with me, sad that he wasn't here for his first snowfall. Maybe it was the word with that really stuck out to me... that Isaac is no longer with us. I don't know.

This week we're going to visit our dear friends who delivered their sweet baby boy on January 18th. In all honesty, I have a lot of anxiety about meeting their dear son... and holding him, watching him wiggle and move and hearing him cry... wishing so much that we would have had those moments with Isaac. It's so hard that losing Isaac even ripples into our friendships with others. I am so thankful, though, that these friendships run deeper than any sort of awkwardness... that these are friends with whom we can be completely honest and vulnerable and trust that our friendship would never be threatened. What a gift that God has given us in these people, and I am confident that He will use them and their little boy to ultimately be an instrument of healing in our own lives.

The ripple effects are everywhere. I am learning that the loss of a child isn't only the loss of that child; it's the loss of so many other things, too. And while to some people, almost four months may seem like plenty of time to have let it all register, compartmentalized it all, and to be in a place where you can just put your grief aside from time to time, the reality is, that it's still here and still fresh. It creeps in when you don't expect it, like seeing the only nearby available parking space being one reserved for a customer with an infant. It is in those, seemingly benign moments that it hits you square in the face.: that you are the one without yours.

Thankfully, God's grace is sufficient for each step... each fumbled, faltered, limping step. He has granted us so much grace through the people who love and support us, and I know He will continue to. Thank you for continuing to pray and walk this road with us.

Chris Tomlin Winner

Thanks so much for all of your comments on the previous post. I loved reading about what God is doing in your lives and the scriptures that you left for us and others to read. I know my heart was encouraged.

Selecting the winner a few minutes early because we need to head out for our Superbowl party.

And so, using Random.org the winner of the Chris Tomlin CD is comment 24... Melissa Jo!

Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers: 24
Timestamp: 2009-02-01 22:24:40 UTC

Mellisa Jo has an awesome blog called The Potter's Hand. I really encourage you to check it out... she is so full of faith, and I know you'll be encouraged. Melissa, please e-mail me your address so I can mail the CD to you. If you could put "Chris Tomlin CD" in the subject line so that I don't accidentally delete your e-mail that would be great.

I also wanted to speak a little bit about one of the songs on the Hello Love CD. It is called "I Will Rise." I was driving to the gym yesterday morning and this particular song came on. It talks about the peace that God grants us, and how there will be a day when there's no more sorrow or pain. Then the bridge goes something like this:

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
'Worthy is the Lamb.'
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
'Worthy is the Lamb.'

I just burst out in tears because here's what hit me: That's my Isaac. He is one of those angels, in the presence of God. That's him!

I will never be able to sing of angels or of heaven again without thinking of Isaac being there, safe and secure, beautiful (well, he already was that!) and whole, in the presence of our Creator. There is hope in that, isn't there? The grave wasn't the end... not for Jesus, and not for Isaac.

I wish I had a CD for every person who left a comment... Hello Love is really a great one.

Off to the Superbowl party...